Do I need to pretend to pay attention to people I'm eating dinner with who have not asked me a single question in the past hour?

[PrincessNutella]

Out to eat with acquaintances. The wife is more interesting, but the man, of course, is the big talker. On and on he drones. His commute. His bout with Covid. His hobbies. His kids. His job.
Every once in a while I get in a question to the wife about her far-more-interesting accomplishments, until he manages to wrestle the conversation to its dull and steady path. His opinions. People he and my husband know. My Husband gets in some stories, too, about politics, hobbies, whatever. Once, husband said, "Princess Nutella is actually quite accomplished at..." which immediately reminded the other husband of a long story about flooding in his basement and insurance. Or something.
I am not usually a scorekeeper. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times. But this other couple, I don't even think they know my name, never mind what I do, if I have kids, where I live, never mind what I think. Why am I here?
Sometimes I think that it is valuable to listen to other people's stories and just hear about their lives. But right now I feel as if I could listen for 20 years to this talk and no communication would have taken place. That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. There is no meaning to them.
Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

I had this recently in a group setting, with the offender being a friend of a friend who I'd never met before and I was sitting next to.

In the midst of her third consecutive 20 minute monologue I just turned to someone else and started a different conversation. She spun around like lightning, startled that anyone wasn't entranced by her blatherings.

We hadn't even got to me saying my name at that point and were at least an hour into the evening, as when intros were done she interrupted after the first name with a story about herself. I left early, I had no intention of listening to her all night!

@MyOtherProfile

Leave your DH to talk to home and start a conversation with his poor wife. When he is mid flow just ask her a question. If he comments on that just say we have all listened to you for a long time now.

nice, but if you can.

I meet some friends on the high street once a week,do a bit of shopping then lunch in local cafe together,cuppa and a catch up.Been doing this for about 5 years or so.
Somtimes two of us or up to six.

This year a woman we know (not a friend) seems to be there every week with her friend.
If only 2 or 3 of us walk in she says come sit with us.Then she starts talking and talking.

Last week I was quick to reply thanks but we will sit over hear need to discuss something with Julie.....
She left her table and came sat with us,saying you never guess what my bloody family have done to me this week,while pulling the chair out.
So that was it,I left early.
Used to look forward to my weekly catch up.

Hope you dont have to socialise with these people again OP.

Thank you, fellow Mumsnetters, for helping me not to feel alone! I feel as if I have blamed myself for feeling hollow, sad, anxious and somewhat bruised feeling I have been left with after other engagements where this has happened. In one sense, I have known it has not been my fault that the other party has not been polite enough to ask me about myself. My mother is wonderful about drawing people's stories out of them, and I try to follow her example. I really am curious about what others have to share--but that doesn't mean that I want some man to relieve himself of a torrent of meaningless words on me. And yes, I do think it is sexist for men to yak at women endlessly without listening to what they say in return.

Urgh YANBU @PrincessNutella I have met people like this before, who just don't listen to a word you say, and who talk over everything you say/try to say, and are only interested in talking about themselves. I have had women behave like like this before, but if someone is like this, it is a usually a man. It's horrible. I usually just stop talking when someone is like this, because I cba with them.

It's mostly men, but not only. I was once at a housewarming and spent about half an hour with another woman in a conversation which consisted of me asking a question about her, her answering the question, and not showing any reciprocal interest in me or my life. No questions back, no particular comments when I tried to find some commonality with her answers. It was exhausting, but in the end helpful as my then boyfriend had earlier complained that I needed to make more of an effort with his friends (read: their girlfriends) and put myself out there. The 'interrogation' experience was at least useful as a future 'see? I tried!' defense for similar arguments about socialising with his friends' wives & girlfriends!

But men do this a lot more often.

@PrincessNutella

Thank you, fellow Mumsnetters, for helping me not to feel alone! I feel as if I have blamed myself for feeling hollow, sad, anxious and somewhat bruised feeling I have been left with after other engagements where this has happened. In one sense, I have known it has not been my fault that the other party has not been polite enough to ask me about myself. My mother is wonderful about drawing people's stories out of them, and I try to follow her example. I really am curious about what others have to share--but that doesn't mean that I want some man to relieve himself of a torrent of meaningless words on me. And yes, I do think it is sexist for men to yak at women endlessly without listening to what they say in return.

I’d suggest stabbing him in the hand with your knife if you ever have the misfortune to eat with him again.

@WimpoleHat

A friend of mine has the most fantastic put down for men like this. Someone drones on and she’ll say, very charmingly, “Thank you, Simon. You’ve now surpassed my interest level,” (She is fab!)

My colleague uses the line from the Pride and Prejudice, also delivered with great charm:

“Thank you, Simon. You have delighted us for long enough”.

Next time, acknowledge what the bore said with a closed question (one that can only be answered with a yes or no) or a specific question (that has a specific, closed answer).

Then address the person who you'd like to talk to with an open question. Use the 5 Ws but be careful with "Why" because it can sound accusatory ("How" can be a good replacement at the start of your question).

Rinse and repeat and you can get back some control of the conversation.

Oh - this is fantastic. I am going to steal that one….

Sorry - I thought I’d quoted @GCAcademic there….!

@MyPatronusIsACat

Urgh YANBU *@PrincessNutella* I have met people like this before, who just don't listen to a word you say, and who talk over everything you say/try to say, and are only interested in talking about themselves. I have had women behave like like this before, but if someone is like this, it is a usually a man. It's horrible. I usually just stop talking when someone is like this, because I cba with them.

I try the closed question technique to bring boring conversations to a close. If I want to share something then I acknowledge and say, me too and then detail what I want to say.

If I'm with someone who has the skin of a rhino and is not picking up social cues that they're talking to much, then I will talk over them and talk and talk and talk and talk till they either get the hint or leave.

Mostly the closed questions work though and I've had a bore-off on only two occasions (both with men). Last time I did it I told him all about my menopause symptoms.

There are so many people like this. It's a sad situation we live in a very unkind world.

I have a sister and a cousin like this. Keep it low contact and next time an invitation is extended, say no.

I’d suggest stabbing him in the hand with your knife if you ever have the misfortune to eat with him again.

That's an awful thing to do @AnotherFruitcake, I am really shocked you would think this is ok.

A fork is so much easier to wield, & leaves such satisfying multiple wounds

Mostly the closed questions work though and I've had a bore-off on only two occasions (both with men). Last time I did it I told him all about my menopause symptoms.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou oh well held, with a double blow to the belly of the patriarchy - ha! x

I agree totally, OP I love your quote "That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. "

My strategy now is to avoid these people if I can, and where I can’t, absolutely minimise the time I have to spend with them.
Thinking about it, one in particular has very few friends, sad really. But guess other people may have had enough as well?
I’m too old to put up with this behaviour, to be expected to tolerate listening to people who demonstrate they have no interest at all in me.

@Sloth66 - of course they have hardly any friends because they are such a bore, but then because they never get a chance to talk anymore as they have no one to socialise with on the few occasions they do they become even worse!

Commiserations, PrincessNutella and other sufferers. I have noticed this for so long that I have made a personal study of it. I offer you:

The Conversation Hogger – this is the person that once they have been passed the conversational baton, never relinquishes it, but drones on and on in great detail about things of absolutely no interest to any other person in the vicinity.

The Conversation Hijacker – this is the person that waits for any small chink in the conversation to ambush it so that they can talk about themselves and their experiences or opinions – at great length.

The Conversation Derailer – you might think that you’re having an interesting talk about something, but this person will intervene and start talking about something that has no relevance to what has gone before, but which happens to be of interest to them.

I agree with other posters that such rudeness invites the same in return. I’m afraid I have reached a stage in my life where I’m not prepared to put up with behaviour like this. Recently a friend and I met up and were looking forward to a lovely alfresco lunch and a proper catchup. We’d only just ordered when along came a couple, neighbours of my friend, who saw us and decided they would join us, which might have been okay had he not been a conversation hogger. On and on and on he went, on and on, and I switched off – the sparrows’ antics in the hedge held far more fascination for me.

Then my friend tried to involve me in what he’d been talking about, and I said something along the lines of: ‘oh, sorry, I didn’t realise we had to join in, I thought we were just supposed to listen to you’, looking right at the Hogger. Total silence round the table until he remembered he had to be somewhere else, and off they went.

Mind you, that was before I read somewhere on here of the person who put their hand up for permission to speak when someone else was talking at them. I thought that was a brilliant approach, and am bearing it in mind if I encounter this again.

You have my sympathy OP! I can’t understand people that have so few social skills they can’t even PRETEND to be interested in others, even if they secretly think themselves far more fascinating. I definitely think this tends to be a man thing although I’ve known plenty of women like it - my MIL is terrible for long monologues. She asks loads of questions without actually waiting for or being interested in the answer, then immediately starts on about herself again. It’s just an endless speech about her health issues (I’m so sick of hearing about them), random stuff that happened with their house extension back in 2004 (completely fucking irrelevant to anything) and other unfortunate things that have happened during her life. I really have to psyche myself up to visit as it’s so draining.

I so appreciate the commiseration and the fact that other people have reached stages in their lives where they can't put up with this behavior any more. It's interesting--I thought once-upon-a-time that it would be enough just to be in the warm hubbub of human conversation, to hear people chitchat and to know that they cared to share their thoughts. But I guess as I get older, my expectations are higher. I am feeling that, since talking to other people courteously is a skill that everyone should have mastered, that everyone should use those skills when they are talking to people. And if they don't, they are making a choice not to do so.

In the midst of her third consecutive 20 minute monologue I just turned to someone else and started a different conversation. She spun around like lightning, startled that anyone wasn't entranced by her blatherings.

Love it. I did that years ago, to an uber bore. He and his then girlfriend would also start slobbering all over one another in company. They invited me to meet them for a drink, as I was leaving the job where I worked with his girlfriend.
I dragged my flatmate along, kicking and screaming . When he started droning on, and then slobbering with his girlfriend, I started a conversation with my flatmate on the other side of the table. My goodness, the incredulous look on his face !
Thankfully I never had to see them again. But I have often used that technique since, just chatting to someone nearby. The bore who loves the sound of their own voice can never understand it!
I also have a sibling who talks nonstop about herself and her job. Yawn. I don't believe she has ever asked me anything about mine.

Some great stories ! @SleepOhHowIMissYou - fab I’ll remember that one.
I remember once our bookclub were invited to meet a recently published local writer, in someone’s home, a private thing really as they were neighbours. She was lovely, but her DH spent all evening overtalking her, answering questions on her behalf and trying his best to convince us all her book was a success because of his editing / ideas (yes my dear we removed that story line didn’t we as it wasn’t working for us...yes I did say that that section was a triumph when I suggested xyz ....) god he was awful.

Sadly it’s not just males. My friend invites me out for a walk/meet up and spends the whole time talking. About herself. She never asks me anything. I used to think it’s because I’m boring, but no, she is just self absorbed.