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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband's reason for marrying me

142 replies

Rose916 · 21/09/2021 22:13

My husband recently said he married me because I have a "number of good qualities" (his words)

I initially felt flattered by this statement but now I'm not sure! (Maybe I would have preferred "because I love you with all my heart")

What would you have thought if your partner had said the reason they're with you is for "your good qualities". Nice thing to say or a little strange? Interested to know if I'm being too sensitive!

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 21/09/2021 22:39

I'm not sure what he could have said that would be better? Sexy? Beautiful? I mean he could list your good qualities but if there's lots then it might have taken a while.

It is an old fashioned answer but give me someone who appreciates me as a person than some dreadful 'you're hot' type anyway.

What was the context? Serious or a bit silly? Was he aware that not saying what you wanted him to might result in you feeling irritated?

Willow231 · 21/09/2021 22:41

Better than what my husband's reason for marrying me was- to shut me up

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/09/2021 22:43

He loves you endlessly because of your qualities!

Takenoprisoner · 21/09/2021 22:45

I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily. It's similar to saying, 'things I love about you.'

Ex would say he loved me more than anything in the world, would happily die for me, would give me any organ I needed from his body, would wipe my bum in old age, and he was an abusive man. I no longer care much for flowery language.

CharityDingle · 21/09/2021 22:47

@BigSandyBalls2015

He sounds like doc Martin
I love Doc Martin! Ikwym though.Grin
Original poster
Rose916 · 21/09/2021 22:47

Ah thanks everyone x
I see now it was a good thing to say!

OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 21/09/2021 22:49

If I had actually scrutinised exH's good qualities (not many) vs bad qualities, rather than focussing on the passion/heady romance, I'd not have wasted 12 years being miserable.

I think there is a hell of a lot to be said for pragmatism in relationships

Jux · 21/09/2021 22:51

Good qualities last for life, are always there. He'll love you forever, in other words.

Takenoprisoner · 21/09/2021 22:52

@YourFinestPantaloons

If I had actually scrutinised exH's good qualities (not many) vs bad qualities, rather than focussing on the passion/heady romance, I'd not have wasted 12 years being miserable.

I think there is a hell of a lot to be said for pragmatism in relationships

Can't agree more.
SmallProvincial · 21/09/2021 22:54

@Naughtylittleflea

Apparently I’m the only person who doesn’t irritate him. I was quite pleased with that.
This is what I say about DH - I am deeply self-sufficient, impatient, and judgemental - so having a grown adult who I can be around 24/7/365 (thanks Lockdown) who I don't want to murder in their sleep, is a win.
Holskey · 21/09/2021 22:55

I think it's okay. I mean, surely you think he loves you? He wanted to marry you for your good attributes. Loving someone isn't a good enough reason to get married. You need the qualities he speaks of to make a good match.

Autumnscene · 21/09/2021 22:58

words are cheap, it’s how he treats you that count.

darklindor · 21/09/2021 23:00

What prompted him to tell you why he married you OP?

bluebell34567 · 21/09/2021 23:08

@Willow231

Better than what my husband's reason for marrying me was- to shut me up
GrinGrinGrin
MouseholeCat · 21/09/2021 23:09

Loving someone is an important part of marrying them, but you can definintely love someone who doesn't have good qualities and is not a good person to marry. So in a ways this is a great answer because it's based on a solid recognisance that he appreciates your qualities. Even if it lacks romance!

TheVanguardSix · 21/09/2021 23:11

I'll help you feel better, OP. Grin
I was in heart attack ICU, having been resuscitated earlier that day after a freak arterial tear while out walking. All crazy bells and whistles and near-death-experience(ish)!
Anyway, my husband walks into ICU later on that night and bursts into tears saying, "I realise that I do love you."
Even in my vomity, confused state, I was like Confused.
U. Wot. M8?
He DID say the word 'love', but context is everything.
I'd have liked to have heard that I have good qualities over the years from my STBX. He never really said anything like that. 'Good qualities' is a very practical, pragmatic, nice and tidy but surreptitiously huge compliment.

Anyway, I've got a two-hour meeting with my solicitor tomorrow. So I'm off to bed to prepare for my boxing match. Grin

PS: I've been in the UK for 25 years, but I still giggle at the excessive Britishness of some men. A number of good qualities is SOOO British, it gives me the bends! Grin

BaronessKareness · 21/09/2021 23:18

@Guineapigbridge

Mine actually did say ‘cos you’ve got lovely tits!’ To be fair, this was a running joke with us and I wasn’t offended😁

bananafish · 21/09/2021 23:23

“Mine said ‘because I didn’t want to marry anyone else’ “

But that sounds really romantic to me - like you’re the only person he ever considered marrying because he didn’t want any else permanently, until he met you.

It’s probably something I would say and DH would similarly be Hmm

😂

liddlelambsydivey · 21/09/2021 23:24

Some people are shy and feel awkward expressing emotions. It doesn't mean they don't feel them.

If someone shows me they love me, that means much more than the words they use to express their feelings, but I recognise that hearing the words can mean more to some than to others.

PattyPan · 21/09/2021 23:27

That sounds like something mine would say - meant in a sweet way. We’ll often say to each other ‘you’re the best’ or ‘you’re so good’ or ‘you’re made of such good things’ or something like that.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 21/09/2021 23:30

@BigSandyBalls2015

He sounds like doc Martin
Smile You're exactly right.

Is he just a reserved type, OP?

toconclude · 21/09/2021 23:31

@Rose916

Sigh. Just seems so unromantic doesn't it!
Romance is overrated and tends to fizzle out. Nowt wrong with good qualities, they last longer
Staffy1 · 21/09/2021 23:33

I would be quite pleased with that comment.

pooonastick · 21/09/2021 23:35

The great qualities that your husband referenced are the things that are going to serve you well over the course of a long marathon. Twenty years later, I look at my husband and really value things about him now that I didn't realise were so important at the time of getting together. He is kind, funny, has good family values , hard worker etc. I now realise that these are the important things. Of course we fancy each other and I have " great tits ".... I would be happy with this and if he treats you well , you are onto a winner!

Tubs11 · 21/09/2021 23:40

I think it's a sweet and level headed thing to say. Can imagine him walking down the street thinking of all your good qualities and going better marry her!