to tell mother in law ENOUGH

[DoingDoingDone]

Loathe to post a MIL bashing thread but sweet Jesus I am completely done.

MIL has always been extremely opinionated. Subscribed to the ‘smile and nod’ way of life when DC were tiny and I was in my early-mid 30s (was nicer then and didn’t feel Too Fucking Old For This Shit)

But these days it’s non stop, from the moment we arrive at hers or she arrives at ours, every sentence beginning with ‘well I never’. And it’s not just about the kids but how DH and I generally live our lives in minute detail. Final straw this week was when she came round and in the space of five minutes (I made a list after she left)said:
I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
I wouldn’t serve that for breakfast DH
I never made my children’s beds
I didn’t let my children go outside till homework done
I wouldn’t allow screens ever full stop (batshit as was said as DS did his homework on one, as set by the teacher)
I never mowed the lawn that often
I never would buy from (local shop)
I didn’t supervise music practice
I didn’t tumble dry uniform

It’s not malicious, not even a bit, and it is kind of her way of making conversation and reminiscing. And generally, she’s a nice person. I’m also no pushover but pretty easy going and water off a Duck’s back for a long time. But I am grumpy and perimenopausal now and just OVER IT.

So tell me, how do I (after 16 years of polite smiles in response to this shit) demonstrate that I have reached MY FUCKING LIMIT without causing ww3?

I have someone in my family who does this. Literally anything I’m doing they have a better way to do it. Except it’s not better, it’s just their way. But as you say, it’s not malicious, just their way of showing love and trying to be helpful. It comes across as incredibly interfering and undermining though and I can only cope with so much of it before it really gets to me. Although I think the person would be genuinely shocked if I explained my perspective on it and how it makes me feel. I’ve tentatively done so in the past and this person is so sensitive and immediately defensive that I’m scared of how it would unfold. So I just try hard to smile and nod while raging in my head! I have got better at not letting it get to me over the years but it’s still such a struggle.

Start to give it back. There must be things she does that you wouldn't do. Let her know.

@Himawarigirl

I have someone in my family who does this. Literally anything I’m doing they have a better way to do it. Except it’s not better, it’s just their way. But as you say, it’s not malicious, just their way of showing love and trying to be helpful. It comes across as incredibly interfering and undermining though and I can only cope with so much of it before it really gets to me. Although I think the person would be genuinely shocked if I explained my perspective on it and how it makes me feel. I’ve tentatively done so in the past and this person is so sensitive and immediately defensive that I’m scared of how it would unfold. So I just try hard to smile and nod while raging in my head! I have got better at not letting it get to me over the years but it’s still such a struggle.

@Himawarigirl I would suggest that the person you mention is not at all sensitive except about their OWN feelings.

It's extraordinary how often it's the case that people who describe themselves sensitive are anything but, when it comes to other people's feelings.

Just arrange to see a lot less of the annoying bitch and when she asks why tell her why.

My mil says there's no need , as in there's no need for the child to have such and such . She calls daily but not me my dh . She has an opinion on everything especially my garden . To the extent that I have let a weed get out of control big because I know it pisses her off . It's totally childish but it gives me some satisfaction

Yes, totally right @CharityDingle they probably wouldn’t even describe themselves as such. But in reality their sensitivity to perceived slight means they get everyone on eggshells around them.

My otherwise lovely MiL had this habit-I just turned it straight back as a negative on her & it would stop it for a while.

I used to respond with 'how sad' or 'what a shame' 'you must have missed out on so much' or 'that's awful' 'isn't it funny how times change' in a neutral tone, and then re direct the conversation else where.

I find it harder dealing with my DM, when I know she is re-writing history. Dsis and I compare notes sometimes to check we aren't the ones misremembering

Aside from the tiresomeness of the constant, low level critiquing she sounds very self-obsessed tbh. Everything you do she can only interpret through the prism of what she would (or did) do.

Gawd, this sounds all too familiar. My MIL is the same. Thankfully I only spend about 5 days a year under one roof with her.

When she starts up this nonsense my standard retort is something like: "Oh well, we all have our own ways of going things, don't we." Or "Thanks but this works perfectly for us." Or. "Yep, interesting how thinking has changed, eh". Then swiftly on to another topic.

Every time she does it, put your head on one side and say "Aww bless"

My MIL sounds similar to yours, she loves to make comparisons between what we do as a family with what she and my FIL used to do when my DH and BIL were growing up. Also with what used to happen when she was a child.

She really is only making conversation, though, not meaning to criticise. It used to irritate me, but I’m used to it by now.

I think i might say something like " do you think you'd do things differently if you could do it all again? " or " really? Why not? "

I wonder if she is feeling wistful or guilty about her choices when her children were young.

Don’t invite her over

Some good advice here! At the moment, I tend to reply assertively but in a friendly tone (and I have taken to being slightly condescending and superior back, just to feel a bit better about myself), for example when she recently said something like “I never let mine have friends to sleep over” I replied:

“Well I like that their friends feel they can come here, and I think it’s such a joy having children in the house and seeing them having a good time together’
(do I fuck )

However, it’s not stopping the constant barrage of remarks, so I can only conclude she enjoys this sort of chat and/or has a very thick skin.

That said, she has form for storming off in tears when told she is doing something someone doesn’t like, and I cannot bear this so don’t really want to try the honest approach

It sounds like habitual speech, rather than malicious as you say she is mostly nice. Therefore, you need a circuit breaker that gets her to think about what she is saying.

Either "Why?" or "What do you mean" to get her to expand on it.
Alternatively (if she is passing comment on your cleanliness, for example), "What are you implying?".

The nuclear option is to sit down, point out how many times she is saying it and that it's upsetting you. Better to plan and do it diplomatically rather than explode at a stressful moment.

It’s not malicious, not even a bit, and it is kind of her way of making conversation and reminiscing. And generally, she’s a nice person

You have to focus on this. My MIL can be similar. Usually comparing my children to my DH as a child. ‘David always ate everything I gave him” “David never gave me any trouble sleeping” “I always ironed David’s uniform”. I resolve not to take it personally. I know
She loves me and the grandchildren! So
I just reply like she’s a random chatty lady at the bus stop. “Oh really? Hmm mmm. Oh yes that’s what it was like in those days”

My DDad is so annoyingly self absorbed, that conversations go like this :

Dad: Blah, blah, weather, what he has been doing.
Me: DS1 had to go for a PCR test, because he's coughing.
Dad: My hay-fever makes me cough (no interest in DS's welfare).

Me: DS2 has broken his wrist.
Dad: My shoulder is a bit sore where I bumped it last week.

Me: DSister is really busy with work and their house move.
Dad: I have had a busy day, I went to the co-op etc.....

It's very odd, but I don't think I can change him.

'You're entitled to express an opinion on anything, nuclear power, climate change, the England front row, anything. Just don't expect everyone to take any notice'.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Grey rock. The response is "OK," delivered in deadpan manner as per by Jimmy Perez in Shetland.

Oh I do wish they would make some more Shetlands! Can you MIL be encouraged to pester the TV companies instead?

Just “oh really?” every comment in a bored tone. Every single time.

@waybill

Teach your dc to ask her questions beginning with the words:

"In the olden days Nanny, how did you...........?"

This chuckled me

@ravenmum

"Quit your jibber jabber, fool" is brilliant in any situation of this kind :)

Her - I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
You - No, you wouldn't, would you?

Her - I never made my children’s beds
You - No, that wouldn't be like you at all.

Her - I never mowed the lawn that often
You - I can just imagine.

Her - I didn’t supervise music practice
You - I thought as much.

Much more annoying to say 'Really' every time.

Just say "how odd, it's amazing how much things have changed nowadays " or "luckily everyone can make our own decisions about that" and give a little laugh.

My responses would be:

I wouldn’t eat that for dinner -I like it-strange how we all like different things (head tilt)
I wouldn’t serve that for breakfast DH- as above
I never made my children’s beds - I prefer my house tidier that you I suppose
I didn’t let my children go outside till homework done-Studies have shown fresh air and a break makes learning from the homework easier

I wouldn’t allow screens ever full stop (batshit as was said as DS did his homework on one, as set by the teacher)- yes time has moved on since the 60s
I never mowed the lawn that often- I have high standards in lawn keeping
I never would buy from (local shop)- supporting local business is more environmentally friendly and better for society
I didn’t supervise music practice - I love watching my kids play, time like this is precious
I didn’t tumble dry uniform- I find it gets the creases out so less ironing, ironing is for mugs

I'd just say "back in the good 'ole days eh?" And wink.
Every
Single
Time