Is it weird to grieve for someone 28 years after their death?

[Sofiegiraffe]

My mum died almost 30 years ago when I was just a little girl. Too young really to remember very much about her, other than how poorly she was, e.g. there was often an ambulance outside our house when we got home from school to take her back in again, or I'd find her collapsed on the sofa etc. These are my only memories of her, I have no happy ones. I have other memories that are worse than these (like the night she died), and I'm genuinely traumatised by those. I recently had a baby and I have only just now started to grieve for her. It has hit me like a tonne of bricks how much I miss and need my mum. I'm so fucking angry that she died. And I'm hurting so much. Why is this happening almost 3 decades later?! I'm feeling the rawness of it as though she died only last week. Not sure why I'm posting other than to get this out and see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

I read somewhere that women who have lost mothers are at higher risk for PND. Not saying you have that but I did suffer with it after dd was born and a lot of it was around unresolved grief for my mum. It makes sense that becoming a mother yourself is likely to bring up all these feelings. 26 years since my mum died and I still struggle with it at times. Mostly it's ok but occasionally will still hit really hard. It isn't fair OP

@ftw163532

Grief is lifelong.

It changes over the course of your life but not in some kind of linear trajectory towards non-grief. It winds and rises and falls according to the path of your life.

It is not something you "complete" and file in a box never to be remembered or experienced again.

You're normal. I'm sorry for your loss and what you missing out on.

totally agree it's such a strange secret world in some ways, grief. maybe you can use it as a way to understand yourself more fully, and life in general. x

@Sofiegiraffe
It's totally normal

I lost my mother when I was almost 11, 40 years ago.
I've lived so few years with her and so long without her but it doesn't stop me grieving for her at different times of my life and in varying degrees.

My childhood friend (I've known since we were eight) once described me this way:

"You were a regular child, roller-skating, playing ball, hanging out with the rest of us kids in the neighborhood but you were also more serious than us because in your home, your family life was revolved around your mother's declining health and her care. Then she died. You carried your grief like a coat that you just couldn't take off. You would go through your days when the coat was light and you hardly noticed it and other days it dragged you down. The point is that it's always there and you've had to learn to live your life but the coat is part of you."

There's a wonderful book called, "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman that was helpful to me and I've met a few women through an organized group from her website. Two turned out to be women from my neighborhood who lost their mothers at age six and eight. We instantly understood each other.

I know I totally understand where you're coming from 💐

@AdelindSchade

I read somewhere that women who have lost mothers are at higher risk for PND. Not saying you have that but I did suffer with it after dd was born and a lot of it was around unresolved grief for my mum. It makes sense that becoming a mother yourself is likely to bring up all these feelings. 26 years since my mum died and I still struggle with it at times. Mostly it's ok but occasionally will still hit really hard. It isn't fair OP

I'm sorry for your loss it's not fair at all you're right. I have been diagnosed with PND and it's a huge contributing factor

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of my father's death. I remembered. I remember him on his birthday every year too. And sometimes for no reason I think about him (What would Dad do about xyz?) and I cry a little. Not as often now, but sometimes. Like right now.

I absolutely can empathise , my dad died over 30 yrs ago and sometimes it could be like yesterday , it’s weird as my mum died a couple of years ago and we were very close and I feel completely at ease with her death .

@MilkWasABadChoice

Having a baby will likely trigger all sorts of thoughts and feelings - not all positive! - about your own mother. That’s true if she is alive and perhaps more so if she has passed away.

I’m sorry you have such sad and troubling memories. It’s easy to suggest therapy, but if nothing else please don’t think you are odd or wrong to think about her.

I was going to write exactly this.

Lots of love OP

@ftw163532

Grief is lifelong.

It changes over the course of your life but not in some kind of linear trajectory towards non-grief. It winds and rises and falls according to the path of your life.

It is not something you "complete" and file in a box never to be remembered or experienced again.

You're normal. I'm sorry for your loss and what you missing out on.

This is such a wise post about grief. Sometimes you will feel it more than others, it never truly goes away.

It's almost 28 years since I lost my mum, I don't think I will ever get over it. She was so wonderful and it's so sad she never got to meet my children. She would have made a fantastic grandparent.

So sorry for the OP and others who lost parents as children; I was 21 and found it hard enough. I can't imagine losing a parent when you're still a child.

In part you now have your own child and can’t imagine leaving them and them having to grow up without you when you are the most important thing in their life. I didn’t lose my parents young but my own dad did and that was his experience.

Love and empathy. It's 31 years since my DM's sudden death and I miss her so much. She has missed so much too.

I would say grief has no time limit. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself for those moments. They will come up time and time again for events which you, and she no doubt, would have wanted to be there for

Grief can hit you at weird times, there is absolutely no right or wrong way/time to grieve or feel the loss. I don't have kids but my Sister and I lost our Mum 9 years ago suddenly and she definitely felt more grief when she had her first child. Our Mum would have been overjoyed to have a Grandchild as she adored babies and children, and having them around her. You're not weird and you're not alone.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. I am another who lost their mother young. You might want to look up books by Hope Edelman - the original was called 'motherless daughters' and she explores many facets of mother loss. She also has a book called 'motherless mothers' which focuses on how the loss shapes your own parenting hopeedelman.com/books/motherless-mothers/

Its quite normal, though sad, OP. As you were such a young child when your DM died, you most likely did not fully grieve for her then. My father died when I was sixteen, year and years ago, but I don't think I grieved then, as I was just about to go out into life. Years later I am doing so, and miss him more all the time. It is quite natural to grieve in your own way at the time that is right for you. And motherhood will bring a lot of such feelings up - take care of yourself at what is a special, transitional time, OP

I lost my mother when I was 8. I'm in my forties now and can completely empathise. I think I was numb for about ten years... I simply couldn't talk about her. Then in my twenties I met other people who had lost their mother at a young age and it helped a bit to talk.

I was in no way prepared though for how upset I became about my mother when I had my daughter. It felt raw.. I was angry when I saw other new Mums with their Mums. It all felt so unfair. My mother adored children whereas my mother in law has always been disinterested on my children.

I also found it hard on my 41st birthday.. The age my mother died at.

Grief isn't linear. Allow yourself to feel sad and to grieve what you've lost.

She also most recently wrote this book about how grief continues throughout your life hopeedelman.com/books/the-aftergrief/

I felt exactly the way you do when I had my daughter.
My mum had died 12 years before but the ache I felt for her was overwhelming and heartbreaking.
I still remember sobbing for my mum as I changed her nappy one day when she was a few weeks old- she's 16 now !
Be kind to yourself, it will lessen with time but the emotional pain has never really left me I'm afraid.

No it's not weird at all. I know my MIL is still traumatised by losing her childhood home through fire, and that was 55 years ago. I think it's perfectly understandable.

I also still miss my Grandad he died in the late 90's but when I travel near his house I see go to the wood area where he passed away. I sometimes cry, I sometimes talk to him and sometimes I feel happy. I think all of those are fine. So perfectly normal I think to grieve after 30 years, especially with a traumatic experience.

Perfectly normal.

A friend of mine died when we were 13. So 24 years ago now. I still can't talk about hi without crying. I totally broke down telling my dc about him a few weeks ago.

Have you had, or would you consider some kind of therapy to help? Appreciate that's not always possible.

Be kind to yourself and congratulations on the new baby.

@Sofiegiraffe

I think that’s pretty normal - it’s a time when you really really need that maternal care and it’s devastating that you don’t have it.

Exactly this. This is how I feel. I need my mum so badly right now. I'm so angry that was taken from me.

Exactly. My mum is alive and well but unloving and an enabler for my dad for his physical, verbal and emotional abuse. She however is strong enough to leave, divorce but chooses not to as the money is too important. I have reached out to her and been ignored. I have children who very much wanted her love and affection and got it but conditionally. My father is abusive and idolises one of my children but not the other we are NC. I grieve for the mother I still want and need. I will never have her. It is a daily grief - some days are worse then others

Grief and love walk hand in hand, always. I don't think this is the slightest bit weird

I think losing a parent when very young is extra hard to deal with. I still cry for my dad who l lost age 4 and can hardly remember (I’m 57)

Losing a parent early is defined as trauma, so you will struggle at times.

There a fb group called ‘People bereaved as children’ that l found really helpful. Losing a parent at such a young age has a profound impact.

I was in no way prepared though for how upset I became about my mother when I had my daughter. It felt raw.. I was angry when I saw other new Mums with their Mums. It all felt so unfair.

Oh my goodness this resonates SO strongly.

@Sofiegiraffe totally normal - I lost mum mum when I was 11 and she was 49… I’m 49 now and it’s hit me again. May I suggest a book called A Loss That Is Forever? It’s on Amazon - it was hugely helpful to read. Also others have mentioned Motherless Daughters - I second that.