Do I need to pretend to pay attention to people I'm eating dinner with who have not asked me a single question in the past hour?

[PrincessNutella]

Out to eat with acquaintances. The wife is more interesting, but the man, of course, is the big talker. On and on he drones. His commute. His bout with Covid. His hobbies. His kids. His job.
Every once in a while I get in a question to the wife about her far-more-interesting accomplishments, until he manages to wrestle the conversation to its dull and steady path. His opinions. People he and my husband know. My Husband gets in some stories, too, about politics, hobbies, whatever. Once, husband said, "Princess Nutella is actually quite accomplished at..." which immediately reminded the other husband of a long story about flooding in his basement and insurance. Or something.
I am not usually a scorekeeper. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times. But this other couple, I don't even think they know my name, never mind what I do, if I have kids, where I live, never mind what I think. Why am I here?
Sometimes I think that it is valuable to listen to other people's stories and just hear about their lives. But right now I feel as if I could listen for 20 years to this talk and no communication would have taken place. That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. There is no meaning to them.
Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

A friend of mine has the most fantastic put down for men like this. Someone drones on and she’ll say, very charmingly, “Thank you, Simon. You’ve now surpassed my interest level,” (She is fab!)

We socialise a lot with business contacts of DH who are very like this. Recently I sat next to a man at dinner who has known me via DH's work for nearly 20 years. At some point during the meal he overheard someone asking my opinion on a MH matter and asked what my knowledge of that area was. He was genuinely shocked to find out that in the time we have known each other and spent huge amounts of time in one another's company I have retrained to a very high level (higher than my DH or him) and worked extensively as a psychotherapist. He was even more surprised that most other people around the table had been fully aware of the entire process - because they actually listen to other people!
It's sad that so many successful men still see 'other halves' as dumb little women who stay at home, do the ironing and maybe earn a little bit of pin money on the side.

@Spiindoctor

My DH can demand attention - he doesn't say much but is knowledgeable on many things and can drone on v-e-r-y slowly taking an age to make his point .

He was a senior manager at work, has a strong voice, cutting across him would seem very rude. I'm not sure what you can do somehow you have to come over as interesting and articulate to make them listen, something which is beyond me.
I would suggest honing a couple of good, funny stories about your experiences - you will have to speak quite fast and clearly or he will cut across, it might break the tedious run of his stuff.
I speak separately to the wife about kids and stuff the men proabably know little about.

I don't even know where to start with this post!

We have a man like this at work. I had a revelation yesterday that if he’s rude I can be rude back. I talked over him, ignored him and addressed the third person in the chat, kept brining the conversation back to my topic (ie the topic we discussed until he interrupted), and if he tried to interrupt I’d raise my voice while still ignoring him and continue what I was saying. All while smiling. It was not a very relaxed conversation, but it was fun.

(Though it was a 5 min chat in the corridor and not a dinner party, if I had to do this for 2h I think I’d end up smashing a plate in frustration)

@Spiindoctor The 1950s called, they want their comment back

[quote EatYourVegetables]@Spiindoctor The 1950s called, they want their comment back[/quote]
My lovely old late Ma would say ‘don’t you dare ! It’s bring back the 30s surely?’ And my lovely old grandmas would both say ‘hang on thats bringing back the 90s - the 1890s surely !’

YANBU.

I had a friend like that. I had to distance myself as they kept going on and on about their life's, even about people I didn't know and everytime I saw them they just kept repeating the same things over and over like a god damn parrot! Never questions for me, or any interest in my life or about anything not even good subjects like science or politics just constantly about themselves. Makes you wonder if they are being full on purpose or really are that self absorbed.

I know people like this, I do not socialise with them at all

Just say no next time

No no no

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do. I recall a school reunion a number of years ago now when I managed to catch up with lots of old acquaintances. Most conversations were two-way but one guy spent a good 20 minutes telling me his life story since leaving school. He never asked a thing about what I had been up to and after a while I was just pissing myself laughing inside at him. He sort of wound down in the end but still didn't ask me a thing. So I helped him out by thanking him profusely for his life story and telling him how fascinatin g it sounded. What a dick!

I have an uncle like this. I outright refuse to see him any more, or go to any events he is at. He is a lawyer and the oldest son in the family (Asian culture) and will go on and on about his opinions and himself. He has an actual portrait of himself behind his desk at work, I shit you not. The only time he ever speaks to me at family events is to dish out highly condescending advice about my career (because all he cares about is work accomplishments). Hasn't got a clue what I actually do for a living.

The best time was when he told me I ought to consider working abroad as it would be good for career development. I took great pleasure in telling him I'd just returned home having spent 5 years abroad working in the UK and the Netherlands in global roles for huge global companies, and how much more international experience did he think I'd need exactly? He has never even worked abroad himself. He just waffled on about himself a bit more. Cunt.

Aargh, this behaviour is not exclusively male. My sister dominates conversation with endless anecdotes about her unremarkable life. She talked non stop for five hours one Boxing Day, even managing to eat without stopping the monologue. It’s embarrassing.

@EatYourVegetables

We have a man like this at work. I had a revelation yesterday that if he’s rude I can be rude back. I talked over him, ignored him and addressed the third person in the chat, kept brining the conversation back to my topic (ie the topic we discussed until he interrupted), and if he tried to interrupt I’d raise my voice while still ignoring him and continue what I was saying. All while smiling. It was not a very relaxed conversation, but it was fun.

(Though it was a 5 min chat in the corridor and not a dinner party, if I had to do this for 2h I think I’d end up smashing a plate in frustration)

Yep, this is what I would do. There were two other people at that dinner who were probably as bored as you were. Take back control of the conversation :)

He won't like it... but then you're never going to see him again, so what does it matter?

My sister can be a bit like this and my MIL defintely is. If you ask her how she is, that is conversation over. I could have been awarded an OBR, found the cure for cancer and won an Olympic gold medal and she would never know, because she would never, never, think to ask me about my life. I now make it a point of pride to divulge nothing unless she asks, and that is how I have noticed she never once asks anything about me. Or the children (her granchildren!). Self absorbtion at Olympic levels, it is astounding.

eat yes! It can be empowering to lit a bit more oomph in your voice and continue with what you are saying to override those who try to speak over continually. Once had a very funny example where he and I were both talking for some time. An astonishing time. I carried on longer finishing my point. Then said ‘you probably didn’t hear that because you were trying to talk over me - do you need me to go over it again ?’

@Spiindoctor

My DH can demand attention - he doesn't say much but is knowledgeable on many things and can drone on v-e-r-y slowly taking an age to make his point .

He was a senior manager at work, has a strong voice, cutting across him would seem very rude. I'm not sure what you can do somehow you have to come over as interesting and articulate to make them listen, something which is beyond me.
I would suggest honing a couple of good, funny stories about your experiences - you will have to speak quite fast and clearly or he will cut across, it might break the tedious run of his stuff.
I speak separately to the wife about kids and stuff the men proabably know little about.

I've never seen such a pathetically apologist comment for making arrogant, attention-demanding, rude and forceful men something that women have to make an effort to change. Your Very Important Husband has you just where he wants you, doesn't he?

@SirYawnsAlot

Did you have dinner with my in-laws?

😂 lol

I once (once only!) had a date with a guy just like this. By the end of the evening, he knew absolutely nothing about me, hadn't asked me one single question about anything. At one point, when he was droning on about his very boring holidays, I managed to interject that I had recently been on a sponsored trek on the Great Wall of China. He interrupted me before I could get any further, saying he had often thought about doing something like that and he had even got a brochure about it once! Inside, I was screaming 'You got a brochure? I fucking DID it!'.

I was recently invited to a colleague's home for lunch, with my husband. Colleague had left our organization for a few years and just come back, and I thought it was nice he was trying to catch up with people.

Colleague and his children talked exclusively to me, about themselves, and I quickly figured out that colleague simply wanted to pump me for information about work politics (about which I'm pretty clueless). They did not ask my DH a single question and any effort on my part or his to include him in the conversation fizzled. Very weird. I concluded that colleague, while extremely intelligent, has no social skills.

And there's another one who doesn't even ask how you are but launches into a lecture about his fascinating (to him) projects, his weight loss, his podcasts, how fantastic he is.

Oh dear, my brother does it too. He's a university teacher and seems to be permanently stuck in expository mode, even about his personal life.

Oh God my DP can be so like this.
As soon as I see faces around him take on that desperate fixed smile I go and see if I can divert him from his monologue that no one wants to hear.
I've just remembered on one of his childrens wedding days he started some rambling thing about people even I've not heard of and I did my best to stop him ( it didnt work that time and I do think it was nerves) but all the women in the room looked at me and mouthed 'you tried' all without him noticing.
It's getting better, I do occasionally say something quite sharp about what hes talking about or who to. Along the lines of , well yes but your mother isnt interested in how much your workplace spent on a photocopier, she wants to see you , find out how you've been.
And I can now see the light dawn in his eyes at times that frankly hes being boring.
I also want to yell at his mum, ffs you brought him up to be this way.

Someone needs to point out his boorishness.

My DBro is like this, he just talks at people and never asks a single question, when he rings me I sometimes put him on speaker phone and get on with jobs around the house and throw in the occasional “yes” across the room but he’s that self absorbed I don’t even think he notices! We met up recently with him and his girlfriend and again they didn’t ask me a single question and just recounted holiday stories / stories about work colleagues etc that I had heard several times before!

Maybe bluelemming meant stepson, not son-in-law?

I can't bear dinner bores. Or social bores. Or people who just talk over you as though you are the least interesting person on the planet.

I remember going to a work social function with my ex-fiancé once - it was a total waste of my time, I don't even know why partners were invited as it was all "Networking opportunities". I was bored brainless.

I know a fair few people like this. Including people in my own family. Awful behaviour.

I have exes like this too.

Even my own brother once stated loudly that ‘pinkwaterbottle doesn’t get involved in X’. I had to point out that yes I do. It was a lightbulb moment tbh. We’re all in our 40s why on Earth would he think he knew what tasks make up my profession?

@EatYourVegetables

We have a man like this at work. I had a revelation yesterday that if he’s rude I can be rude back. I talked over him, ignored him and addressed the third person in the chat, kept brining the conversation back to my topic (ie the topic we discussed until he interrupted), and if he tried to interrupt I’d raise my voice while still ignoring him and continue what I was saying. All while smiling. It was not a very relaxed conversation, but it was fun.

(Though it was a 5 min chat in the corridor and not a dinner party, if I had to do this for 2h I think I’d end up smashing a plate in frustration)

Oh well done!

There must be something wrong with either my voice timbre or sound level, because whenever someone else tries to cut in on a conversation I'm having, the person I'm talking to will always turn their attention to the newcomer.

Now half of you will be thinking that I'm the bore and they're just massively relieved that someone else has come along - but this can be a technical work point that needs immediate resolution, right through to talking to my mother on the phone (when she was alive, that is).

My mother actually may have caused this - when I was a kid, anyone else was more important than me, including the person on the end of the phone and I Was Not To Interrupt - but when I had my own phone and was talking to her on the other end, still anyone else was more important than me, even the bloody cat!
So maybe I give off "unimportant person" vibes.