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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to get my ex’s opinion on a name?

103 replies

titako · 21/09/2021 09:05

I'm pregnant and due in December, me and my ex split up in July as he cheated, since then he hasn't once asked how me or baby are but has said he wants to be in his life.

I have a list of names that I like, and I'm leaning towards it, but I'm just wondering if I'll need my ex’s opinion? Baby will also be taking my last name.

OP posts:
Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 11:49

He did not leave
I kicked him out
Intolerable living with him. Intolerable.
Which sometimes makes forcing a smile and sucking things up… very very hard

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 11:50

As it would be for the op

ChargingBuck · 21/09/2021 12:19

@RevolvingPivot

Totally off point. I'm curious.

Do you have to have an ex at the birth?? I mean I know morally people may or may not but how about legally do you have to let them know?

My dh wasn't but not by choice.

Nope.

Your birth, your body, your choice.

Nobody gets to claim the event is about them other than the mother, baby, & health care team. Or it would be distinctly Handmaid's Tale, with the woman simply an incubator with no personal agency over who she wants, or does not want, at the birth.

BiBabbles · 21/09/2021 12:21

You don't need to and I wouldn't ask his opinions on the ones you have in mind. At most, as a pps suggested, I might ask if there any names he particularly liked or disliked in as casual way as possible, you're not obligated, but in a 'it might be nice to know' without giving yours for him to tear apart. If I was still close/more amicable to any of his relatives, I might ask them instead.

mummaelle · 21/09/2021 12:22

Since he hasn't asked to help choose a name I wouldn't.

ChargingBuck · 21/09/2021 12:26

@bg21

wow poor guy
Grin Grin Grin

Yeah, poor guy. So mean of OP to force him to cheat on his pregnant partner, & to prevent him from ever asking how she & his unborn child are doing ...

Really horrible of her to have wised up to the fact he'll use any request to discuss names as an attempt to control & undermine her. If only women like this would stay ignorant to some men's manipulation, huh? It would make the poor menz lives SO much easier ...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/09/2021 12:42

@Saladovercrispsanyday

He did not leave I kicked him out Intolerable living with him. Intolerable. Which sometimes makes forcing a smile and sucking things up… very very hard
And if he hadn’t been in contact with you since July, would you force a smile and suck it up? Your situation is comeptlely different. You’re infantilising OP’s ex and making it her responsibility to encourage a relationship it has been his choice to ignore.
Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 12:49

I would yes

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/09/2021 13:01

@Saladovercrispsanyday

I would yes
Again, this is basing your decision on the fact that he’s already established a relationship with his children. Op’s ex has done no such thing
MultiStorey · 21/09/2021 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blubberyboo · 21/09/2021 13:15

I wouldn’t give him any say in the name but this will raise other things to consider.

An unmarried father can only be named on certificate if he is present at the registration and signs. If he attends the registration to put his name on the certificate then it gives him opportunity into pressurising you in front of the registrar into giving baby his preferred name or surname, so my advice is to go alone and leave him off the birth certificate.
You can defo still claim child support regardless
When baby is born he might be extra nice to you to try an worm way in and end up leaving you single again some time later with a baby who has a different surname than you.

Also think about what you want at the birth. I know there is a great social expectation for fathers to be present at birth. Many women prefer to to it alone and that was the way it was always done in the past. There’s nothing to say he has to be there and you can defo say no. It’s a very intimate process and he has lost the right to be intimate with you and you need a birthing partner you can trust or none at all.

BringMeTea · 21/09/2021 13:22

Is this a joke? Of course not!

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 21/09/2021 13:26

Don't let him weasel his way onto the birth certificate OP or you risk years of heartache and stress.

Enko · 21/09/2021 13:40

Op if I were in your situation I would let him know baby "Jamie smith" arrived xx xx we are both well.

If you want to be nice you could add Would you like to pick a middle name ? However I would not give him an option for first names

ShushShushShush · 21/09/2021 13:43

As pp said, nah, fuck him. He didn't give you a choice when he cheated and then pissed off.

If he wants to be involved in the baby's upbringing in a supportive, loving and constructive way, then he is an adult who can take responsibility for this.

If, as I suspect, he's actually a selfish bastard who will tip up occasionally, complain that you've not done something the way he wanted, create a fuss and then fuck off again for an unspecified length of time leaving a small child confused. Then don't ask for his opinions as chances are, you won't like the answers. And then it becomes contentious. Which you can do without.

AndTime · 21/09/2021 13:50

I wouldn't let him choose and I wouldn't take him to register the birth either.

If he is bothered about being on the birth certificate he can apply to be added retrospectively but let him figure that out for himself.

MrsWooster · 21/09/2021 13:55

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. This isn’t the same as the baby taking your name, and it won’t affect his obligation to pay maintenance but it does mean you’re not giving him parental responsibility which he may well abuse later in your lives.

ajandjjmum · 21/09/2021 14:01

@Saladovercrispsanyday

You don’t have to

But you’re at a fork

He has hurt you badly BUT don’t make the next 20 years difficult for yourself.

Involve him early on and he will feel more involved and want to be more involved

Which ultimately will be in your child’s and YOUR interest

Not necessarily - although a positive involvement would be in both of their interests.

But I think all of us know/hear of fathers (and mothers) who have a very negative impact on their child's wellbeing.

Better no involvement that a half-hearted or destructive involvement.

RedMarauder · 21/09/2021 14:01

@RevolvingPivot

Totally off point. I'm curious.

Do you have to have an ex at the birth?? I mean I know morally people may or may not but how about legally do you have to let them know?

My dh wasn't but not by choice.

Until the baby is actually born the pregnant woman is the patient.

The pregnant woman, whether she is married or not, has the right to say who she does and doesn't want present at the birth.

Driftingblue · 21/09/2021 14:07

Given his lack of interest so far, I would go ahead and just choose a name. If he was trying to be more involved, I would say try to collaborate, but instead I would use it as an opportunity to show that you are setting boundaries.

Once the baby is born, provide him with some options for short, frequent visits. Since baby will be young these likely need to be with you present. If you know his work schedule you can suggest a couple of scenarios that you know will work for both you and him and let him pick one of them. If he fails to stick to the schedule, you don’t have to scramble to accommodate him. Basically, set it up to give him a chance to do the right thing and be a father to his child. He may actually follow-through. If he doesn’t, that is on him and at least you provided him the option.

RedMarauder · 21/09/2021 14:09

@MrsWooster

Don’t put him on the birth certificate. This isn’t the same as the baby taking your name, and it won’t affect his obligation to pay maintenance but it does mean you’re not giving him parental responsibility which he may well abuse later in your lives.
He can't be put on the birth certificate unless he turns up to register the birth with the OP anyway as they aren't married. It's simple enough not to tell the father when you are registering the baby as the OP has to make the appointment.

If he's actually interested in the baby there are ways he can be put on the birth certificate later. It's up to him to work it out how but it isn't hard.

Invisiblewoman1 · 21/09/2021 14:17

He’s capable of suggesting names to you and asking to talk about the name if he has any interest. You do not need to tell if he doesn’t show initiative. He does realise the baby will need a name so it’s on him to reach out if he’s interested. It’s not all on you to trip over yourself to include in

minatrina · 21/09/2021 14:28

@Invisiblewoman1

He’s capable of suggesting names to you and asking to talk about the name if he has any interest. You do not need to tell if he doesn’t show initiative. He does realise the baby will need a name so it’s on him to reach out if he’s interested. It’s not all on you to trip over yourself to include in
100% this. Do we imagine he hasn't realised the baby is going to have a name? If he wants to have a say on the name, he can reach out to you - not the other way around.
Machchchengo · 21/09/2021 14:43

If OP is in the situation where she needs to get child maintenance she’ll have zero change getting money from someone who isn’t on the birth certificate.

That's not true. My ds's father is not on his birth certificate and I receive CM. Paternity is assumed to be the man the claimant names unless they contest in which case they have to pay for a DNA test.

OP I had a baby in similar circumstances, no I did not ask his opinion on names. He also said he would be involved btw, he isn't.

Saddlesore · 21/09/2021 15:10

Could you tell him you're naming him after his brother? Or is there someone (famous or otherwise) who he really dislikes - and you could tell him that's the name you have chosen?