Boyfriend wants me to pay ‘rent’ on his mortgaged house.

[Beachshell]

I’ve been with boyfriend for 2 years, we both have a child from a previous relationship. He has a mortgage on his house and has done for a number of years. Currently I rent.

We’ve got to the stage where we’d really like to live with each other. The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house, then we would look to buy together once we know that our blended family works.

We got into the discussion of finances and I said I would be happy to pay half of all the bills + I would buy all of the food, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I’d also be doing the majority of housework and cooking due to the nature of our jobs.

He thinks I should pay half of the bills, but also pay him half of what I’d be saving from not renting anymore. I don’t feel comfortable with this for a few reasons. I don’t think I should be contributing towards his appreciating asset that I have no stake in. By moving to his house, it’s much more risky financially for me and my child should things not work out. I am going to need to find storage for some of my furniture (or sell it) which won’t fit in his house. I’ve got a longer commute for the school run and work. He think his suggestion of paying him bills + ‘rent’ shows we are a team and working together, that I should want to help him out as much as possible. I’ve said if he wants everything 50/50, including what I deem as mortgage contributions, we should be properly committed e.g. married!

AIBU?

[SuperstoreFan]

Sorry but why do you expect to live there without paying 'rent'?

I suggest staying where you are and continue to pay £1400 a month on rent if you feel that strongly.

[GrumpyPanda]

If you're going to be doing all the work (why?) he should pay you a housekeepers salary.

[Holskey]

I get it- he benefits from your contributions should you break up whilst you do not. The landlord/tenant relationship is an unequal one and I can see why you wouldn't want that in your relationship.

But it's not fair that he pays for the roof over your head whilst you pay nothing. There must be a compromise. He pays all bills and you just pay him a set amount for everything that you both agree is fair? An amount that lowers his outgoings on the house he owns and makes living much cheaper for you.

[Saoirse82]

@PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside

It doesn't sit right with me, OP.

You currently live in a flat. He wants you to move into his house, and halve his living costs.

This is an increase in spend for you and it sounds like you're the one making the sacrifices.

In a romantic partnership, the partner in better circs should be supporting their other to make the change - not splitting the finances down to the last penny.

Your suggestion of splitting (higher) bills and paying food costs , plus the additional challenges moving to a different area with no security, are enough.

Doesn't make him sound like a keeper, I'm afraid.

He's asking her to pay half of what she currently pays in rent, not halve his living costs. So she'll actually be significantly better off.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

@PomegranateQueen

How does this move actually benefit your child? You are basically putting your child's security into the hands of an unrelated man. Carry on renting until you can come to a secure arrangement, ie married, jointly owned home.

I agree!

This has disaster in the making written all over it.

[Recessed]

How does this move actually benefit your child? You are basically putting your child's security into the hands of an unrelated man. Carry on renting until you can come to a secure arrangement, ie married, jointly owned home.

I wondered this too. Uprooting a child and giving them a longer school commute for what sounds like an insecure arrangement wouldn't sit well with me. How old is your DC? How do they feel about the move? Two years doesn't seem like a very long relationship to be moving in when there's children involved.

[RudestLittleMadam]

I moved into my partners mortgaged home and don’t pay him rent. I pay towards bills and I buy all the food. Works for us. For various reasons my income is small. If I had more money I’d pay for more stuff.

I don’t buy into the “but if you’re renting you pay your landlords mortgage” argument. If I’m renting from a landlord I have a contract and I have protection. If LL gives me notice to leave I have 2 months to find somewhere else for me and my kids to live. If I split up with my partner he can make us leave straight away, no notice whatsoever. That’s his right which is totally fair. But it’s not comparable to a LL/tenant arrangement.

[ManifestDestinee]

@Beachshell

Nothing makes me so special, I’ve been paying rent for years.

When I rent I’ve got a contract that gives me rights. I can’t be asked to leave with no notice. I can ask for a fixed term so I have security. I’m currently in a 2 bedroom flat with a wonderful landlord who responds to requests and repairs immediately which is very difficult to come by. In his proposal, I’m paying him rent with none of the security that being a tenant provided me and my child. Plus, I am paying half of bills which are a lot more expensive than I’m paying currently, due to it being a larger property and having bills I wouldn’t pay in my own home. I’m also commuting further, having to get rid or sell my furniture. It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

Then stay where you are, if you have it so good.

You can't live rent free in someone elses house, thats just not how life works.

[GinIronic]

@DeathStare

The most logical move is for me to move into his mortgaged house

If its increasing the school run and your commute I'm not sure this is true. Is it just your child that would be living with you or does he have children living with him too? I'd be loathe to uproot a child if I could avoid it.

Why doesn't he move in to your rented place and split the rent and bills. That way you can put the money he gives you into savings. He can rent out his place. If you later decide to buy somewhere together you will both have a contribution you can make yo the deposit.

I agree. He can move in with you and rent his place out. He can pay half of your bills and do the housework.

[JaneLivesHere]

It really sounds like you would be better staying where you are. You are answering your own dilemma really. You have security where you are and it would not be sensible to give this up to do an experimental 'shall we live together' thing.

[SoupDragon]

Everything should be split down the middle (or in proportion to salary if there is a disparity)

[VictoriaBun]

I'm always a little torn on this. Ok it happened 10 years ago . I moved into my ( then bf ) house which was far enough for me to have to leave my job ( No dc ) We did not discuss the need of me to pay rent, as I wasn't working , nor contribute to paying for bills / food etc . I didn't work for months and then once working still didn't pay rent , but instead paid for the occasional meal out of weekend away . If I felt we needed anything such as bedding , new towels etc , I would buy them. It worked for us and we are still together . We moved , my name is on the deeds to the house which was a cash buy due to moving from one area to another and a smaller house.Maybe I am the female equivalent of a cocklodger , but as I say we are still together.

[Maskless]

@NorthernDramaLlama

Pay what you would pay in rent into a dedicated savings account. If you split up, you have deposit etc. If you de ide to buy together there is money towards moving costs.

this! ^

[MsHedgehog]

If this was the other way around and a man wanted to move in to a woman’s house without paying rent then he’d be accused of being a cocklodger

This. With bells on.

You cannot expect to live rent free.

[girlmom21]

It’s a lot of risk for me and very little risk for him.

Why not wait then? Why move into a house that's such high risk for you? What if it doesn't work and he does ask you to leave? You can't just up and go when there are kids with no home to go to.

[Generallystruggling]

I wouldn’t move in personally, sounds way too risky for you and your DC plus it’s a longer commute for you so sounds like you’re ultimately going to lose out.

[VirgilStarkwell]

This has disaster written all over it.

Stay where you are.

[Peanutsandchilli]

Can't you get a proper rent agreement drawn up like a lodger would? I don't think you can seriously expect to live rent free. At least it would protect you.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Stay where you are.

Can you imagine the type of deal he'd be getting if you moved in?

• Housekeeper
• Cook
• Childcare
• HALVING HIS LIVING COSTS

And all you'd gain is a lot of stress r.e. moving and a huge bout of anxiety if it all works out or not. Plus the move away further from your local amenities/school.

Stay put.

[LittleBearPad]

You’d only be paying half your current rent to him.

If you can’t agree on this you’d do better t rent somewhere together

[Maskless]

If he wants rent then he has to pay you hourly for the housework.

[HarrietsChariot]

YABU, if you stay living apart you'd pay 100% of your rent, living together you're only paying 50%. If you're looking to get married in the future then his home will become you're joint property anyway, so effectively you're rent free.

If things don't work out then yes, you've helped him gain more equity in his asset, BUT at half the amount you'd have helped your landlord gain equity in theirs.

It's a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Whatever happens, you are better off in the long run by moving in with him and paying rent - either you marry and get your money back, or you split and have saved half what you would have paid. It sounds like you would rather pay more regardless in order to ensure your boyfriend doesn't benefit, which is a strange outlook.

[ExConstance]

I did this with m DH when we moved together into his mortgaged flat just before we were married. We split all the bills and i gave him 1/2 the mortgage money. it seemed fair to me, though we were engaged at th etime so I did not have to worry about security.

[BillMasen]

As someone else said, a man wanting to live rent free would be called a cocklodger

If you wanted to move into my house and not contribute towards the total living costs (in proportion with earnings) then that’s a massive red flag and I’d re-think the moving in

[CrumpleHornedSnowcack]

pay half & set up a joint savings account that you each put the other half of the rent/mortgage into & you'll build up some savings for when you want to buy together