Is it weird to grieve for someone 28 years after their death?

[Sofiegiraffe]

My mum died almost 30 years ago when I was just a little girl. Too young really to remember very much about her, other than how poorly she was, e.g. there was often an ambulance outside our house when we got home from school to take her back in again, or I'd find her collapsed on the sofa etc. These are my only memories of her, I have no happy ones. I have other memories that are worse than these (like the night she died), and I'm genuinely traumatised by those. I recently had a baby and I have only just now started to grieve for her. It has hit me like a tonne of bricks how much I miss and need my mum. I'm so fucking angry that she died. And I'm hurting so much. Why is this happening almost 3 decades later?! I'm feeling the rawness of it as though she died only last week. Not sure why I'm posting other than to get this out and see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

I wasn't a child when my mother died but still think about it decades later. Having children does bring up those feelings.

Sorry I had my previous post removed, it was too rambling.

Also sorry for your loss. There's some good advice on this thread.

Completely normal, as others have said. Highly recommend the podcast Griefcast, which has all sorts of conversations about all sorts of grief on all sorts of timescales (and is not half as miserable as it sounds!)

I get it. I was well into my twenties when my mum died. Found it difficult at first, but it really hits home again now that I've had a child. I don't even have a photo of my mum with a bump. At the same time I'm worried that I won't be around if DD ever has a child so I started writing how I felt during pregnancy and her birth and how special she is as a baby (and added a bump photo!). I also started one of those diaries where you write a aentence per say for 5 years. I hope that if I can't be around for her, maybe I can leave something behind that helps.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad .my dm died 12 years ago .I miss her every day. Oddly I was tired and slept deeper. Woke up having a dream about her .thought I must phone her! Seconds later realised not here any more. Cruse are a wonderful organisation. They offer free counselling for bereaved people, even many years later. I would recommend a visit or online chat to them sending hugs to you xxx

I grieve when I think of how sad my mum must have been to know that she was dying just as her grandchildren were young children. The thought that most of them wouldn't remember her must have been so upsetting. She was and would have been an amazing granny to them.

Perpop thank you .I will have a look at the website adult's bereaved as children. I lost my dad at 8 .he died in the night and even now recall the shock of waking up and him not there. Loss as a child is difficult to explain .my mum died as an adult and even now I miss her so much as well

I lost a parent in my teens and I still grieve for them.

It's not just the loss of that person, it's the things you missed out on, the change to your life and your future. You're also grieving all that you haven't had because of it.

I'm sure losing a parent at any age is dreadful but losing your primary carer as a child is just horrendous.

I really think you would benefit from some trauma therapy. Something like EMDR will help you process this trauma and pain that you are carrying.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve for a lost mother when you’ve had a baby yourself. I was exactly the same. My mother died when I was 2. I have no memory of her, or photos of us together. I miss her terribly. I’m twenty years older than her when she died now and I think of her often.

I don't even have a photo of my mum with a bump.

I have only one photo in the my whole life with my mum, taken when I was about 6 months old. That's it. I'm 36 now. It hurts. It really badly hurts.

I lost my mum to cervical cancer when I was 12 and she was 37. I think I spent my teens and twenties trying to live my life as if it hadn't happened. I was a ball of anger under the surface but outwardly I was driven in my career,focussed on putting the past behind me and hid my emotions.
It wasn't until I had my first child when I was 30 that it really all came crashing down.
I was so scared. How could I mother someone when I hadn't been mothered myself?
I suffered from PND and although my anxiety was managed with meds pretty quickly,it took a long time to work through all the emotions of being a parent. All the emotions of grief resurfaced. Anger (at seeing mums with their mums) sorrow (that she didn't see me married,settled in life) and fear (that something would happen to me,leaving my children motherless;history repeating itself).
My two are 19 and 16 and have turned out pretty well I think 😉 but there are still milestones to reach. DD went off to uni last year and I sobbed my heart out that mum hadn't seen her head out into the world. It'll be the same when DS goes and then their careers,marriage,their children.
No one can understand unless they've been through it. I'm so sorry you've all suffered such a devastating loss,it still after 38 years takes my breath away when it smacks me in the face from time to time.
Totally normal to feel the way you do OP and I hope you take some comfort in knowing you're not alone 😊

Perfectly normal!

Perfectly normal. It's been nearly 25 years since mum died and my DB has been in counselling for most of his adult life on and off (was a teen when she died). He's just properly grieving now.

Sorry for your loss. I think it's normal to feel strong grief when you become a mum after you've lost yours. I've got two kids very close in age and my mum died suddenly when the second one was only six weeks old. I had to watch my first 'forget' her. I've since had another kid and it's hard not having her. It's a time when you need your mum and realise what it is to be a mum. I also miss the relationship my mum should have had with my kids. There's a book called 'Motherless Mothers' which many have found helpful. I haven't read it yet though.

It's perfectly normal. I lost my dad 25 years ago - he gave me away at my wedding in September and died three months later on the operating table after a massive heart attack on New Year's Eve.

I still grieve for him. Countless times I've thought 'I must tell dad that' and he would have loved to have joined us at various events/cruises over the years. I still can't listen to Elvis singing 'American Trilogy' or The Seekers singing 'Morning Town Ride' as he over both of those songs.

OP.

'over'? I meant loved!

I think your grief changes when you become a parent because you will be able to relate to her differently. You see her through a new lens, as a person and parent rather than your mum. When I had my daughter I could really empathise how hard my mum must have found my early years and it made me think of her quite differently.

That’s a lovely idea @wombatspoopcubes

My mum died when my eldest was a baby and I was just 22. Even now, 20 years later it sometimes hits me like a tonne of bricks. I am sad and angry that my kids have grown up with no grandparents and most of their extended family not bothering with us.

Oh, OP. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. It really isn't weird at all. My own mum died when I was 6 and I didn't grieve until I became a mum myself either. I wasn't able to actually as my Dad just shut down at the time and she was never mentioned again. We moved away from family so it was if she had never existed. I took my lead from him, just buried it all and got on with life.

Becoming a mum opened the flood gates and all the pent-up, raw emotion came surging out. It was tough. I felt so irrationally angry with her for leaving me, angry with my dad for the way he handled it, sad for myself and devasted for her. I realised how utterly terrified and distraught she must have felt at the idea of leaving me.

A book that helped me at the time was The Courage to Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum. I remember one piece of advice from it which said to imagine she was in front of me and say aloud everything I needed to. I tried it and sobbed my heart out. It was very cathartic.

I then suffered from health anxiety for several years, terrified that I would die young too and leave my children. It intensified when I was the same age as my mum was when she died and also when my children were the age I was when I lost her. I really grieved then for the little girl I was. I don't get the health anxiety (much) anymore but sometimes a wave of grief will catch me unawares and I have a little cry.

I'm not far off fifty, nearly twenty years older than she was but I will always feel like that motherless little girl to some extent. I agree with the way PPs have described grief as life-long. It took me a long to accept that I will always feel the loss. It's something I have to live with. I've tried therapy a couple of times but never stuck with it for long. I'm thinking I might give it another go as transitioning into perimenopause seems to be raking some of it back up again.
One thing that gives me solace is I know how much love I poured into my own children with every cuddle, kiss, every moment I was with them when they were young. I'm pretty sure my mum would have done the same, even if I can't really remember her. So although I've not had her with me, I like to think that she gave me a lifetime of love in the short time we did have together.
to all those who have lost a parent, at whatever age.

I was a ball of anger under the surface but outwardly I was driven in my career,focussed on putting the past behind me and hid my emotions.
It wasn't until I had my first child when I was 30 that it really all came crashing down.
I was so scared. How could I mother someone when I hadn't been mothered myself?

This was scarily familiar and like reading my own mind on a screen. Thank you @icanclearabuffet for sharing this. I'm so sorry you lost your mum too x

@MrsDarcyIwish; you have said exactly how I feel.

I had a sibling who passed away before I was born, as a toddler. Obviously I never met them so personally unaffected, although aware as a child of my parents/grandparents grief.

When i had my own children and experienced my own love for them, particularly when one almost died, I was overwhelmed with grief for my parents, living with the loss of a child. They had lost the child well over 30 years previously.

It is completely right and appropriate to grieve however, and whenever you feel the need to, OP. Your feelings are valid. I’m sorry this happened to you

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences. I'm sorry for your losses, too.
I'm going to look for the books that have been mentioned. I'm currently going through therapy for PND and I am surprised at how much of the discussion with my therapist seems to be focused on my grief for the loss of my mum. I feel like that little girl again, feeling lost and wishing her mummy would cuddle her. Except I'm 36, and cuddling my own baby instead. It's such a bizarre set of emotions. I'm hopeful l'll get there in time. I just need to finally allow myself to grieve and feel the rawness of the pain and loss. This thread has helped me start to do that. So thank you all.

Motherhood brings up a whole raft of things from your past.

Different, but similar timing - I was taken to live by my grandparents at 7 because of my parents neglect. Was always "fine" about it all. Hit me like an abosolute tonne of bricks when I had my girls. Ended up in therapy for feelings I didn't even realise I'd been surpressing.

It's an emotional and vulnerable time.