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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To advise my friend to seek family lawyer advice in this situation?

112 replies

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:14

My friend is married to her soulmate and they have a perfect marriage, she is SAHM and he is a high earner, and they are settled on having just one DC, who is 5 now. Or so she thought... They have a "best couple " that they go on holidays together, celebrate all the major events together and generally are very close to. The lady in the couple is also a high earner and she works for the same company as my friend's husband. So the "best couple " lady has just had her 3rd baby (roughly 3 months ago), same sex as my friend's DC (yep, that's where its going) and my friend has obviously been delighted, supportive and generally very involved... and so has her DH. My friend is driving herself mad because the new baby has an uncanny resemblance to her DC and her DH. She has been digging a little in her DH phone and did find flirty messages and very caring messages between those 2, but nothing more.... and on top of that her DH is getting a massive severance from his job, so he literally never has to work again.
She is scared to ask questions, and I am advising her to seek legal advice, just in case she might find out that not only her DH has been cheating on her, but also is responsible for another child out there.
I think that forewarned is forearmed.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 25/09/2021 19:27

A three month old doesn’t bear an uncanny resemblance to anyone.

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:30

Posted too soon... not that I'm suggesting she does anything drastically irreparable as LTB with immediate effect, but I feel that if she has these doubts (that she felt she needed to talk to me about) it won't hurt for her to know where she stands, legally.

OP posts:

Lockheart · 25/09/2021 19:32

Unless she has a private bank account I doubt she'd be able to get legal advice without her H finding out.

Personally I think getting legal advice on a hunch and a just-in-case is a bit of a waste of time and money. There are lots of resources available online for free if she has specific questions.

Username7521 · 25/09/2021 19:33

OP this is quite a jump don’t you think?
Clearly she doesn’t trust him which I would imagine is a big problem in any relationship.

Funnylittlefloozie · 25/09/2021 19:33

Most 3 month old babies look like Winston Churchill. Unless you're going to drip feed that your friend and her DH are white, your DH is black and the baby is distinctly mixed-race looking... I think you should just calm down a bit.

Ambo21 · 25/09/2021 19:33

Merry old goat said it all....

Funnylittlefloozie · 25/09/2021 19:34

Sorry, not your DH, the other DH....

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:34

@Merryoldgoat

A three month old doesn’t bear an uncanny resemblance to anyone.

Good point, but I think you know what I mean. Every couple has a different mix of looks : skin shade, eye colour, hair is of a different texture/colour. Even when all parties involved are of a same race, there are certain special similarities between the babies, born in the same gene pool. Both my daughters, even with the age difference were a carbon copy of each other as infants.

OP posts:

ChequerBoard · 25/09/2021 19:36

Don't be daft, this is a leap in the dark. What actual evidence of an affair is there - you haven't told there is any at all. You'll ruin her marriage with suspicion and lies if you persist with this.

A three month looks as much like a potato as anyone/thing else. You can see what you want to see the face of a child that age.

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:39

@Username7521

OP this is quite a jump don’t you think? Clearly she doesn’t trust him which I would imagine is a big problem in any relationship.

Not dripfeed, its a short summary of her heartache. There's much more, and the fact that he had taken 3 weeks holiday to help out the "best couple" with their baby etc. She is feeling very insecure, and I haven't seen her this way before.

OP posts:

WellLarDeDar · 25/09/2021 19:40

A three month looks as much like a potato as anyone/thing else.

This ^

drpet49 · 25/09/2021 19:41

* There's much more, and the fact that he had taken 3 weeks holiday to help out the "best couple" with their baby etc.*

^What? Your husband has taken 3 weeks leave from work to help this other couple with the baby? That alone is a red flag!

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:43

@ChequerBoard

A three month looks as much like a potato as anyone/thing else. You can see what you want to see the face of a child that age.

I'm sorry, I think you are misunderstanding where I am coming from. My friend has been very upset and feeling very lost, and yet scared to dig deeper. She is positive that its her DH baby, not me, I haven't met the baby, so have no clue. I am trying to get her to find a coping strategy, and talking to the lawyer might calm her down. Because she has gone to all the bad places in her head.

OP posts:

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:44

@drpet49

* There's much more, and the fact that he had taken 3 weeks holiday to help out the "best couple" with their baby etc.*

^What? Your husband has taken 3 weeks leave from work to help this other couple with the baby? That alone is a red flag!

Not mine (don't have one anymore 🤣).

OP posts:

Shelddd · 25/09/2021 19:51

I don't know, your friends child would be half siblings with the new baby. I have a relative with 4 kids, all different dads, my relative and all 4 dads are white. The kids look nothing alike, you couldn't tell any of them were sisters. I really don't think half siblings look anywhere close to as similar as full siblings do.

And I don't think babies ever really look like their parents, it's just something polite we say in society. Unless there is some glaring defect or very unique feature they inherited.

Lockheart · 25/09/2021 19:51

A lawyer won't help OP, it will be a very expensive exercise in futility.

She would be better served by organising some counselling to enable her to deal with her worries or discuss this with her H, or asking if her H might want to go to couples therapy.

Ambo21 · 25/09/2021 19:52

Wouldnt she be better talking to her husband ....rather than a lawyer...???

Aprilx · 25/09/2021 19:53

@thecatmother

I think you are making an alrighty leap too. But I don’t know what you are asking, legally in respect of what?

nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 19:54

If a close friend has had a baby and she in convinced her dhs, they aren't a perfect couple. There's clearly some really big problems.

If she is 100% convinced then there's something very troubling.

Its odd her dh took time off work to help them. But it would be even weirder if he did that and it was his. Hanging round him And her like a throuple?

What legal advice do you think she should seek? Like preparing for divorce? Even though before this, they were 'perfect'

She either has to demand a DNA test (ending the friendship and possibly the marriage) or seek help and let it go.

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 19:57

@Ambo21

Wouldnt she be better talking to her husband ....rather than a lawyer...???

They have a balance in their relationship where she does depend on him very much financially. As far as I know he is generous, but , for example she has to get up half an hour before him to make his coffee and to iron his shirt (don't ask, apparently the shirt has to be warm for him). So , even if she does ask, he is not likely to take her seriously, or will just gaslight.

OP posts:

Gncq · 25/09/2021 20:00

You can't really rock up to a lawyer and say "I think my friend's baby looks like my husband what can I do" I don't think.

Can't your friend get a DNA test from the suspect baby? Like a lock of hair or something? And compare it with her husband?
I don't even know if that's legal to be honest 😂 I'm just thinking along the lines of concrete evidence.

Sounds shit though. Sorry for your friend.

firsttimeclock · 25/09/2021 20:03

She gets up half an hour early so he can have a warm shirt?? Geez, that's worth a thread in its own right about why she needs a lawyer.

Sounds like she's in an impossible situation here. I really feel for her. If he's just going to deny all, then all she's really got is a dna test I imagine?

I kinda think a woman's intuition about these things is often on the mark.

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 20:04

@nyktipolos

If a close friend has had a baby and she in convinced her dhs, they aren't a perfect couple. There's clearly some really big problems.

If she is 100% convinced then there's something very troubling.

Its odd her dh took time off work to help them. But it would be even weirder if he did that and it was his. Hanging round him And her like a throuple?

What legal advice do you think she should seek? Like preparing for divorce? Even though before this, they were 'perfect'

She either has to demand a DNA test (ending the friendship and possibly the marriage) or seek help and let it go.

Because she doesn't have an career/job/her own money and generally is not independent, she doesn't feel confident to even start asking those things. My advice is : if you do think it's his, and if it might be the end of your marriage... better find out now how to play your cards right,so when you feel brave to ask him,and dig a little deeper , and who knows where it leads you, you are not disadvantaged.

OP posts:

shoulditry · 25/09/2021 20:06

Oh my goodness, what a horrible situation.

Did I read correctly - your friend's husband took 3 weeks off work to help with the baby?????

BananaPB · 25/09/2021 20:08

She needs to wait it out because you can't tell from a 3 month old!

Genes work very strangely. Ex and I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Our children are blonde with brown, green and blue eyes. I know siblings who have different colouring and hair eg one brown hair, one blonde and you couldn't tell that they were siblings until much older.

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