School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?



I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

[PinkDaffodil2]

I’ve left my ID badge or my iPhone while working night shifts to borrow various bits of expensive specialist kits from hospital wards while on night shifts as a junior doctor. I’m sure no one thought I was going to steal things, but I could have got distracted or not prioritised taking it back and it’s a good way to make sure you do!

[Peanutsandchilli]

That's a great idea. The school doesn't have the budget to keep replacing headphones that a child has 'conveniently forgotten' to give back. Ingenious. It's hardly humiliating to be asked to take your shoe off.

[RuthW]

I think it's a really good idea. If only we could use the same approach when our patients borrow equipment.

[kitkatsky]

I think this is amazing! 😂 Schools are so underfunded now that losing a cheap pair of headphones stretches them- that's down to state school underfunding btw by the government... I'm sorry DD felt humiliated but they need a way to protect borrowed equipment

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

@BluebellsGreenbells

So YOU didn’t buy headphones and it’s the school who are embarrassing her?

Right …

If it had been on the equipment list at the start of the year then I would have. It wasn't and was only requested on Friday. Yes - its my fault I didn't borrow any over the weekend, I was feeling like shite and forgot. Does that mean its acceptable for the school to humiliate my kid for my mistake? Nope.

[PicturesOfLily]

I have never taken a shoe (wouldn’t really want to touch it!) but I used to take a students tie in return for lending a pen when I got fed up of buying and losing loads. There is usually too much going on at the start and end of a lesson to keep track of who borrowed what but having something which is out of place on the desk, like a shoe or tie, prompted me to return it and get my pen back.

[Peanutsandchilli]

I've just asked my 11 year old how she would feel (she's currently doing the same tests) and she said she wouldn't care if they took her shoe, as long as she got it back at the end of the lesson.

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

@Peanutsandchilli

That's a great idea. The school doesn't have the budget to keep replacing headphones that a child has 'conveniently forgotten' to give back. Ingenious. It's hardly humiliating to be asked to take your shoe off.

In my experience, it actually can be deeply humiliating to some children.

There are loads of reasons that this might be the case - showing who has money vs who hasn't, who has stinky feet, who has sensory issues, ASD, ADHD etc etc... I agree that a large proportion of kids wouldn't blink an eye about this, but equally, once you understand it from an alternative perspective, a lot of children would, and why put them through that when I feel it can be avoided?

[EmeraldShamrock]

It's entertaining and a brilliant idea, if it didn't leave a child with a cold foot.
They should take a phone or bag if they insist on a security measure.

[mumsneedwine]

@PicturesOfLily I don't touch the shoe. It's left at front of the class. They get it back when I get my stuff back. Or they can just not forget stuff. They never seem to forget their phones but a pen seems hard to put into pocket.

[JayAlfredPrufrock]

It can be avoided by having the right equipment

[mumsneedwine]

@Peanutsandchilli they often leave without bag if I do that ! Phone less so, but still do and then I have to reunite them. But shoes are hard to not notice you're missing (mostly). No one has ever complained and kids find it funny. If a bit smelly sometimes 😊

[Porridgealert]

@Percie. It was you that posed the question. I just answered it.
If disorganisation is part of your disability, then you need to have coping strategies to get through a successful life. This is a way to test if your coping strategy is working. Visually impaired people are perfectly capable of remembering headphones so I'd happily take the shoe. Same with a person with mobility problems unless they didn't wear a shoe, in which case I might take a sock. I don't expect disabilities to disappear but I do expect people to remember basic instructions.

[FateHasRedesignedMost]

The school are probably fed up with kids forgetting to return headphones or stealing them.

I think it’s a bit precious to complain when you failed to purchase or buy her a pair of headphones before the exam (having had plenty of notice if you needed to save up or borrow some).

[Mumoblue]

I think some people are being a bit blind to those in different circumstances. Sometimes it’s not possible to just have the things the school want you to have.

[purplesequins]

I think it's genius.
but tbh headphones with speaker cost a fiver. why don't you get a pair for her?

[Porridgealert]

@Dryrobeandnoknickers
and why put them through that when I feel it can be avoided?

It could have been avoided. You could have got her the equipment. But you believed that they'd just give her the equipment so it wasn't urgent for you to remember. Now you know they won't, I bet neither you nor she will forget next time.

[Droite]

Seems a good idea to me. Headphones are just the sort of thing that goes walkabout. If they use the same practice for all pupils, they're not singling your daughter out or saying that she's a thief.

[Porridgealert]

@Mumoblue

I think some people are being a bit blind to those in different circumstances. Sometimes it’s not possible to just have the things the school want you to have.

But she did have means to access them. She just forgot.

[NapoleonOzmolysis]

Brilliant idea.

Dd forgot her tie once and the lady in the office would only lend her a tie in exchange for her phone. Guaranteed to get the tie back

[LostFrog]

We sort of do something similar at our school if kids need to borrow a tie.. they have to swap it for something so that they bring it back. Not a shoe though obvs - that’s a bit weird

[mathanxiety]

I agree with you @Dryrobeandnoknickers

This isn't the way to go about achieving their aim.

[ittakes2]

Sorry I think that's a very clever idea.
You forgot the headphones over the weekend - I am guessing they won't be forgotten again.

[SirenSays]

I don't like this at all, some things are effective but that doesn't mean they're right imo. I know several troubled teenage boys who would kick off and escalate this out of sheer humiliation.

[Percie]

[quote Porridgealert]@Percie. It was you that posed the question. I just answered it.
If disorganisation is part of your disability, then you need to have coping strategies to get through a successful life. This is a way to test if your coping strategy is working. Visually impaired people are perfectly capable of remembering headphones so I'd happily take the shoe. Same with a person with mobility problems unless they didn't wear a shoe, in which case I might take a sock. I don't expect disabilities to disappear but I do expect people to remember basic instructions.[/quote]
I do have strategies but they're not 100%, much depends on stress levels, what's changing around me, etc. Humiliation - and that's what this is to me - does not reduce those stress levels and thus reduces the likelihood that the "lesson" will have the intended impact.

Plus wearing only one shoe will be hugely distracting from the task at hand so I'm not going to do as well as I could were I properly dressed.

I don't expect people with disabilities to disappear but I do expect people to remember basic instructions.

Basic to you, maybe. But if short-notice and out of the ordinary that isn't basic with the way autism effects me.

People with your blasé attitude to what is basic or not for people with disabilities, regardless of what they've told you is difficult, are one the most disabling problems we face in society.