My Mum is angry I met my Dad! AIBU?

[CountryDumpling]

My parents divorced when I was 4 very acrimoniously apparently. I had no further contact with my Dad until last year (now aged 39!) when he contacted me via Facebook.

I decided to meet him. I didn’t say anything to my Mum as I knew it would upset her. She basically refused to have any mention of him after she married my stepdad and from snippets I’ve picked up, he was abusive to her

My Mum and I have had a very difficult relationship as she was abusive herself when I was a child and my childhood was pretty dysfunctional. I only realised this after I had my own children but our relationship had been pretty good over the last few years.

Since meeting my Dad, he has told me stuff that doesn’t particularly paint her in a good light which I have mixed feelings about. He admits lots of arguments but said it was on both sides.

Anyway, I would like my DC to meet their Grandad soon. My oldest is now aware my stepdad is not her real Grandad and she keeps asking to meet him. The thing is before I involve my DC with him, I want to know what kind of a person he is as I don’t really know him and can’t trust him. My Mum would be the one to answer that right?

Well I’ve tried to talk about it with her but she has outright refused to give me any information, said I’m disgusting going behind her back and meeting him, and I’m never to talk to her about it again!

She has totally changed towards me (very distant and rarely answers my calls) and even my siblings (not my Dad’s DC) have said I’m wrong to meet him!

Who is BU here?

@Nandakanda

Thanks for your reply *@CountryDumpling*.

So she had at least two affairs, forced him to get a vasectomy and moved away with his beloved daughter without telling him?

Fairly obvious who the abuser is here.

Poor man.

Jesus Christ. You know nothing of this situation in reality but by Christ, you’re very trusting of a man who neglected to contact his daughter for 35 years.

Sometimes mothers don’t want to talk about it and get angry because their lies might be exposed. I learned some interesting things when I met my father and SM and from my maternal aunts when I discussed it with them. So there is that side of it too. You won’t ever know the 100% truth, trust your instincts.

@Mydogmylife

Also interesting that the only poster that you've engaged with is the only one bigging up your dad

Yes. A total pair of fools.

I agree with PPs that say see how it pans out over time before you introduce your kids. My abusive dad was in phone contact with me for about a year after 20 years no contact. I allowed him to speak to DS once on the phone, he just rambled on about himself and sounded like a complete dick. DS was like and hasn't asked after him since.

I've heard from a family member that he was asking around for my phone number recently after another 2 years of no contact, because apparently he lost it (okay, right) and they all told him roundly to be more careful with precious numbers in future and they aren't giving it out now.

Sometimes these things died out for a reason. I know it sucks when its a parent but you've moved on. Protect yourself and your kids. Think about it - who do care about and not contact for 20/ 30 years... no-one! You would keep in contact if you cared. If you were decent.

I think it’s worth considering the possibility that they’re BOTH a shitshow, and working out who was more or less at fault is less productive than limiting contact with both, and talking that through with a therapist. I’m sorry, it really does sound like you’ve been short changed on both sides 😕
Something I would keep away from my children.

I don’t supposed the wife with cancer died fairly recently, and he’s lonely?

Thing is, the OP has said that her mother was abusive when she was growing up. So there is actually evidence that the mother is/was abusive.

It’s naive to suggest that there aren’t women who cut off their ex’s and prevent relationships with the children. It’s just easy to stick with the narrative that “woman says man is abusive so it must be true and everything he says about her is lies,” when actually, we have evidence here that the mother was abusive and very little is known about the father.

I suspect the mother is angry because she’s afraid the OP may actually find out the truth rather than her version of it.

Except this thread isn’t full of people sticking to that narrative @HeartsAndClubs

Nobody is saying he must be abusive.
They’re just saying be careful about rushing to introduce “real grandad” to your children when he’s a man who hasn’t reached out for any of your 21 adults years, and is not slow to say negative things about your mother. Things which may be true, but are not at this stage necessary.

It’s naive to suggest that there aren’t women who cut off their ex’s and prevent relationships with the children. It’s just easy to stick with the narrative that “woman says man is abusive so it must be true and everything he says about her is lies,” when actually, we have evidence here that the mother was abusive and very little is known about the father.

Nope not buying it, he could have taken her to court if that was the case! Also why would a father leave a child with an abusive mother then? Why didn’t he fight all the way to get her away from her abusive mother?

@Cocomarine

I’d be interested to know how easy it was to get an NHS vasectomy aged 22 with one biological child of your own, 35 ish years ago.

Actually , on thinking about this, you're right! I doubt very much that a vasectomy would've been carried out on a 22 year old unless there were medical reasons ( not that I can think of any off hand)

Having read your update, it's clear that you want to believe him and his movie storyline explanation.

I'm not saying that your mum was an angel and he was a devil but your mum might not want to hurt you with the truth

Maybe your Dad was prevented from contacting you but thanks to the Internet, it's astonishing to believe that he didn't contact you years ago. You might not have been on Facebook 15 years ago but your extended family like Oder siblings, aunts etc might very well have.

Are you sure he got a vasectomy at 22? This suggests 30 years old + is the accepted age www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/vasectomy-male-sterilisation/ although the rules could have been different back then

The fact that he had a long relationship after your mum is neither here nor there. He might have been more compatible with his late wife or they could have been in another abusive relationship but unable to leave, a common story that I read on here.

Thing is, the OP has said that her mother was abusive when she was growing up. So there is actually evidence that the mother is/was abusive.

I'm not suggesting OPs mother wasn't abusive. But let's be honest, no contact from a father for 35 years, many of which were when OP was an adult, is pretty damning evidence against him too.

There's nothing to say they can't both be pretty shitty parents.

That's really rubbish for the OP who imo sounds quite desperate for her Dad to be seen in a better light.

I think she needs to be really careful because nothing she has said makes me think "oh poor him". Her mother being abusive too doesn't mean he wasn't.

He's not contacted OP for 35 years. He wouldn't have even needed court orders for a lot of that time because she'd have been an adult. He swans back in now talking about how terrible her Mum was, all this talk of him being her kids "real" grandad etc... I'm sorry but it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen if not handled right.

OP, there is no point asking your Mum about your Dad. She obviously has nothing good to say about him nor he about her so what's the point? You won't get a true picture about the other from either of them. You need to spend time making your own judgements and go from there. I wish it were easy to take the emotion out of these scenarios, I think it would help seeing things clearly. But unfortunately that's impossible I know.

This may not be a popular opinion on here, but have you considered that the reason your Dad wasn't around was because your Mum shut him out of your life? Her distancing now could be distress, but it could also be an attempt to manipulate you. You mentioned that she has been abusive to you in the past. The fact is, you don't actually know, so I would be keeping an open mind and accept that you will probably never know all the rights and wrongs of the past. Give your Dad a chance, but take it very very slowly and only introduce your DCs very carefully.

@BethAfra

This may not be a popular opinion on here, but have you considered that the reason your Dad wasn't around was because your Mum shut him out of your life? Her distancing now could be distress, but it could also be an attempt to manipulate you. You mentioned that she has been abusive to you in the past. The fact is, you don't actually know, so I would be keeping an open mind and accept that you will probably never know all the rights and wrongs of the past. Give your Dad a chance, but take it very very slowly and only introduce your DCs very carefully.

@BethAfra have you actually considered reading the thread?

This is a man who made an active choice not to see you for 35 years and then appear out of no where acting the victim & blaming your Mother... how does any of this serve to build a relationship with you or explain his absence for so long?

My ex spins a similar woeful tale to your Father, all the while making nil effort and blaming me.. Unlike you my daughter has had contact with her Father and the opportunity to get to know him. She has needed ongoing therapy to cope with seeing him. I have needed ongoing therapy to function with him still in our lives. While you may not understand her reasons, your Mum has every right to not wish to discuss your Father with you. I will never ever discuss the past with my daughter and thank god she has no memory of us together.

Pay heed to your Mother's reaction & reluctance to discuss the past, it speaks volumes.

He's played you a blinder OP.. 😱

My 'Dad' made a choice not to be in my life from the point I was 3 months old. After a brief and half-hearted (on his part) period of contact in my teens I've chosen to have nothing to do with him since. I'm in my late 30s now.

Absolutely no way on earth would he be meeting any future DC of mine. He's had years to try and make amends with me and not bothered, at this point he's dead to me.

What are your Dad's reasons for 3 decades of no contact, because once you reached 18 he can no longer use the excuse of your Mum preventing it.

The sad truth is you already allow your children to be around an abuser. You know your mom is abusive but still allow a relationship with your children.
As far as your dad is concerned, nothing your mother says it's reliable. You just need to take things slow and build a relationship between the two of you before you decide to introduce your child. I'd wait at least a minimum of a year of regular contract/ meeting but probably at least two years before bringing the kids into it.

Well I do agree with most PP's TBH, that your children shouldn't be seeing him yet if ever, and that whatever your father says there isn't really an excuse for just not seeing your child or doing everything you can to find them if their mother takes them away. It isn't a good idea either to bad mouth your mother to you to make you agree with him that your mother is to blame, because that just makes it sound like he doesn't want to own what he did himself, and wants to make you feel like you'd have had this amazing relationship if it wasn't for your mother taking you away.

But.... from what you say about your mother she isn't really helping herself. You say she was abusive to you as a child, so you know that what your dad says about her being abusive to him, or at least they were both having arguments and being abusive to eachother, is likely to be right.

The problem is that by him telling you this it makes him seem like he just doesn't want to say "Look whatever went on with me and your mum I could have done more. I'm sorry and I want to be in your life now, if you'll let me." because he wants to make himself look less in the wrong for leaving you.

But your mother isn't helping herself by having been abusive to you herself, and now by not talking to you about it and blaming you for wanting answers that she won't give you. It's understandable you're going to want to know what went on, and obviously if your father was abusive to her its understandable she wouldn't want to talk about it, but the problem is she had a child with him and when you do that you have to be honest with that child. Because by not being she's making you go to the only person who is giving you answers. Your father. So obviously you're going to listen to him. Because he's the only one talking to you. So I don't think your mum can really blame you for that when she wont give you her version if what happened. Because if she did you might be more likely to believe what your mum tells you because she's the one who did care enough to bring you up, but that doesn't automatically make what your father says wrong, and without any information to contradict what he says happened I don't think it's wrong of you to want to see him because you've now been given an account of what happened that makes you think your dad might not have been quite as you thought and you now want to get to know him.

You are perfectly entitled to meet your Dad. In your shoes i would be quite suspicious of your Mum's version of events from what you've said.

Maybe there’s more bad behaviour that she doesn’t want you to know about… like maybe he WAS paying child support or maybe she had form for moving on to the next guy with more money, etc.

You're an absolute idiot if you believe him.

He abandoned you for 35 years. Facts are facts. Its utter bullshit that he will be trotting out. Why on earth would you risk introducing a man like this to your children.

I feel sorry for your mum. She may not have been perfect but she stuck around and raised you. Where is your loyalty?

@Willyoujustbequiet

You're an absolute idiot if you believe him.

He abandoned you for 35 years. Facts are facts. Its utter bullshit that he will be trotting out. Why on earth would you risk introducing a man like this to your children.

I feel sorry for your mum. She may not have been perfect but she stuck around and raised you. Where is your loyalty?

Yip.. it's incredible that after 35 years HE gets to control the narrative and rewrite history in his favour of course... poor man..... Poor Liar more like....

Probably the safest thing is to assumeneither will give you an undistorted version of the truth.
How common is your name? If it's really common it can be quite hard to identify someone on social media, especially if you don't know where they live, they have married and changed their and they have a photo of their dog etc as their profile. If those apply he might have been trying unsuccessfully, if they don't draw your own conclusions.

[quote CountryDumpling]**@Nandakanda spot on. Well done. I have been told my Mum had at least two affairs and that was why my Dad left. He was quite a bit younger than her and he adopted my older siblings from my Mum’s first marriage.

It’s not as clear cut as he abandoned me so I’ve been told. He did see us for around a year afterwards (I remember going to the Wimpey at the weekend with him and my half siblings) then my Mum and stepdad (they were married and expecting my younger brother by then) moved 200 miles away without telling him. He said he went to the house and it was empty. A neighbour told him we’d packed up and left. He tracked us down when I was a teenager and told my Mum he wanted to see us all but she refused apparently. He says he parked outside my secondary school for a few days to get a glimpse of me. He thought it better to leave it rather than approach me himself as so much time had gone past.

This is all what I need to ask her about to see if it’s true but she has refused to discuss it at all. She has never directly said he was abusive. I picked that up from my older siblings

He was married to his 2nd wife for 25 years before she died from cancer so he was able to maintain a relationship with her. He had no further children as my Mum made him get a vasectomy at 22 .

I never went behind my Mum’s back, that is her perception. I knew very well she’d be angry about it but should that have stopped me meeting my own Dad again?! My DC meeting their Grandad?

I find her refusal to understand my position baffling. She was very close to her own Dad too![/quote]
How gullible are you? Nobody can get a vasectomy at 22 and if he could track you down as a teenager he could have done it the day after you moved. But he didn't even bother to talk to you after having tracked you down?
Bullshit.

@Nandakanda

Thanks for your reply *@CountryDumpling*.

So she had at least two affairs, forced him to get a vasectomy and moved away with his beloved daughter without telling him?

Fairly obvious who the abuser is here.

Poor man.

No, it's not obvious at all.

Actions speak louder than words. He didn't try to do anything about it for over 30 years. Those are his actions. The words could easily be lies or distortions of the truth or half truths. Why would op take the word of a man who made zero effort for 3 decades? I wouldn't.