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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

999 replies

Beachshell · 24/09/2021 09:33

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

OP posts:

DamnUserName21 · 24/09/2021 10:16

@NapoleonOzmolysis

His way will cost you more. Financially as his bills are higher than yours are now, you then pay the rent on top, plus extra on petrol for school run and storage for your furniture. Time and effort wise you would be cooking for 4 not 2, and cleaning a 4 bed house not a 2 bed flat. You also have the additional power imbalance coming from the lack of security- he can chuck you out at any point, and you wouldn't have the cash reserves to easily find somewhere else because living with him is a higher cost.

What are the advantages to you here? There's a compromise to be had here somewhere but he needs to understand what he is asking of you.

^This. So he'll have a cook, cleaner and you'll be paying for the privilege...

sammylady37 · 24/09/2021 10:17

Of course you should pay housing costs for you and your child. I’m flabbergasted that you think otherwise.

And the argument that if you pay this payment to him and the relationship fails then he’ll have benefitted and you won’t is nonsense- the ‘benefit’ or what you get for your money is the home you and your child will have had for however long.

PinkFizz1 · 24/09/2021 10:18

I’ve not read the full thread but what he’s proposing doesn’t sound unreasonable IMO.

Also forgive me if I’m missing something but, if you’re looking to buy together in the future and he already has a 4 bed house that you don’t want to contribute to the mortgage for - why don’t you put your name on the mortgage? That way you’d be paying half but also towards a house you co-own?

Recessed · 24/09/2021 10:18

Also remember, if you are contributing towards the mortgage as he suggests you do, and you have proof of that, you would actually have a stake in his home.

This depends where you live. In Ireland yes potentially you could but in England it's unlikely.

samwitwicky · 24/09/2021 10:18

Curious; why did you say you would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning supplies etc?

vivainsomnia · 24/09/2021 10:20

Agree that what is fair is both to be left with similar disposable income. For this work out all your incomings and all outgoings. Whoever has more left over gives half to the other. This way, it's not paying rent or towards the mortgage.

Agree a timescale by which you deem you are both comfortable with taking the next stage which is committing to each other. Either by selling the property and buying one together, him adding your name to his current property or getting married.

2 years would be reasonable.

MrsWombat · 24/09/2021 10:20

I think the OP knows she can't actually live rent-free.

OP you might have extra cash in your pocket but you will not be in a better position security wise and you have a child to consider. I honestly would stay where you are until you are married.

If he really wants you to move in then suggest that for the moment you only pay him the actual extra costs incurred, eg council tax discount, food bills, token amount for utilities, and your 1400 rent money goes in a running away fund savings account in your name only. If you decide to get married or your name goes on the mortgage this can be used for that. (Still keep a running away fund for yourself though!)

CatsArePeople · 24/09/2021 10:20

Do you resent paying rent to your landlord for the same reason?

You don't shag your landlord, let alone do any housework for him.
I wouldn't want to move in with him. If he wants you to pay rent, you may as well charge him for any housework you do.

LookieLikie · 24/09/2021 10:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

westendgirl780 · 24/09/2021 10:21

Nope I would never pay towards his mortgage in these circs. He has his mortgage to pay regardless of whether you are there, and his expenses will decrease substantially as you pay half the bills. Put aside what you save on rent on basis it’s for a deposit if you get a joint property, or to buy in to his property in due course, or buy somewhere else as an investment in your name. Don’t pay off a chunk of his mortgage and be left high and dry if it doesn’t work out.

Recessed · 24/09/2021 10:22

This is a good point, I'm guessing you both want to trial living together first though to see how well you can "blend" families. In that case maybe say you'll pay towards the mortgage for six/nine months or so as the "trial period" but after that if things have gone well you expect to be signed onto the mortgage?

FeelinSpendy · 24/09/2021 10:22

If you're moving in together you should both be better off. Can you look at both of your costs now and both of your costs once you move in (taking into consideration your adiditonal costs) and then calculate it so that you are both better off by the same amount each month? That seems the fairest thing to do.

Pemmican · 24/09/2021 10:22

I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

Are you completely mad?

deadleaves · 24/09/2021 10:22

He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible

Why does it work that you should want to help him out but not him help you out? This alone worries me that he thinks of the relationship in these terms.
Do not pay him rent. As you say, you are the one putting yourself at risk. If you are looking at buying a place together, the money you save on rent can go towards a deposit on a home that you both own.

Ignore the predictable cocklodger (yawn) comments. You, as you say, are paying for food etc and doing most of the housework. Cocklodgers just sit on their arses doing fuck all.

vivainsomnia · 24/09/2021 10:22

Curious; why did you say you would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning supplies etc?
Agree, this is odd. Why would you do that and do the cleaning and cooking if you agree on a 50/50 financial arrangement?

SunshineCake1 · 24/09/2021 10:23

Why will you be buying all the food etc ?

FWBNC · 24/09/2021 10:23

@Beachshell

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

Do you think he understands what you've just written?

I think if you can't say that to him, moving in isn't a great idea.

Plus he obviously cooks & cleans now, so why are you offering to do it all? It makes you sound desperate to move in to his house.

How do the kids get on? How does you child feel about them both? Don't underestimate how the differences in your style of parenting can really be hard moving in together.

Kaley3043 · 24/09/2021 10:23

Honestly it doesn't like you are ready to move in together if you can't agree.

What is the difference between your earnings? I think if he's earning considerably more than you he is being unfair. If you earn similar amounts then maybe not so.

Just be careful op. You may be saving on rent costs buy paying into a mortgage which isn't yours is a risk. If you split up you have no security.

Seems a bit pants that you have to do all the cooking and cleaning too!!

PennyPooBags · 24/09/2021 10:23

If you are paying some “rent” you shouldn’t be paying for all the food, toiletries and household goods.

What if he suddenly develops a liking for caviar and champagne would you have to pay for it?

Or because you are doing the paying, cleaning, shopping and cooking he invites his relatives over for constant dinner parties, because he can sit back and play the “generous host” all while you are doing the work.

marykitty · 24/09/2021 10:23

His solution is actually the sensibile one. Half of all (bills, food, mortgage costs and chores).

42SrauvP · 24/09/2021 10:23

I have no idea why you would want a living arrangement whereby you are the default unpaid domestic labourer. Who does the housework now when he lives alone? The new arrangement does not sound like it will enrich your life in any way, longer commute etc, and ALL the housework. Yuck. Apart from the finances - which also sound troublesome - there is no way in hell I would agree to this arrangement. If you do go along with it insist he hires a cleaner out of the rental contribution you are making. The sooner men attribute value (monetary) to domestic labour, the better for everyone.

BurbageBrook · 24/09/2021 10:23

Sounds like he’s trying to get you to pay too much. Does ‘bills’ include half the mortgage? Paying half the mortgage plus half bills would be reasonable depending on how much the mortgage is. But definitely split food costs! Essentially you should both benefit from moving in together, I think. So when my boyfriend moved in with me he was better off because he was paying half what he had been in rent and bills when living alone, but I had an extra £350 a month to help cover mortgage and bills. I think charging you £700 is a lot.

FeelinSpendy · 24/09/2021 10:23

And don't do the majority of the cooking and cleaning - split it 50/50. He manages now so can manage once you've moved in. I guarantee that he won't put any 'monetary' value on the extra effort you're putting in so start as you mean to go on.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 10:24

Figure out total costs for the house - mortgage, bills etc.

Figure out total personal costs - what you’ll pay each in food and petrol.

From there you can go on to figure out the proportional split according to who earns more - pay for things in proportion to this.

The mortgage cost/your ‘saving’ on rent is a bit of a red herring.

Start again from first principles before you move in.

SarahAndQuack · 24/09/2021 10:24

I think it's perfectly fair for him to expect rent, but if this is a long-term thing you should either have a stake in the house, or a formal agreement about your rights (eg., a provision that he can't just kick you out on the streets with no notice).

FWIW, I recently had to get legal advice about this - I'm on the other side of things; I own my own home and my partner lives here but isn't on the mortgage - and it is perfectly possible to draw up agreements. It's not even terribly expensive.

I would be a bit suspicious of a partner who would expect you to give up the rights you have as a tenant, while pocketing money towards his mortgage.

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