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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being a selfish arse about DDad

83 replies

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 05:42

My Dad has just come home from bowel cancer surgery, where he has a temporary stoma. He is single, but my brother stays with him semi permanently. My brother is pretty useless so although he provides the company he offers very little practical help.

Whilst dad was in hospital his washing machine broke, I told dad this and he said he has a service plan insurance cover for it he will contact when he gets home.

So he gets home Monday, I see him monday. machine not working, service plan are crooks essentially and have to jump through a few hoops first so still waiting for repair. I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday so couldn't see him. Meanwhile dad had a problem with his stoma Tuesday night so had to change his bedsheets Wednesday morning and put the sheets in the basket ready to wash (he told me this over the phone)

I'm due to see him today (Thursday) but yesterday was explaining this problem to DH mainly really talking about the service plan crooks, how he's not got a working machine etc etc

DH was relatively sympathetic about the service plan crooks, but in the same breath said 1) Can't believe he paid 175 for a service plan on a 200 machine (agreed). 2)
he'd be better off just buying a new machine online as these crooks will take forever (agreed). 3) "I don't want his shitty sheets in my washing machine if that's what he's waiting for" .... I was stunned.

I would OFFER to do his DM washing if it was me
Yeh I get it's not nice having any faeces in your washing machine but seriously?

OP posts:

Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 05:50

Honestly op

How can you love a man like this
I have never met him
And on the basis of that comment about your poor I’ll father

I can’t stand him

Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 05:52

As a aside
Might be an idea to buy a few fairly cheap bedding sets to help you and your dad through this period

Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 05:53

Ask yourself

What would your dh be like of YOU ever get an illness which involves bodily mess

My guess?

He’d be disgusted and hopeless

Goatinthegarden · 23/09/2021 06:27

How horrible.

My DH is very squeamish about bodily fluids, and would probably freak out internally at the idea of the sheets in his washing machine…but he wouldn’t dare say anything so cruel about someone who has just been through a huge medical ordeal.

DH isn’t an arsehole though, so he’d have probably gone round whilst I was at work, to see if he could fix the old machine, install a new one, or even just take round some fresh bedsheets.

Does your DH ever do anything to help? Or does he just like to make unhelpful and rude comments?

Newhorizon21 · 23/09/2021 06:28

Perhaps your dad could buy some incontinence bed pads/sheet protectors while he gets used to managing his stoma

Glssr195726113493 · 23/09/2021 06:34

That is genuinely appalling. How can you stand to be around him?

As a PP said above, he’d be disgusted and useless and entirely selfish were you ever to get sick.

Show him this thread.

Tiramiwho · 23/09/2021 06:47

This is really nasty and hurtful. I would be gutted if my DH (or anyone I know at all ) referenced anything like this and would struggle to get past this. Imagine how your father would feel if he knew?
Completely useless practical comments too.
What a twat, sorry.
Let's hope in your DH's future he doesn't need anyone to clean his own sheets.

Auroreforet · 23/09/2021 06:54

I assume you told your dh what a selfish, heartless remark that was.
On the plus side if its 'his' washing machine then he can do the washing.

sandgrown · 23/09/2021 06:58

My elder children had real nappies so after soaking they went in the machine . What’s the difference? I hope your DH is never in that position. How selfish .

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 23/09/2021 07:03

Well I was thinking the same thing about the service plan and buying a new washing machine

The comment about bit wanting the sheets in your machine is just awful though. Ask him what should be done then? What's his suggestion?
Also 2 days of poop on sheets...maybe they should be discarded now and replaced?
I'm sorry for your dad

Bagelsandbrie · 23/09/2021 07:07

Very nasty and hurtful. My ex said similar things about my Mum who had bowel cancer and Crohn’s disease. It was one of the reasons we split up eventually.

As a side note I’d buy some cheap bedding sets from asda so if things are really badly soiled you can just chuck them for now.

bigbaggyeyes · 23/09/2021 07:14

Wow let's hope your dh doesn't ever need care of any sort in his old age. What an awful thing to say.

Tbh op I'd go round and get your df washing and do it regardless of what your dh said

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 23/09/2021 07:14

Maybe explain to him what a washing machine does, it cleans the clothes and also the machine itself whilst it washes the clothes. Stick some dettol laundry in there when washing anything with bodily fluids on.

Your Dh is an arse. I would worry how he would treat you if you ended up with a stoma.

ANameChangeAgain · 23/09/2021 07:17

It depends on how he is usually.
This attitude for soiled clothing / bedding isn't that usual. I wouldn't have put anything soiled into a machine without rinsing first because of the (probably irrational) worry some will retain in the reservoir or filters. I know a couple of people with dirty jobs (farmers) whose overalls, which are daily covered in every bodily fluid, go into a separate washing machine to the family washing machine.
For now, chuck his old bedsheets.

Gorl · 23/09/2021 07:20

Yanbu, that’s absolutely horrendous. What an uncaring arsehole.

custardbear · 23/09/2021 07:31

That's really horrible.

Ref washing machine repair, donyou have the app Nextdoor? Ask locals about decent repair men/women in the area - I had a tumble dryer problem the other day, bra wire! Local guy fixed it in half hour abs charged me £15

TheWitchersWife · 23/09/2021 07:33

Absolutely disgusting.
My DH is a cleaner so has seen it all really. But I know he would do anything for the people I love, including stripping and washing dirty bedding.
He's done it for our DC when they've been sick of had a nappy explosion during the night. And I 100% know he would do it for me if I ever needed it.

BrendaBubbles · 23/09/2021 07:35

It’s a bit of a mean comment to say but it was off the cuff and there is some basis to it if people on here won’t even eat some wrapped cereal bars that were kept briefly in a bin

thelastgoldeneagle · 23/09/2021 07:36

And your brother needs to step up. He's an adult, he lives with your dad, he should be sorting out the damn washing machine.

Best wishes to your dad 💐

saraclara · 23/09/2021 07:36

My late DH died of bowel cancer. He had a stoma throughout his illness.

Your DH is is a total dick, and I'd actually want to punch him if I was anywhere near him.

Cocomarine · 23/09/2021 07:38

Your dad was in hospital having vowel surgery and during that time his washing machine broke.

During that time, for a £175 machine, neither you nor your brother decided that the right thing to do was not to bother your dad with it at all, but get it fixed - or replaced with a new or second hand one?

Or at the very least, asked him where the service plan details were so that one of you could start the ball rolling on that?

Bloody hell.

starrynight21 · 23/09/2021 07:45

That's horrible. My DH would rush out and buy my Dad a new washing machine.

Beautiful3 · 23/09/2021 07:57

How horrible. Wash his sheets and help him buy a new machine. All the best for your dad

Username817391920384747 · 23/09/2021 08:09

That’s an awful thing to say considering the circumstances. I would pull him up on it.

Original poster

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 08:11

Wow okay

So as.soon as we realised it was broken we considered buying a new one (we being me and brother) , but when we spoke to DDad about this he said no he paid for a service plan he wants to use it but couldn't remember where the paperwork was and to wait until he come back. He/we didn't expect to have to jump through so many hoops to get it repaired through this service plan. I suggested to DDad yesterday we buy a new one can get it delivered next day etc but he won't hear any of it

OP posts:

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