Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being a selfish arse about DDad

83 replies

CandyFair · 23/09/2021 05:42

My Dad has just come home from bowel cancer surgery, where he has a temporary stoma. He is single, but my brother stays with him semi permanently. My brother is pretty useless so although he provides the company he offers very little practical help.

Whilst dad was in hospital his washing machine broke, I told dad this and he said he has a service plan insurance cover for it he will contact when he gets home.

So he gets home Monday, I see him monday. machine not working, service plan are crooks essentially and have to jump through a few hoops first so still waiting for repair. I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday so couldn't see him. Meanwhile dad had a problem with his stoma Tuesday night so had to change his bedsheets Wednesday morning and put the sheets in the basket ready to wash (he told me this over the phone)

I'm due to see him today (Thursday) but yesterday was explaining this problem to DH mainly really talking about the service plan crooks, how he's not got a working machine etc etc

DH was relatively sympathetic about the service plan crooks, but in the same breath said 1) Can't believe he paid 175 for a service plan on a 200 machine (agreed). 2)
he'd be better off just buying a new machine online as these crooks will take forever (agreed). 3) "I don't want his shitty sheets in my washing machine if that's what he's waiting for" .... I was stunned.

I would OFFER to do his DM washing if it was me
Yeh I get it's not nice having any faeces in your washing machine but seriously?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 08:41

@Cocomarine

Your dad was in hospital having vowel surgery and during that time his washing machine broke.

During that time, for a £175 machine, neither you nor your brother decided that the right thing to do was not to bother your dad with it at all, but get it fixed - or replaced with a new or second hand one?

Or at the very least, asked him where the service plan details were so that one of you could start the ball rolling on that?

Bloody hell.

I have to say that I agree with this post. Your dad probably doesn't have the mental energy to be arguing with companies like this and why should he.
knittingaddict · 23/09/2021 08:43

What company is the service plan with. I had one when we had a washer dryer as it was always breaking down and they always came very quickly after one phone call. What obstacles are they putting in his way? Could you phone up for him?

Iwonder08 · 23/09/2021 08:49

Well, the way he phrased was incentive but you are unreasonable. In this situation the soiled sheets should be discarded and the new cheap sets should be bought to help through this period. If you feel so strongly about helping your dad then go and buy him the new sheets and the washing machine and don't take it on your spouse. Also I don't understand the double standards..your brother who is there has zero expectations to help and you expect your husband to deal with bodily fluids?

Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 08:56

@Iwonder08

Well, the way he phrased was incentive but you are unreasonable. In this situation the soiled sheets should be discarded and the new cheap sets should be bought to help through this period. If you feel so strongly about helping your dad then go and buy him the new sheets and the washing machine and don't take it on your spouse. Also I don't understand the double standards..your brother who is there has zero expectations to help and you expect your husband to deal with bodily fluids?
The op isn’t asking the dh to get involved with bodily fluid
Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 08:57

How old is your father

Is he vulnerable

This could be a case of being sold Miss old something

Might be worth looking in to this further

Saladovercrispsanyday · 23/09/2021 08:58

And don’t underplay your brothers involvement

Living semi permanently with him and keeping him company is absolutely critical at this time

anonymousanne · 23/09/2021 09:06

You DH is an arsehole!
I'm sure your father is struggling with all sorts of emotions, having a stoma fitted is a major thing. It's not nice to have to tell someone you messed the sheets or ask for help with such personal cares/matters. It's a real challenging getting used to a stoma and managing it (I haven't got one but I'm a nurse). Where is you 'D'Hs empathy?? Wash the sheets, get your dad a new washing machines and get yourself a better husband!

Marmelace · 23/09/2021 09:11

Your DH does sound a bit of an arse but maybe he expressed himself through revulsion, my mams the same over anything like that. On another note would it be beyond the realms of possibility for your brother and you to get him either a 2nd hand machine or a new cheap one, save all the faffing around.

anonymousanne · 23/09/2021 09:15

@Iwonder08

Well, the way he phrased was incentive but you are unreasonable. In this situation the soiled sheets should be discarded and the new cheap sets should be bought to help through this period. If you feel so strongly about helping your dad then go and buy him the new sheets and the washing machine and don't take it on your spouse. Also I don't understand the double standards..your brother who is there has zero expectations to help and you expect your husband to deal with bodily fluids?
Buying new sheets is unreasonable and unrealistic! Stomas can unfortunately leak often on a night even when you have had time to adapt to using them. I have two kids who have soiled clothing on occasion with wee, poo, vomit, blood, do I discard everything? Of course not, I bung it in the washing machine! Some disposable inco sheets may help though OP to reduce the mess on the sheets
anonymousanne · 23/09/2021 09:19

@Marmelace

Your DH does sound a bit of an arse but maybe he expressed himself through revulsion, my mams the same over anything like that. On another note would it be beyond the realms of possibility for your brother and you to get him either a 2nd hand machine or a new cheap one, save all the faffing around.
What?? Revulsion at a loved ones bodily fluids when they have been through a traumatic illness and surgery? This could happen to anyone of us! Including your mother... who would then be at the mercy of other peoples empathy and respect to help her maintain her dignity. I'm sure the person that feels the worst about this situation, and the most embarrassed, is OPs poor father
SirChenjins · 23/09/2021 09:19

That was a pretty horrible thing for your DH to have said....even if you find the idea of having someone's soiled sheets in your washing machine not nice I can't imagine saying something like that about my DH's FIL.

I would just buy some new sheets, throw out the old ones and either just do any future washing straight away or go halves with your brother on a replacement (new or second hand) and ignore your Dad's wishes about the service plan - you could still be waiting on the company honouring this weeks from now). I hope your DH has apologised for his poor turn of phrase?

Nietzschethehiker · 23/09/2021 09:19

See this is why I have very little time for the group of people who are so squeamish over any form of dirt that they think it is a laudable behaviour trait (well evidenced by the above poster who usefully thought that crude degrading language was appropriate here ). I genuinely get the creeps when you come across someone who twitters about how they are so terribly clean (actual hygiene triggered OCD diagnosed excepted ), who in hell wants to end their days being proud of how clean their washing machine or cupboards are and nothing else? What a pathetically small existence.

Both DP and I have been in Social Care for a long time so this attitude makes both of us angry (I've genuinely dismissed care staff for being inappropriate because they are "squeamish " around Stoma and I would happily do it again).

I don't often think LTB but it would be an absolute row from me if DP uttered this. Mainly because I could not fathom the idiocy that thinks the cleanliness of his washing machine was even remotely a factor here.

If I'm honest I would lose any respect for him on an instant because it's just so ignorant and small minded. It's not so much the action or the moment but I suspect I would realise what a small human being he actually was. In reality of course its not necessarily something to end a marriage over but this would absolutely be a sit down "You crossed a giant line " conversation.

It seems like a small thing, a horrible statement but so often that tells you exactly who that person is or who they have become.

Greenqueen40 · 23/09/2021 09:33

I'm a nurse so quite used to other people's bodily fluids however I could not cope with someone else's faeces in my washing machine - relative or not.
The thought actually makes me feel a bit ill.
That however does not make me a bad person, your DH may have worded things clumsily but seriously can noone see his point of view?
Sheets are literally under £10 from asda, why on earth wouldn't you bin them and get some more, its not a long term thing, he will get used to it soon and accidents should minimalise.

HarrietsChariot · 23/09/2021 09:39

I think your DH has a point. You've offered to buy a new washing machine but your father is refusing to accept your help. It's not your husband standing in the way of a solution.

Shmithecat2 · 23/09/2021 09:45

Wow. Why are the sheets even being discussed?! Just get them bloody washed. It's not something I would've even discussed with my dh tbh. If that happened to my ddad and his machine wasn't working, I'd have taken them to my house and washed them. I can't believe it even needed thinking about, let alone arguing over Hmm

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2021 09:49

I know there are these rows of washing machines in service station forecourts in Ireland and I don't know if something similar exists in the UK where the bedding could be washed as an interim measure to at least remove that as being a topic of discussion.

For the washing machine, I'd contact the retailer who sold your FiL his appliance and they should have details of what was sold to him including any additional service plans etc. Get the ball rolling on that.

Not sure why the machine has stopped working but could you check that there isn't anything caught up in the filter of the machine? Has it stopped filling or draining or spinning or what?

Flawedperfection · 23/09/2021 09:58

Your DH is a prick I’m sorry to say- ask him what if his carers react in disgust at HIS bowel issues in the future.
I hope your dad’s recovery goes well 🌸

saraclara · 23/09/2021 10:03

I would just buy some new sheets, throw out the old ones and either just do any future washing straight away or go halves with your brother on a replacement (new or second hand) and ignore your Dad's wishes about the service plan

What has her DF done to deserve his wishes being overridden and his control over his own decisions taken away? He's got bowel cancer, not Alzheimer's.
I'd be furious of my kids just decided what was best for me without consulting me, and got rid of my own possessions.

Talk about infantilisation...

saraclara · 23/09/2021 10:20

Do you have children, OP? What would DH's reaction be to washing their clothes and sheets when they have nappy leaks or stomach bug accidents?

SirChenjins · 23/09/2021 10:27

@saraclara

I would just buy some new sheets, throw out the old ones and either just do any future washing straight away or go halves with your brother on a replacement (new or second hand) and ignore your Dad's wishes about the service plan

What has her DF done to deserve his wishes being overridden and his control over his own decisions taken away? He's got bowel cancer, not Alzheimer's.
I'd be furious of my kids just decided what was best for me without consulting me, and got rid of my own possessions.

Talk about infantilisation...

Or alternatively follow his wishes and let him sleep in soiled sheets or no sheets....yeah, that would work.
Horst · 23/09/2021 10:29

Can’t say I’d want someone else’s soiled sheets in my washer either.

Feels different being my own infant or sick child and even then depending on how much I would just throw them away.

Also the sheets now been sat festering too. Bin it and buy some new ones.

Concestor · 23/09/2021 10:37

Wash the sheets.

And then think long and hard about what your husband is telling you about himself. For me, I think this would lead to the end of my marriage. I could not be with someone with such a shitty (pun intended) attitude. What a vile man he is.

startrek90 · 23/09/2021 10:44

I think your dh is being unreasonable. Of course you offer to wash some sheets. Hell I would do this for a neighbor whose machine broke down never mind my family member!

As for pp getting wound up about dirty sheets in a machine...you know you can actually clean the machine right? It really isn't difficult, if the dh is that bloody precious he can put machine cleaner in after the op has done the washing. But who honestly thinks that the dh here regularly does the washing and/or really cares about the washing machines cleanliness? I think your dh is a dick. Sorry.

sHREDDIES19 · 23/09/2021 10:46

Possibly easier to buy a new bedding set but that's not the issue here. What an absolutely disgusting comment from your dh! Such lack of compassion and utterly contemptuous language. What a horrible man.

MauveMavis · 23/09/2021 10:47

All this talk of throwing sheets away is terrible.

Think about the bloody environmental consequences. We need to move away from being such a disposable culture.

It's shit. It went into your body as food gets mushed up a bit and comes out. it's not going to kill anyone. soak sheets in bleach then wash.

FFS it's really not hard.