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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to take our child on holiday without me

104 replies

NoFrills01 · 21/09/2021 08:42

My partners family are over sea's from door to door it's a 15+ hour journey including flight then car journey.

He is missing his family terribly, hasn't seen them for 3 years due to the pandemic. I have been supportive and I speak with his family nearly every other day sending
Grandparents pics, videos, sending gifts ect, and trying to boost him as much as I can. I support us going over but not separately....read on and you will see why!

The other night he told me he is booking off the 6 week holiday next year come what may and going, I can only get 2 weeks off so he said I can either come later so we all travel back together or not come at all....

He said it will be good for our child, however....myself and my child who is 5 have never been separated, I don't think my child will cope well on the long haul flight wearing a mask and going without me, we are very close and we are never apart.

Our child is currently dealing with a stress induced stutter from returning to school, and our child is very shy, I fear that a new country away from home for 6 weeks and away from me isnt fair and I actually told him its cruel....plus his brother is on the sex offenders list and lives yep downstairs in the basement of his Mothers house. During our blazing row I said why would you even stay in the same house without me, with him downstairs...his answer "he wont come up". NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I suggested he goes for 2 weeks first, then myself and our child fly out for 2 weeks and then we all travel back together. 2 weeks is better than nothing! We usually have a big party when we are there and we can see everyone. We dont need to isolate just test.

They will both need a week or so to recover and get ready for school again in September anyway to get over the jet lag.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2021 09:42

@RedHelenB

He's his father and I assume loves him and protects him as you do?
Well given he’s happy to take the child to stay in the same house as a sex offender Im thinking not
twoandeights · 21/09/2021 09:43

Oh and there is no way your child stays overnight or alone in a house with a sex offender. This is why you need the prohibited steps order

Cadent · 21/09/2021 09:43

You had me at sex offender.

YANBU. I’d be hiding the passport and telling him you will call the police if he attempts to take child away.

MarshmallowSwede · 21/09/2021 09:43

My child wouldn’t be going anywhere and staying in the same house with a sex offender.

As long as the BIL is there then I wouldn’t slow my child there. And I would tell my husband that’s why this is not allowed and I would tell both MIL AND HUSBAND not to ask again for this visit.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/09/2021 09:45

Good grief just no.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/09/2021 09:46

I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with the long holiday, but sex offender brother??? No way.

Mombie2021 · 21/09/2021 09:47

YADNBU - a sex offender in the same house as your child? Absolutely fucking not. Never.

LittleMysSister · 21/09/2021 09:50

What is the brother on the register for? Is it related to children?

Aside from that, I do think it's a difficult one. It must have been really hard for your husband to not see his family for so long and I can completely understand why he wants your child to see them, but equally 6 weeks is a really long time to be away. Especially when 4 weeks will be away from you and you would potentially not see your child for that long.

Would he maybe compromise and do two trips during the year instead of just the one long one? Or could you speak to your work to get special permission for longer time off? You might be able to get 3 weeks at least. Could you take some time unpaid if necessary in order to be off longer than 2 weeks?

Brainwave89 · 21/09/2021 10:21

So I was born overseas, and at 18 months, I did take my child back to my birth country for six weeks. My DH was supportive, joined us after a few weeks and it was really good. Family made a huge fuss of DS and it is still talked about. So it can be done, and could be useful in principle.....Now to the registered sex offender... there is no chance my small child would ever be in the same room as a relative on this register., and there is no way ever I would allow my partner to take my child to this house wherever it was.. the fact he said the brother will not come up, shows naivety on a very significant scale.

Snoken · 21/09/2021 10:23

I can sympathise with your partner, my family is also abroad and I have only just now been able to see them after two years apart. It nearly broke me not being able to see them and I have decided I need to move back home within the next couple of years as I am so miserable not being able to spend time with them.

However, taking your child for 6 weeks by himself is not reasonable. I think either your suggestion or that he stays there by himself for two weeks, then all of you for two weeks, and finally him by himself again for two weeks sounds the most reasonable. That way he gets his 6 weeks with his family too.

Magicstars · 21/09/2021 10:27

Please do not let your child stay with, or go anywhere near their Sex offender uncle. This does not sit comfortably at all that dad is even considering it.
Protect your child at all costs.

TheAverageUser · 21/09/2021 10:32

You have plenty of time to get used to gradually being apart from your 5 year old, although I do think 6 weeks is probably too long.

The thing you add at the end about the uncle being a sex offender there's just not enough detail.

Ffs2020 · 21/09/2021 10:36

Why is the brother on the register? Depending on the country, people can be registered as sex offenders for minor crimes, or can remain on the register for things that have been decriminalised since they were registered. His offense plays quite a large part in whether or not, you're being unreasonable.

Could he take dc out with him, you arrive two weeks later, spend two weeks and take dc back with you. It gives dc 4 weeks with grandparents, and gives your dp two weeks alone with his family.

Kuachui · 21/09/2021 10:36

I think your idea is perfect, especially because then he can have some alone time with the family (and see his brother!)

2 weeks is long enough for a kid

Kuachui · 21/09/2021 10:37

Also how does he expect you to feel not seeing your child for that long?? No way.

kateg27 · 21/09/2021 10:37

You haven't said what the sex offences are for? There's a massive difference between a man convicted of touching a women's bottom without consent and a man convicted of intercourse with a minor. Some better information would be helpful.

katemuff · 21/09/2021 10:39

No fucking way. I wouldn't stay in a house with a sex offender, let alone my child. Why the hell does anyone ever think this is ok?
"He won't come up" WTF?? Seriously. Why can't his parents visit you? Or go to a destination half way between for 2 weeks. Just no.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 21/09/2021 10:41

"OVER MY DEAD BODY, Matey".

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2021 10:41

My 6yo would be fine with his dad for 6 weeks but both my son and husband sound very different to yours- son very outgoing and husband does a lot with them, is currently doing dinner bath story bed while I’m jumping between several work meetings.

But even with that the sex offender would be seriously a problem. In your case I would do the go for two weeks with son, and son goes home with you.

fuzzymoomin · 21/09/2021 10:43

What about dad goes alone for the first week, you and the child join for the second and third weeks, his parents/family come home to stay with you for fourth and fifth weeks, sixth week home alone to rest and prepare for school.
That's five weeks for dad to spend with his family including three in his home country, four weeks for the child with the family.
I would also make it a condition that the uncle stays elsewhere while you and the child are staying there.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 21/09/2021 10:50

@Cadent

You had me at sex offender.

YANBU. I’d be hiding the passport and telling him you will call the police if he attempts to take child away.

Exactly this. The answer is no, end of discussion.
Seainasive · 21/09/2021 10:56

Pre-covid, My DH often took our DS to stay with his family abroad, from a very early age. 4 weeks was the longest and I did miss them terribly. But: it was great for DS to build & maintain a relationship with his family there, learn the language and the culture. And of course I trust my DH to have our DS’s best interests at heart.

I’d want to know more about the sex offender though. Is he likely to present a risk to the child?

TinnedPotatoesRock · 21/09/2021 10:59

What country is it, that would also sway my decision one way or another

LuchiMangsho · 21/09/2021 11:07

Look if there wasn’t a sex offender in the picture it would be fine.
I have taken my kids to my home country for 6 weeks at a time and DH has joined for a week or so. It’s been absolutely fine. The kids love it, they love the attention they get from cousins and grandparents.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2021 11:09

Absolutely not! How could he think any of it is suitable?

I think your plan is a good compromise, save ghat you should sleep in a hotel so that you’re nowhere near the sex offender. You’ll need to keep an eye on your child every second, and can’t get any sleep if you’re staying in the house!