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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH says I'm deceitful

117 replies

morecheeseplz · 22/09/2021 08:04

I've not been having much sleep (first trimester insomnia) and the whole house has come down with a cold since the kids have been back at school, so I haven't been on top form.

I popped out on Monday to take mum to the shops and I was supposed to bring the registration forms into the GP. As we have just moved a little further up the road and are now out of the catchment area.

Anyhoo OH has just asked me whether the kids would be registered at the new gp yet as I took it in Monday. I thought oh crap as I completely forgot and they are still in the car.

He has gone mad calling me all names under sun and that I'm deceitful, I said I can't be deceitful because I never said I did do it.

AIBU? The kids are still registered at the old GP it was a simple mistake and he's making a big deal out of it.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 22/09/2021 08:55

Send him back to his perfect Mummy. He obviously can't cope with living with someone who's human. Controlling twat.

WheresYourSnickers · 22/09/2021 08:56

Sounds like a complete overreaction to me. OK, so you forgot to do something- doesn't mean you're deceitful.

Anon778833 · 22/09/2021 08:59

Domestic abuse tends to happen more during a pregnancy so watch out for that. He sounds horrible.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/09/2021 09:00

@WhatAShilohPitt

1- he calls you deceitful. So he insults you, very personally, without any reason to. 2- he’s gone mad and called you all the names under the sun. While you are pregnant. Over a form. 3 - if you make a mistake he now pretends if makes him think twice about marriage. He won’t tolerate you making mistakes without getting angry or impatient. 4- you’ve stopped telling him things. You can’t be yourself with him. 5- you’re on here asking us if you are deceitful. He’s making you need reassurance that you aren’t that one in the wrong.

Personally, this would all be enough to make me cancel the wedding for now, the reason being that you are seeing signs of clearly unreasonable behaviour - in itself, a grounds for divorce - and you are also experiencing verbally abusive behaviour. You need to be seriously asking yourself whether you want to marry this man, and if you do, what it will be like.

Read the above over again - and again - and then cancel the wedding.
notanothertakeaway · 22/09/2021 09:01

Please don't be one of those women who post on here "I saw warning signs, ignored them, went ahead and got married anyway, he's abusive, I don't work, I feel trapped, what can I do?"

He won't improve. He's showing you what he's like. Believe him

30mph · 22/09/2021 09:02

Hope you are joint owners or tenants. Think very carefully about whether marriage is a good idea for you. His aggressive (yes, this is verbal aggression) reaction to a minor oversight is a big red flag, pay attention to it.

Enko · 22/09/2021 09:03

How long since you moved op? Not saying I think this is a good thing hebis doing but could it be moving stress dh and I rarely argue (25 years married) but we did 3 times in August where we had just moved and both said things we after apologied for. Moving is high stress and small things can seem huge

So unless there is a pattern here is that poasible

Ellie56 · 22/09/2021 09:04

@Fluffypastelslippers

Your man is a prick. The usual response would be:

'Oh, I totally forgot - I will do it tomorrow/whichever day'

'what are you like, haha

Or

'Oh, I totally forgot - won't get a chance now until next week!'

'what are you like, haha. Do you want me to do it? I can pop down tomorrow/whichever day'

Yes this.

Your OH is a massive twat. All this hoo hah over a bloody form? Hmm

AnyFucker · 22/09/2021 09:07

Why the fuck are you marrying this loser ?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/09/2021 09:11

He is holding you to some imaginary perfect standard. Has he never forgotten anything?
These are the questions I usually ask on this sort of post:-

  1. Do you change your behaviour to avoid his moods?
  2. Do you feel more relaxed when he is not around?
  3. Do you find yourself having a mental dialogue with him when he is not around - is he inside your head? 4)Does he keep moving the goalposts so if you do what you think he wants does he then change the rules or his expectations so he can get annoyed at you anyway?
  4. Does he call you names or belittle or humiliate you?
  5. Does he take his fair share of responsibility or does he leave it to you and then blame you if its not done the way he wants? 7)Do you have equal amounts of free time?
  6. Do you have equal access to money?
  7. Are you dependant on him for your home or financial security - does he threaten to remove that if you don't behave?
Original poster
morecheeseplz · 22/09/2021 09:11

His argument is that DD needs to go to the doctors for antibiotics because she has green phlegm. I have said she doesn't it will clear up on it's own. His mum gets antibiotics out for everything!

I'm not a doctor but I have never been to doctors for a cold or took the kids either.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 22/09/2021 09:12

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for.

Easily fixed. Tell him he doesn’t have to worry about the wedding as you are booting him out. This is no way to live.

HoppingPavlova · 22/09/2021 09:14

I feel like he thinks I should be like his mum

The fix gets easier! He can move in with her when you boot him out. Win/win all around!

notanothertakeaway · 22/09/2021 09:16

I recommend this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

DrManhattan · 22/09/2021 09:17

Lucky you Hmm

knittingaddict · 22/09/2021 09:20

Have you posted this before op? I know you said it happened recently, but I have definitely read a very similar post a while back.

honeylulu · 22/09/2021 09:20

Your OP actually gave me the shivers for a moment. My very controlling mother (whose mantra was always "you are such a disappointment to me") used to bandy the word deceitful around when I was a child and teenager. The vast majority of the time it was misused. I sometimes forgot things, I sometimes didn't mention things if they didn't seem relevant (or as a teen I wanted a bit of privacy) and sometimes I'd been quite open but she just didn't like what I had to say. Forgetful, thoughtless ... yes sometimes I was. But she always declared that I was "deceitful".

It was a very damaging thing to do as being labelled as deceitful makes you feel like a bad person, as if you must be morally deficient if someone thinks that of you. My teenage diaries are full of my agonising about what a bad person I was and how I must try and improve myself. In reality I was a very normal, scatty and slightly self absorbed teenager.

I see you are pregnant, engaged and have other children and that makes me worried for you that this is the beginning of more gaslighting and control.

frumpety · 22/09/2021 09:21

Deceitful is an odd term to use in this scenario, do you think he might be projecting ?

LagunaBubbles · 22/09/2021 09:23

Please don't be one of those women who post on here "I saw warning signs, ignored them, went ahead and got married anyway, he's abusive, I don't work, I feel trapped, what can I do?"

100% this.

suspiria777 · 22/09/2021 09:24

@morecheeseplz

His argument is that DD needs to go to the doctors for antibiotics because she has green phlegm. I have said she doesn't it will clear up on it's own. His mum gets antibiotics out for everything!

I'm not a doctor but I have never been to doctors for a cold or took the kids either.

Does he or his mother understand the difference between a virus and a bacterial infection? Or what antibiotics are for? Or what unnecessary visits to healthcare settings do for contagious disease spread? Or the peril that antibiotic overuse and antimicrobial resistance is putting us in, globally? Evidently he doesn't. If you don't feel you can explain these facts to him, question whether this is a person you should be continuing a relationship with.
Topseyt · 22/09/2021 09:24

Think very, very carefully about whether marrying this twat would be a good idea (it wouldn't)

He sounds very controlling, He also sounds a bit dim as he clearly doesn't understand the meaning of the word deceit.

Deceit would mean that you had tricked him into thinking you had done one thing when you had actually done another. It is very clear that you didn't do that. You had a lot going on at the time and simply forgot. Forgetfulness is not deceit.

I wouldn't be marrying him. You'll be constantly walking on eggshells.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/09/2021 09:25

Since we've booked the wedding he has gone weird normally he's quite relaxed. But if I make a mistake he is saying oh is this what I am getting myself in for

He will not change after the wedding if this is a pattern of behaviour. He will get worse.

Don't marry him just because he is the father of your children.

UniversalAunt · 22/09/2021 09:26

Ah, now I was on board with you until you said this:

‘ His argument is that DD needs to go to the doctors for antibiotics because she has green phlegm. I have said she doesn't it will clear up on it's own. His mum gets antibiotics out for everything!’

GPs do not dole out AB on request. There has been a concerted campaign by GPS to minimise prescription of ABs.

How long do you give for the green phlegm to clear up? At what point do you get a medical opinion?

Does OH’s family have a history of chronic conditions, e.g. asthma?

QueenoftheKarens · 22/09/2021 09:27

Why... just why are you marrying him exactly? Confused
Doesn't sound like he has any good qualities and you'll be divorced in a few years.

Cryalot2 · 22/09/2021 09:29

Sorry op but don't marry him.
He sounds as though he doesn't want to either.
But he does seem to care for dc I find it strange they have never been to a drs. Surely they were vaccinated and had baby checks?
I get mad at dh not paying bills on time, ( he has some stupid reason) I just cannot see why he cannot so can see why your partner may be annoyed. Would getting a dishwasher help?
Do you live too near his mum?
You both need a chat and call off the wedding.