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Original poster

Do I need to get my ex’s opinion on a name?

103 replies

titako · 21/09/2021 09:05

I'm pregnant and due in December, me and my ex split up in July as he cheated, since then he hasn't once asked how me or baby are but has said he wants to be in his life.

I have a list of names that I like, and I'm leaning towards it, but I'm just wondering if I'll need my ex’s opinion? Baby will also be taking my last name.

OP posts:
Peanutsandchilli · 21/09/2021 10:21

I wouldn't be rushing to ask him, but he's the baby's father, regardless of how much of a twat he's been. Your child deserves a relationship with him and he needs to have some input into the baby's life. Ultimately, of course you don't have to ask him at all, but I wouldn't set a precedent for future decisions by disregarding him completely. Be the bigger person.

seaandsandcastles · 21/09/2021 10:21

He wants to be in his life, so yes, you should consult him. You’re equal parents.

TheAverageUser · 21/09/2021 10:22

Yes I think you should if he wants to be involved. It sort of sets the stage for how you'll parent together. If he doesn't care then that's something else but it's worth trying to start the journey parenting together collaboratively.

Notaroadrunner · 21/09/2021 10:22

@RevolvingPivot

Totally off point. I'm curious.

Do you have to have an ex at the birth?? I mean I know morally people may or may not but how about legally do you have to let them know?

My dh wasn't but not by choice.

No
Reduceddutiesboredom · 21/09/2021 10:23

Sorry, I should’ve said it makes it harder and takes longer to get CM* without being on the birth certificate.

2021Vision · 21/09/2021 10:24

I assume you are talking first name, then definitely no.

I would recommend (and hope) that you are giving the baby your surname OP. This will make life a lot easier for you. If you put his surname on the birth register and give the baby his surname you will:

  • have to get him to sign when you want to apply for a passport
  • need permission to take the baby overseas without him (via a letter from him)
  • will need to show a birth certificate when opening accounts etc for the baby as your name will be different to the babies.
  • everything the baby does will be in 'his' surname - school register, doctors etc.

At the very least I would give your surname, you will then have the same surname (a reason given often on mumsnet for changing their name on marriage), even if you are putting his name on the birth register. However as he's cheated and not interested why the hell would you!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/09/2021 10:29

I wouldn’t be consulting with someone who is going to have zero responsibility for my baby on what their name will be.
He’s saying he wants to be a part of their life but, he’s already showing that he isn’t and won’t be. No contact since July is a really long time. He should be in regular contact and checking what support he can provide both materially and emotionally.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/09/2021 10:30

@seaandsandcastles

He wants to be in his life, so yes, you should consult him. You’re equal parents.
He’s not been in contact since July. How is that equal?
ZoyaTheDestroyer · 21/09/2021 10:31

@2021Vision

I assume you are talking first name, then definitely no.

I would recommend (and hope) that you are giving the baby your surname OP. This will make life a lot easier for you. If you put his surname on the birth register and give the baby his surname you will:

  • have to get him to sign when you want to apply for a passport
  • need permission to take the baby overseas without him (via a letter from him)
  • will need to show a birth certificate when opening accounts etc for the baby as your name will be different to the babies.
  • everything the baby does will be in 'his' surname - school register, doctors etc.

At the very least I would give your surname, you will then have the same surname (a reason given often on mumsnet for changing their name on marriage), even if you are putting his name on the birth register. However as he's cheated and not interested why the hell would you!

The last sentence of the OP states that baby will be given the mother’s last name.
pianolessons1 · 21/09/2021 10:31

No and don't put him on the birth certificate - gives him control over you for 18 years and sounds like he will relish that.

JingsMahBucket · 21/09/2021 10:34

@seaandsandcastles

He wants to be in his life, so yes, you should consult him. You’re equal parents.
No he doesn’t. He hasn’t asked how the OP and baby are faring at all. Can you read properly?
sloutside · 21/09/2021 10:40

No, he can fuck off.

CoronaPeroni · 21/09/2021 10:52

@bg21

wow poor guy
Hi dad to be. I'd be livid as well if the child doesn't have your surname.
Rannva · 21/09/2021 10:53

Of course not. An ex is an ex. Don't think of him or contact him.

waterSpider · 21/09/2021 10:53

Even if you were still together with the Dad, you carry the baby and you do the labour; you get the final call on the name (although of course you might choose to ask others’ opinions).

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 10:54

You don’t have to

But you’re at a fork

He has hurt you badly BUT don’t make the next 20 years difficult for yourself.

Involve him early on and he will feel more involved and want to be more involved

Which ultimately will be in your child’s and YOUR interest

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 21/09/2021 10:58

I think you should choose the name, OP. But if you are feeling you should consult him, maybe you could ask him for suggestions for a middle name.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/09/2021 10:58

@Saladovercrispsanyday

You don’t have to

But you’re at a fork

He has hurt you badly BUT don’t make the next 20 years difficult for yourself.

Involve him early on and he will feel more involved and want to be more involved

Which ultimately will be in your child’s and YOUR interest

His involvement is not her responsibility to encourage or make happen. He’s a grown man. He’s made the decision to ignore her and the baby for months.
JingsMahBucket · 21/09/2021 11:01

@Saladovercrispsanyday

You don’t have to

But you’re at a fork

He has hurt you badly BUT don’t make the next 20 years difficult for yourself.

Involve him early on and he will feel more involved and want to be more involved

Which ultimately will be in your child’s and YOUR interest

That’s really naive and creepily patriarchal.
PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 11:06

@Reduceddutiesboredom

Sorry, I should’ve said it makes it harder and takes longer to get CM* without being on the birth certificate.
Not necessarily, my ex never disputed paternity. So it won’t necessarily be harder.
BlackeyedSusan · 21/09/2021 11:09

give baby your surname (makes life a lot easier)

choose a name.

perhaps ask ex if he has any thoughts on names and use for a middle name?

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 11:19

* His involvement is not her responsibility to encourage or make happen.*
He’s a grown man. He’s made the decision to ignore her and the baby for months.

A very simplistic way of looking at the issue and one I suspect from someone who is not separated from other parent

I am a single parent.

I have a very good relationship with my ex, which is absolutely wonderful for my children. We take them out for their birthdays, so Christmas plays etc together, attend parents evenings together. Our children do not feel like a tug of war.

And from MY perspective, my ex never causes an issue with maintenance and will adapt quickly if I need support (ie I’ll) and vice versa

Is he sometimes a dick? Yes. Do I force a smile? Yes. Why? Because it is Interest of my children AND chances are im goin to ask him to if he can leave work early to collect youngest for a dentist appointment, or take eldest to take shoe shoes, or im not feeling well so can he take them for the weekend etc

It’s in interests of everyone potentially

TheRebelle · 21/09/2021 11:23

I think I’d tell him the name in advance for two reasons, one to be the bigger person and two in case there is some reason you shouldn’t use the name, like it’s the name of a family member he hates, you wouldn’t want your child to have the same name as his father’s uncle who’s in prison for murder, for example.

MadinMarch · 21/09/2021 11:38

@Saladovercrispsanyday

I suspect the father of your children didn't leve when you were pregnant with your children though? Or take issue with everything for the sake of it as Op's ex seems to?
It can be a very different dynamic when the man walks out during pregnancy and shows no interest whatsoever.
This man has done nothing so far to indicate that he wants to be in this child's life, and that's why people are giving the advice they are.
Having said that, he may step up once the child is born, out of curiosity initially at least. In this situation, I'd certainly want to see committment and a sense of responsibility coming from him, rather than coercing him (or making it very convenient to him, at my own expense) into it.

Flowerlane · 21/09/2021 11:44

I broke up with my child’s father when I was 6 months pregnant. I picked my child’s name his father didn’t like it he actually hated it but tough i loved it and had been through shit with him and my pregnancy he still signed the birth certificate.

Child has my last name also.