Partner wants to take our child on holiday without me

[NoFrills01]

My partners family are over sea's from door to door it's a 15+ hour journey including flight then car journey.

He is missing his family terribly, hasn't seen them for 3 years due to the pandemic. I have been supportive and I speak with his family nearly every other day sending
Grandparents pics, videos, sending gifts ect, and trying to boost him as much as I can. I support us going over but not separately....read on and you will see why!

The other night he told me he is booking off the 6 week holiday next year come what may and going, I can only get 2 weeks off so he said I can either come later so we all travel back together or not come at all....

He said it will be good for our child, however....myself and my child who is 5 have never been separated, I don't think my child will cope well on the long haul flight wearing a mask and going without me, we are very close and we are never apart.

Our child is currently dealing with a stress induced stutter from returning to school, and our child is very shy, I fear that a new country away from home for 6 weeks and away from me isnt fair and I actually told him its cruel....plus his brother is on the sex offenders list and lives yep downstairs in the basement of his Mothers house. During our blazing row I said why would you even stay in the same house without me, with him downstairs...his answer "he wont come up". NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I suggested he goes for 2 weeks first, then myself and our child fly out for 2 weeks and then we all travel back together. 2 weeks is better than nothing! We usually have a big party when we are there and we can see everyone. We dont need to isolate just test.

They will both need a week or so to recover and get ready for school again in September anyway to get over the jet lag.

Not a chance. He can do whatever he likes, but I wouldn't let the child to go for so long without you at such a young age. That all is not even considering the sex offender downstairs. If it was an offense of a serious nature I wouldn't consider going there at all. His parents can come and visit you instead

I think your idea is great - then your (horrible) partner gets to see his family uninterrupted and with no responsibilities for two weeks.

Then you two fly out and you are there to actually care for your child in a foreign country and culture for a whole two weeks.

Then you get the hell home! Maybe leave dp there a bit longer.

I assume you won't be staying in the flat above the paedophile?

Yanbu. Your plan is a very sensible compromise. 6 weeks is a long time for a child to be away from their primary caregiver, even without the issue of the sex offender downstairs.

Hell would freeze over before I would allow my 5 year old child to share a house with a registered sex offender, even for one night.
Make sure you have your child’s passport in your possession.

6 weeks is too long.
I think the 4 weeks is a good compromise - but possibly with your child going for the full 4 weeks too? How about you all go out, on flexible plane tickets. Then you make a decision as to if your child stays for a further 2 weeks, or plane ticket changed to come back with you?
In years gone by, DH had (significantly) more leave than me, and he has taken the kids to his extended family for 2 weeks at a time (I've stayed in the UK the whole time). The kids have had a fabulous time. Yes, not done the way I'd have done it, but a great time was had by all every time they went.
Then, when living abroad, I have also brought the kids back to the UK for upto a month without him.
However, we dont have the added complication of the brother living below the accomadation. That would be my only concern, if you can shrink down the 6 weeks.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your suggestion is a very fair compromise.

Please make sure you book to stay somewhere away from your in-laws’ home.

For me it's absolutely nothing to do with the distance and time apart - I wouldn't let him take my child 5 minutes away if a sex offender lives there.
I'd be cutting contact with his parents to be honest, and certainly wouldn't be sending them pictures and videos of your child if his sex offender brother lives under their roof!!!!

He's his father and I assume loves him and protects him as you do?

How about he stay the extra two weeks alone - then he gets 6 weeks, you get 2 weeks abs your son 4 weeks.

6 weeks is way too long and I can't imagine that good for a child with no down time, expected to change all routine to fit the other family and then to have to come back to school straight away.
I think let your partner go for the 6 weeks, and you and your child go midway for 2 weeks and come back alone. Leave him to it.

@RedHelenB

He's his father and I assume loves him and protects him as you do?

I’d say no, he doesn’t, because she wouldn’t be staying in a house with a sex offender with their child. So that’s put paid to this argument. The end. We don’t have to hear it 86 more times on this thread, hopefully.

@RedHelenB

He's his father and I assume loves him and protects him as you do?

Did you miss the part about his sex offender brother living in the same property that he wants to take their young child to live in for six weeks?

I’m guessing so, because with that fact in mind you can’t equate caring for a child with this insanity and dereliction of duty of care

Full agreement with PPs about your partner going for the full 6 weeks with you and your young child joining for a fortnight. And I'd be saying that even without the sex offender in the basement.

@Lordamighty

Hell would freeze over before I would allow my 5 year old child to share a house with a registered sex offender, even for one night. Make sure you have your child’s passport in your possession.

This.

Not a single chance, ever.

Long haul, nervous child, have never been separated before, sex offender in close proximity.

The parents can come to you if they're that desperate.

The sex offender is the single reason I wouldn't allow this.

Generally I don't see why a parent cannot take their child away to family for the summer (you see it recommended all the time here when the mother wants to go abroad with her kids to see family - everyone backs her).

And it's a bit odd that in 5years you and your son haven't been apart. He and his father should have spent time alone by now.

BUT. All of this is irrelevant due to the BIL.

You need to work on their time alone here.

A 5 year old should be as comfortable with his dad as with his mum.

You are doing him a diservice if you dont encourage that.

See what next summer bring, having encouraged the child to interact with dad more,

Dad goes for a week , you join with child for 2 weeks, then you fly back, leaving chid with dad for 3rd week.

Goes without saying he stays elsewhere

I wouldn’t be going at all if there’s a sex offender living there!

All of it OK until the sex offender brother.
Your suggestion is a generous compromise. Don't shift.

I would have said that the 4 week plan was the best one until you mentioned the brother and I’m afraid I wouldn’t feel comfy with him being in the same home as him at all

Are you in a position to help his parents come over for a few weeks over summer instead to cut out the brother issue?

I wouldn’t go at all if there’s a known sex offender- I’d seriously question your partner who thinks it’s safe enough for his child to trust a sex offender “won’t come upstairs”- hell fucking no!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

The sex offender is the single reason I wouldn't allow this.

Generally I don't see why a parent cannot take their child away to family for the summer (you see it recommended all the time here when the mother wants to go abroad with her kids to see family - everyone backs her).

And it's a bit odd that in 5years you and your son haven't been apart. He and his father should have spent time alone by now.

BUT. All of this is irrelevant due to the BIL.

Agree with this

Is it child sexual offences? The Brother situation depends on the circumstances.

@Anothermothernamegame, the parents could have him there to monitor him. They might be willing to report anything that they think could be a sign of re-offending. People on the sexual offences register have to live somewhere. This situation is protecting everyone.

OP, your suggestion is the best. Is your child on a plan? Those working with him could also point out that this wouldn't be in his best interests. Then it's about following their advice.

Take out a prohibited steps order and hide the passport. This is weird behaviour and the way he has dictated to you is not normal or ok. Are you sure he’s planning on coming back? If your child is out there and he decides to finish your relationship while he’s out there then you won’t get your child back without spending thousands on legal fees.
If I was you I’d say “I do not agree with this. These are my summer hols too and I want to spend some uk time during the nice weather with our child. You are demanding all of the holidays. That is not fair or reasonable. My compromise is that you go for two weeks then I will bring our child out for a week to see your parents. You can then come back whenever you want. Your parents don’t have the right to spend more of the summer hols with my child than I do” see what he says. Put it in writing. I’m sorry to say that his steamrollering does not bode well and if he’s not willing to think well of you or consider yours or your child’s feelings/best interests then you need to have a serious think if this can continue. Do not let him take the child overseas without you.

No way would I be agreeing to this in any way shape or form and thats before you come on to the fact his brother is a sex offender