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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband's reason for marrying me

142 replies

Rose916 · 21/09/2021 22:13

My husband recently said he married me because I have a "number of good qualities" (his words)

I initially felt flattered by this statement but now I'm not sure! (Maybe I would have preferred "because I love you with all my heart")

What would you have thought if your partner had said the reason they're with you is for "your good qualities". Nice thing to say or a little strange? Interested to know if I'm being too sensitive!

OP posts:

redfairy · 21/09/2021 23:47

Mine (now EXH) said I was a good organiser and helped him pay off his debts so he was grateful to me

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/09/2021 00:09

@Orangejuicemarathoner

It sounds genuine and based in reality to me. I would bank on that more than " I love you with all my heart"

This sounds like a marriage that would last.

saraclara · 22/09/2021 00:16

I hate this attitude. If you love someone, just fucking say so. It’s not difficult.

But it is for some of us. I find it really hard to come out with sentimental words. It's not me, and I have some history that may account for that.

If my adored late DH had asked me why I'd married him, I'd probably have come up with his qualities rather than my feelings, too. And he'd have been happy with that, because he knew I loved him, even though I didn't call him darling or often use the word love very often.

BiBabbles · 22/09/2021 00:17

I think it's very sweet (possibly sweeter if some of those qualities were listed), but I don't think of myself as a romantic.

Ohgodihatemywi · 22/09/2021 00:19

Still think that’s better than mine “thought you’d like a nice day” and “let’s have a massive party”. Probably the reason it didn’t last. I married again and am blissfully happy, he’s never changed and isn’t.

Men just don’t think the same way as us, it’s something we have to grin and bear unfortunately.

Hankunamatata · 22/09/2021 00:21

He see you as the whole package better than blind romance

TheNestedIf · 22/09/2021 00:23

Do you live in Middlemarch?

(sorry for the flippancy, I do sympathise)

HappyDays101010 · 22/09/2021 00:24

I love you with my whole heart sounds like the kind of guff that could be quite fickle, whereas your good qualities are presumably more enduring.

Backwaterjunction · 22/09/2021 00:37

My question would be did he just say this out of the blue? Or did you ask him why did you marry me and put him on the spot?

Because it doesn’t sound like something a man would just say with no prior conversation and if you put him on the spot then all bets are off as it’s unfair. Whenever I’m asked something like this I will either say something I think is funny or stupid eg “your dad threatened me” or I’d forgot to take my medication that day!

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 00:39

I don't think what he said was unreasonable. I fell very much in love with my husband but his 'qualities' were a factor; I imagine your husband feels much the same, op.

Heifer · 22/09/2021 00:41

I would take that - DH once joked he married me because I don't drink wine and it means he can have the whole bottle to himself!

Romantic he is not, a great husband (of 26 years) and Father he is.

gogohm · 22/09/2021 00:42

Whilst it doesn't sound romantic, it's a lot more promising for a long lasting relationship - those that marry purely due to head over heels love aka lust without considering what else is brought to the partnership are ones that fail when the lust inevitably reduces in my experience

Ticksallboxes · 22/09/2021 00:52

It sounds genuine and based in reality to me. I would bank on that more than "I love you with all my heart".

This!

NiceGerbil · 22/09/2021 01:08

OP I may be in minority but I would not be at all happy about that.

That answer is very sort of clinical. Like weighed up plus v minus and decided plus won.

I remember my dad once saying to me when he was pissed. Of course I never loved your mother. I thought she would make s good wife and mother. Good qualities.

I assume my friends like me because they think I have good qualities.

But not just that. Even with friends there is more. Something that clicks. A shared outlook on life, similar sense of humour. They make you feel happy. You feel they care about you. Maybe shared interests. That sort of stuff.

I know loads of people men and women who have good qualities. But I wouldn't want to be good friends let alone marry them!

What good qualities. I would have asked!

If they were stuff like. You're really funny, I really like you as a person. You make me happy. I feel really comfy with you. You always have interesting views and things to talk about.

That sort of stuff. Yes ok definitely.

If it's I dunno.

You're. I mean I don't know OP! General things that are seen as good qualities. Then I wouldn't be at all impressed.

Ticksallboxes · 22/09/2021 01:10

"Good qualities last for life, are always there. He'll love you forever, in other words". I tend to agree with this. I think you'll be fine.

avamiah · 22/09/2021 01:16

Only you know if you think he loves you but more importantly do you love him?

HannaHanna · 22/09/2021 01:40

Did you ask him and get this as an answer?

Mamanyt · 22/09/2021 01:47

It may not be the romantic declaration you would have wanted, but in the long run, there are things that he deeply admires about your character. He had, evidently, though about what he wanted in a wife, besides good looks, and you fit the bill. If he was attracted to your good qualities, he won't go off you later on in life when your waistline changes, and your chin isn't as firm. I'd say you got a thoughtful man, if not a romantic one. Guess which one stands the test of time better? Romantic, sunsets and roses love goes away with time UNLESS there is liking and respect at the base. And if those things are there, you can last. You have them.

NiceGerbil · 22/09/2021 01:58

OP why did you ask in the first place?

Do you need reassuring for some reason?

You must know he's not a flowery type, what were you looking for? And why?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 22/09/2021 02:21

It very much depends on how YOu feel!
I have a very unromantic husband of almost 20 years. He would do anything for me, but don't ask him to talk about feelings (unless he's drunk!) But I've watched friends with demonstrative guys pick Up the pieces. I had romantic boyfriends who talked the talk, but couldn't walk the walk. If he makes you happy don't worry about if

Catflapkitkat · 22/09/2021 05:10

I get it. A wise woman once told me 'you don't always marry the love of your life'. Not that your husband said that.

Marrying someone with great qualities and shared values may not sound very romantic but it doesn't mean he was not in love.

Your husband verbalised something that should have remained a thought

nonevernotever · 22/09/2021 05:21

Well it's better than my dh's usual answer: "so we can turn off each other's life support". DH has never been about the romance, but shows his love in other ways.

LadyCarolineDester · 22/09/2021 05:25

I get why you’re upset. It’s not exactly wild romance.

On the other hand, I was doing a self-confidence-boosting exercise at work and I had to ask people close to me to tell me my good qualities. My husband thought for ages and then said ‘I was a good cook and I was quite pretty.’ He wasn’t joking, he genuinely couldn’t think of anything else good about me.

RoyKentsHairyBack · 22/09/2021 06:38

Mine openly admits he married me only because I wanted to. 18 years down the line and we're doing ok.

He loves the bones of me but he doesn't like changing the status quo. He is also stubborn and won't do anything he doesn't want to so just being prepared to Mary me was a huge declaration in itself if you knew what he was like. It's just not very romantic......

Why did you want to marry him? I wanted to marry mine because I wanted us to form a family, to be legally connected and next of kin, to be a little unit. Again not hearts and flowers romantic either but very much based in love.

Nomorefuckstogive · 22/09/2021 07:04

I married my DH because he was kind, reliable, had good family values, made me laugh and treated me well. Doesn’t set the world alight, but it’s a good honest reason. I think your DH sounds quite sweet.

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