My Mum is angry I met my Dad! AIBU?

[CountryDumpling]

My parents divorced when I was 4 very acrimoniously apparently. I had no further contact with my Dad until last year (now aged 39!) when he contacted me via Facebook.

I decided to meet him. I didn’t say anything to my Mum as I knew it would upset her. She basically refused to have any mention of him after she married my stepdad and from snippets I’ve picked up, he was abusive to her

My Mum and I have had a very difficult relationship as she was abusive herself when I was a child and my childhood was pretty dysfunctional. I only realised this after I had my own children but our relationship had been pretty good over the last few years.

Since meeting my Dad, he has told me stuff that doesn’t particularly paint her in a good light which I have mixed feelings about. He admits lots of arguments but said it was on both sides.

Anyway, I would like my DC to meet their Grandad soon. My oldest is now aware my stepdad is not her real Grandad and she keeps asking to meet him. The thing is before I involve my DC with him, I want to know what kind of a person he is as I don’t really know him and can’t trust him. My Mum would be the one to answer that right?

Well I’ve tried to talk about it with her but she has outright refused to give me any information, said I’m disgusting going behind her back and meeting him, and I’m never to talk to her about it again!

She has totally changed towards me (very distant and rarely answers my calls) and even my siblings (not my Dad’s DC) have said I’m wrong to meet him!

Who is BU here?

@Cocomarine

I’d be interested to know how easy it was to get an NHS vasectomy aged 22 with one biological child of your own, 35 ish years ago.

This exactly my brother of 28 has two child ( about 20 years ago ) had to do huge amount of convincing , this included some several meeting with different ppl etc took ages from the initial appointment .

Difficult situation. Your Dad definitely doesn’t sound like an angel, why has he only just made contact now over 30 years later? Any parent can fight for access if they truly want it, he clearly didn’t try. I’d also be wary of the fact he’s slated your Mum the first time you met him, not a very dignified or honourable thing to do… I wouldn’t introduce to your DC just yet personally, he might leave again.

I’d be interested to know how easy it was to get an NHS vasectomy aged 22 with one biological child of your own, 35 ish years ago.

Unsure about 35 years ago but it’s easy as fuck now. DH is 28 and has had one.

Your mum is one side of a two sided story. She’s being very childish and immature. Only
You can decide based on what you KNOW and not why your mum tells you or thinks.

Only to be expected this would turn into (yet another) MN lynching.

Let’s examine the evidence: DM marries three times (that we know about) hauling accumulated kids from previous marriage to the next. DF attempts to maintain contact but mother moves 200 miles away with latest bloke without telling DF. DF eventually locates and spends time outside school waiting for a glimpse of his daughter. DM also had at least two known affairs. Current mn posters seem to think visitation rights were enforced historically, but I actually expect they were not.

I would reckon DF gave up demoralized eventually. Similar situations happen to numerous men which can be evidenced with a random trawl through MN on any given day where women plot to escape a husband they have decided is abusive with “their” children. (Amusingly, threads elsewhere lament the prevalence of commitment-phobic men - I wonder why?).

I would say DM is petrified her behaviour will be exposed, and predictably turns on the emotional manipulation/silent treatment to forestall this.

But that’s just me.

Evidence?
Marriages, yes. There is evidence for that.
He says he tried, that's not evidence. He says she had affairs. That's not evidence. He says he spent time outside her school. That's not evidence.

He says she says is not evidence.

I feel that your relationship with your parents is somewhat similar to mine.
My mum chucked me out of her house for having contact with my dad. She felt that I needed to take her side. There were sides to be had, and the only choice was her, or out.

The thing is, in spending time with my dad, I did realise that a huge percentage of the way she told me she was treated ran through into so many of his relationships.
Whilst he paints a picture of her keeping him out of my life, the truth is that he has never really acted like a dad. He has given me 4 birthday cards in the past 16 years. one of which my husband bought, took to his home and had him sign.

He has not been reliable in my life, and he certainly hasnt been a reliable grandparent to my DD.

Please, take things slowly for both you and DDs sakes. He may turn out to be lovely, and you may end up with a lovely father daughter relationship, but you may also end up in the same position as I am in, where I dont have a dad, but a man who believes that as I am his daughter, I owe him the care that a father deserves.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Evidence? Marriages, yes. There is evidence for that. He says he tried, that's not evidence. He says she had affairs. That's not evidence. He says he spent time outside her school. That's not evidence.

He says she says is not evidence.

…and neither is DM’s view that he was “abusive” - that most seem to accept without question.

Let’s examine the evidence: DM marries three times (that we know about) hauling accumulated kids from previous marriage to the next. DF attempts to maintain contact but mother moves 200 miles away with latest bloke without telling DF. DF eventually locates and spends time outside school waiting for a glimpse of his daughter. DM also had at least two known affairs. Current mn posters seem to think visitation rights were enforced historically, but I actually expect they were not

That's what he SAID. That doesn't mean that is what happened. It's not evidence at all.

…and neither is DM’s view that he was “abusive” - that most seem to accept without question

Op's mother never told he was, other people did. So that is better evidence.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Evidence? Marriages, yes. There is evidence for that. He says he tried, that's not evidence. He says she had affairs. That's not evidence. He says he spent time outside her school. That's not evidence.

He says she says is not evidence.

Exactly.

The most significant evidence is the he didn't attempt to see the op for 35 years. The op was an adult for most of that time. What excuse does he have for that?

Op you will never get the full story for all people know her mum could of been the abusive one and kept the op from her father as a way of her still keeping control even though they had split up.

Your mother might and might not be telling the truth about your dad, and your dad might and might not be telling the truth about your mother.

Your mum might be scared now of you finding out what she was really like and ascared of you resenting her for keeping you apart from your father.

But what ever the story is unfortunately is just a matter of what he said she said, and you can't rely on what your mum told people because she would only tell people her side of the story and the same for your dad.

But if you want to get to know him your a grown woman and can make up your own mind on him, I'm sure your mum knew this day would come at some stage she will get over it.

Good luck op.

What would concern me is the things your father has told you painting the woman who raised you in a bad light.
You know her.
Is this

@Nandakanda this isn’t about the mother though. It’s about the father.

So do you think that OP is right to rush into introducing her children to “their real grandad” when she hasn’t yet explored why he didn’t bother to contact her from age 18-39?

Even if he turned up saying he was in a coma for 21 years, and would prefer not to say anything about the divorce out of respect for her mother… would you still not advise the OP to slow down?

I’d love to know about the timing of the death of his wife of 25 years.
Colour me cynical, but I’d want to know if his interest was because he now finds himself without family. I’d also want to know if he didn’t reach out before because he never told his now dead wife about his @Nandakanda I’ll borrow your words “beloved daughter”.

Forget about the mother here, and just go in eyes wide open on the father.

Biologically he is your father but in reality he’s a stranger. You can’t force your mother to talk about him which means you will have to treat him like a stranger and build a relationship with him. I personally would not introduce your kids to this man for a very long time. You need to build a relationship with him before your kids do.

I’m also not buying a ‘forced’ vasectomy at aged 22. There’s a good chance that he is/ was just as bad as your mother.

I could have written your post with the exception that I was the one who got in contact with him. I will never tell my DM, who, to give her credit, did the best job she could raising me but is a complete narcissist. She would never see it from my point of view - that I want to know about that part of myself, she would only ever see it as a betrayal of her. In my case I can't trust what she says about him (although I would also take what what he says about the past with a pinch of salt). I came to a place where I decided the past was in the past, and the only way to do this and protect my mental health was to consider him as a person I wanted to get to know now. He has been married for many years and I have a half sibling, it has been great getting to know them too. I will introduce him to my children when the time comes, but as he lives far away there will not be a close relationship. I want them to meet, that's important to me.
I think you need to let go of the past - you can't trust either of them to be completely honest and it will only destroy your relationship with your mum if you pursue this. Best of luck with a very trick situation.

I can totally understand your dm being hurt and upset. What stands out however is the fact that he made no contact with you for years. That was his choice. Remember that and do not let your children be rejected by him.

My dds both had contact with my MIL who treated me terribly and I have had no contact with for years. Yes, it hurt but people have to make up their own minds. My youngest has been a few times but is wary of her. My dd1 used it during a period she was not getting on with her dad and me and it really hurt us.

But she is still the woman she always was and things did not go well. I take no joy from that but it was the very thing I tried to protect them from when they were younger.

I would not let your kids meet him. You need to suss him out more and he has some difficult questions to answer. The more you see of him, the more you will see his true character.

That said, you had a right to meet your dad and do not deserve censure for it. It is perhaps the secrecy involved.

Exactly.

The most significant evidence is the he didn't attempt to see the op for 35 years. The op was an adult for most of that time. What excuse does he have for that?"

Absolutely none.

Which still doesn't mean one person telling another person something is evidence, which was my point. Things that can be proven are evidence.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Exactly.

The most significant evidence is the he didn't attempt to see the op for 35 years. The op was an adult for most of that time. What excuse does he have for that?"

Absolutely none.

Which still doesn't mean one person telling another person something is evidence, which was my point. Things that can be proven are evidence.

I was agreeing with you. It sounds like you thought I wasn't.

@PumpkinsAndCats

It’s naive to suggest that there aren’t women who cut off their ex’s and prevent relationships with the children. It’s just easy to stick with the narrative that “woman says man is abusive so it must be true and everything he says about her is lies,” when actually, we have evidence here that the mother was abusive and very little is known about the father.

Nope not buying it, he could have taken her to court if that was the case! Also why would a father leave a child with an abusive mother then? Why didn’t he fight all the way to get her away from her abusive mother?

You know that it’s almost impossible NOW to get a child away from an abusive mother.

35 years ago? It would not have happened

[quote CountryDumpling]**@Nandakanda spot on. Well done. I have been told my Mum had at least two affairs and that was why my Dad left. He was quite a bit younger than her and he adopted my older siblings from my Mum’s first marriage.

It’s not as clear cut as he abandoned me so I’ve been told. He did see us for around a year afterwards (I remember going to the Wimpey at the weekend with him and my half siblings) then my Mum and stepdad (they were married and expecting my younger brother by then) moved 200 miles away without telling him. He said he went to the house and it was empty. A neighbour told him we’d packed up and left. He tracked us down when I was a teenager and told my Mum he wanted to see us all but she refused apparently. He says he parked outside my secondary school for a few days to get a glimpse of me. He thought it better to leave it rather than approach me himself as so much time had gone past.

This is all what I need to ask her about to see if it’s true but she has refused to discuss it at all. She has never directly said he was abusive. I picked that up from my older siblings

He was married to his 2nd wife for 25 years before she died from cancer so he was able to maintain a relationship with her. He had no further children as my Mum made him get a vasectomy at 22 .

I never went behind my Mum’s back, that is her perception. I knew very well she’d be angry about it but should that have stopped me meeting my own Dad again?! My DC meeting their Grandad?

I find her refusal to understand my position baffling. She was very close to her own Dad too![/quote]
This seems like a fairytale that paints your mum negatively. Abusers do this all the time. It’s easy enough to check up on the facts - check with the local hospitals whether they allowed vasectomies at 22 and under what circumstances. Ask around - check his wife’s death certificate, see if you can get a copy of their marriage certificate to see if the dates line up. Google him. There are Private Investigators in the Uk who specialise in absent dad story verification - use them.

If you’re going to give him access to your kids you absolutely need to make sure he’s telling the truth

Sounds like his Wife died .. and now he has nothing to do.. nobody to look after him.. care about him.,, and decided to rock on up into your family unit ...