They're in a whatsapp group without me

[Rosenborg]

This isn't an AIBU as such, more a What Would You Do?

I was at my sister's house earlier and she showed me something on her phone from a whatsapp group. When I glanced at the name of the chat and the people in it at the top I realised it contained the members of my family (the ones who have a phone) apart from me and my family (me, husband and child).

So that's 2 sisters, 2 brothers, a sister in law, a brother in law, niece, nephew and my mother in a group.

Back story - I don't speak to my older sister and she very much rules the roost in the family.

I left her house feeling quite down and left out (I have spoken to my mother about this before but she says I am oversensitive.)

WWYD in this situation?

[Memyselfandketchup]

You have to tap to find out members in a group if more than 3

[Unihorn]

Could it have been set up for another reason, like organising an event or something you didn't previously attend? I once organised an event with some family and already knew one couldn't attend, so they obviously weren't added to the group about it. Since then some family have sporadically used it to ask something every couple of weeks/months. The "left out" family member still isn't on there but it's not regularly used so I'd never thought about it before today!

[Hankunamatata]

Any chance your sister who you dont speak to set up the group? Then she isn't going to invite you

[RampantIvy]

@SandAndSea

'Over-sensitive' - the classic response in this sort of situation.

If you are suggesting the OP is being over sensitive I think that isn't a very nice response.

[KrisAkabusi]

Are you in a different family group?

[ManifestingJoy]

I agree that the only thing to do is to do nothing. My mother controls who communicates with whom in our family. It's weird. Like when she's stonewalling me (as she is now) my father doesn't talk to me at all either.

I am on the cusp of it hurting a lot less than it used to (18 months of therapy). I don't know if you'd go that far, but some families have some very disfunctional dynamics. They get a sense of belonging from excluding somebody else.

I would carry on taking care of the relationships that matter in a very individual way and totally give up on trying to be part of a tribe or a group. Focus on individual relationships.

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

If you don't speak to your older sister why would you want to be in the group?

[ManifestingJoy]

@SandAndSea

'Over-sensitive' - the classic response in this sort of situation.

Yes, translates as ''I'm going to treat you really badly and if you have a normal reaction to that, label you ''sensitive'''

[ColorMagicBarbie]

The issue is between OP and non-contact sister IMO. The rest of the family shouldn't have to tiptoe around them.

[EffYouSeeKaye]

Setting aside how hurtful this is for a moment - had it occurred to you to be in a family WhatsApp group before now? Do you want a family group?

If yes, then either ask to be added to this one (completely reasonable request) or set one up yourself.

If no, then carry on as you were and don’t let them get you down. Spend your time and energy on people who don’t actively exclude you from their lives and call you ‘over-sensitive’ for being hurt by it.

[TillyTopper]

Several things you could do - ignore the whole thing and definitely don't worry about it (why would you want to be a group with someone you don't get on with?!) Or set your own group up - perhaps just with your parents. Perhaps I think those groups can be a nightmare so although I was added to DP's family I muted it and didn't respond. Having heard of the arguments that play out (from DP) I am so please I didn't get involved!

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

I was ready to say YANBU until you stated that it includes a sister you are non-contact with. It was probably set up by her and if the two of you are not in speaking terms it’s understandable she hasn’t invited you into the group. Do you really expect that because you and your sister don’t get on the rest of your family have to avoid her as well?

If you want to be in a family WhatsApp group then the solutions are either to make up with your older sister so that you can join the group she is in or to start your own group chat with the family members you’re speaking to.

[BlueSussex]

Just because OP is NC with one of her siblings, doesn't mean the rest of the family have to be does it?

I can't see what they have done wrong. OP is NC with sister so obviously can't be in a group with her.

[Cryalot2]

I feel so sorry for you. I don't belong to a WhatsApp group. I suspect my siblings who are close and near an age run one. They have always treated me differently and witheld information from me.
Now I message them once in a while and don't beat myself up. I had some councilling which helped.
You can either do what another member suggested and start your own group and add family and post. Or keep them at arms length
Remember you choose your friends not your family.
No you are not sensitive or anything like it.
Good wishes.

[ThorsLeftNut]

Nothing.
Your life is unaffected for not being in it or even knowing about it.
Carry on as you were.

[Driftingblue]

For me it would depend on why you are no-contact. If your sister was violent or abusive, I would expect your family to accommodate your estrangement by either cutting her off as well or if it doesn’t quite warrant that, at least hosting separate events and chats so you are both included separately.

If this is simply an estrangement, then you have to accept that one of the costs of going no contact with a family member is missing out on things like group chats and family gatherings.

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

YANU to feel a bit excluded. Everyone seems to be assuming it was the NC sister who set it up, unless I've missed a post, but if it was it comes across as a bit passive aggressive unless it was for a specific purpose or event.

What do you think the solution is?

[BananaPB]

Do you want to be in a WA group with your older sister? If not, you do nothing.

Don't you have different groups with varying family members, eg mum, mum and dad, mum and sister etc ?

[WomanStanleyWoman]

@butterpuffed

If all the rest of your family are in that group, it's pretty nasty of them to stay in it knowing you've been excluded.

But wouldn’t it be ‘pretty nasty’ of the OP’s family to tell their other daughter/sister ‘We know OP isn’t talking to you, but we still think she should be included in any group communication - therefore you can only talk to us individually, even if you have something to say to us all’?

The OP said ‘I don’t talk to my older sister’ - not ‘She doesn’t talk to me’. Unless I’m taking this too literally, the OP actively chose to cut ties with her sister. It might well be very well deserved - we don’t have enough information to judge. But if she made that choice, the most she can expect from her family is that they respect that choice. She can’t expect to control how they communicate with their family member.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

All you can do is carry on as you are.

On the odd occasion it causes issues in my family I usually find a way of saying something like "Oooh! It's like I lost an email/text or something. Sorry about that 😃"

One cousin had the good grace to apologise, once, about 10 years ago. Nothing changed. And I have long since stopped caring.

[WomanStanleyWoman]

@butterpuffed

If all the rest of your family are in that group, it's pretty nasty of them to stay in it knowing you've been excluded.

But wouldn’t it be ‘pretty nasty’ of the OP’s family to tell their other daughter/sister ‘We know OP isn’t talking to you, but we still think she should be included in any group communication - therefore you can only talk to us individually, even if you have something to say to us all’?

The OP said ‘I don’t talk to my older sister’ - not ‘She doesn’t talk to me’. Unless I’m taking this too literally, the OP actively chose to cut ties with her sister. It might well be very well deserved - we don’t have enough information to judge. But if she made that choice, the most she can expect from her family is that they respect that choice. She can’t expect to control how they communicate with their family member.

[BringOnTheOtherWorlders]

If you have to invite yourself in, you really don't want to be a part of it.

[GaryLurcher19]

OP, you said you don't speak to one sister, so that's why. Question answered. You aren't included because you don't speak to her.

I'm not judging, you may have very good reasons for that, but your mother and siblings don't share them.

[YellowMonday]

Ouch, that hurts. My friends with babies/kids have a mums only group which I'm not a member of. Have to admit that one hurt as majority have kids - and that's just with friends not family.

Would your sister or brothers add you to the group?

[GaryLurcher19]

@CuriousaboutSamphire

All you can do is carry on as you are.

On the odd occasion it causes issues in my family I usually find a way of saying something like "Oooh! It's like I lost an email/text or something. Sorry about that 😃"

One cousin had the good grace to apologise, once, about 10 years ago. Nothing changed. And I have long since stopped caring.

Perfectly put.