to tell mother in law ENOUGH

[DoingDoingDone]

Loathe to post a MIL bashing thread but sweet Jesus I am completely done.

MIL has always been extremely opinionated. Subscribed to the ‘smile and nod’ way of life when DC were tiny and I was in my early-mid 30s (was nicer then and didn’t feel Too Fucking Old For This Shit)

But these days it’s non stop, from the moment we arrive at hers or she arrives at ours, every sentence beginning with ‘well I never’. And it’s not just about the kids but how DH and I generally live our lives in minute detail. Final straw this week was when she came round and in the space of five minutes (I made a list after she left)said:
I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
I wouldn’t serve that for breakfast DH
I never made my children’s beds
I didn’t let my children go outside till homework done
I wouldn’t allow screens ever full stop (batshit as was said as DS did his homework on one, as set by the teacher)
I never mowed the lawn that often
I never would buy from (local shop)
I didn’t supervise music practice
I didn’t tumble dry uniform

It’s not malicious, not even a bit, and it is kind of her way of making conversation and reminiscing. And generally, she’s a nice person. I’m also no pushover but pretty easy going and water off a Duck’s back for a long time. But I am grumpy and perimenopausal now and just OVER IT.

So tell me, how do I (after 16 years of polite smiles in response to this shit) demonstrate that I have reached MY FUCKING LIMIT without causing ww3?

A simple "you had your way and i have mine, so lets agree to disagree* to start with, then if she doesn't listen give her hell.

Try “ what would you do” reply each time- she probably doesn’t realise what she is saying and how often

It’s not malicious, not even a bit, and it is kind of her way of making conversation and reminiscing. And generally, she’s a nice person

Concentrate on holding onto this.
You can't, after 16 years, let her know that her way of being gets on your tits without causing massive offence and making all your future interactions extremely uncomfortable and awkward.

Or you could say as another mumsnetter does, "There We Are Then" Every single time!

If you're fond of her and don't think she's doing it maliciously...say pleasantly "Isn't it funny how different people do things differently". Every single time.

[quote RickJames]@Stovetopespresso

I hope you ordered her to "quit your jibber jabber, fool" [/quote]
Best reply ever

Maybe you could do what I did when we had FiL with dementia staying with us. I’m not the most patient person in the world, but the slightest show of irritation was likely to provoke a seriously frightening, violent rage.

So when he was asking the same question over and over and over (I once counted 35 times in one hour) I somehow managed to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely, but mechanically.

It was honestly a case of that or a carving knife, before we finally found a care home for him.

@Goldbar

If you're fond of her and don't think she's doing it maliciously...say pleasantly "Isn't it funny how different people do things differently". Every single time.

I agree with this. Find a pleasant, anodyne response and she might realise that is all she is getting. 'Funny how things change, isn't it' then move the conversation on.

As you have said, it may be intended as an attempt at conversation.

"I know - it is amazing how times have changed..." / "I know - well it works for us and everyone seems happy this way" and then move the conversation on.

She is probably trying to reminisce / make conversation. My Granny used to do this to my mother ALL THE TIME. We would spend the week running up to their visit predicting how long until they started and what they would pick on. If it was during a meal, we would all have a mental tally - think of it like bingo. It makes it more amusing when it is an in joke.

@Lobelian

I would play a mental game with myself to answer every Well I never with a different letter of the alphabet.

Well I never let my children sit on the good sofa.

• Absolutely not.

Well I never let my children drink vodka martinis before lunch time.

• Blimey.

Well I never used a microwave to make tea.

• Clearly.

Etc.

I love this

Thanks all and in answer to the question about whether she does it to DH, yes she does! I’m happy at least that it’s not just me.

It’s kind of hilarious how she manages to shoehorn ‘I never did that’ into every interaction. What is that about? Why do they do it? My mother has her own weird issues, but she never involved herself in the minutiae of mine and DHs lives!

FIL is another story, useless bastard that he is, so don’t think he’s off the hook ;) because he is male

You could ask her to stop
Or say well everyone's different and we all like to do things our own way
Or say I'm happy with my choices thanks
Or let her go on, when she finishes, look blankly at her, pause for a second then say erm, it's about half three I think
Ok maybe not that one 😁

I'd go with "Didn't you?" or "Wouldn't you?" when she comes out with "I never did that".

Her - I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
You - Wouldn't you?

Her - I wouldn’t serve that for breakfast DH
You - Wouldn't you?

Her - I never made my children’s beds
You - Didn't you?

Her - I didn’t let my children go outside till homework done
You - Didn't you?

Her - I wouldn’t allow screens ever full stop (batshit as was said as DS did his homework on one, as set by the teacher)
You - Wouldn't you?

Her - I never mowed the lawn that often
You - Didn't you?

You get the idea. The key thing though is to change the topic of conversation immediately after you say "Didn't you" or "Wouldn't you".

Teach your dc to ask her questions beginning with the words:

"In the olden days Nanny, how did you...........?"

It does sound as though she is just making conversation, in her own limited way. Could you follow the advice ofobladeeohblahdoe and say to her first off that it is getting to you, and could she change tack? Then if that doesn't work, do the grey rock techniques suggested on here. If it is not malicious, give her a chance to alter by telling her how it affects you first.

I'd have a song list on a loop in the background, with things like Never Gonna Give you UP, 12th of Never, Never can say Goodbye, Never Say Never by Justin B and so on.. and sneakily turn the volume up when she says it.
It probably won't make any difference, but It might make you laugh about it a bit more.

@Lasttimeneveragain

Start doing it to her about everything she says. Or even better in her house.

^ that!

My MIL's refrain is "It's a worry..."

I have made it into a game. Before we arrive we make bets how many times she'll say it. Closest answer gets a chocolate bar from the patrol station on the way home.

With another relative there's a whole list of negatives she trots out every visit so we play Silent Bingo with them. First one to spot all the ones they claimed says a sentence with the word House in it to indicate we claim the win.

It's daftness like this that makes the repetitive negativity much easier to tolerate.

"Quit your jibber jabber, fool" is brilliant in any situation of this kind :)

Her - I wouldn’t eat that for dinner
You - No, you wouldn't, would you?

Her - I never made my children’s beds
You - No, that wouldn't be like you at all.

Her - I never mowed the lawn that often
You - I can just imagine.

Her - I didn’t supervise music practice
You - I thought as much.

I would ask her to try and stop doing it. I'd say it is affecting your relationship as she seems to be constantly criticising and ask her to stop the "well I never"s and maybe bite her tongue when she hears herself starting to come out with another. I'd probably just say "well I never"!" each time she said it after that. In the short term she will dislike it but it may improve the relationship in the long term and make her realise how often she is criticising you.

To be fair, 'I never ..' feels like expressing an opinion. I know that can get wearing and you might perceive criticism or know when it's not the case but I'd see that as making conversation which you could steer. If FIL has passed then ask about his time at school or what he did with your DP, what she fed her DC at different ages and so on. 'I never' feels better than 'You should, you shouldn't' instructions and criticism.

My boys used to say 'yes grandma but that was in the olden days' if she did the comparison thing. I just ignored it and talked about something else.

I think I said ‘Well, weren’t you silly?’ quite a lot. After many, many years, I think I sat her down and said ‘You know all those decisions you made when you got pregnant aged 17, and then again aged 18 and then again aged 20, so that (as you continually tell us, as if it were a matter of pride) you had two small children and an asthmatic baby by your 21st birthday and had no means of supporting them and were living in two damp rooms over a shop? I don’t think those were good decisions, either. and as you probably wouldn’t like to hear my detailed thoughts on those, or why you kept on having children you couldn’t afford to a total of seven, perhaps it’s best you stop giving me your unsolicited opinion on my decision to have one child and work FT? That way we won’t fall out.’

What do you say? I'd say something like 'yes, we all do things differently don't we' or 'wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same'.

If you reply with the same thing every time I imagine she'll soon get the hint that her comments are tiresome.

I would answer everytime with "We're all different", if you use the same phrase every single time she might eventually realise what she's doing.