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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being a selfish arse about DDad

83 replies

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 05:42

My Dad has just come home from bowel cancer surgery, where he has a temporary stoma. He is single, but my brother stays with him semi permanently. My brother is pretty useless so although he provides the company he offers very little practical help.

Whilst dad was in hospital his washing machine broke, I told dad this and he said he has a service plan insurance cover for it he will contact when he gets home.

So he gets home Monday, I see him monday. machine not working, service plan are crooks essentially and have to jump through a few hoops first so still waiting for repair. I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday so couldn't see him. Meanwhile dad had a problem with his stoma Tuesday night so had to change his bedsheets Wednesday morning and put the sheets in the basket ready to wash (he told me this over the phone)

I'm due to see him today (Thursday) but yesterday was explaining this problem to DH mainly really talking about the service plan crooks, how he's not got a working machine etc etc

DH was relatively sympathetic about the service plan crooks, but in the same breath said 1) Can't believe he paid 175 for a service plan on a 200 machine (agreed). 2)
he'd be better off just buying a new machine online as these crooks will take forever (agreed). 3) "I don't want his shitty sheets in my washing machine if that's what he's waiting for" .... I was stunned.

I would OFFER to do his DM washing if it was me
Yeh I get it's not nice having any faeces in your washing machine but seriously?

OP posts:

Graphista · 23/09/2021 10:48

Where on EARTH is the post stoma support plan in all this?

That should have been sorted before he even left the hospital. Your father, brother and yourself should have been told about preparations and equipment including disposable bed sheets and mattress protectors.

It's been a while since I was in elderly care inc stoma care but has it really deteriorated so badly?

It's absolutely crucial that the stoma is cared for thoroughly and hygienically a working washer is vital to this among other things.

The care plan for the washer is not worth faffing with he needs a working washer now.

Is your brother helping to change/clean the stoma? I very much doubt your father is up to doing so properly himself

I find this shocking!

Get a new washer ASAP, get onto your stoma care hcp via gp ASAP too and get all the equipment and materials that are necessary sorted (disposable sheets, gloves, aprons, cleaning wipes, solutions, spare stoma parts of various types and sizes...)

There is a very specific way this is all supposed to be handled especially important to keep it and your father free of infection and wound deterioration) and nobody seems to have advised you!

I'm absolutely appalled on your fathers behalf this is disgraceful!

@anonymousanne have things really got THIS bad?! What the hell?!

Personally I would advise trying to get as much of the solid matter off the bedding before washing in machine simply because modern washers are so crap and easily get blocked!!

I'm just stunned at the set of circumstances here and nobody seems to be taking sensible charge of what needs to be done. 4 adults plus the nhs staff involved and nobody seems to have a grip!

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 23/09/2021 10:51

Maybe double sheet the bed - waterproof layer then sheet, then water proof layer then sheet. So if there’s an accident only the sheet needs cleaning, not the mattress and there’s a clean sheet already in the bed so your dad can get back to sleep without having to change the bed.

grapewine · 23/09/2021 10:52

Well, he's a keeper, isn't he?

It's a washing machine. It's there to clean things. Fucking hell, I'd struggle to care about a man with so little empathy for an elderly and ill relative.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 10:58

@Graphista. This is one single leak. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that there's a general problem or that things are not in place that should be.

Is your brother helping to change/clean the stoma? I very much doubt your father is up to doing so properly himself

Why? My late DH wasn't discharged from hospital until he'd demonstrated that he could deal with his stoma. I dislike the way that so many posters have decided that OP's DF is incompetent in some way.

User198724 · 23/09/2021 10:58

I hope your dad is doing ok Op. Having a stoma can be confronting for everyone, unfortunately part of this is that there may be issues, especially if your dad was to lay on it or disconnect the bag through the night.
I hope your dad is doing ok and that the washing machine gets sorted soon.
My DP and I did the lesson with the nurses on changing the stoma for my DF and we both would help routinely help. It wasn’t pleasant but we both never thought twice.

User198724 · 23/09/2021 10:59

Also, get a good mattress protector, the alternative is not fun!

Smashingspinster · 23/09/2021 11:11

Kind of makes me hope your DH shits himself regularly for a while.

Graphista · 23/09/2021 11:20

@saraclara yes leaks happen with stomas but that's precisely why they should have been properly prepared and furnished with the appropriate equipment to minimise the damage/distress.

No the df is not incompetent but he is ill and doesn't seem to be making rational decisions in his best health interests

Someone has to take responsibility here.

Because as I'm sure you know there can be serious consequences if this isn't managed correctly.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 11:29

No the df is not incompetent but he is ill and doesn't seem to be making rational decisions in his best health interests

What irrational health decision has he made? He simply said that he would contact the insurers when he got home. Perfectly reasonable. Of course he wasn't to know that they'd be slow off the mark.

Chloemol · 23/09/2021 11:40

What a nasty thing for your dh to say

Just do the washing for your father, and if your dh kicks off I would tell him to leave

What’s going to happen if something like this happens to you?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/09/2021 11:40

My grandad has terminal bowel cancer. What your dh said makes me feel sick , awful man.

His bodily fluids wouldn't be coming near me again

Yaya26 · 23/09/2021 11:53

OMG. My mum had bowel cancer. Unfortunately it took her. Believe me it's bloody hard but you quickly get over any squeamishness when someone you love needs cared for.

Your Dad needs a huge amount amount of support and care. Having a stoma takes a lot of adjustment.

My DH is definitely not in line for a sainthood but he would never say anything as low as that. If he did he'd bitterly regret it. What an a absolute dick.

Why are you and your brother not looking after your Dad and sorting out problems like this? He is recovering from an operation and he doesn't need this hassle. Buy a machine. Help your Dad preserve his dignity.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 11:55

Buy a machine. Help your Dad preserve his dignity.

How about preserving dad's dignity by letting him make his own decisions? By all means OP can offer support, but taking over his life and his decisions is not the way to preserve someone's dignity.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 11:56

@CandyFair how old is your dad?

Generallystruggling · 23/09/2021 11:57

Wow, that’s horrible. My DH has IBS and once had an accident when he couldn’t reach a toilet on time, this was only about 2 months after we’d met and I washed his undies and trousers for him without question. It’s just part of being a caring human being really, your DH doesn’t sound like one at all.

Original poster

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 11:58

I think there's a mixed message here that DDad was asking me to wash them (he wasn't) and that I had asked DH if I could wash them (I hadn't)

DH made that remark on the assumption of these events happening, and a delay in repair, that I assume he thinks my Dad's next breath would be - could you wash them for me, or my next breath would be can I wash them for him. Which, of course , I would have done, but I told him to bin it and I would buy some new sheets and bring some inco sheets with me when I come over.

The AIBU was about the cold remark.from DH, showing a complete lack of empathy. Because I assume he feels he should just buy a washing machine and get it delivered next day instead of faffing around with this clearly shit insurance.

Which is right, but DDad wants to pursue the insurance he has paid for, and like PP have said, he's got cancer but has capacity to make decisions about his own possessions

He was sent home with knowledge of how to change the stoma
And has stoma nurse appt on Monday

I think he can manage the stoma okay, but night time that particular night has caused an issue

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 12:01

[quote saraclara]@CandyFair how old is your dad?[/quote]
He's 69

OP posts:

countrygirl99 · 23/09/2021 12:05

Get red laundry bags for your dad.
Tell DH to take his stuff to the launderette if he's going to be such a knob.
Tell DB to grow up and get stuck in to helping.

Yaya26 · 23/09/2021 12:06

@saraclara

Buy a machine. Help your Dad preserve his dignity.

How about preserving dad's dignity by letting him make his own decisions? By all means OP can offer support, but taking over his life and his decisions is not the way to preserve someone's dignity.

@saraclara

Sorting out a washing machine that he needs urgently to wash his clothing and bedding is not taking over his life. It's helping him out with a problem he prob doesn't have the strength or energy to deal with at the moment.

Original poster

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 12:07

@User198724

I hope your dad is doing ok Op. Having a stoma can be confronting for everyone, unfortunately part of this is that there may be issues, especially if your dad was to lay on it or disconnect the bag through the night. I hope your dad is doing ok and that the washing machine gets sorted soon. My DP and I did the lesson with the nurses on changing the stoma for my DF and we both would help routinely help. It wasn’t pleasant but we both never thought twice.

I definitely would have attended this to see for myself but unfortunately he was in a green ward free.of.covid and wasn't allowed visitors, I dropped him for operation and didn't see him again until I was allowed to pick him up 10 days later

OP posts:

Djifunrsn · 23/09/2021 12:18

This is going to sound harsh, but I think your dh is right.

Those insurances are always essentially scams with too many hoops to jump through and too much waiting time to be of any value. Your dad, since you say he has capacity, really needs to accept this. It is wicked, but that is the society that we live in and none of us can escape this legalised trickery. There is far more of it about than this particular situation.

The solution is obviously to cancel the insurance and get a functioning washer on next day delivery. If your dad is unwilling to consider that, then no, your dh should not have to have shitty sheets in his washer.

The other solution is to throw away the sheets, if they are just supermarket cheapies.

I understand the trauma of the cancer and the surgeries. I've been through it with my mum, MIL and FIL, two of whom have now died. Today my mum went to oncology (city centre) and there are 3 "urgent high priority parking spaces" for the service she was accessing (very sick patients - mum is terminal). Being used by nearby builders. Another wicked reality that you have to face is that society does not care about people with cancer. They'll still con you and take the things that you are entitled to and need.

The reality is that he needs to pay for a next day delivery. If he won't accept this, then he needs to accept the consequences. Not your dh.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 12:20

@Yaya26 you ASK a parent if they would like you to do that. You don't just take control from them. He chose that washer, it's his, and if it's replaced he'll want to choose his own.

If he is happy for her to do that, fine. But he was asked what he wanted doing about the washer and he made his own decision.

saraclara · 23/09/2021 12:24

I've just seen that he's 69. Four years older than me.
I'm not about to relinquish control over my decisions, and I'm sure he isn't either.

OP, you're doing fine. Hopefully the repair will be done soon. Ridiculous to buy a new washer when it could be a simple repair.

Your DH is being an arse, obviously. Either over rule him and bring the sheets home, or maybe there's a launderette nearby that your brother could take them to?

User198724 · 23/09/2021 12:34

What a stressful time for you and your family, I can’t imagine how hard it’s been on your dad and yourself having an operation and not having visitors.
I think the comment was uncalled for, especially when you have so much going on already. I guess it boils down to if this was a once off or a personality trait.
From my experience the stoma can be really tricky, if your dad has only had one issue it sounds like he is doing amazing. Best wishes to you and your family, I hope everything goes well with your dad

Theunamedcat · 23/09/2021 12:35

Sounds like he (dad) is of the generation where people were less wasteful which needs to be encouraged

Make sure he has rinced them before he leaves them lying around or it could make a stinky mess

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