They're in a whatsapp group without me

[Rosenborg]

This isn't an AIBU as such, more a What Would You Do?

I was at my sister's house earlier and she showed me something on her phone from a whatsapp group. When I glanced at the name of the chat and the people in it at the top I realised it contained the members of my family (the ones who have a phone) apart from me and my family (me, husband and child).

So that's 2 sisters, 2 brothers, a sister in law, a brother in law, niece, nephew and my mother in a group.

Back story - I don't speak to my older sister and she very much rules the roost in the family.

I left her house feeling quite down and left out (I have spoken to my mother about this before but she says I am oversensitive.)

WWYD in this situation?

[WomanStanleyWoman]

@NewlyGranny

In other words, get yourself outline planning permission all over the moral high ground, OP. 😉

I don’t see how making a deliberate point of saying ‘Look how much more reasonable I am than you are’ to the sister is taking the moral high ground. It just seems petty. OP decided not to talk to her sister - and while that’s obviously her right, she needs to own the decision.

[girlmom21]

I'd do nothing. You don't talk to your sister so you wouldn't want to be in the group anyway.

[CyclingIsNotOuting]

Why do you want to be part of a WhatsApp group with someone you don’t speak to?
Just carry on communicating independently.

[EmbarrassingAdmissions]

Lots of dysfunctional families have similar set-ups (including mine). It's annoying and leads to lots of confusion and tangled communications.

[Holly60]

I’d think it was set up by the sister you don’t talk to. Just start your own with everyone except her.

[Whatwentwronghere]

Start a group of your own would be the best solution

[icedcoffees]

@NewlyGranny

What's odd is the whole of the rest of the family agreeing to be in a group that pointedly excludes OP, I think!

I'd find that incredibly hurtful. And I'd start a new group and put ALL of them in, including the NC sister, and tell everyone you might not always get on but you wouldn't dream of leaving anyone out. Then keep that new group buzzing with photos and news!

But you can't expect the family to choose.

If they want to keep in touch with the sister OP isn't speaking to, they kind of have to exclude the OP by default.

If OP starts a new group and adds the NC sister, she probably won't accept anyway so it won't actually achieve anything.

[Cherrysoup]

I think only people who set up the group can add others, so if it was sister you’re nc with, you’re a bit stuffed. Set up your own group without her.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

It might have been set up by your older sister who you aren't speaking to, in which case I think that's fair enough. You can't expect your family to be choosing between you and your sister.

If someone else set it up then I do think it's out of order.

Why don't you set up your own and add family members to it?

[liddlelambsydivey]

You can ignore the group (not the people, but the existence of the group).

You can ask people about it, which will be awkward, but at least let them know it's making you feel bad to be left out, even if it is a group set up by the sister you have a difficult relationship with. They can be more tactful about not letting on that you're excluded. More pretending, essentially.

Or you can set up your own group, as PP have said. That's what I'd do. Leave out the sister you don't talk to, if you prefer. It's almost definitely she who has chosen to exclude you from the other group.

[Ughmaybenot]

You don’t speak to your sister and it’s a chat that includes her, I’m not overly surprised you’re not part of it, altho I can still see how it may sting a little.
If you want a family group chat for whatever reason, just set one up… but I expect if you do, you wouldn’t include sister you don’t speak to…
Besides the point, but I’m amazed you saw all that info from a quick glance? I can generally only see a max of 4-5 names on a group chat if you’re not purposely in the list of members on said chat.

[Peggytheredhen]

I agree, it was set up by the older sister, who you don't speak to, so she could communicate with siblings etc.

[Talktalkchat]

@GrimDamnFanjo

Ignore the fuckers.

But that’s exactly what they want

[NCBlossom]

I don’t understand. Do you have two sisters?

If you are NC with your older sister, why were you visiting? If it’s another sister, than can you confide in her that it makes you feel a bit rubbish.

[liddlelambsydivey]

The only problem I can see with "duelling whatsapp groups" is that everyone except your sister and you will then be a member of two groups that are basically the same thing. It might lead to confusion, having to keep track what they've posted where, needing to update both groups with the same info, etc. The others may feel that it's easier to just contact you individually, since the other group has been established for longer.

If it will make you feel better, though, I'd set up the group anyway. Especially if you think you'll actually have a lot of use for it.

[RipleyBelieves]

I'd be more surprised if there wasn't such a group. In my family we have all sorts of threads where different people are in or out.

Of course there is going to be a thread with the sister you don't speak to and the rest of the family. Presumably they are all in contact with her!

[Memyselfandketchup]

But surely you are in a family group without your sister with whom your estranged??

[LindaLooky]

I can see why its hurtful but its awkward when 2 family members dont get on.

If you set up a group for something like your mums birthday would you add the nc sister?

[RipleyBelieves]

And I'd start a new group and put ALL of them in, including the NC sister,
But then she wouldn't be a non-contact sister. If there was contact. They aren't in contact so she's hardly going to be in contact with her.

[Memyselfandketchup]

And as for “what would I do?”

Bugger all. A) I don’t want to put family in to awkward position as a result of MY estrangement from my sister
And B) I am not so controlling as to think I can control who they chat with

[BiLuminous]

Not nice, but if the sister you spoke to set it up then it makes sense she wouldn't invite you. Would you invite her?

[Memyselfandketchup]

White clearly

The other sister has taken the initiative and set up a family group without her estranged sister, you. Entirely reasonable.

You should have done the same

[BiLuminous]

@BiLuminous

Not nice, but if the sister you spoke to set it up then it makes sense she wouldn't invite you. Would you invite her?

Meant to say the sister you don't speak to

[butterpuffed]

If all the rest of your family are in that group, it's pretty nasty of them to stay in it knowing you've been excluded.

[Memyselfandketchup]

It only lists the people if less than 3 in a group

So how did you see them all?