OH says I'm deceitful

[morecheeseplz]

I've not been having much sleep (first trimester insomnia) and the whole house has come down with a cold since the kids have been back at school, so I haven't been on top form.

I popped out on Monday to take mum to the shops and I was supposed to bring the registration forms into the GP. As we have just moved a little further up the road and are now out of the catchment area.

Anyhoo OH has just asked me whether the kids would be registered at the new gp yet as I took it in Monday. I thought oh crap as I completely forgot and they are still in the car.

He has gone mad calling me all names under sun and that I'm deceitful, I said I can't be deceitful because I never said I did do it.

AIBU? The kids are still registered at the old GP it was a simple mistake and he's making a big deal out of it.

[TwooThirty]

Sometimes I pay a bill a day or two late (which isn't great) sometimes I just forget.

He is obviously massively overreacting and being horrible about it too. If you do decide to go on and get married he has to address that first.

But I also feel like you need to step up. It’s unnerving living with someone who just ‘forgets’ to pay bills and do other jobs. It makes you on feel on edge and insecure in your life. It also makes the labour of what is often termed ‘wife work’ (thinking/planning/remembering) uneven and builds resentment.

[UniversalAunt]

BTW, why marry now?

It sounds like you have several unresolved points of conflict on everyday matters.

His blueprint of family life seems to be ordered & organised, & yours not so much. But with several young children, who would not struggle to keep everything tip-top & perfectly in place?

Can you postpone the wedding?

[Dullardmullard]

Why didn’t you call him out on this behaviour and say excuse me that’s not deceitful it’s forgetfulness and it’s a bloody form. I’ll do it soon and that should of been that.

Looks like he’s got form for being this and he’d be told straight up that word doesn’t mean what you think it does.

As for the kid with the cold tell him that gps are not giving antibiotics out like sweeties anymore and haven’t for a good while.

Do not be afraid to point this all out to the stupid man.

[Briony123]

@morecheeseplz

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for.

*@AntiSocialDistancer* I guess so he rang me when I was with mum and asked If I had all the ID's and I said yes so I guess he assumed I was going to do it. It just slipped my mind I wasn't feeling well and mum was complaining she hadn't been out for days so I wanted to get her out for a little bit.

You should also be asking yourself "what am I getting myself into"... From what I've read on MN, it's far better to be a single mother than in a relationship with a bully.

[Workinghardeveryday]

I also thought he was a twat until you said you haven’t taken the kids to doctors and coughing up green.

My mum was a nurse and step dad a paramedic. Mum always says if you cough up green it’s a good sign of infection. If 3 days or more very lightly antibiotics would be needed.

How many times has he asked you to register them at the doctors before he has is outburst?

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@Workinghardeveryday

I also thought he was a twat until you said you haven’t taken the kids to doctors and coughing up green.

My mum was a nurse and step dad a paramedic. Mum always says if you cough up green it’s a good sign of infection. If 3 days or more very lightly antibiotics would be needed.

How many times has he asked you to register them at the doctors before he has is outburst?

He was being either way. Don't minimise his behaviour because you think the child should have seen the new GP. Other options are available...

1. Take child to the GP they are registered with

1. Call new surgery and have child seen if they are no longer registered, because that's ok

1. He could act like an adult and do something pro active

Whether OP should have taken the child to the GP or not has little to do with the OH behaviour.

Far too many women on this site are willing to excuse men and blame women's for not getting it right. Grow some fucking balls.

[AntiSocialDistancer]

@LagunaBubbles

Please don't be one of those women who post on here "I saw warning signs, ignored them, went ahead and got married anyway, he's abusive, I don't work, I feel trapped, what can I do?"

100% this.

Completely agree. This could be your future if you carry on this course!

[ochreloca]

@QueenoftheKarens

Why... just why are you marrying him exactly?
Doesn't sound like he has any good qualities and you'll be divorced in a few years.

Don't be like me. I did it and stayed for 18 years. The signs were all there. It really doesn't get any better. Really.
And it's bad for the kids. His example that mum gets called names for basically being human is very poor.
Leave now while you have the chance. Please.

[TATTSOTATT]

People do jump to a lot of conclusions! Absolutely his behaviour and ‘being weird since planning the wedding’ could be serious signs of an abusive partner however he also could just be unreasonable in his attitude but not abusive. However the unreasonable response might still make you consider whether or not you actually want to legally tie yourself to this guy through marriage!

I can understand him being annoyed about not being able to get a dr’s opinion on whether your daughter has an infection. Is there more to this story such as you have disagreed about whether she needs to be seen at the doctors and he feels you are delaying things on purpose to get your way and wait to see if it clears up on its own? That would make his reaction seem less unreasonable (even if it was a genuine mistake you could see how he may have thought otherwise).

If it was me in this situation, I would certainly sit him down for a serious talk and say ‘this is who I am’ and ‘do not expect me to have the same strengths and weaknesses as your Mother - I am a different person’ and make sure he is not expecting to basically marry his Mother!

Also, as a side note, as a medical professional, green phlegm is a sign of bacterial infection and is worth a visit to the GP but even then, they wouldn’t necessarily prescribe antibiotics unless it hasn’t cleared up by itself in 2 weeks or there are other symptoms of concern but it is perfectly reasonable for him to want a medical opinion for his daughter.

[morecheeseplz]

Our relationship overall isn't terrible I don't feel trapped. We both have our own lives I've always worked he's always been self employed.
However I have been suffering with hyperemesis and he has been doing everything whilst I have just been lying in bed. We do enjoy each others company it's not a horrible relationship.

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.


@Workinghardeveryday not coughing up just when DD blew her nose this morning.

[hufffflufff]

DO NOT marry this man.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

People do jump to a lot of conclusions!

Well of course. That's literally what we are being asked to do here.


Absolutely his behaviour and ‘being weird since planning the wedding’ could be serious signs of an abusive partner however he also could just be unreasonable in his attitude but not abusive.

Being unreasonable in attitude but not abusive would not lead him to speak as he did to OP. Please don't excuse this, it only ever gets worse.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@morecheeseplz

Our relationship overall isn't terrible I don't feel trapped. We both have our own lives I've always worked he's always been self employed.
However I have been suffering with hyperemesis and he has been doing everything whilst I have just been lying in bed. We do enjoy each others company it's not a horrible relationship.

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.


*@Workinghardeveryday* not coughing up just when DD blew her nose this morning.

And there we have it

Well on your head (possibly quite literally) be it OP. You have the biggest warning sign ever and you are not willing to read it. I wish you all the best but 100% this is a terrible relationship and will only get worse.

[shesellsseacats]

@C8H10N4O2

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for

He will not change after the wedding if this is a pattern of behaviour. He will get worse.

Don't marry him just because he is the father of your children.

Given the OP already has DC with her DP and livces with him, my advice on whether she marries him or not would depend on her financial position.


OP, you need to entertain the idea that this relationship will probably not last. Your DP is unkind to you. It's likely he will get worse after marriage and as time goes by. At some point you will have had enough of being treated like this.

Are you financially independent?

Who stands to gain more out of marriage? If it's him, or if no one gains, then DO NOT MARRY HIM!

If, however, you are financially dependent on him, e.g. if he owns the house or he works and you stay at home and have no access to money, then - and this may be contraversial - I'd advise marrying him for your own protection, financially, and keeping it very much in your mind that you can divorce him if he carries on treating you like this. (Which he probably will).

[toomuchlaundry]

If you both work why can’t he sort out the GP especially as he is the one who thinks your DC need to see one.

Why are you the one who has to be organised?

[QueenoftheKarens]

@morecheeseplz

Our relationship overall isn't terrible I don't feel trapped. We both have our own lives I've always worked he's always been self employed.
However I have been suffering with hyperemesis and he has been doing everything whilst I have just been lying in bed. We do enjoy each others company it's not a horrible relationship.

If I was as organised as he would like me to be we would have nothing to argue about.


*@Workinghardeveryday* not coughing up just when DD blew her nose this morning.

So if you both work.. why he can't sort things out?
Your relationship isn't as good as your making it out to be and it's only going to get worse. You've been warned op but if you want to continue then good luck to you but I can see the red flags.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

@shesellsseacats

You would advise someone marries an abusive man for financial protection?

What on earth os wrong with you

[shesellsseacats]

[quote Fluffypastelslippers]@shesellsseacats

You would advise someone marries an abusive man for financial protection?

What on earth os wrong with you [/quote]
Not if she didn't have kids with him already, no.

But this man is going to be in her life no matter what she does. Marriage gives protections that you don't have as an unmarried partner.

I don't know the OP's financial position, but if he holds all the cards financially, then it could be the difference between her being destitute and not.

[shesellsseacats]

I'm currently splitting up with my partner and the father of my kids. We're not married and I own everything. Legally, I could kick him out of the family home and he'd be out on the street with not a penny to his name. Whereas if we were married, he'd have a claim to half the house and my salary.

I'm not an arsehole and neither is he, so I'm not going to do that to him, but it's a very vulneable position to be in, to have DC, not be married and to be with a partner who holds all the cards financially.

[shesellsseacats]

Although if he's dangerously abusive it's not worth the risk, or the money, of course.

[LemonJuiceFromConcentrate]

Don’t marry him, OP. Sorry, but pps are totally right

[girlmom21]

Our relationship overall isn't terrible

But is that enough for you?

[Workinghardeveryday]

Fair enough then, all kids have green snot!!

@morecheeseplz. I think you know deep deep down everyone is right in saying he is a twat.

Do you think it’s possible that you have a brick wall up because there is no way you can allow yourself to recognise this? After all you have kids, pregnant, house, no job etc. So how can you actually recognise this all to be true..... No doubt you will crack on and get married and be sure it will all work out brilliantly - after all he is also just as lovely as he is a twat.....

Problem is the times he is a twat makes all the lovely bright times turn sort of grey and shit. Do you actually want to grow old with him? Probably yes you do, just not the shitty side of him - but that will go away when you get married right?? Guarantee it will be 100% worse.

Someone once said to me on here if you love cake and someone gives you one, ingredients 90% cake 10% dog shit would you still eat it?

You can make a life without him. Millions have done it before you and millions will after you. Come on hun you don’t need to put up with that shit of him!!! X

[BoredZelda]

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for.

Cancel the cheque for the wedding. He is showing you what you are getting yourself in for. Nobody would treat me like that and get away with it, let alone someone who supposedly loves me.

[Fluffypastelslippers]

I don't know the OP's financial position, but if he holds all the cards financially, then it could be the difference between her being destitute and not.

Marrying a cunt isn't the answer.