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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to pretend to pay attention to people I'm eating dinner with who have not asked me a single question in the past hour?

130 replies

PrincessNutella · 24/09/2021 03:28

Out to eat with acquaintances. The wife is more interesting, but the man, of course, is the big talker. On and on he drones. His commute. His bout with Covid. His hobbies. His kids. His job.
Every once in a while I get in a question to the wife about her far-more-interesting accomplishments, until he manages to wrestle the conversation to its dull and steady path. His opinions. People he and my husband know. My Husband gets in some stories, too, about politics, hobbies, whatever. Once, husband said, "Princess Nutella is actually quite accomplished at..." which immediately reminded the other husband of a long story about flooding in his basement and insurance. Or something.
I am not usually a scorekeeper. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times. But this other couple, I don't even think they know my name, never mind what I do, if I have kids, where I live, never mind what I think. Why am I here?
Sometimes I think that it is valuable to listen to other people's stories and just hear about their lives. But right now I feel as if I could listen for 20 years to this talk and no communication would have taken place. That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. There is no meaning to them.
Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 24/09/2021 06:49

My parents are like this when out the totally control the conversation - my dad has to be the most important intelligent person in the world. He is not in his 80s and has no friends - except their neighbours (been neighbours for 45 years) and they meet them regularly but they are very nice and pleasant and too nice to say how much they dislike them, my parents go on holiday every year to the hotel and there is a couple their who go at the same time and have done for years and my parents refer to this couple as ‘their best friends’ they have been meeting them in this hotel for ten years and do not have their address or emails etc (?) but best friends - ok then !

HeronLanyon · 24/09/2021 06:50

Just awful ! Recently went for dinner with arrogant young man like this. We all spent quite a bit of time asking about his ‘exciting’ (not) current project and his partners job (she wasn’t even there and a few of us had never met either of them before). Close to the end - around dessert I gave up and said I had to leave early.
Later discussions with those there we agreed had not met someone so rude and self absorbed for a very long time. Person who had invited him apologised and said ‘never again, had no idea he was so rude’.
Didn’t deal with it or force anything during the meal as suspect there was some kind of significant social difficulty going on with him and suspect he didn’t even have the tools to interact more ‘normally’ or to pretend to. Self absorbed arrogance beyond belief.
Awful !

TipseyTorvey · 24/09/2021 06:52

I think you had dinner with my FIL. He just goes on and on in his droning booming voice about when he was in the navy. He hasn't asked me a single question about me in 22 years. Although he's quick to ask me for tea or beer. This year he came to visit and I realised he has never asked my DC a single question either so I'm done. Told DH next time he visits, we're off out. Not putting up with it anymore.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 24/09/2021 06:53

@Iggly

Did you get your phone out mid dinner, type this thread and they didn’t even notice?
Why would she do that? That would be really weird and I'm pretty sure they would notice. I'm assuming she'd have posted this when she excused herself to go to the toilet or outside to smoke.
annie335 · 24/09/2021 06:55

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

My son-in-law and his girlfriend are like this. If we have a meal with them, or they come and stay, they don't ask a single question about our lives. Ever. This has confused me so much. I cannit work out how he is your son in law but you also didnt say daughter.!
I read it as meaning step son but could be wrong!
Whatabambam · 24/09/2021 07:03

My ex husband was like this. I used to think how amazing he was until my friend pointed out (after the separation when she felt it was safe to do so) that he was arrogant. I hadn't even realised. I also now view it as mansplaining. Everyone used to have to listen to his amazing abilities at work and in his hobbies. I don't think he ever said anything supportive to me about my accomplishments. He was just a twat.

UnaOfStormhold · 24/09/2021 07:04

You could try downloading the time to talk app which allows you to count up the proportion of time when a man is talking vs a woman.

AdriannaP · 24/09/2021 07:07

My DH has friends like this. We spent a weekend with them and they managed the whole weekend like that. Just on and on about their work, projects, political views, life in their village, not one single question for me. Totally self absorbed both of them. I avoid them now, he can visit them without me.

bluelemming · 24/09/2021 07:10

@ScarlettDarling My DH's son!

GCAcademic · 24/09/2021 07:10

@UnaOfStormhold

You could try downloading the time to talk app which allows you to count up the proportion of time when a man is talking vs a woman.
Ooh, I didn’t know about this. Thank you. Going to try this at work.
StealthPolarBear · 24/09/2021 07:11

Also confused about the son in law's girlfriend!

StealthPolarBear · 24/09/2021 07:11

Oh I see.

AnotherFruitcake · 24/09/2021 07:12

Just start talking to the woman while the arse is in mid-flow,

Passthecake30 · 24/09/2021 07:17

How were you sitting? I would’ve manipulated a chair swap with my partner so I could’ve had a side conversation with the wife.
Or yawned and said I was knackered and cut the night short Blush

Spiindoctor · 24/09/2021 07:18

My DH can demand attention - he doesn't say much but is knowledgeable on many things and can drone on v-e-r-y slowly taking an age to make his point .

He was a senior manager at work, has a strong voice, cutting across him would seem very rude. I'm not sure what you can do somehow you have to come over as interesting and articulate to make them listen, something which is beyond me.
I would suggest honing a couple of good, funny stories about your experiences - you will have to speak quite fast and clearly or he will cut across, it might break the tedious run of his stuff.
I speak separately to the wife about kids and stuff the men proabably know little about.

bluelemming · 24/09/2021 07:25

@bluelemming

My son-in-law and his girlfriend are like this. If we have a meal with them, or they come and stay, they don't ask a single question about our lives. Ever.

I find it astonishing. Is it a case of massive self-absorption or are they simply lacking social skills? I have no idea!

He's actually my step-son isn't he? I'm an idiot!
Iggly · 24/09/2021 07:27

Why would she do that? That would be really weird and I'm pretty sure they would notice. I'm assuming she'd have posted this when she excused herself to go to the toilet or outside to smoke

It was tongue in cheek. I meant that was the couple so self absorbed, she could have walked off they’d not even noticed.

Agelikeafinebottleofblacktower · 24/09/2021 07:28

I think there's two types of people who do this. I used to work with a woman who literally wouldn't shut up, everything came pouring out of her mouth in a long, stream of consciousness style monologue. I feel this was something she had no control over, in fact once she told me that she didn't know how to have a normal conversation, so after that if found it quite endearing.
The other type know perfectly well what they are doing. It's usually men who don't feel that anyone else is important enough to have a say in the conversation and sort of treat any conversation as if the other participants have bought tickets to their after dinner speech! It's pure arrogance and does not correlate with intelligence. I work with one of the most educated men in the world in his specific field and he takes time to know things about everyone in work, housekeeper, receptionist etc. He lets others talk.

awonderfuladventure · 24/09/2021 07:35

I find you come across a lot of people like this. They just want to talk about themselves/ their kids and never ask questions back. It's sooooo boring. Lots of Me-me's at work for me too. Telling me all their kids achievements etc but never once ask how mine are getting on. Yawn!

AnotherFruitcake · 24/09/2021 07:35

@Spiindoctor

My DH can demand attention - he doesn't say much but is knowledgeable on many things and can drone on v-e-r-y slowly taking an age to make his point .

He was a senior manager at work, has a strong voice, cutting across him would seem very rude. I'm not sure what you can do somehow you have to come over as interesting and articulate to make them listen, something which is beyond me.
I would suggest honing a couple of good, funny stories about your experiences - you will have to speak quite fast and clearly or he will cut across, it might break the tedious run of his stuff.
I speak separately to the wife about kids and stuff the men proabably know little about.

Seriously? You keep a separate line of conversation for the little woman ‘about kids and stuff the men probably know little about’?

And DH is the CEO of a major company and doesn’t take it as some kind of license to drone on for an eternity.

Glitterazzi · 24/09/2021 07:38

Sounds like he is a conversational narcissist. Just shut up already! I've encountered a few within DSF's family. Over the years I've learnt to not respond, i.e no further questions asked to them when they go on and on I show on my face how disinterested I am. They still have not got a clue!

Best thing is to avoid them. They are so self absorbed - it's draining!!

WheresYourSnickers · 24/09/2021 07:39

[quote bluelemming]@ScarlettDarling My DH's son![/quote]
I was completely confused by son-in-law too, you mean step-son.
Anyway OP, that sounds like a painful night. I hope you don't have to meet him again.

KaptainKaveman · 24/09/2021 07:39

I find the best way to deal with self absorbed people like this is to get out a book and start reading it. They probably won't even notice.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 24/09/2021 07:40

Yanbu people like this are so self absorbed. I've been talked at a number of times by middle aged men who think they are fascinating! They're worse the more they drink, it is so dull, their hobbies are generally cycling, golf etc which they love to talk about in length or their oh so fascinating work where they're obviously making a real difference in society ie mid-level manager in some boring office with too much time on their hands. Snore-off!

ThinWomansBrain · 24/09/2021 07:44

sounds ghastly - but if you were at the table texting, posting on here...
doesn;t sound as if you were actually pretending to be interested TBH