My Mum is angry I met my Dad! AIBU?

[CountryDumpling]

My parents divorced when I was 4 very acrimoniously apparently. I had no further contact with my Dad until last year (now aged 39!) when he contacted me via Facebook.

I decided to meet him. I didn’t say anything to my Mum as I knew it would upset her. She basically refused to have any mention of him after she married my stepdad and from snippets I’ve picked up, he was abusive to her

My Mum and I have had a very difficult relationship as she was abusive herself when I was a child and my childhood was pretty dysfunctional. I only realised this after I had my own children but our relationship had been pretty good over the last few years.

Since meeting my Dad, he has told me stuff that doesn’t particularly paint her in a good light which I have mixed feelings about. He admits lots of arguments but said it was on both sides.

Anyway, I would like my DC to meet their Grandad soon. My oldest is now aware my stepdad is not her real Grandad and she keeps asking to meet him. The thing is before I involve my DC with him, I want to know what kind of a person he is as I don’t really know him and can’t trust him. My Mum would be the one to answer that right?

Well I’ve tried to talk about it with her but she has outright refused to give me any information, said I’m disgusting going behind her back and meeting him, and I’m never to talk to her about it again!

She has totally changed towards me (very distant and rarely answers my calls) and even my siblings (not my Dad’s DC) have said I’m wrong to meet him!

Who is BU here?

Watch out. He abandoned you. He should have moved hell and high water to see you. Very easy to meet up with a 39yo, not so easy to do the whole parenting thing, which he didn't.

I would also watch how harshly you judge your mum. She brought you up without your father. It must have been hard. Don't hold her to a gold standard if she genuinely did her best.

I can understand this from all three sides. Your mum hating you being in contact with someone she'd hoped was gone forever; your dad wanting to establish a relationship with a child he shoukd never have list touch with; and you wanting to feel whole by having an amicable relationship with both parents.

I gather from your post that your mother being abusive ties into your father's claim that abuse went both ways. And he owns up to his share in the abuse? It's difficult to get over that he had no contact with you for 35 years but it's also hard to judge because you don't know the situation or the atmosphere of how things were then.

I do think that it's unreasonable of your mum to stop speaking to you because you want to have contact with your dad. Maybe she made contact difficult when you were young as well? (Still not an excuse for him disappearing from your life.) I think this is one of those occasions where you have to make decisions on your own and keep it to yourself. You need to establish your own relationship with him before involving the children. You have to get a feel of whether he has changed and is going to be able to be a consistent figure in your lives. People can change a lot over 35 years. I'm nothing like I was when I was 25. Just go slowly and cautiously and don't share with your children. Good luck.

TBH I think your mum is in the wrong here and that's causing the real issue. Yes, it is painful to have to talk about an abusive or even just very bad relationship.

But there are things you have to do for your kids and one of them is, when they are adults, to give them information about an absent parent, and potentially about what went wrong. Not the gory details, but the general gist of it. A father is not going to disappear from a child's mind just because you don't talk about it and while you might hope they don't care and never ask, chances are they will.

I can see why she may be upset. But she does not have the right to punish you for that. She had a child with that person, you understandably want to know who your dad is. YANBU, she is.

@Nandakanda spot on. Well done. I have been told my Mum had at least two affairs and that was why my Dad left. He was quite a bit younger than her and he adopted my older siblings from my Mum’s first marriage.

It’s not as clear cut as he abandoned me so I’ve been told. He did see us for around a year afterwards (I remember going to the Wimpey at the weekend with him and my half siblings) then my Mum and stepdad (they were married and expecting my younger brother by then) moved 200 miles away without telling him. He said he went to the house and it was empty. A neighbour told him we’d packed up and left. He tracked us down when I was a teenager and told my Mum he wanted to see us all but she refused apparently. He says he parked outside my secondary school for a few days to get a glimpse of me. He thought it better to leave it rather than approach me himself as so much time had gone past.

This is all what I need to ask her about to see if it’s true but she has refused to discuss it at all. She has never directly said he was abusive. I picked that up from my older siblings

He was married to his 2nd wife for 25 years before she died from cancer so he was able to maintain a relationship with her. He had no further children as my Mum made him get a vasectomy at 22 .

I never went behind my Mum’s back, that is her perception. I knew very well she’d be angry about it but should that have stopped me meeting my own Dad again?! My DC meeting their Grandad?

I find her refusal to understand my position baffling. She was very close to her own Dad too!

I echo what PP say. She could be saying nothing as she is controlling and jealous and doesnt want you to form a relationship with him. Or she could be damaged and scared and you talking about it has dragged up a lot of trauma for her. Even if she tells you the truth / her version of it, it's not going to be the same as his so how do you actually think this would help? How are you going to judge who is telling the truth? I'd carry on, leave your kids out of it for now, but proceed with caution

Your mother said your dad was abusive. Yet she was also abusive. Maybe she hasn't told the truth about him and is now afraid of what will come out. It's shit that he waited so long to make contact. Has he explained why? Does he have other kids? Maybe hold off for another while before introducing the kids and see if you can build on your own relationship with him first. Don't feel bad about meeting him against your mother's wishes. You would need to keep your relationships seperate, not discussing one parent with the other.

Don't rush into anything.
He's a potential abuser and he hasn't bothered to contact you for 30 years yet suddenly needs to meet you and your family. I smell a fish.
I have the same absent father and I know full well the only reason he'd contact me is if he needed one of my kidneys.
If you must see him, get to know him full and well before you even think about introducing him to your children.
Does he have a criminal record?
Can you find out?

Right.
And what about from when you were 18 to 39?
Not like the internet just got invented last year.

I’m sorry, I know that’s blunt, but honestly - you need to stop romanticising your children meeting “their grandad” and get to know this man first.

My biggest first question would be: why now?

YANBU wanting to meet him, however it’s very unlikely your mother is going to tell you what he is like. As you know there appears to be baggage on both sides.

Spend more time with him, has he remarried? What does she say? Then make up your mind

I would have more respect for him if he didn’t go straight into telling you that your mum had affairs. Why couldn’t he leave it at “fault on both sides” whilst he rebuilt a relationship with you? That’s pretty shitty, 20 adult years of not bothering to find you, and the first thing he wants to do is tell you bad things about your mum? Doesn’t matter if they’re true… that should be his focus, should it?

He could have taken your mum to court if he really wanted to see you. You seen to be keen to see him in a good light though so I don’t think anything anyone says will change that as it’s probably easier to believe he was “stopped”

TBF he didn’t @Cocomarine. It was only because I told him about my Mum’s reaction and said I wanted to know why he didn’t have contact with me.

@CountryDumpling

TBF he didn’t *@Cocomarine*. It was only because I told him about my Mum’s reaction and said I wanted to know why he didn’t have contact with me.

No, still didn’t have to tell you about her (supposed) affairs. Her affairs are not the reason that he didn’t see you from age 18-39.

And look, I’m not saying that she didn’t have affairs. I’m not saying that she didn’t leave without telling him, or force him to have a vasectomy. I’m just saying that an emotionally mature man whose primary interest was establishing a relationship with his adult child wouldn’t need to tell you negative things about your mum to do that.

@CountryDumpling

TBF he didn’t *@Cocomarine*. It was only because I told him about my Mum’s reaction and said I wanted to know why he didn’t have contact with me.

It's been 35 YEARS since her affairs. That's not the reason.

@Cocomarine

And look, I’m not saying that she didn’t have affairs. I’m not saying that she didn’t leave without telling him, or force him to have a vasectomy. I’m just saying that an emotionally mature man whose primary interest was establishing a relationship with his adult child wouldn’t need to tell you negative things about your mum to do that.

Totally agree with this

Why did he suddenly get in touch?

I'd also be wary of someone who was potentially abusive. It might be there is more awful stuff your mum won't say. Has he got help go change his behaviour?

Good luck op.

My sisters ex pulled this with my nephew-oh i didnt see you because she stoped me or moved

its bollocks most of the time

Thanks for your reply @CountryDumpling.

So she had at least two affairs, forced him to get a vasectomy and moved away with his beloved daughter without telling him?

Fairly obvious who the abuser is here.

Poor man.

@Nandakanda

Thanks for your reply *@CountryDumpling*.

So she had at least two affairs, forced him to get a vasectomy and moved away with his beloved daughter without telling him?

Fairly obvious who the abuser is here.

Poor man.

@Nandakanda I don’t think phrases like “his beloved daughter” are helpful here. OP needs to be as dispassionate as possible here - impossible though that is.

PLease don't fall into the trap of putting him on a bit of a pedestal - you sound a wee bit too keen to believe he's been hard done to , and maybe he was, but that didn't stop him contacting you for all the years you've been an adult. He's seems very keen to dis your mum, not the attitude of a man keen to have genuine contact with you rather than cause trouble. Please don't rush into having him meet your DC , and I must say I find your ' not real grandad' comments re their stepdad pretty harsh

I’d be interested to know how easy it was to get an NHS vasectomy aged 22 with one biological child of your own, 35 ish years ago.

@Nandakanda

Thanks for your reply *@CountryDumpling*.

So she had at least two affairs, forced him to get a vasectomy and moved away with his beloved daughter without telling him?

Fairly obvious who the abuser is here.

Poor man.

I think allegedly might be in order here

Also interesting that the only poster that you've engaged with is the only one bigging up your dad