School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?



I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

[WorraLiberty]

I think it's ingenious!

Your DD needs to understand it's not about being a 'thief', it's about forgetting to return them.

And what better way to remember than to find yourself hobbling out with one shoe?

If anything's going to remind you to return them, it'll be that!

[Tigerwhocameforsupper]

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Shoe seems a bit weird. Would make more sense to pass over a homework diary or something similar if they still have those...

Except kids don’t care about not getting their homework diaries back, but they are unlikely to leave the hall without a shoe!

When you replace 15 calculators at £15 each yourself because the school budget can’t cover them you are careful about getting them back. Swapping for a shoe is an effective measure!

[LynetteScavo]

This is actually genius. I would have no issue with the school taking my DCs shoe, unless it was raining and they were likely to have a fire drill.

[Twilight7777]

I don’t see why they can’t get parents to sign somewhere in homework diary when they’ve been returned. Taking a shoe is petty to me, as someone with autism I’d be very upset and feel humiliated

[TrifleCat]

If these headphones are for an access arrangement then the school should be providing them anyway.

In terms of the shoe exchange it’s a decent enough system, I think some of you sound a bit naive -there are many students whose families couldn’t afford /simply wouldn’t care to replace them if they went missing.

[Mumoblue]

YANBU. I get what they’re trying to do but this seems the wrong way to do it. I don’t have a problem with them requiring a student to leave something, but a shoe seems needlessly humiliating.

As a kid who had to borrow a lot of school equipment because my family was poor, I would feel extremely singled out in that position.

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

Thanks for the replies, its actually been helpful to give me a bit more of a balanced view on it.

I agree its a bloody effective way of making sure they all come back but I have to say, I still don't agree with it as a tactic.

I work in a school where I hand out laptops, headphones etc every week. I then count them back in at the end of the lesson before anyone moves on to their next lesson and after several years I have not once lost a set. I would not want any of my students cheesy, sweaty shoes and yeah, the fire alarm situation, while unlikely could happen.

I absolutely understand that many parents can't/won't pay for missing ones and definitely know first hand that schools have sod all money- but if its managed properly then why have they gone missing?

Yeah, totally agree that it's on me that I didn't remember to borrow a set over the weekend. It will help us both remember in future.

To the poster who said that it highlights those who own them vs those who don't - that's exactly why my daughter felt humiliated. The adult using the phrase "so you don't steal them" doesn't sound like they were framing it in a light hearted way but maybe the humour wasn't picked up on by dd.

If I had known that it was something she needed at secondary school in advance of her starting I would have saved up to buy her some but I don't have the luxury of being able to just Amazon Prime some to turn up the next day this month.

[ellyeth]

I think you are most upset because your daughter felt bad about it. You getting annoyed probably reinforced her feeling of embarrassment. Perhaps if you had just laughed, she would have been OK, but, of course, it's difficult to backtrack now.

Maybe if you say you have looked into this and have found that it is something schools and other establishments do, which is it is meant to be light hearted, she will not feel so bad about it.

I think, however, if the invigilator actually said it was to prevent her "stealing" them, that is out of order. Saying it was to prevent her forgetting to hand them in would have been more sensitive.

[careerchangeperhaps]

Are you in the SW? As the same thing happened to my child this week.

[OrangeTortoise]

This honestly wouldn't bother me.

[viques]

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

"in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school.

How about they manage the issue in an adult way rather than taking this silly approach? If they must ask for something, make it a cash deposit.

So you think encouraging kids to have cash in school is a good idea, because of course children who can’t afford their own headphones always have cash lying around at home, and no one ever loses cash either through carelessness or bullying.


They could always paint the schools earphones a particularly grim colour like fluorescent green or orange, but you would still have to be quick to stop them being stuffed inside backpacks .

[HiJenny35]

Really easy solution, don't forget to send them in next time rather than blaming the school for the outcome of your behaviour. Teacher don't want to take phones, keys, money on the grounds of insurance, safety of the item, Child forgets and is locked out of home, states it was a different amount, not broken before etc. What would you like schools to do when endless items are taken and not returned every day. It was your fault, the school was nice enough to supply your child with the item, say thank you and move on.

[libertyfarmboots]

Nah making a kid sit with one shoe is silly, and not in a fun way.

[FrippEnos]

TrifleCat
If these headphones are for an access arrangement then the school should be providing them anyway.

We used to, now we can't afford to replace those that have been
damaged or taken because of the limited budget.

[CyclingIsNotOuting]

@Angel2702

At our school you’d have had an on the spot 45 min detention for not having the correct equipment.

Right? The kid got off light.

[Bonheurdupasse]

It’s actually a really good approach

[Lostmarbles2021]

Could be very humiliating. I think this lacks respect for the students and misunderstands completely how the human brain is wired during adolescence - could be very distressing for some. YANBU IMO

[viques]

@moofolk

It's a shame none of the teachers know how to write or they could take a note of the names of kids they lend headphones to.

So the child walks out of class with your equipment because you are sorting something out with another child and don’t catch them in time. You then have to track that child down ,either in your free period or your lunch break and try to retrieve your equipment, hoping the child doesn’t say, “but I left it on the desk in class miss” , or “someone went down my bag and took it” , or “ I must have put it down when I was having my lunch or something” .

These are teenagers, they often don’t give a stuff about their own possessions, let alone anyone else’s.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

So YOU didn’t buy headphones and it’s the school who are embarrassing her?

Right …

[SoupDragon]

School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

They don't "keep" taking it away, they've done it for one specific reason on one day. In the same way your DD didn't "keep" forgetting headphones.

[SergeiL]

Honestly. Teachers have enough to deal with, without the kids not having the right equipment. My DDs school give out negative behaviour points / detentions if you don’t have what you need for class. My daughter has only ever forgotten her equipment once.

However, they also sent out an equipment list in the summer term before the kids started and also offer a very good value equipment pack with everything they need, including calculator and headphones which would seem to be a sensible idea to me.

[seven201]

Yabu. I've never done it myself but getting all the equipment back in is a mission! I had a class last period of the day and one missing sharp item. Had to search bags, pencil cases etc while everyone saying they need to catch their bus. Found it in the blooming bin! Often found the same thing accidentally in pencil cases too. Kids just chuck things anywhere and it disappears and is unlikely to come back.

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

I'm not blaming anyone, I'm questioning the approach.

The mistake was mine, not my dd's - so why humiliate her?

We were not told at the start of the year that these would be required. Yes I should have tried to borrow some over the weekend but I've been ill. I managed to borrow some on the Monday evening.

I have worked with kids who would have literally thrown a table at me if I asked them for one of their shoes but if I am clear about what I expect and lend them equipment will respond positively to the respect and boundaries I give them.

In my experience they are much more likely to be broken in class then go missing - so like someone else said, what do they do then, keep her shoe?

[CoronaPeroni]

Thread title is clickbait.

[Scabz]

That's brilliant! Totally using this - thanks!