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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mum is angry I met my Dad! AIBU?

98 replies

CountryDumpling · 23/09/2021 19:39

My parents divorced when I was 4 very acrimoniously apparently. I had no further contact with my Dad until last year (now aged 39!) when he contacted me via Facebook.

I decided to meet him. I didn’t say anything to my Mum as I knew it would upset her. She basically refused to have any mention of him after she married my stepdad and from snippets I’ve picked up, he was abusive to her

My Mum and I have had a very difficult relationship as she was abusive herself when I was a child and my childhood was pretty dysfunctional. I only realised this after I had my own children but our relationship had been pretty good over the last few years.

Since meeting my Dad, he has told me stuff that doesn’t particularly paint her in a good light which I have mixed feelings about. He admits lots of arguments but said it was on both sides.

Anyway, I would like my DC to meet their Grandad soon. My oldest is now aware my stepdad is not her real Grandad and she keeps asking to meet him. The thing is before I involve my DC with him, I want to know what kind of a person he is as I don’t really know him and can’t trust him. My Mum would be the one to answer that right?

Well I’ve tried to talk about it with her but she has outright refused to give me any information, said I’m disgusting going behind her back and meeting him, and I’m never to talk to her about it again!

She has totally changed towards me (very distant and rarely answers my calls) and even my siblings (not my Dad’s DC) have said I’m wrong to meet him!

Who is BU here?

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 23/09/2021 19:43

YANBU to meet your Dad, but be very careful before introducing him to the DC. Give it some time. Make up your own mind about him based on your current experiences with him, rather than asking your Mum. Her view is never going to be impartial and won't help you any.
If she really doesn't want to talk about it, don't.

PumpkinsAndCats · 23/09/2021 19:47

I can see why your mum is upset that you kept it from her if I’m honest but I realise my opinion will be unpopular, I would be wary of your father he obviously isn’t great if he didn’t bother to contact you in 35 years

Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2021 19:48

YANBU to want to meet him but if he was abusive it’s entirely reasonable for your mum to not want to discuss him.

Why wasn’t he in your life for 30 years?

I wouldn’t introduce my children to a potentially abusive and definitely neglectful father.

shouldistop · 23/09/2021 19:50

Yanbu to have met him.

I wouldn't want my children involved with a man who didn't bother to have contact with their own 4yo for 35 years and is potentially abusive.

RubyGoat · 23/09/2021 19:50

I'd be wary. But, if she won't talk about him, how else are you to find out about him?

Ughmaybenot · 23/09/2021 19:52

Mm. Yanbu to speak to him, and to form a relationship if that is what you want to do but you absolutely cannot expect her to divulge details of their relationship, especially as the impression is there that it was abusive. As for him saying it was two sided… maybe so, but he could well be full of shit. Classic move from someone abusive.
You’re rushing into introducing your children and I don’t think that’s a good idea at all.

GreyEyedWitch · 23/09/2021 19:55

What kind of father abandons his child and doesn't make contact for over three decades?

If I were you, I'd definitely meet him because it's sometimes good to know where you come from, but I wouldn't have told my DC about him at this stage. I would want to meet with him dozens of times before getting to that point.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/09/2021 19:55

You're not unreasonable to meet your dad.
It was massively unreasonable of you think the best way to break the upsetting (to her) news to your mum that you have done that is by asking her all about him so you can involve him in your children's life, not remotely diplomatic and I'm not surprised she's reacted badly.
You are also bu if you think she'd be the right person to tell you about him, she had a very acrimonious divorce from him that she's still bitter and angry about today, she's not going to tell you anything positive or objective. If you don't know anyone else you trust who is less emotionally involved to give you inside knowledge then you'll have to treat it like any new person you may and progress very slowly as you get to know him.

Dragongirl10 · 23/09/2021 19:57

Keep your children away. Yanbu to meet with him but it is very important to get to know him over a long period of time , keep an open mind , listen a lot, ask the difficult questions and listen objectively to the answers.
Try and gently explain to your mum that you need to be able to talk to her about him and that you would be grateful if she would put her animosity aside to answer your questions. Tell her how much this means to you and your future happiness..( everyone wants to know their history)
Write to her so she has time to absorb it..
He may well have been awful to her and certainly has not been around for you but making peace with the past can heal some deep wounds.
Just please do not let him into your children’s lives until you are absolutely sure he has the best intentions and won’t disappear and hurt them, ( l would wait at least a year or two of regular contact to prove himself)
Good luck op

GalaxyPostcard · 23/09/2021 19:58

I have a dad like this and I'd never introduce DC to him in a million years, even if he's changed. He could still walk out again at any moment and it's just not fair to them.

ViaRia · 23/09/2021 20:00

I’m very close to a situation like this myself. I understand the conflict between not wanting to upset close family (mum and stepdad) and having the desire/ right to know your biological father if you want to.

I would be very cautious about introducing children to biological grandad unless/ until you know him well enough. The same way anyone would avoid disrupting a home balance with, say, a new partner or friends. You have to trust the person first.

Depending on the age of the child who is keen to meet, you could just explain that the circumstances are complicated and that you need to get to know him first. I really do think that is reasonable. I think getting to know him for yourself is far more reliable than asking for insight from your mum who will be biased and (from the sounds of it) controlling.

If you are not planning to build a relationship with him, then I don’t think your children need to meet him at all.

ManifestDestinee · 23/09/2021 20:01

If he was abusive to her...and is already lying to you that it was her fault, don't you think she has a right to be angry that you are seeing him without telling her and want to introduce your kids?

Nandakanda · 23/09/2021 20:06

Just for balance, it could be that DM does not want you to know something - she may have had an affair (with SF for example?) that she’d rather you didn’t know about.

The advice to take your time and see how things work out is sound however.

Twilight7777 · 23/09/2021 20:08

I feel sorry for your mum, who has moved on and suddenly finds out you have been in contact with her abusive ex. I get it’s your dad, but why would you go behind her back? I’m in a similar position, my mum has been abused by my dad for years, physical mental and rape. My brother has begun seeing our dad again, despite what he knows about what my dad did

Glssr195726113493 · 23/09/2021 20:08

I wouldn't want my children involved with a man who didn't bother to have contact with their own 4yo for 35 years and is potentially abusive.

This is such a good point. Don’t forget that he abandoned you.

HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 20:13

YANBU to have met him yourself.

But as per PPs, I definitely wouldn't have told your kids about him yet. Saying things like DD knows your step father isn't her "real" grandad. Seems quite sad to me? Which one has been around? I'd say he was the real one!

He abandoned you for 35 years. He doesn't sound like a good man. I'd be careful before rushing into anything.

lunar1 · 23/09/2021 20:16

My dad abandoned me as a child, my stepdad is the most incredible grandad to my children.

If my dad ever contacted me hell would freeze over before I allowed my children to have a relationship with him.

Littlepaws18 · 23/09/2021 20:18

I am dreading this day myself. My ex was violent and emotionally abusive. We went to court and it was determined that he should only have indirect contact, which he doesn't use. I would not support my child meeting him because I know how dangerous he is. But at the same time I understand how there is a need to know where you came from.

Your position is different in the fact your mother has been abusive towards you as well. I would get to know him first before you introduce him to anybody. Let your own experience of him be the judge. Your children's safety is priority over building a new relationship with their new grandad.

And also give it time, when the honeymoon period is over that's the real test.

Mydogmylife · 23/09/2021 20:20

@HowCome2

YANBU to have met him yourself.

But as per PPs, I definitely wouldn't have told your kids about him yet. Saying things like DD knows your step father isn't her "real" grandad. Seems quite sad to me? Which one has been around? I'd say he was the real one!

He abandoned you for 35 years. He doesn't sound like a good man. I'd be careful before rushing into anything.

This 100 %
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2021 20:22

What a nightmare. No way in the world I'd be risking my DD's mental health and well-being introducing an abusive man into her life.

I'm wondering why you would.

BananaPB · 23/09/2021 20:24

Yanbu to have met him yourself but I don't think you should have told your son that.

You risk him abandoning your kids too. He didn't contact you for 35 years. Only you can answer if your son be better off meeting him, getting attached them being abandoned or not meeting him at all.

BananaPB · 23/09/2021 20:25

Your mum is not unreasonable to be shocked and not want to discuss the past.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2021 20:27

It is very ill advised to involve your children with this man, and your mother has been crystal clear that she doesn't want to hear another word about him. Get to know him yourself, but leave everyone else out of it. You would be negligent to expose your child to him.

Seriallover · 23/09/2021 20:28

Yanbu but you don't need your Mum to know what your dad is like. Spend time with him and get to know him more. Decide for yourself and then let him meet your children

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 20:29

This man fucked off for 35 years and one of your reasons to introduce him to your child is because she keeps asking?
I wouldn’t have even told her that I was in contact with him until I’d had far more time to test his character.

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