My husband's reason for marrying me

[Rose916]

My husband recently said he married me because I have a "number of good qualities" (his words)

I initially felt flattered by this statement but now I'm not sure! (Maybe I would have preferred "because I love you with all my heart")

What would you have thought if your partner had said the reason they're with you is for "your good qualities". Nice thing to say or a little strange? Interested to know if I'm being too sensitive!

Maybe he was joking. We got married after 14 years and my dhs standard answer was for tax purposes 🙄🙄 Still together 17 years later, but he does have a strange sense of humour at times.

@Guineapigbridge

Lol if I asked my husband this he'd say something obnoxious like 'because you had great tits" just to get a rise out of me. I kind of think we are better off when we don't know exactly how our men think, tbh. Maybe just believe something romantic that'll make you happy and going forward don't ask too many questions you're likely to be disappointed by...

I think my husband did actually say this. I sulked for a couple of days but got over it. We have been married for 33 years now and unfortunately my tits aren’t so perky. I’m sure if I asked him now why we are still married he would say ‘because no one else would marry you’. I would probably tell him he was a boring old git and hurry up with making my dinner. But somehow our marriage works

I loved my ex. He didn’t have many good qualities, I’m not sure why the relationship sucked me in. If I’d married him, the only reason I could say as to why I married him was because I loved him. I love my husband. I married my husband not only because I loved him but because of his many good qualities.

Neither DH or myself are good with overly romantic words so our stock answers when we ask this are:
Him - “you’ve got great tits”
Me - “your future earning potential”
Both of us know those aren’t the reasons we got married and we actually got married for far less vain reasons, we just don’t get overly romantic too often.

I asked DH what he loved about me (inspired by a thread on here) and his answer was

'i just find you easy to get along with'

now that's romantic

Mine said ‘ to stop me being so sad about my mum dying’ (as in it would be something happy to look forward to) just made me sadder that she wouldn’t be there :(

Has he been reading too many Jane Austen novels lately?

I married my DH for his good qualities too. Of course I love him and he knows that, but I do think marrying (at least partially) for sensible reasons helps massively in the long run.

Did he tell you what these "number of good qualities" are?

I really don’t see how this is a bad things.
Although it does depend on what those qualities he listed are.

Is it only me who considers this a greater compliment than ‘I love you’? Those three words are so vague.
Depends on the context of the discussion but if you asked him why he married you what’s wrong with this as an honest answer?

”” I kind of think we are better off when we don't know exactly how our men think, tbh.
Maybe just believe something romantic that'll make you happy and going forward don't ask too many questions you're likely to be disappointed by...””

This explains so many relationships…..

@TractorAndHeadphones

Is it only me who considers this a greater compliment than ‘I love you’? Those three words are so vague. Depends on the context of the discussion but if you asked him why he married you what’s wrong with this as an honest answer?

Definitely me. "I love you with all my heart" is flowery waffle that means everything or nothing, people define it differently, I've had friends declare they loved (and therefore couldn't leave) abusive partners.

"A number of good qualities" is very nice to hear. It's actually really reassuring sometimes to know someone actually thinks you have multiple positive traits.

Some of the "unromantic" examples on this thread are actually really amazing compliments when you think about what they mean, like "I didn't want to marry anyone else". I think something like that about DP. It's actually incredible to step back and think, how many people I've met in my life, how many flings I've had, and no one felt as natural to spend the rest of my life with except DP.

"Great tits" is obviously less of an amazing compliment but tbh as much as I like to think of myself as beyond the need for superficial compliments it's always nice to get a boost re: how you look.

Unmarried here and slightly off topic, but do people not discuss things like this BEFORE getting married?
If either me or my DP proposed to the other, I'm sure we would have a conversation first about what marriage meant, why we wanted it, and why we wanted to marry each other.....?

Good qualities isn't a bad answer.
It is a good quality answer.

I don’t know anyone who is still married after 20yrs who married purely for love. Friendship, values, similar family background which contribute to ‘qualities’ are the important foundation for a successful marriage. Deep, satisfying and bonding love develops over years. When tested it remains solid and the reason you stay together. Lust is the initiator. You never learn what real love is until you have been together for several year. Maybe that is why some relationships never go past 5-7yrs. When tested the love was never really real.

We got married for the pension benefits. We got our pension statements through and realised we were accumulating good pensions each but the death in service and survivors pensions were only payable if we got married. 6 weeks later we did.

(We'd been together many years and had children for all the soppy romantic reasons. Marriage was pure practicality)

I think that was just your DH's way of trying to wriggle out of an awkward conversation.

"A number of good qualities" could mean anything and actually include really romantic, sexy, loving things which he's probably too embarrassed to say!

An ex of mine, when I was saying maybe we should call it a day as he didn't seem to actually like me that much, protested that wasn't true as he really liked that I had varied interests. That really tickled me actually, I did still end it though.

My husband and I have a default jokey answer to this question which is just 'because you were there' - which is actually something he said to me in all seriousness once when I asked what had made him want to be in the beginning. There was apparently a whole wider story about how hed been ready to give up and was resigned to being on his own, and he was amazed to find someone who just 'fit' and it was easy and compatible from the start etc But it very much came out like 'because you were there'.

FWIW I love DH very much but I've loved other people. I MARRIED DH for his good qualities- he's kind and honest and I knew I trusted him completely and he made me laugh and we wanted similar things out of life.

Sounds fine to me. Love is an airy-fairy thing, but having good qualities is solid!
My husband said he married me because I'm more intelligent than him, which is a bit

I think that sounds nice! Maybe not staggeringly romantic ,but sweet in its own way . As long as you are both happy and he treats you well,dont worry about it!

The answer of "because I love you" would be a problem for me. That sounds like it hasn't really been thought about and was done on autopilot. I'd much rather have a whole load of tangible reasons, if I were ever minded to ask.

I was a good cook and I was quite pretty.

Some of the deadpan honest DH answers on here are making me laugh.

I think most women would at least try to dress them up a bit, so "quite pretty" would become "I adore how your nose turns up a little at the end" etc etc.

You know what, i think women are brought up on these notions of romance which quite frankly are a lot of rot.

Ultimately your looks are always going to fade so knowing that isn't the thing that someone loves about you is a good thing. Its not shallow and superficial. Someone can see you are more than that.

Lasting relationships are built on far more than that and have mutual respect at their core.

Women tend to pick men for more pragmatic reasons than looks alone. Personality temds to feature higher in priorities for women.

This idea that men must find use drop dead gorgeous is one that I don't think helpful and makes people unhappy because its hard to continue to live up to that and that breeds insecurity.

It would be nice if the Op's partner was more articulate and could be more specific about good qualities but I think his response wasn't an awful one. It could have been more thoughtful but its a better response than the OP thinks.

Dh and I agreed to marry because our parents didn't agree with our view of what to happen if we were seriously injured. We decided we wanted each other as next of kin.

Not romantic
Not lovely dovey

Practical and sensible

We have been married 25 years. These days dh likes to say he can't afford to divorce me as I'd be entitled to way to much.. (he could afford it if he wanted)

I dont doubt he loves me and he knows I do him. However for me marriage should be seen as the serious legal commitment it is rather than something romantic.

It could be worse OP.

I once asked the love of my life what he liked best about me, what was his favourite thing...why was he with me? Prior to this I'd been really vulnerable with him about all the things I noticed and appreciated about him. I mean, I listed it, Elizabeth Barrett Browning style. It was really fucking romantic.

He thought about his response for over an hour. We were holding hands, strolling through our holiday destination, the picture of loved up. He stopped dead in his tracks, turned to me, looked me in the eyes with such tenderness and humility.

"Remember, that question you asked me earlier...about why I like being with you and what you're good at and stuff? The compliment thing? I've actually thought of one."

I braced myself for what was clearly going to be the most romantic moment of my life.

"You are the safest driver I know. I always feel really comfortable in the passenger seat with you."

Literally the moment I knew it was over and I liked him way more than he liked me.

He never understood why I wasn't more appreciative of that compliment. I just remember him running after me through the cobbled streets... "WHAT?! IT WAS A GENUINE COMPLIMENT?! YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD DRIVER!!!"

I gave him a chance to redeem himself..."Is that really the only thing you like about me? After a year and a half? Is there anything else? At all? To help me understand why you are with me? Now. Here. Today. Good listener? I make you laugh? Great masseuse? You seem to enjoy all of those things at the time...or am I totally deluded?"

"I'm sure there are other things. That's just the thing I think about most about you. If you give me sometime, like a few days, I do feel like I could think of something else. I don't get why you're so upset...do you not think you're a good driver? Did something happen? Cos I promise you are. I always feel like you're my Mum or something when you're driving. Like really safe. That's a nice thing, no?"

I shit you not.

Just asked my DH why he married me and he very romantically said "for your blow jobs".... He then asked me and I said "for your earning potential", he was as impressed with my answer as I was by his.