To advise my friend to seek family lawyer advice in this situation?

[thecatmother]

My friend is married to her soulmate and they have a perfect marriage, she is SAHM and he is a high earner, and they are settled on having just one DC, who is 5 now. Or so she thought... They have a "best couple " that they go on holidays together, celebrate all the major events together and generally are very close to. The lady in the couple is also a high earner and she works for the same company as my friend's husband. So the "best couple " lady has just had her 3rd baby (roughly 3 months ago), same sex as my friend's DC (yep, that's where its going) and my friend has obviously been delighted, supportive and generally very involved... and so has her DH. My friend is driving herself mad because the new baby has an uncanny resemblance to her DC and her DH. She has been digging a little in her DH phone and did find flirty messages and very caring messages between those 2, but nothing more.... and on top of that her DH is getting a massive severance from his job, so he literally never has to work again.
She is scared to ask questions, and I am advising her to seek legal advice, just in case she might find out that not only her DH has been cheating on her, but also is responsible for another child out there.
I think that forewarned is forearmed.

She needs to look into some therapy and investigate whether anxiety, paranoia or some sort of depression is to blame

3 month old babies can absolutely look the spitting image of their fathers, and very often do.

Though I highly doubt she’s just looked at the baby and thought “bloody hell, looks like Pete, he must be putting it about a bit”. And reading OP’s subsequent posts there are clearly other things in play.

In this case - given you can get postal DNA tests and she lives with her husband and clearly sees the ‘best family’ frequently - I’m afraid I’d be looking at trying to get a sample from the baby to send off. If that’s not palatable, then I’d be trying to get confirmation of her suspicions another way (phone evidence, emails, that kind of thing) and sorting out things like independent finances and looking for a job in readiness for is likely to be hitting the fan at some point.

Yeah because if my husband took three weeks off to help out with another woman's baby I wouldn't need a lookalikey baby to feel suspicious....

@firsttimeclock

She gets up half an hour early so he can have a warm shirt?? Geez, that's worth a thread in its own right about why she needs a lawyer.

Sounds like she's in an impossible situation here. I really feel for her. If he's just going to deny all, then all she's really got is a dna test I imagine?

I kinda think a woman's intuition about these things is often on the mark.

Thank you, that's how I feel about her too. There are many other details about that union that I don't agree with. Her husband is generally very self centered and self assured. But she has been so happy with him, until recently, and this revelation of hers is sudden and unusual, as she literally finishes his sentences, and thinks that he is the most amazing man on this earth!

Yeah I'd just go with a DNA test (can you use saliva?). The mother will be fucking furious if she ever finds out though.

Actually scrap what I said about a DNA test - that could be classed as assault and she could get in trouble.

Anyway, tell us more about what the hubby is doing to help the woman in his 3 weeks off work? Coz thats just odd.

A heated toilet rail would be easier, who knows about the baby?

Babies do often look hugely like their dads. It's a thing isn't it? Like there are theories that it's an evolutionary thing - 'look the baby's yours, go out and kill us a fucking mammoth and put the bins out while you're at it' sorta thing.

I don't understand why people keep saying babies look like potatoes/ don't look like anything at 3 months old. What type of babies are you having?!

Looks like your friends hubby has been cheating.

Good point, but I think you know what I mean. Every couple has a different mix of looks : skin shade, eye colour, hair is of a different texture/colour. Even when all parties involved are of a same race, there are certain special similarities between the babies, born in the same gene pool. Both my daughters, even with the age difference were a carbon copy of each other as infants.

I’m mixed race (black and white) and my husband is dark haired with a darker complexion.

Our older boy looks exactly as you’d expect.

Our younger is blonde, blue eyed, very fair skin. Looks like no one. If I hadn’t had him with me 24-7 in hospital I’d wonder if he’d truly been grown in me. If my husband doubted his parentage I’d be fucking furious.

@Gncq

You can't really rock up to a lawyer and say "I think my friend's baby looks like my husband what can I do" I don't think.

Can't your friend get a DNA test from the suspect baby? Like a lock of hair or something? And compare it with her husband?
I don't even know if that's legal to be honest 😂 I'm just thinking along the lines of concrete evidence.

Sounds shit though. Sorry for your friend.

As a lawyer, I would say that she can! There’s nothing wrong with knowing your position in case the worst happens. Your friend can get advice in an hour long consultation which may put her mind at rest that there are options that exist in the event her fears are founded. We aren’t all money grabbing leeches and some of us do actually want to help!

Because she doesn't have an career/job/her own money and generally is not independent, she doesn't feel confident to even start asking those things. My advice is : if you do think it's his, and if it might be the end of your marriage... better find out now how to play your cards right,so when you feel brave to ask him,and dig a little deeper , and who knows where it leads you, you are not disadvantaged.

So to prepare for divorce then, which is what I said.

It never hurts to know your legal position. However, the only advice she will get would be general advice. No one can gaurentee anything.

And also, that is potentially marriage ending. As is the DNA test. She absolutely should not be DNA testing her husband behind his back.

And it would be vile to test the child without the parents consent.

But can you not see how you described them as a perfect couple......and then this. So either you have been taken in by their 'we are so happy' bit and they aren't happy and there's loads of other reasons she thinks he cheated and its his baby Or she is having some sort of crisis.

You are obviously a good friend but honestly I would try and stay out of it.
If you persuade her to see a lawyer and the DH finds out, he could leave her and she could blame you for splitting up their family. I’m not sure what seeing a lawyer would actually achieve other than he might tell her to start working so she has some finances of her own.

Yes this does happen but if they were having an affair why would they not just be together and wouldn’t her or your friends DH be acting weird or suspicious around the baby.

Yes the 3 weeks leave was originally 1 week and then just kept getting extended. He is in a high position in his company and does get a lot of annual leave. The "best couple" husband is going to share the paternity leave after the baby is 5 months, so her DH kind of felt "obliged" to help out, allegedly. I do also find it strange, as he is not very hands on with their own DC. Another thing she did mention that didn't sit right with her, how her DH kept repeating that their friend being pregnant is a "game changer", originally she thought it was because of her career, and them going away on holidays etc.

This isnt the perfect marriage your friend sounds in awe of him and it seems completely inbalanced

Who on earth wakes up early to iron a shirt and make coffee. She sounds like she has no voice

Yeeeash 3 weeks off for a friends baby?! Wtf??

Maybe I'm just jealous my DH was not off for more than 3 days and the kids were his!

Is friend living in Stepford? Why is she behaving like a doormat?

She needs to start working on her self esteem and build herself a richer life outside of her claustrophobic sounding marriage.

Whatever the truth behind this frankly odd sounding obsession with someone else's newborn, her marriage isn't healthy.

Your friend could strategically get advice from a few of really top shit hot lawyers in her city. Then if they do divorce, he won't be able to consult them as there is a conflict of interest IIRC.

This sounds like some kind of “real housewives” plot. Just stay out of it.

@Quartz2208

This isnt the perfect marriage your friend sounds in awe of him and it seems completely inbalanced

Who on earth wakes up early to iron a shirt and make coffee. She sounds like she has no voice

I used the word perfect, because that is what she always described her marriage as. I always thought that they were both suited to each other, because she had a comfortable life with the husband that she adores and a beautiful home and he was very well looked after and very much respected and prioritised.

Obliged to help another couple with their baby-what man does that

i stayed with my dsis for a week to help out that was it wouldnt do it for a friend who had a partner for 3 weeks

@nowwhat50

Your friend could strategically get advice from a few of really top shit hot lawyers in her city. Then if they do divorce, he won't be able to consult them as there is a conflict of interest IIRC.

That is truly an amazing idea. I would do that, not so sure she can afford that though.

I used the word perfect, because that is what she always described her marriage as. I always thought that they were both suited to each other, because she had a comfortable life with the husband that she adores and a beautiful home and he was very well looked after and very much respected and prioritised.

That sounds odd it is all about him and his needs where is she is all of this. How can something be perfect if one is so far ahead of the other.

This whole thing stinks.

Asking your wife to get up half an hour before you so you have a warm shirt is insane. Taking 3 weeks holiday for someone else's (who has support from their partner) baby, when you've got your own kids that you're not that involved with, is insane.
She has already found messages that she found uncomfortable.
Yes babies don't always look like their parents. But they don't usually look like their best male friend either (and my daughter was the spitting image of my husband at 3 months, she later grew out of it and now looks like my mum).

Normally when you add all these things together, mumsnet would be saying to get your ducks in a row and that usually involves seeing a lawyer.

She could do a DNA test or speak to them but they are unlikely to admit it and how would she get a DNA sample from her husband to compare? (Lateral flow test maybe?).

In any case if she speaks to a lawyer she needs to know the basics or she will get nothing out of it. All assets and debt and pensions etc. Make sure she has all this before she goes. And make sure she pays cash or he doesn't read her accounts. And point her to one of the 'ducks in a row' threads on here. There is no harm in being prepared

.. I think the reality for your friend is that if her DH is that dishonest fathering a child with their friend he’s likely to be pretty sneaky when it comes to divorce and money. Your friend does need to get her ducks in a row before she confronts him and get good legal advice as there will be financial documents she will need. She can see a solicitor or direct access barrister and pay cash. It is possible to do a covert dna test but properly not that ethical on a child that isn’t hers! I would agree that babies do look atlot like their dads in the first few weeks and months .. no man would normally help out with another mans child like that !! It’s abit odd especially since he’s the type that likes his shirts warmed up Jesus!! Xx