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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to take our child on holiday without me

104 replies

NoFrills01 · 21/09/2021 08:42

My partners family are over sea's from door to door it's a 15+ hour journey including flight then car journey.

He is missing his family terribly, hasn't seen them for 3 years due to the pandemic. I have been supportive and I speak with his family nearly every other day sending
Grandparents pics, videos, sending gifts ect, and trying to boost him as much as I can. I support us going over but not separately....read on and you will see why!

The other night he told me he is booking off the 6 week holiday next year come what may and going, I can only get 2 weeks off so he said I can either come later so we all travel back together or not come at all....

He said it will be good for our child, however....myself and my child who is 5 have never been separated, I don't think my child will cope well on the long haul flight wearing a mask and going without me, we are very close and we are never apart.

Our child is currently dealing with a stress induced stutter from returning to school, and our child is very shy, I fear that a new country away from home for 6 weeks and away from me isnt fair and I actually told him its cruel....plus his brother is on the sex offenders list and lives yep downstairs in the basement of his Mothers house. During our blazing row I said why would you even stay in the same house without me, with him downstairs...his answer "he wont come up". NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I suggested he goes for 2 weeks first, then myself and our child fly out for 2 weeks and then we all travel back together. 2 weeks is better than nothing! We usually have a big party when we are there and we can see everyone. We dont need to isolate just test.

They will both need a week or so to recover and get ready for school again in September anyway to get over the jet lag.

OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 21/09/2021 13:33
Mantlemoose · 21/09/2021 13:39

Given the brother situation I would be going at all however if that wasn't the case I would have no issues with either parent taking their child away for this period of time.

ShushShushShush · 21/09/2021 13:48

[quote ImprobablePuffin]

Charlene91 · 21/09/2021 14:20

@cadent

OP is happy to go with her DP. So, do you not think that, if the BIL were a danger to the child, she wouldn't even consider it? 🙄

Nobody said anything about minimising, but I highly doubt the BIL is a paedophile if OP is willing to let the child into the house at all.

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 19:28

Is it child sexual offences? The Brother situation depends on the circumstances.

This is a decent point. Are the offences to do with children or adults? I mean, I wouldn’t want to spend any time with anyone who has been found guilty of sexual offences so it would be a no from me, but his situation would surely only be relevant here if he were a specific risk to the child.

DamnUserName21 · 21/09/2021 19:35

Need more info.
Why is BIL on sex reg? Molesting a child or snogging a 16 year old....context is everything.
I like your idea a lot but if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to take you DC back to your own country for a lengthy visit? It's not a different rule for fathers. Sometimes, some mothers disenfranchise the fathers of their children...

Fleetw00d · 21/09/2021 20:06

Not a chance in hell would I allow my child in the same house as a sex offender (potentially if it was one of those he was 18 she was 15 but looked 17 and lied sort of thing). Tbh I would be judging my partner for not disowning his brother for it and being willing to take his own child into the same house. I wouldn't go or let my child go, but at the very least don't let him go without you.

Amiwronghere · 21/09/2021 23:07

I’m sorry, what? Your husband wants to take your child to a sex offenders house without you there?

Mostlylurkingiam · 22/09/2021 06:17

The sex offender thing is obviously the main issue. But I worry you can't go a few weeks not seeing your child, especially these days with calls video etc. That sound very unhealthy "we're never apart" that is not good, you need to start spending time making your child more independent from you, they aren't a baby!!

Frannibananni · 22/09/2021 06:23

@RedHelenB

He's his father and I assume loves him and protects him as you do?
No way ever my brother would even get a glimpse of my child if he was a sex offender. That’s the protection I provide.
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/09/2021 06:28

@BoredZelda

Is it child sexual offences? The Brother situation depends on the circumstances.

This is a decent point. Are the offences to do with children or adults? I mean, I wouldn’t want to spend any time with anyone who has been found guilty of sexual offences so it would be a no from me, but his situation would surely only be relevant here if he were a specific risk to the child.

He could either br a risk to the child, or a risk to op.

Theres no way Id agree to this. Op’s suggestions is a very generous compromise, given the brother is a sex offender. But even that would be a no for me.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/09/2021 06:29

Im also curious about your partner’s general attitude towards parenting.

maddy68 · 22/09/2021 06:35

Your plan is a good one. But in all fairness so is your husband's. He's a father and presumably capable of looking after his own child?

The fact your husband has missed his family for 3 years makes your 4 weeks without yours slightly insignificant in comparison.

If you really can't be away from them then go for the two weeks and compromise

spotcheck · 22/09/2021 06:38

It's important for your child to spend time with other members of the family, but...

Six weeks doesn't give him anytime to unwind after the trip.
As for the BIL yes, context is important. Are they in a country where being gay is an offence? Did he snog a 15 year old when he was 18? Or did he rape a child? Context is important.

Taking that out of the equation though, six weeks is too long. However, it sounds like doing something to gain some confidence may be beneficial for your child. A trip without you ( a shorter trip) might be just the thing.

RazorSharp · 22/09/2021 06:54

In fairness my mum used to do this with me in the summer holidays. We wound go to Ireland and I've very fond memories of long summers their. Dad would come to "collect" us.

However the sec offender in the house, means this is a definite no,

EasterIssland · 22/09/2021 06:55

Few weeks ago I was in another thread in mn. The mum wanted to take the child for a few weeks without the dad , which the dad wasn’t happy with. The general consent was she should go and ignore the manipulative dad.

So based on that I think in this case the dad should be able to take the child abroad as well …

Are you concern about the safety of your son or about you missing him ?

OverByYer · 22/09/2021 06:59

The only issue for me is the sex offender in the basement. I wouldn’t allow my child to stay in the same house. By nature sex offenders are devious, no matter what you put in place.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/09/2021 07:02

Are the people who wouldn't have a concern as he is the father, not wondering what sort of father he is if he has never had the child alone in five years?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/09/2021 07:07

Overall... Absolutely no to the sex offender brother in law...

And even if the family insist it was the brother in law mistaking for example a 15 Yr old for 16 in an over 18s club?

Would you believe them??

Families frequently minimise the offence or believe the offender's narrative. Have seen this many, many times.

Even if he was staying elsewhere... HOW would he insure the brother in law comes no where near your child?? Even if he's in a different room, during the day... How can anyone be absolutely a 100 per cent sure, that he isn't in a hallway or going in /out of a bathroom when your small child needs the loo for example.

'Supervising' any sex offenders around vulberable people is a skilled job... Normal public just don't notice enough...

Given this... My child would only be going with me and staying elsewhere

thepinknecklace · 22/09/2021 07:08

@twoandeights

This is exactly what I thought. I’d be concerned he was planning on keeping the kid out there.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 22/09/2021 07:18

YANBU in the slightest. Your partner sounds hugely controlling too. I would not agree to this with or without sex offender in the same house. As others have said I would be concerned that he was planning to keep the child out there, stand your ground!

Cherrysoup · 22/09/2021 07:20

A sex offender in the basement?! Just no.

CheapFoodShits · 22/09/2021 07:41

I was about to say a gentle YABU until the brother came into it. Absolutely fucking not. How could he even contemplate taking your child into the same house as a sex offender?? Nope, nope, nope.

reluctantbrit · 22/09/2021 07:56

First I thought why not, I would assume that most dads will love spending a long holiday with their child. DH took DD away as our parents also live overseas and they had a blast of time.

But - 6 weeks will leave no time for return to school routine and settling back.

And - the brother would be an absolute no-go. Sorry, even if he is not into children I would still have an issue.

I think your compromise sounds good, my DH loves going to see his parents alone (ok, Europe so going for a couple of days are not too bad for travel).

I find it a bit strange that you think your child wouldn't be. ok with a flight just with DH but ok with you. What's so much of a difference unless you don't trust him to look after your child.

gogohm · 22/09/2021 08:35

Without the sex offender situation I was erring on you being unreasonable, suggesting a compromise of 4 weeks, they fly on 2 weeks ahead of you but unless the uncle is in a completely separate dwelling eg separate apartment happens to be in the same block I would be wary about staying there even together

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