Page 3 | To advise my friend to seek family lawyer advice in this situation?

thecatmother · 2021-09-25T18:14:14+00:00

My friend is married to her soulmate and they have a perfect marriage, she is SAHM and he is a high earner, and they are settled on having just one DC, who is 5 now. Or so she thought... They have a "best couple " that they go on holidays together, celebrate all the major events together and generally are very close to. The lady in the couple is also a high earner and she works for the same company as my friend's husband. So the "best couple " lady has just had her 3rd baby (roughly 3 months ago), same sex as my friend's DC (yep, that's where its going) and my friend has obviously been delighted, supportive and generally very involved... and so has her DH. My friend is driving herself mad because the new baby has an uncanny resemblance to her DC and her DH. She has been digging a little in her DH phone and did find flirty messages and very caring messages between those 2, but nothing more.... and on top of that her DH is getting a massive severance from his job, so he literally never has to work again. She is scared to ask questions, and I am advising her to seek legal advice, just in case she might find out that not only her DH has been cheating on her, but also is responsible for another child out there. I think that forewarned is forearmed.

RobinPenguins · 25/09/2021 20:57

Well hopefully a she would be advised to stop being in a position where she’s totally financially and emotionally dependent upon her husband. She doesn’t trust him, therefore it seems like the relationship is on shaky ground whoever ends up being the baby’s father.

GettingItOutThere · 25/09/2021 20:58

he took 3 weeks off for someone elses baby?!

wtf - 100000000% he is hiding something, probably that babys parentage?!

I would want a DNA test, and at the very least this blown up and sorted out, i could not live like that!

Lotusmonster · 25/09/2021 21:03

Surely the ‘best couple’ DH must have doubts too, if there are really any to be had….particularly around conception dates. At the mo, it’s rather flimsy and an extrapolation of one ‘game changer’ remark, which could mean literally anything!!!! You sure you’re not shit stirring here OP?

Lotusmonster · 25/09/2021 21:06

I guess if your friend is sure they as a couple only want one DC, she could casually ask her DH if a vasectomy might be a sensible shout….see how he responds to that…..

toocold54 · 25/09/2021 21:17

I don’t think it sounds like he is sleeping with this women but if your friend thinks he is then she needs to do some digging and confront him else she will be paranoid forever.

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 21:37

Thanks for such diverse replies, I went through an extremely dragged out and traumatic divorce and feel that if only I had done a little research before the process I would have been more prepared. I am also very self aware and have strong opinions about marriages without prenuptial agreements now, and therefore not the most neutral advisor. I just want to be a good friend, a good listener, and if I can suggest something to make my friend feel better and more in control I'm taking any advice!

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 25/09/2021 21:41

Taking three weeks off is indicative of the baby being his

BlankTimes · 25/09/2021 21:54

What if the guy who should be the father had a vasectomy or otherwise couldn't father another much wanted child for the couple and your friend's husband was a sperm donor for them, at their invitation.

It could explain how he's more involved with the baby with the blessing of the other guy.

I know, I know, I watch too many TV detective series

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 22:06

@BlankTimes

What if the guy who should be the father had a vasectomy or otherwise couldn't father another much wanted child for the couple and your friend's husband was a sperm donor for them, at their invitation.

It could explain how he's more involved with the baby with the blessing of the other guy.

I know, I know, I watch too many TV detective series

That is a sweet thought. Only the friend of mine would certainly be a part of that decision and as much as I am aware the "best couple" wife is a very motivated career woman who already had children and as far as my friend was aware wasn't pining for another baby and/or struggling to conceive it. So seemed that it was an unplanned but welcome situation.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 25/09/2021 22:09

The issue is if she divorces and the kid is his, it screws up the child maintenance she is going to get off him. Her child maintenance will be reduced as his other child(ren) will have to be taken into consideration.

Best thing for her to do is to get her ducks in a row and most importantly collect, hide and keep up to date evidence of her husband's assets while still married to him. Then if she does decide to divorce him for any reason she gets a reasonable share of the marital assets - she will need to go for a clean break to avoid him screwing her over later.

jacks11 · 25/09/2021 22:25

Firstly, please do not advise her to get a dna test on the child. Obtaining tissue (including hair/nail etc) with intent of getting dna analysis without the consent of at least one of the parents (or those with parental responsibility) in a child below the age of consent is an offence under the Human Tissues Act. Convictions can lead to significant fines or even up to 3 years imprisonment. People really should think through before suggesting such things.

It sounds like your friend should seek some advice regarding her legal position in the event she chooses to proceed to divorce.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/09/2021 22:30

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage their marriage. Why is that exactly?

You say they’re happy, are you jealous?

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 22:49

@HeartsAndClubs

Sounds like you’re trying to sabotage their marriage. Why is that exactly?

You say they’re happy, are you jealous?

Are you reading the OP and the whole thread? I assure you that it is not my intention.

OP posts:

HeartsAndClubs · 25/09/2021 23:10

Yes.

Let’s look at this objectively.

Friend of friend has a baby, with her husband. Apparently friend’s husband took 3 weeks off work to help said couple with the baby, you don’t think the husband of this baby’s mother would have wondered what that was about?

Then the friend imagines that this baby looks like her DH, presumably because she’s jumped to all manner of conclusions following her DH taking time off work, and instead of telling her to slow down, and to be realistic, you’re telling her to see a solicitor?

Exactly what do you think a solicitor is going to tell her?

There is 0 way of proving this baby is her dh’s, assuming it is which is highly doubtful.

As they’re married she will be entitled to half the assets, possibly more or less depending on residency of their child.

Clearly there is more to this as the friend clearly doesn’t trust her dh. You don’t just suddenly decide that your dh, to who you are happily married, fathered a child with a woman who is still married and that the husband is oblivious to this fact?

Come on.

FortniteBoysMum · 25/09/2021 23:18

I think if I was your friend the next time I saw them and their baby when my husband was with me I would say.....oh look darling doesn't the baby have your nose or some other feature. See how they react to such a comment .

ChequerBoard · 25/09/2021 23:20

@FortniteBoysMum

I think if I was your friend the next time I saw them and their baby when my husband was with me I would say.....oh look darling doesn't the baby have your nose or some other feature. See how they react to such a comment .

Snort.

Really? Here on Planet Earth suggesting your friends new baby has your own husbands features is totally batshit and not something that can be passed off in polite conversation.

Come on, can you actually imagine that conversation happening?

Original poster

thecatmother · 25/09/2021 23:29

@HeartsAndClubs

Yes.

Let’s look at this objectively.

Friend of friend has a baby, with her husband. Apparently friend’s husband took 3 weeks off work to help said couple with the baby, you don’t think the husband of this baby’s mother would have wondered what that was about?

Then the friend imagines that this baby looks like her DH, presumably because she’s jumped to all manner of conclusions following her DH taking time off work, and instead of telling her to slow down, and to be realistic, you’re telling her to see a solicitor?

Exactly what do you think a solicitor is going to tell her?

There is 0 way of proving this baby is her dh’s, assuming it is which is highly doubtful.

As they’re married she will be entitled to half the assets, possibly more or less depending on residency of their child.

Clearly there is more to this as the friend clearly doesn’t trust her dh. You don’t just suddenly decide that your dh, to who you are happily married, fathered a child with a woman who is still married and that the husband is oblivious to this fact?

Come on.

Are you projecting ?

OP posts:

Anotherbrokenairer · 25/09/2021 23:42

Nothing to add except I wish people would stop saying all babies look like potatoes because I can categorically say none of mine did at 1 week much less 3 months lol, and I'm sure they're not the only ones. (Missing the point of the thread, sorry)

ChequerBoard · 25/09/2021 23:47

@Anotherbrokenairer

Nothing to add except I wish people would stop saying all babies look like potatoes because I can categorically say none of mine did at 1 week much less 3 months lol, and I'm sure they're not the only ones. (Missing the point of the thread, sorry)

But everyone thinks their own babies are beautiful. I know I did. Pits not objective though, you're seeing your own children through a different lens to everyone else!

wellards · 25/09/2021 23:51

Surely this a bit of a reach, & I have no idea why the timing & sex of the baby are evidence of a love child

wellards · 25/09/2021 23:54

- your friend's husband took 3 weeks off work to help with the baby?????

that's strange but also weird to be so indiscreet.

PegasusReturns · 26/09/2021 08:05

The whole babies look like potatoes/Churchill/no one etc is absurd.

If you look at pictures of my 4 DC at 3 mths it’s very difficult to tell them apart. If you throw in a pic of another baby it’s very easy to identify which one is not the sibling.

They were very similar. This is what OP is saying: that the baby looks like her own baby did.

Combined with “flirty” and “very caring” messages with the friend, it’s not reaching to be concerned.

OP are you able to say a bit more about the messages - that might help provide additional context.

Original poster

thecatmother · 26/09/2021 10:11

@PegasusReturns

The whole babies look like potatoes/Churchill/no one etc is absurd.

If you look at pictures of my 4 DC at 3 mths it’s very difficult to tell them apart. If you throw in a pic of another baby it’s very easy to identify which one is not the sibling.

They were very similar. This is what OP is saying: that the baby looks like her own baby did.

Combined with “flirty” and “very caring” messages with the friend, it’s not reaching to be concerned.

OP are you able to say a bit more about the messages - that might help provide additional context.

It is my friend who this is happening to, not me (I have 2 daughters and I'm not married). My friend has always perceived her marriage as perfect, not that it would have been perfect for anyone else, but for her it was. Her close friend fell pregnant, it was a surprise baby and that's where her husband started making strange comments. Then he becomes supportive and involved when the baby is born, considering they have a child and he has always been hands off. My friend is seeing a resemblance between her own child and the baby and its freaking her out. As for messages she said it was in the way of :" hi smelly, how are you feeling today? I can come over later" , " [insert cute version of a name], just know that you are a super star and yes, you can have it all". My gut reaction is to be rational, but I am not the one whose DH sends such messages, so that's why I posted, maybe people can come up with some advice.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 26/09/2021 10:18

@thecatmother yes I realise this is happening to your friend I was paraphrasing but realise that this wasn’t clear.

The point remains that babies often look like their parents or siblings.

Even if the baby is not his “best couple” relationships whether there is a flirtation are doomed.

RandomMess · 26/09/2021 10:42

My youngest 2 were so alike we struggle to tell them apart on photos tbh.

So yes I'd be worried especially as babies are designed to look more like the Dad's side of the family at birth anyway.

The taking 3 weeks off and being utterly hands on and the cutesy messages of it's not been a physical affair it screams of currently being an emotional affair at the moment.