Is it weird to grieve for someone 28 years after their death?

[Sofiegiraffe]

My mum died almost 30 years ago when I was just a little girl. Too young really to remember very much about her, other than how poorly she was, e.g. there was often an ambulance outside our house when we got home from school to take her back in again, or I'd find her collapsed on the sofa etc. These are my only memories of her, I have no happy ones. I have other memories that are worse than these (like the night she died), and I'm genuinely traumatised by those. I recently had a baby and I have only just now started to grieve for her. It has hit me like a tonne of bricks how much I miss and need my mum. I'm so fucking angry that she died. And I'm hurting so much. Why is this happening almost 3 decades later?! I'm feeling the rawness of it as though she died only last week. Not sure why I'm posting other than to get this out and see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Can I just say this is a beautiful and very moving thread and thank you so much to everyone for sharing and giving this insight into the impact of losing a parent so young. It's not my story but I have some very close friends to whom it sadly is all too relevant and it really helps me better understand how they must feel.

I had some therapy as a young adult. It’s funny how often childhood themes come up. I think that’s not unusual, some issue in the present directly relates back to the same feeling at a certain event as a child.

I was raised by my gran and when she died suddenly, just before my 16th birthday, I blocked it out. Then I had my DS after a decade of fertility problems and with the hash my Mum made of things I realised how different things would have been had gran been alive & it got my starting to think and grieve. I had PNA anyway due to the ivf and then later had PND due to processing her death but I feel so much better for it. If you can get some counselling it will really help.

I haven't experienced this but for you and all the others that have, I'm so sorry for your loss.

There’s no time limit on grief.

My Mum died suddenly when I was 31, almost 18 years later and thinking of her can still reduce me to tears. I think becoming a Mum without my Mum around was especially hard and it hurts that my children have missed out on knowing a wonderful person who would have loved and indulged them and adored being a Granny.

Much love to you. I remember when I was pregnant and there were mother's day cards everywhere and I just could not stop crying in the shop, I found it so hard to fathom that my mom would never meet my baby. I suddenly felt a huge loss.

This really strikes a chord. My brother died when we were teenagers, over 20 years ago. The anniversary was last month, and it hit me really hard this year. So many 'what ifs' and wondering what he would be like as an adult. The slightest thing set me off. It's so hard. We had nothing in common as kids, but were just starting to enjoy each other's company. I long to have that sibling relationship. It's a real source of sadness in my life.

@Coffeeonmytoffee that made me cry. Your poor Dad.

There is no time limit on grief. No rules. I loathe people that say to the grieving " haven't you got over that" or similar. Also when someone dies and said people ask their age as if them being old makes it matter less in their eyes.

My mother died too when I was a child. And I was totally unprepared for the sense of loss and grief I felt when I was pregnant with my first - I felt my mother’s absence more strongly than at any other period in my adult life. I wanted to know about her pregnancies, to have a mother to turn to for advice about my baby etc. It felt almost primitive - this sense of longing for a maternal figure as I prepared for motherhood.

It is lonely without a maternal figure as you become a mother.

Becoming a mother also made me appreciate just how utterly terrible it must have been for my mother to know she was dying and leaving her young children behind. I felt so sad for her, that she didn’t get to see her children grow up, let alone meet her grandchildren. So I felt grief for me and what I lost. But also huge grief for my mother and what she missed out on.

Like a pp, I started writing down my experiences of pregnancy and motherhood for my DC, in case they ever end up in a situation like me.

I know that being a motherless daughter so young and now being a motherless mother has had a huge impact on the person I became and the mother I am. Like a PP said, unless you’ve been through it I don’t think you can understand.

I hope the counselling helps and that you have a supportive partner.

I lost my mum 3 years before my DD was born. I have certainly grieved her more following DD birth than before (and I had grieved her normally at the time of her passing). Perhaps it doesn’t help DD was born shortly after the anniversary of her death, so my thoughts are already on that anyway.

I lost my dad when I was 2, always thought I'd processed it and was actually OK when I had my own DC. Suddenly when I turned 40 it hit me and I was really painfully aware of how much I'd missed and how my life was shaped by it.

I still get really angry at how little support there was for children and bereavement back in the 70s/80s. Hopefully it's a bit better now.

It is perfectly normal, I also felt jealous of new mums with their own mums there for them, and angry that mine had missed out on all the fun and happiness of being a granny. It is a terrible grief to lose parents when you are young. I think of mine often and of things I said or did, which I'd have changed , I'd have helped her more, told her how much I loved her....but I was too young to be wise.

I've been thinking about this thread all afternoon, you can still grieve for your mum when she's still alive.

When my dd1 died I was 7 months pregnant with dd2. We made the decision not to tell my mum as she had dementia. I will never forget the first visit after dd had died. I was completely devastated and just wanted, my mum. As I walked down the corridor of her care home she came walking towards me and passed me like a stranger.
Later on, she asked me why I looked so sad and told me to go home and tell my mammy. It was heartbreaking. I grieved for my mum when she was alive. It's 4 years now since she died and I miss her everyday along with dd 💕💕

The one thing on here is how people seemed to cope at the time. I was the same. But it suddenly hit me at 14, and l couldn’t stop crying.

It left me with an endless sense of emptiness. Anything brings it up. Ds 27, split with his girlfriend after 18 months last week or so. He’s fine, but l got the empty feeling again.

I think it’s often the legacy of losing a parent as a child. Most of my adult life has been on anti depressants. It’s the only thing to stop the emptiness.

It’s a common thing in children who lose a parent in childhood.

Sending you love and hugs. Reading this thread made me realise too why I have been anxious so much, thinking I might die and leave my children... it was because of losing our mum so young. I'm sure your mum would have been so proud of you, and that you are a wonderful mum.

Oh OP. Of course it's totally normal & inevitable that becoming a mum would bring these feelings up for you.

Now that you know what it is to be a mum & understand all you have lost through grown up, parental eyes.

I'm so sorry OP. It must be really hard. One of my dearest friends lost her mum when she was about 10. She told me in our 40's that she always feels a lump in her throat every time she thinks about how much she misses her mum / missed out on through growing up without a Mum. It's fucking shit & wholly unfair. You have every right to feel how you feel & to let yourself do that. Sending hugs Xx

@ParkheadParadise

I've been thinking about this thread all afternoon, you can still grieve for your mum when she's still alive.

When my dd1 died I was 7 months pregnant with dd2. We made the decision not to tell my mum as she had dementia. I will never forget the first visit after dd had died. I was completely devastated and just wanted, my mum. As I walked down the corridor of her care home she came walking towards me and passed me like a stranger.
Later on, she asked me why I looked so sad and told me to go home and tell my mammy. It was heartbreaking. I grieved for my mum when she was alive. It's 4 years now since she died and I miss her everyday along with dd 💕💕

Oh my goodness. This brought me to tears. I'm so, so sorry for your losses. Losing a daughter and a mum must be indescribable pain.

I think it is as you are getting to empathise with your mum from her perspective, how much it must have hurt her to leave her beautiful dd, knowing that you were hurting too and unable to stop it. I think once you have your dc you totally see your parents perspective anyway, but yours is a heartbreaking one x

So sorry op xx

Congratulations on the new baby. I have a similar experience. My mum passed away just after my 17th birthday and it was traumatic. Suffered PTSD for about a year after although undiagnosed and without any support at home or at school from teachers. It felt like a wall around me broke the day my mum died.

Fast forward when my eldest was born, I was 24 so quite young, and the grief all came flooding back. It was a really lonely and sad time. I think I never missed my mum more than when my children were babies and toddlers. Someone who would have helped me, guided me. It was worse when I saw friends mums help them with things, so I went through a very depressing time.

It gets easier as time goes on. The hurt turns into a deep sadness, and then it’s just fleeting sad thoughts. Be kind to yourself

I could have written so many of the above posts.. I don't think I have ever identified so closely with a thread. It is unfair and sad but it is what it is.. I try to write to my 3 kids now - they each have a hardback copy hidden away in my wardrobe.. I write letters to them, silly things about what their favourite food is at that time or how I enjoyed doing a particular thing with them. I want them to know how much I value our relationship. I might write only once a year or then twice in a month. Nobody knows about these books but me. I suppose its a 'back up' of sorts.. I know so little about my mother. And yes, the fear is always there that I may leave them early. Losing my mother has affected my whole life.. Its a sadness that is always there.

for you, OP.

There have been some very wise and moving posts on this thread.

I lost my best friend to a horrific suicide a couple of years ago. I will never really get over it. It's like a piece of me, in the shape of him, has been ripped away. I think about him every day.

Love to everyone who's grieving.