Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[traintraveller]

I think what he is proposing seems reasonable. Your suggestion that you do the housework and buy all food is ridiculous. As is becoming a fanny lodger. If you don't agree with having to pay your way then stay where you are.

[anon12345678901]

You cannot expect to live rent free. If you don't want to pay it, stay where you are. If there's not much in it for you, then why do it? I think it's only fair you pay for a roof over your and your child's head.

[LordOfTheThings]

we’re meant to be partners working towards our future together But only if you don't have to pay to live in his house ...

You pay half the mortgage and split all the bills, food, housework etc down the middle. If you can't agree on something so obvious, I wouldn't be moving in together at all.

[Cabbagepie]

When my son and his girlfriend moved in together in a similar situation, they split all the bills so both saved on costs of running two separate homes. The 'rent' contribution which was actually equivalent to the monthly mortgage went into a specific savings account. Would have been a good safety net if things didn't work out but in fact was a great savings pot towards the house they went onto purchase together two years later.

[Stripyhoglets]

So you moving in he sees as a chance to make some money basically?! An opportunity to strengthen his financial security while yours is weakened.
How much is his mortgage each month. I bet its not 1400! So you'd be paying more than half anyway.
Is your rent 1400 as you said paying half of what you are saving is 700? Or is 1400 your rent and bills. Because you'll be paying bills at his well.
He is already saving money by having you move in.
I'd say you want to save that money instead so you either have a good lump sum to put in as your share when you buy - or if it doesn't work out you have protection for you and your child as you are giving up stablecrented accommodation and selling your stuff to move in.
I'd stay our if he doesn't agree.

[BillMasen]

And for those struggling g with reading or maths, the op would be better off, and the partner be better off. Seems fair to me

[Stripyhoglets]

Stay put

[GrandmaSteglitszch]

I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

Why?
Presumably he does all the housework and cooking in his house at present?

[10yearwarranty]

@VladmirsPoutine

Stay where you are.

Can you imagine the type of deal he'd be getting if you moved in?

• Housekeeper
• Cook
• Childcare
• HALVING HIS LIVING COSTS

And all you'd gain is a lot of stress r.e. moving and a huge bout of anxiety if it all works out or not. Plus the move away further from your local amenities/school.

Stay put.

This - I think people are looking purely at the sums and not at the whole deal. I wouldn't do it Op to be honest. If you are fully committed and he wants you to be safe in the future go get married. You'll be very vulnerable and if it does go wrong great rented properties with good landlords can be hard to find.

[Dreambigger]

"I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs."
Why are you volunteering to become the housekeeper. This is all stuff that should be shared i definitely wouldn't go down this road. Also its further away etc. It doesn't suit you. However all expenses should be shared including the mortgage costs. If he wants more expensive tv package etc that you won't use then he could pay over the average costs. But nothing about this gives me much confidence. I would stay where I was and keep lives separate until you are in a position to move in to a new house together.

[TractorAndHeadphones]

Calling it ‘rent’ is disingenuous.
The cost of living in your partner’s house (taking up 2 rooms) is X. The amount it would be reasonable to charge a lodger.
You should pay X. Whether you do it by splitting bills + paying for all food, whether you pay ‘rent’ does not matter. For security you can have a written agreement like lodgers do.

Looking at the big picture - decide whom this move benefits. You seem to be offering to do housework etc ‘in lieu’ of not paying rent. This isn’t a good idea as it creates an established pattern of you handling all domestic matters. At the same time your saving so much on rent must be worth to you too.

FWIW I’ve always saved money /had an equal amount when I moved from own flat to shared. You need to work out what you really save including your bills vs his bills. Half of that difference, not pure rent alone.

Sit down and decide what each of you bring to the table and work out the monetary value.

[EatYourVegetables]

How about paying “the rent” into a savings account (in your name) which would then go towards buying a new house, it you decide this works?

[choccohoopz]

He moves in with you, pays half your bills but you still pay the rent as you'd be paying that anyway. Doesn't seem fair does it?

You'll both be better off, that's what happens when you go from a one income household to a 2 income household. You can't resent him for that.

In terms of your security, get a contract or don't give up your property. If it's a HA or council property then seriously do not give it up.

Good luck OP.

[EmotionalSupportBear]

ok, so if the plan is to live together temporarily, with a view to moving later, ask him to set up a proper renters contract for you, OR legally add you to his mortgage.

That way he can't just turf you out on your ear if the relationship breaks down.

The alternative is to discuss paying what you would in 'rent' into a savings account to add into the pot when you move house later.

[Gonnagetgoing]

I'd pay half bills and half food but not towards his mortgage.

When me/friends have moved in with boyfriends who've had mortgages it's been the same too, one friend even just bought food and paid nothing else.

You are right that you're not protected in the sense of a landlord and tenant sense, that you have to pay to store your furniture etc and that you are paying towards his asset.

However, you could rent/buy somewhere else together too.

[Grellbunt]

Don't do this

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

It's not so much the rent as you agreeing to pay half of the grocery bills and other bills for items you do not want and you agreeing to do all the domestic labour.

Perhaps a fairer arrangement is a more equitable split here?

Personally, though, I would not give up my flat - it sounds like you have a lovely deal there are you are very much putting yourself at risk by moving.

People are worried you will take advantage of him - I can see him taking advantage of you to help fund his lifestyle and do his maid work - and as you say, you will have no rights if you have to leave.

He is talking about buying a place together. How does he envisage this being funded?

[GladAllOver]

This isn't going to work. Your expectations and his are too different.
Stick to the way you are now.

[RandomMess]

I wouldn't give up a secure tenancy tbh.

If he wants a contribution beyond 50% of bills and food then I wouldn't be paying 50% of things like Sky that I don't want and don't currently have.

How are you meant to save towards buying a house together if you are handing as much over to him as you were spending before?

You don't sound ready to move in together.

[Sacredspace]

He probably doesn’t ‘need’ half of the mortgage given that he’s been paying it alone. Why not put your half (or half of your current rent) into a savings account to be used to purchase a home together if it works out, or for you to set up on your own if it doesn’t? Also remember, if you are contributing towards the mortgage as he suggests you do, and you have proof of that, you would actually have a stake in his home.

[hangryeyes]

In what other scenario would anyone think it’s ok to live rent free with someone else paying the bills?

This would undoubtedly create a power imbalance. Do you want to feel like a houseguest that can’t make any decisions, or a domestic help who has to overcompensate by doing everything? Or that he feels you’re only staying in the relationship because you’re living rent free or worse that you stay for that reason longer than you should?

I was in the opposite scenario, as DH moved in with me. He didn’t pay half of everything, but he paid a reasonable amount and we halved most bills except ones which only one of us wanted/needed or homeowner bills/home improvements.

[DomPom47]

Pay half of mortgage and half term d bills/food.

[GreatPotato]

Also remember, if you are contributing towards the mortgage as he suggests you do, and you have proof of that, you would actually have a stake in his home.

This is in no way even a little bit true.

[LemonTT]

You want shelter then you need to pay for it. Either in rent or by taking out a mortgage.

Unless you are party to the mortgage agreement and have provided a deposit you won’t be paying the mortgage. You will be paying rent. Stop freeloading.

In his position with a kid of his own I would not marry you or allow you to freeload off me. I think you should stay in your rented flat until you are in a position to buy.

[DomPom47]

Pay half of mortgage and half of bills/food.