Is she on another planet?

[CookieDough2017]

A bit of background info before I begin, I have a DD who has recently turned 4 and she goes to nursery 2 days a week.

My OH’s mum (a retired primary school teacher) is always telling me things like you should be booking swimming lessons for her, my boys knew how to swim at this age or about her booking piano lessons or just making comments how she is worried my DD is falling behind because so and so can do this and that blah, blah, blah!

The other day she offered to buy my daughter learning another language lessons as she is worried DD’s nursery are not providing this and should be doing so as it is the LAW!

My DD absolutely idolises her but I think keep going on like this and you will push her away in tears to come.

Am I the only one who thinks she is putting too much pressure not only on my DD and me and my OH?

Your over thinking it

She can have her opinions and you can take or leave them

I have to agree that swimming lessons should be started from as young as possible.

I'd muse aloud "Yes, I spoke with DD's nursery and they said there had been some research into child development and effective pedagogy since the dark days when any unsubstantiated assertion was allowed to damage children's healthy development"

BTW, does your DH confirm this MFL for him as a 4 year old and her other suggestions or is it just wishful thinking?

Good luck.

Nothing wrong with learning Piano, Swimming and French from an early age. Its the pressure and expectations you have to watch. Just letting them progress happily at their own speed is not harmful. Its when parents are pushing them through grades and stuff before the child wants to, then it becomes stressful and damaging.
Learning skills is generally a good thing.

Swimming lessons are a good idea. It’s a basic life skill.

That apart, I’d throw it back at her. Ask her to source and arrange music lessons and take charge of taking and collecting because you haven’t got time.

@ravenmum

That’s not guaranteed to work though. Take my example. Never mind an au-pair, I’m the mother. I only ever speak in English to my kids and they’re only allowed TV in English and it’s still a real struggle getting them to speak English!

Their father speaks to them in French, school & crèche are in French and daily life is in French, so I find it hard to get them speaking English (although they understand it fully).

So an English-speaking child with 2 English-speaking parents in the UK is going to have a nigh-on impossible time getting proficient in a foreign language, even with the luxury option of an au-pair!

I can’t wait to finally get back to the UK so the kids can spend time with my family and will be forced to speak in English as Grandma and Grandad have no idea in French!

@FloconDeNeige I agree, that's why I used the word "can" - my children grew up bilingual and I organised an English playgroup so met quite a few other bilingual families. Worked out well with my two, but some children simply didn't want to! It can be pretty effective - I was a childminder to a little (otherwise monolingual) 1.5-yo for a while, and was amazed how quickly she understood what I was saying - but she was an early speaker in her first language so clearly already very receptive.
My point was more that an au pair speaking another language with a child would be more effective than a weekly lesson as suggested by MIL.

Swimming lessons are very important and should be a priority.

I also think languages should be taught from reception or at least year one. Children are like sponges and I think would find learning another language easier if done from being young. Bilingual parents teach their children their individual languages from birth and the children just grow up speaking it.

I feel you. My MIL is like this, and it's worse because we home educate. She thinks they're missing out on everything (they're not). I just say "Thanks for the suggestion" and carry on doing things as planned.

I do agree about getting your DD enrolled in swimming lessons, though. Starting when young is a great idea because they're less likely to have confidence issues. And waiting lists can be long, depending on where you are.

These things might all be fun to try IF you daughter likes them. Swimming is always a good one to have under your belt though. I couldn't swim until I was 10 and have always been a poor swimmer, so I made sure my sons learned as soon as they could have lessons.

As for language learning being the law I have just retired from primary language teaching in England and it is only compulsory at the moment for KS2 and upward - so not at age 4.

You know your daughter best, accept what would suit her and politely decline the rest. If she doesn't like certain things then don't continue.

@Joystir59

Tbh if she is offering to fund extra activities why would you deny your DD the opportunity to do them?

IS MIL going to drive her to them all, rearrange work/life to fit them all in, keep on top of the practice, pay for all the extras...? Doubt it.

Best time to learn a language is at a young age. Piano I would wait until 7 at the earliest. And my kids all started swimming lessons at 3.

You are the parent, she is not. She brought up her children as she wished and you can do the same. Thank her for her advice but do what you want to do for your child.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

What's with all the hoo hah and waiting list stuff with swimming lessons, can you not just take them to the pool yourself?

Actually, not really at the moment!

I was the poster that said my DS had been on the waiting list for swimming lessons for 2 years.

I don't know what it's like everywhere else, but my local pool was shut most of last year, and has been doing lane swimming for competent swimmers only since reopening. They have recently introduced family sessions at the weekend with limited numbers that sell out within seconds of being released online. Getting a slot is like winning the lottery.

The only place I can take him is a tiny toddler pool which is 35 miles away. I do this a couple of times per month. However, I am not a swimming teacher, and I know from experience with his older brother that he will learn a lot better from someone who is.

BTW, is your DH's grandmother, the parent of your DMIL alive? If so., might be an idea to chat to her. If she didn't take your DMIL to swimming, MFL and so on then I'd play the generational top trump regarding ancient wisdom for those things you choose not to do.

The problem with ‘get them to learn a language young’ is that you’d then need to keep that up as an extra-curricular thing all the way through or they will lose it. Primary schools will start everyone on French at beginner level and not take account of previous knowledge. And, going by my own and my son’s experience, secondary schools start from scratch again, and don’t even build on what’s been learnt in primary.

I'm shocked you don't consider swimming to be a priority,OP, It is so important to acquire this skill early on to be safe around water and be confident once swimming starts at school.

I'd get Granny to look into swimming lessons tbh, especially if she is near and able to take her

I'd have sold my soul, actually no, I have given it to the the devil to avoid the sheer unadulterated hell that is swimming lessons.

And just ask DH....were they really all being gainfully employed learning multiple skills/languages and buffing up their social network as children or is this MIL's memories of being the Perfect Mother??

@Spanielsarepainless

You are the parent, she is not. She brought up her children as she wished and you can do the same. Thank her for her advice but do what you want to do for your child.

this. Get your boundaries set and then decide what YOU will do for YOUR child.

@SunshineCake

That’s not a given. We’re bilingual parents. I’ve been speaking English to my boys since birth and so far, at 5 and 3, they’re not really speaking it (yet)!

So my point is that kids need significant, continual immersion in the language with native speakers and sometimes even that still isn’t enough. I thought it would be but now I’m looking at English classes for them.

@ravenmum

Apologies, I misunderstood. Agree therefore!

A 4 yr old should definitely be able/learning to swim, it's a basic life skill, but everything else is just filler. Often it's more to keep the parents busy but ends up exhausting the child. If you are happy with her pottering about at home then there's no need for anything else.

Swimming lessons do sound a good idea, it’s an essential and lifesaving skill.

Language lessons: not necessary, but kids do benefit from early exposure to another language and at this age it would just be fun games and songs. So it might be something to think about.

I do think that kids are over scheduled these days and need more time just to mess around and play. So i would suggest accepting the swimming offer, but then say you’ll need to see how she gets on before even starting to consider anything else.

I'm a swimming teacher and she's the prime age to learn, she's completely right it's a life skill. The amount of non swimmers we have when we do school swimming is very concerning.

If mil is offering to pay for all those, I would happily take it and let dd try. If she doesn't like it after trying, then just drop it. But you don't know until you try, and they might change her life.

Sounds like a clash of social classes
You're more working class, she's middle class
Middle class parents out their children in all sorts of activities from age 3 onwards. Ballet, football, rugby, swimming, tumble tots and early gymnastics, music time.

I think this clash will continue as your child grows, as you are different social classes and value different things in life.