OH says I'm deceitful

[morecheeseplz]

I've not been having much sleep (first trimester insomnia) and the whole house has come down with a cold since the kids have been back at school, so I haven't been on top form.

I popped out on Monday to take mum to the shops and I was supposed to bring the registration forms into the GP. As we have just moved a little further up the road and are now out of the catchment area.

Anyhoo OH has just asked me whether the kids would be registered at the new gp yet as I took it in Monday. I thought oh crap as I completely forgot and they are still in the car.

He has gone mad calling me all names under sun and that I'm deceitful, I said I can't be deceitful because I never said I did do it.

AIBU? The kids are still registered at the old GP it was a simple mistake and he's making a big deal out of it.

[Charlene91]

Is there a chance that he doesn't know what the word deceitful means? It certainly sounds like it!!

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@Charlene91

Is there a chance that he doesn't know what the word deceitful means? It certainly sounds like it!!

Aww bless him

All you apologists need to stop. Of course he knows what it means. Even if he didn't though, the word isn't really relevant. He went mad and called her all the names under the sun because she forgot to do something. That's not the actions of someone using one word in the wrong place.

[ClawedButler]

THis is the bit that got me:

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about

That is some scary-ass shit right there. Swap "organised" for some other quality, and you can begin to see how wrong this is. If I was as pretty as he would like....if I was as active as he would like....if I was as slim as he would like...

He either loves you for WHO YOU ARE, or he doesn't. If by just being yourself (a bit forgetful at times when feeling ill and over-worked) you aren't "good enough" for him, then frankly he's a tosser. A controlling arse who expects you to fit into some pre-conceived mold (based on his mother, I'd wager) in order for you to be acceptable. Nope. No thank you. If you don't love someone for who they are, you don't love them at all.

[Rachie1973]

@morecheeseplz

Our relationship overall isn't terrible I don't feel trapped. We both have our own lives I've always worked he's always been self employed.
However I have been suffering with hyperemesis and he has been doing everything whilst I have just been lying in bed. We do enjoy each others company it's not a horrible relationship.

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.

*@Workinghardeveryday* not coughing up just when DD blew her nose this morning.

I wouldn’t take a child to the GP for green snot either. Not without some other concern like a raging temp or something.

Red flags.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I have held somethings back in the past just to avoid him going on and on at me"

Yet another red flag re this individual you are planning on marrying. He indeed either loves you for ALL you are or he does not. He does not; his attitude is dreadful all told and is controlling. He's being controlling you throughout your relationship and as you are now pregnant by him he further now ups the power and control against you. You do realise the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What were you like before you and he met?.

He wants you to be yet another version of his own "perfect" mother and as you do not stack up to that ideal in his head, you are further subservient to him in his mind.

I would also give his child your surname rather than his too.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Lots of red flags. I’d not go through with this wedding. As for the snot, it’s not phlegm. Phlegm is coughing up and is a sign of infection, potentially needing antibiotics.

[TwooThirty]

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about

If you swapped this around and it was a woman talking about her boyfriend and the father of her children who was disorganised and leaving all the remembering and organising up to her all the time then PP would be responding very differently.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@TwooThirty

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about

If you swapped this around and it was a woman talking about her boyfriend and the father of her children who was disorganised and leaving all the remembering and organising up to her all the time then PP would be responding very differently.

The response here are not about OP forgetting something. They are about her OH reaction to that. I would not see that any different if the sexes were swapped. Nobody should be acting like that towards another, no matter what they have done.

Now go away and stop being an abuse apologist and blame shifter.

[Tal45]

Giving antibiotics out willy nilly for a cough and a cold is a terrible idea, it's why some antibiotics are becoming less effective. Hopefully the doctor would tell your DH the same. He sounds like he's being a dick.

[Droite]

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.

This isn't the problem, OP. Everyone is fallible, including your partner. The problem is that he fails to recognise that people make mistakes, and if they do he thinks it's acceptable to say they're lying and to call them names. You could get things right 999 times out of a thousand, he would still call you names that thousandth occasion when you get something wrong. You need to tell him that normal, loving partners do not behave that way; however, given the way he sanctifies his mother, I fear you aren't going to get him to accept there is anything wrong.

[C8H10N4O2]

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.

Well if he picked up some of the admin tasks, especially whilst you are ill, that would also solve the problem and somewhat more effectively than picking a fight over it. Which suggests he is more interested in picking the fight.

Also when you are ill you are not "just lying in bed" you are ill.

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

He'll always be critical. You'll never be good enough in his eyes or live up to his mum's standards.

[TheFoundations]

@Charlene91

Is there a chance that he doesn't know what the word deceitful means? It certainly sounds like it!!

He shouldn't be accusing her of anything, whatever he thinks he means.

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about

This is bad, OP. Really quite bad. He's lovely to you as long as you do things 'right'. If you do things 'wrong', you fall out. And he gets to decide what's right and wrong. You are already losing your autonomy just by being who you are. You will be marrying your loss of autonomy, if you carry on as planned. Think carefully about whether you want to decide for yourself in future whether you are 'deceitful' or 'too disorganised', or whether you want to hand over the responsibility for deciding who you are to a man who accuses you of things you haven't done.

[MintJulia]

I wouldn't marry someone who called me all the names under the sun when I was pregnant and coping with two small children. What a git!

And with a 'perfect mother' in tow as well. No thanks. Don't do it. Your life will be a misery.

At least unmarried, you can escape more easily if you need to.

[Chloemol]

Ok well the comment
Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for

Is very telling. It is saying to me he doesn’t want to get married

And tbh from what you have said I wouldn’t be marrying him either

He can also sort the kids registration at the new doctor

[sloutside]

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for

You know that thread in classics "Cancel the cheque"
Well, this is the same except "Cancel the wedding"
Do not marry this man. Red flags all over it. He is only going to get worse once you are married.

No normal, reasonable person would accuse you of deceit over the incident you described. You forgot to register the children at the GP. That's it. No deceit involved at all.

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

God he sounds awful. Don't marry him!

[toconclude]

@TwooThirty

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about

If you swapped this around and it was a woman talking about her boyfriend and the father of her children who was disorganised and leaving all the remembering and organising up to her all the time then PP would be responding very differently.

And if you take things completely out of context you get the grievance you are so clearly looking for. See how that works?

[Anordinarymum]

Of course you will marry him OP

He is probably suffering from pre-wedding nerves.

He's giving you some real insights here though isn't he eh???

[TwooThirty]

Now go away and stop being an abuse apologist and blame shifter.
If you knew me in real life the idea that you would call me that is laughable @Fluffypastelslippers. And if you read my other posts then you would see that I also said ’He is obviously massively overreacting and being horrible about it too’ about his behaviour and reaction. In the post you replied to I’m referring only to the disorganisation/GP issue. No need to jump to name calling.

[DarkDarkNight]

He sounds like an arse. You’ve just moved, the kids are registered somewhere. It’s hardly a disaster.

Sounds like he’s checking up on you. Maybe he saw the forms so knew you hadn’t done it and he was testing you. He could always have done it himself if he was that bothered,

[mellicauli]

Someone who really loved you would assume the best: you forgot, you didn't get round to it, you were too tired, you meant to do it but had reservations.

But to call you deceitful shows that he is leaning towards putting a negative interpretation of your actions. Is that really the act of someone who loves you?

This is why people are saying don't marry him. This is the lovey dovey honeymoon period. What's it going to be like in 10 years time?

[Sunshineshow]

You quickly changed green phlegm to snot OP. We normally err on the side of whoever wants the GP as we respect each other’s opinion.

I don’t know, he wasn’t nice no, but there’s not enough info to say abuse. To be honest OP you would drive me up the wall from what you have written but I’m with someone with a similar outlook.

It sounds like you are not well suited at all and you both want to dig down and make the other change but that’s not going to work.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@TwooThirty

Now go away and stop being an abuse apologist and blame shifter.
If you knew me in real life the idea that you would call me that is laughable *@Fluffypastelslippers. And if you read my other posts then you would see that I also said ’He is obviously massively overreacting and being horrible about it too’* about his behaviour and reaction. In the post you replied to I’m referring only to the disorganisation/GP issue. No need to jump to name calling.

If I know you in real life I probably would view you differently, but I don't. I made my list based on yours and that's all I have. Excuse me if your own post led to my opinion.


The name calling? You were doing exactly as I said it.

You turned it round to be about OP forgetting rather than focusing on the real issue, which was his reaction. I struggle a lot with forgetting things, I'm autistic and my executive function is terrible sometimes- my husband has NEVER, not a single time 'called me all the names under the sun' for doing so.

Even if, as you suggested, the sexes were turned it would not be acceptable for a woman to behave in such a way towards a man either. But you know, it's always the men. This man is a scumbag abusive cunt and the sooner OP sees it the better. Posts like yours saying 'but if it were the other way round' then focusing on the wrong part only serve to keep women like OP from waking up to what he is doing. So yeah I absolutely stand by the apologist comment.

[LIZS]

Why are you booking a wedding for a "not great" relationship. It was an oversight, hardly earth-shattering. His reaction is totally ott.