to tell mother in law ENOUGH

[DoingDoingDone]

Loathe to post a MIL bashing thread but sweet Jesus I am completely done.

MIL has always been extremely opinionated. Subscribed to the ‘smile and nod’ way of life when DC were tiny and I was in my early-mid 30s (was nicer then and didn’t feel Too Fucking Old For This Shit)

But these days it’s non stop, from the moment we arrive at hers or she arrives at ours, every sentence beginning with ‘well I never’. And it’s not just about the kids but how DH and I generally live our lives in minute detail. Final straw this week was when she came round and in the space of five minutes (I made a list after she left)said:
I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
I wouldn’t serve that for breakfast DH
I never made my children’s beds
I didn’t let my children go outside till homework done
I wouldn’t allow screens ever full stop (batshit as was said as DS did his homework on one, as set by the teacher)
I never mowed the lawn that often
I never would buy from (local shop)
I didn’t supervise music practice
I didn’t tumble dry uniform

It’s not malicious, not even a bit, and it is kind of her way of making conversation and reminiscing. And generally, she’s a nice person. I’m also no pushover but pretty easy going and water off a Duck’s back for a long time. But I am grumpy and perimenopausal now and just OVER IT.

So tell me, how do I (after 16 years of polite smiles in response to this shit) demonstrate that I have reached MY FUCKING LIMIT without causing ww3?

Try saying “Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has got one”?

Just tune her out. She’s not going to change.
‘Oh really? Gosh!’ And move on.

OP When she says 'I never'... couldn't you just say, well what did you do then?
Every time

I feel for you. I never had a MIL so feel like I might have had a lucky escape.

I think it depends on the kind of relationship you have. Could you explain to her that it really gets you down when she's constantly making these comparisons and that you are peri- menopausal? Make her an ally rather than a competitor.
Obviously if she doesn't respond positively then reduce your contact as much as possible

@Dibble135

Try saying “Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has got one”?

‘…But no one wants yours thrust in their face.’

I suggested mil knew where the door was whenever she started on at me...

I agree with tuning out. In my head I'd probably start a points system; 1 point for every 'Well I never' comment. {grin}
Honestly op, don't let it get to you. If she has been like this for many years, she is never gonna change. Don't take it to heart, but I understand it is very frustrating.

And is it only you she says this to or does she also say it to her son?

MIL, under my roof i/we:
eat that for dinner; serve that for breakfast; make children’s beds; let my children go outside before their homework is done; allow screens; mowed the lawn when it needs it; shop where the fuck I like; supervise music practice and tumble dry uniforms.

If you don't like it, be careful not to let the door hit your arse on your way out.

or, just reply to each comment with Well I DO

DM does both this and "I do such and such".

"Close your shopping trolley over it looks messy." Explain that I do Smart Shop and pack as I go round. I have to explain it 4 times.

"I always put my trolley in the supermarket trolley." I pack as I go round. How do you suggest I get it out again?

"Why do you wash their uniforms every day?" Because they'd stink otherwise.

FFS. Watching with interest.

I’m in camp tune it out. It’s not going to change.

Grey rock. The response is "OK," delivered in deadpan manner as per by Jimmy Perez in Shetland.

On the assumption that it may be a piss-poor but well-meaning attempt on her part to make conversation, and that you generally get on well with her, I would adopt a two-part strategy of

1. sit her down and explain that you would rather she didn't make comparisons between her household and yours. Times have changed, people are different, it is actually quite rude and hurtful to imply that her parenting and life skills are so much better than yours then
2. not engage with any of this at all, not even a smile or a nod. Just completely blank any comparison between what she would or wouldn't do and what you've done. Make polite conversation around other matters but don't reward any of this with attention.

whhhhy do you let this bother you so much op? my mil said I looked like BA Baracus after we'd cooked Sunday lunch last week (I was wearing a small gold necklace), didn't even say it to me just 'she looks like that black man from that awful American programme". I just ignore. dh thinks she's barshit too. I wish we could get on better but it's never going to happen.

Just show her your list:
"look! these are the things you complained about last time you were here."
and get notepad and pen out, gaze intently at her as if ready to make a fresh list.
(joking - I'd do the "that's nice dear" response to show that I wasn't listening - a bit PA though)

I would play a mental game with myself to answer every Well I never with a different letter of the alphabet.

Well I never let my children sit on the good sofa.

• Absolutely not.

Well I never let my children drink vodka martinis before lunch time.

• Blimey.

Well I never used a microwave to make tea.

• Clearly.

Etc.

Tell her, "well things were very different back in the olden days. It's a whole new world now. You're probably too old to understand..."

Start doing it to her about everything she says. Or even better in her house.

Lobelian that is excellent advice

Are you… me?

Every time she says, for example ‘I wouldn’t never feed DS that’ I would go with a ‘oh well, as you can see we do’
It calls her out in it be reinforcing you’re happy with the way you do you’re own shit.

You need this, printed out and framed, in a (several) prominent places throughout the house:

My exMIL told me yesterday I don't need HRT because she never needed it !!!

How often do you see her OP?

I don;t have a MIL, but have other members of OHs family to visit- and it is a test of endurance.
However they only visit once or twice a year and never stay longer tha 3 hours. I can manage to keep a smile on my face for that period of time.
If it is a weekly visit then it would piss me off too.

Could you manage to be out when she comes? I am guessing her main purpose of the visit is to see her son and grandchildren.

Or you could just sit in he corner and drink a lot of gin.

@Stovetopespresso

I hope you ordered her to "quit your jibber jabber, fool"

It would be reasonable for you to tell her that everything she says is negative and it's draining. She's so used to being like she probably doesn't realise she's doing it.

I had to tell my mother that her negativity was getting me down, could she not try to be positive for once. She was a bit offended but got over it and it worked up to a point.