Do I need to pretend to pay attention to people I'm eating dinner with who have not asked me a single question in the past hour?

[PrincessNutella]

Out to eat with acquaintances. The wife is more interesting, but the man, of course, is the big talker. On and on he drones. His commute. His bout with Covid. His hobbies. His kids. His job.
Every once in a while I get in a question to the wife about her far-more-interesting accomplishments, until he manages to wrestle the conversation to its dull and steady path. His opinions. People he and my husband know. My Husband gets in some stories, too, about politics, hobbies, whatever. Once, husband said, "Princess Nutella is actually quite accomplished at..." which immediately reminded the other husband of a long story about flooding in his basement and insurance. Or something.
I am not usually a scorekeeper. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times. But this other couple, I don't even think they know my name, never mind what I do, if I have kids, where I live, never mind what I think. Why am I here?
Sometimes I think that it is valuable to listen to other people's stories and just hear about their lives. But right now I feel as if I could listen for 20 years to this talk and no communication would have taken place. That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. There is no meaning to them.
Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

Are there more of these types around these days?
Got a friend who will talk non stop about herself, never asks me anything. I seldom see her now.
And just spent a day with a couple. The man always talks about himself, this time it was a non stop monologue about his health, with him offering to show me his medical scans….
These people are so draining, I call them dementors.

I've never seen such a pathetically apologist comment for making arrogant, attention-demanding, rude and forceful men something that women have to make an effort to change. Your Very Important Husband has you just where he wants you, doesn't he?

Don't be ridiculous. We've been married 45 years, yes, he is stuck in the 50s, if we are out to dinner where the men are being pitas which happens about once every 5 years this is what I do.
How many dinners do you all have where the men dominate - like I said once every 5 years, or less in my case and that is how I'd pass a boring evening.

For @Somuddled

@Selttan

Ugh I hate people like this. They are completely oblivious that others are not that interested in everything about them.

Hope your night improves or is over soon.

Maybe they don't like people and want to make sure they're not invited again?

I had this recently when I popped in for a cuppa with family friends of my parents generation. I hadn’t seen them for decades but recent events had made them reach out. They seemed very excited to see me but then literally monologued to/at me for the next hour or so about their pre COVID travels, places they had seen, the history of people who owned the properties they had visited (think stately homes but overseas). I had no interest in any of it. They had no curiosity in knowing about me or my circumstances. It was baffling. When I left/escaped they told me I must come back again in couple of weeks. Umm no ….couple of decades more likely I think.

@Sloth66

Are there more of these types around these days? Got a friend who will talk non stop about herself, never asks me anything. I seldom see her now. And just spent a day with a couple. The man always talks about himself, this time it was a non stop monologue about his health, with him offering to show me his medical scans…. These people are so draining, I call them dementors.

I suspect there are, yes. And it might be linked to the fact that, on social media, you can waffle on ad infinitum without anyone interrupting you - so people have started to do this more in real life.

Either that or you've just met the wrong people!

He's obviously a bore, avoid eating out with him in future. There's nothing worse than people who talk for the sake of talking.

I naturally seem to attract people like this. I must have a beacon on my head or something. I like a good natter but I’m also a quiet sort of person, who actually likes to listen. However, I’m always on alert for me, me, me people and tend to avoid!

@drum123

I once (once only!) had a date with a guy just like this. By the end of the evening, he knew absolutely nothing about me, hadn't asked me one single question about anything. At one point, when he was droning on about his very boring holidays, I managed to interject that I had recently been on a sponsored trek on the Great Wall of China. He interrupted me before I could get any further, saying he had often thought about doing something like that and he had even got a brochure about it once! Inside, I was screaming 'You got a brochure? I fucking DID it!'.

OMG he got a BROCHURE?! You must tell me more.

@bluelemming - don't worry, you're in good company. In Jane Austen's Emma, Frank Churchill calls his step-mother his mother-in-law!

@bluelemming

My son-in-law and his girlfriend are like this. If we have a meal with them, or they come and stay, they don't ask a single question about our lives. Ever.

I find it astonishing. Is it a case of massive self-absorption or are they simply lacking social skills? I have no idea!

Son in laws girlfriend would be your daughter.....confusing!

I know someone like this. I’m convinced she thinks she’s helping me by sharing her extensive wisdom (that I didn’t ask for). It feels so arrogant. We’re all just receptacles for her word vomit.

It’s taken me a while to perfect my polite but disinterested face and she mostly avoids me now. Which is great. She probably thinks I’m horrible haha.

She’s a type of energy vampire. She sucks the life out of people with her talking.

@PrincessNutella

Out to eat with acquaintances. The wife is more interesting, but the man, of course, is the big talker. On and on he drones. His commute. His bout with Covid. His hobbies. His kids. His job. Every once in a while I get in a question to the wife about her far-more-interesting accomplishments, until he manages to wrestle the conversation to its dull and steady path. His opinions. People he and my husband know. My Husband gets in some stories, too, about politics, hobbies, whatever. Once, husband said, "Princess Nutella is actually quite accomplished at..." which immediately reminded the other husband of a long story about flooding in his basement and insurance. Or something. I am not usually a scorekeeper. I don't demand to be the center of attention at all times. But this other couple, I don't even think they know my name, never mind what I do, if I have kids, where I live, never mind what I think. Why am I here? Sometimes I think that it is valuable to listen to other people's stories and just hear about their lives. But right now I feel as if I could listen for 20 years to this talk and no communication would have taken place. That listening to someone who doesn't listen to me is like letting someone shit their words into my ears. There is no meaning to them. Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

I think I might be this person but I'm trying every day to be better. Please bear with and forgive.

I was out last week with a group of other professional women. It was a sort of networking thing and I was asked along to specifically talk to the (female) Chair about my area of expertise and help her to navigate through to other people who can help her.
My role had been explained to her beforehand by a mutual friend and she had been encouraged to have this conversation with me. Except she didn’t. She talked to me the entire time about my husband as he’s an official in a sport she’s interested in and therefore the chance to find out more about him, talk about him and potentially angle an introduction to him was clearly more her agenda than finding out from me how I could help her in her role. I’ve had this happen before but never in a business type setting where he’s not present or even a factor in any way. I felt totally used.

We had a dear friend but he was like this, if you asked if they'd had a good journey it wasn't a brief answer with a moan about traffic jams, he gave a cm by cm description, we felt we knew every lamppost intimately. If he started in our house I would start talking about something totally different and he never batted an eyelid.

Ye Dogs - YANBU.

I can't find the study at the mo, but a University ran one by measuring talk ratios between the genders, within the past few years, sorry to be vague.

Sixth formers were asked to freely discuss certain topics, under the guise of being assessed for how articulate etc they were.

Unknown to them, what was actually being observed was which gender spoke more.

Despite the popular myth that it's women who gossip & won't shut up, poor Stong Silent Menz, hey, the results were -

When boys did 75% of the talking, they reported that the conversation ration had been 50/50.

When girls did 50% of the talking, the boys reported that the girls had dominated the conversation by at least 75%.

I have had a lot of fun, innocently remarking on how interesting this study is to MEN WHO FUCKING DRONE ON AT ME.

But outside of the fun aspect, women not being heard by men is a serious issue. It leads to our medical needs being dismissed, our job prospects overlooked, & just look at the threads on here about how men don't hear a woman's "no" in the domestic sphere.

However, when men address women, they expect to be heard, & woe betide the woman who refuses to bestow attention, gratefully, at a man's whim. Hence catcalling & street harrassment. Women's ideas being ignored in meetings until a man steals them & presents them as his own. The dread, dull horror that is Mansplaining ...

Anyway, if you are ever trapped with this couple again OP, you can cheerfully quote the study. And praise the lord that you are not married to the boring, opinionated twat :)

@UnaOfStormhold

You could try downloading the time to talk app which allows you to count up the proportion of time when a man is talking vs a woman.

Cheers, Una!

I didn't know about this, could be a hoot.
www.lookwhostalking.se/

I know there are plenty of female conversation-hoggers too, but it's interesting to consider the gender aspect :)

How enraging @Spiindoctor

He was a senior manager at work, has a strong voice, cutting across him would seem very rude. I'm not sure what you can do somehow you have to come over as interesting and articulate to make them listen, something which is beyond me.

You shouldn't have to 'compete' for equal airtime with DH, no matter how important his bloody ManJob!

Interesting that you would call yourself 'rude' for cuttiing across him, but don't reference how bloody rude he is not to read the room, look out for his wife's conversational cues, or shine the light back onto you of his own volition.

Have you ever tried "You've been talking at me for 10 minutes straight & you habit of dominating conversations is pissing me off"?

You don't need to be more "interesting & articulate" to get heard.
Although I bet you are, when your voice isn't squashed by someone booming over you.
Just name his behaviour, & request that he consider other people's voices & views.

[quote RustyBear]@bluelemming - don't worry, you're in good company. In Jane Austen's Emma, Frank Churchill calls his step-mother his mother-in-law![/quote]
Ha! That makes me feel better. Thank you.

@ThinWomansBrain

sounds ghastly - but if you were at the table texting, posting on here... doesn;t sound as if you were actually pretending to be interested TBH

But why should she pretend?

Women aren't unpaid audiences for boring, conversation-hogging men.
We don't owe men pretty, & we don't owe them deference.

I think that when people are this rude, they lose the right to your politeness.

Unless this person has a "hold" over you and you need their goodwill no matter how badly they treat you, then you have a right to start browsing on your phone, ignoring them, and even walking out.

So many women feel "pinned" in this situation. We feel so much pressure to keep on being "nice" to a man even when he isn't being nice to us!

MIL is definitely like this as are various other relatives of that generation. I think they've got worse with age.
With MIL she will have a story and will eke it out as much as possible. I will interrupt with some very relevant contribution of my own , she will take a small pause and then continue. Sometimes when I can see what the punchline is going to be I will jump in there with it, but she will continue forth adding in the 10 steps of the story in the lead up to the inevitable punchline. My interrupting does not take the wind out of her sails!

I have a friend like that too, and I found zoom calls particularly bad for one person dominating to the detriment of other more interesting lines of conversation.

I'm confused by the timing. Have you been Mumsnetting your way through it all?!

I have sympathy for his wife. She has this man as a permanent fixture at the dinner table. Is there any way to get a link to Harry Enfield's 'Woman, Know Your Limits' to her?

When people have hogged the limelight a little too long, I rather like the idea of borrowing the phrase 'You have delighted us long enough' from Jane Austen.

Fishing a pomodoro timer out your handbag and insisting on equal talk time for all is another possibility.

I don't think my BIL has ever asked me a single question about myself or my interests. He's probably autistic (there are other diagnoses in the family) and definitely a bit socially awkward, I think if it ever occurred to him to ask me questions he would struggle to know what they should be.

But he also DEFINITELY feels incredibly superior to me, and additionally I'm quite successful in a field adjacent to one he wanted to work in, and still feels proprietorial about. He cannot bear to acknowledge my work, or that we might have interests in common. There could actually be a really good chat there but he will absolutely never entertain the possibility that I'm a valid and interesting person.