Partner wants to take our child on holiday without me

[NoFrills01]

My partners family are over sea's from door to door it's a 15+ hour journey including flight then car journey.

He is missing his family terribly, hasn't seen them for 3 years due to the pandemic. I have been supportive and I speak with his family nearly every other day sending
Grandparents pics, videos, sending gifts ect, and trying to boost him as much as I can. I support us going over but not separately....read on and you will see why!

The other night he told me he is booking off the 6 week holiday next year come what may and going, I can only get 2 weeks off so he said I can either come later so we all travel back together or not come at all....

He said it will be good for our child, however....myself and my child who is 5 have never been separated, I don't think my child will cope well on the long haul flight wearing a mask and going without me, we are very close and we are never apart.

Our child is currently dealing with a stress induced stutter from returning to school, and our child is very shy, I fear that a new country away from home for 6 weeks and away from me isnt fair and I actually told him its cruel....plus his brother is on the sex offenders list and lives yep downstairs in the basement of his Mothers house. During our blazing row I said why would you even stay in the same house without me, with him downstairs...his answer "he wont come up". NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I suggested he goes for 2 weeks first, then myself and our child fly out for 2 weeks and then we all travel back together. 2 weeks is better than nothing! We usually have a big party when we are there and we can see everyone. We dont need to isolate just test.

They will both need a week or so to recover and get ready for school again in September anyway to get over the jet lag.

yeah if the OP says it's not fine then it's not fine. there has to be agreement/compromise between 2 parents, regardless of circumstances which ..yep ...don't sound ideal

Yes also makes a difference what country it is! Going to, say, France is a bit different to a country that either doesn’t return children taken abroad by fathers (worst case scenario obviously) or that has a very lax regime of dealing with sex offences against women and children.

Can we all stop going on about the sex offender before even knowing what he done, please? He could literally have urinated in public and been put on the sex offenders register, stop jumping to conclusions.

OP, how serious was his offence?

I personally wouldn't be able to leave my DC for 4 weeks, no chance. Then again, my DC is only 1, so I don't know how I'll feel in 4 years time, so I can't give advice there I'm afraid.

No way. Just no way. Seriously I'd even ask if it's likely he'd try and stay there with your DC. Usually I wouldn't, but anyone who would have their child in the same house as a sex offender is not a good parent. The only way I'd be going would be all of us together and in accommodation away from the brother. But that's only the idea I can say you should go with if you're going to go. Because I wouldn't want to be with a man who still socialised with a sex offender, brother or anyone, and I wouldn't want to be with a man who would even think about taking our child to stay with him. Then there's the grandparents to look at, because they're letting the man still live with them, so obviously don't care about what he's done (or they don't care enough to not want him in their house). So what sort of family are they, and what sort of thoughts do they have about his victims? Is this a country where your in-laws are talked about for letting him stay there, or is it a country where womens and children's rights just arent that important and no one cares that the neighbours have got their abusive son living with them? Because that would again be important in whether you should be letting your child go to this country and see your in-laws. So don't go, or if you have to go then go together as a family for the two weeks (but in accommodation away from their house, and don't go to the house) and DP can either come back with you or stay there for a bit longer (but if he does and is socialising with his brother I wouldn't want him back) (and I'd be hiding your sons passport and make sure that it's a country where if you both take your son and then his father tries to say you can't leave with him that you actually can).

Depends on several things. My DH had family abroad and so do I. We have both travelled without each other with our DD - oddly enough the first time I went alone with 5month old dd was to see his family so they could meet daughter as he couldn’t get leave and o was on mat leave. I would not expect him to stop me taking daughter to see my family so I won’t stop him however:

1. I trust and love his family (so much so I went without him to stay with them, they are the nominated parents for DD if we both die)
2. family live in a country with similar values and legal system to UK so international abduction without extradition very unlikely 3)No sex offenders!!! Depending on the country does (not D)BIL not have conditons that prevent him being anywhere near children? Would only agree if staying no where near BIL and BIL had no contact

@Charlene91

Can we all stop going on about the sex offender before even knowing what he done, please? He could literally have urinated in public and been put on the sex offenders register, stop jumping to conclusions.

OP, how serious was his offence?

I personally wouldn't be able to leave my DC for 4 weeks, no chance. Then again, my DC is only 1, so I don't know how I'll feel in 4 years time, so I can't give advice there I'm afraid.

So we should minimise it like you are?

OP doesn't want her child near this man and even her partner says his brother won't be allowed near the child, so I doubt it's a case of public urination.

Keep your beautiful child's passport close. Or at a close friends house. Are you married? What country is he planning on going to? This may change the view somewhat

I asked about the country as in some countries being a paedophile or sex offender is hidden by the men and brushed over as being unimportant

You’ve come up with a compromise however for me the brother is the issue. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my child.

YABU

I have a similar situation and I have gone away on my own with the dcs and wo DH since they were born. Tbh I would expected your DP to have done the same a long time agao.
Your DP family is also your dc's familyand I don't think it's right to stop him from going to see them. Sorry....

YAalsoU about the brother. Whether you are there or not, he would still be there and you are still happy to soend time qith your dc in the house with him around. So 1- I think YABU to ensivage staying there and 2- that's clearly not the main issue for you.

So yes it's hard to be sparate from your dc blablabla. On the other side, you had a child with someone whose family is abroad. What did you expect??

@TintinIsBack I think you’re speaking from the perspective that this is someone else’s child and therefore not your problem.

Of course OP wants to protect her child from a sex offender. Wouldn’t you?

Of course OP wants to protect her child from a sex offender. Wouldn’t you?

I agree @Cadent but the OP has no issue going there with the brother around so it's clearly not the issue for her..... The issue is to be separated from her child for 6 weeks with no regard for how it feels to her DP and her child who doesn't have the opportunity to see half of his family.

If the OP had said "i am not happy for them to stay in the same house because of the brother' or something along those lines, then I would have wholeheartidly agreed.

@kateg27

You haven't said what the sex offences are for? There's a massive difference between a man convicted of touching a women's bottom without consent and a man convicted of intercourse with a minor. Some better information would be helpful.

There's also a difference between being on the register for sex with a minor and being a paedophile. 15 yr old girls/boys are a very different offence to 5 yr olds, in this situation. (This is in no way undermining the seriousness of the offence, but someone grooming a 15 yr old is not a paedophile in the traditional sense.)

On its own YABU. As his father, your DP has every right to take the child on holiday just as much as you do. I assume he’s at school, so you have been apart.

However, with the BIL in the picture YANBU.

It didn't take long for the term 'sex offender' to be changed to paedophile I see.

I agree no constructive advice can be given about BIL until we know the offence. There are a myriad of reasons one could end up on the register (obviously none of those are great but many of them won't pose a risk to a child and will be related to something completely different.)

Of course if OP comes back and actually clarifies the offences are to do with children then the trip would be a no go, we just can't assume though.

My 5yr old spends loads of quality 1 on 1 time with her dad and she'd still not want to leave me for 6 weeks nor would he dream of trying to make her.
Your idea sounds ideal, your husband needs to start considering his child in all this and how they might cope, not just blindly assuming they'll be ok.
Re the sex offender, HELL NO! He would not be allowed anywhere near my child and i would want to be there to supervise at all times. Ideally i'd stay in a hotel with child to keep the distance from that scumbag.

I started reading, as others have said, thinking I’d have no problem with the holiday to see family (could you wangle 3 weeks off and join for half the time maybe?) but then I got to the sex offender in the basement…WTF? I’d insist your partner takes his child to stay elsewhere!

Ummm, I have very close family abroad (my parents) whom l’ve not seen for two years, and there’s no way I’d take my daughter away from her father for several weeks to spend time with them. Also no chance I’d go away without her. OP is not preventing her son from seeing the family. She is offering 2 weeks, which is plenty.
Also, I can give a bit of a different perspective here- my mother was away from me for long stretches as a child for a number of reasons (work, study etc) . It was traumatic for me and I’ve struggled with abandonment fears all my life.
OP I rarely say things like this, but hang on to your son’s passport. Seriously.

The sex offender is the single reason I wouldn't allow this.

Generally I don't see why a parent cannot take their child away to family for the summer (you see it recommended all the time here when the mother wants to go abroad with her kids to see family - everyone backs her).

And it's a bit odd that in 5years you and your son haven't been apart. He and his father should have spent time alone by now.

BUT. All of this is irrelevant due to the BIL.

^THIS 110%. I’ve taken my DD alone on a long haul flight to see my family, DH joined for a limited time due to work constraints. I’d be incredulous at the suggestion I couldn’t and because I’m not a hypocrite I would be equally happy for the situation to be reversed. But that’s all irrelevant because in this scenario the child’s father wants to take them to stay in the same property as a sex offender. I personally wouldn’t be visiting the parents at all, and I wouldn’t allow my child to go there, EVER.

@ImprobablePuffin

It didn't take long for the term 'sex offender' to be changed to paedophile I see.

I agree no constructive advice can be given about BIL until we know the offence. There are a myriad of reasons one could end up on the register (obviously none of those are great but many of them won't pose a risk to a child and will be related to something completely different.)

Of course if OP comes back and actually clarifies the offences are to do with children then the trip would be a no go, we just can't assume though.

Yes but presumably as a woman OP wouldn't want to be anywhere near the brother either, never mind allow unsupervised (by her), access to her child.

My BIL is a convicted criminal. Assault, criminal damage, drunk and disorderly to name a few. Just because he's never physically harmed a child doesn't mean I'd allow my small DS anywhere near him, because he's an unsafe person and it's my duty to keep my DS safe.

@EarlGreywithLemon well for me, two weeks with my family after not seeing them for 2 years isn’t enough.

It just shows how different people ate happy different things. It’s not because you (or the op who probably has seen her own parents and family much more) think 2 weeks is enoughbthat her dp has to be ok with that.

I wouldn't take my child to stay in the same house as a sex offender nor would I stay in the same house as one.

TintinIsBack but the OP is also within her rights to think 4-6 weeks away from her is too long. And she’s the child’s mother. And how about the child? The OP says he is anxious and will find it difficult. Why do his needs have to come second to his father’s family’s? Surely his father should be prioritising his feelings. He isn’t a performing monkey that can be wheeled around to please his father and his family ( including the sex offender brother in law)

To which I would add , the OP is not preventing her partner from staying there for longer than two weeks if that isn’t enough for him!

@TintinIsBack

Of course OP wants to protect her child from a sex offender. Wouldn’t you?

I agree @Cadent but the OP has no issue going there with the brother around so it's clearly not the issue for her..... The issue is to be separated from her child for 6 weeks with no regard for how it feels to her DP and her child who doesn't have the opportunity to see half of his family.

If the OP had said "i am not happy for them to stay in the same house because of the brother' or something along those lines, then I would have wholeheartidly agreed.

I'm inclined to agree with this tbh.

OP is happy to go and stay in the house with her child and the sex register BIL for 2 weeks. If that was the main concern, I'd imagine she'd insist on staying somewhere else.

I think the issue is being separated from her child for 4 weeks, which I do understand would be very difficult.