Is she on another planet?

[CookieDough2017]

A bit of background info before I begin, I have a DD who has recently turned 4 and she goes to nursery 2 days a week.

My OH’s mum (a retired primary school teacher) is always telling me things like you should be booking swimming lessons for her, my boys knew how to swim at this age or about her booking piano lessons or just making comments how she is worried my DD is falling behind because so and so can do this and that blah, blah, blah!

The other day she offered to buy my daughter learning another language lessons as she is worried DD’s nursery are not providing this and should be doing so as it is the LAW!

My DD absolutely idolises her but I think keep going on like this and you will push her away in tears to come.

Am I the only one who thinks she is putting too much pressure not only on my DD and me and my OH?

Swimming is key, I think. Everything else is for you and your dh to decide, not her.

Swimming lessons are a safety skill for young kids. So she's right on that one.

Instead of bristling at her suggestions maybe have a think about them. With her background she might actually have some good ideas. Then you can choose which ones are useful rather than going straight to being defensive.

Does your husband still speak that language? Who would be able to speak to your child in that language at home? It's not enough to just have one hour a week!

I think your getting the wrong end of the stick. She’s trying to help her granddaughter as she has long life experiences of what she needs to know, she’s obviously a bit too enthusiastic though.

She’s right about swimming. Piano lessons would be lovely too, as would learning a language, it’s not pressure, at this young age it’s fun!

I agree with her especially with regard to swimming. If she's paying, even better

I’m not sure about foreign language lessons at age 4. A child needs to spend a minimum of ~30% of their waking time in the other language to be bilingual. Although maybe being bilingual is not a goal. In which case, wait until they’re a little older.

My French is fluent (C1) now and I mostly learned as an adolescent/adult. I am married to a Frenchman and have lived in a Francophone place for 11 years though. It’s pretty difficult for native English speakers to be honest - the world speaks English and so you either have to be really dedicated or otherwise given no choice (for me it was the latter). Having lived & worked in 5 different (non-English-speaking) countries, the most important language to have, is English. So don’t sweat about foreign language lessons.

Possibly @LadyOfLittleLeisure, I suppose I am thinking more of the mumsnet insistence that all preschoolers need is a puddle suit and the great outdoors much beloved of last autumn / winter. I don’t think kids need Mozart aged 3 but I do think a range of experiences and exposure to language is important.

I think the worthiness of each particular activity is a red herring. This is really about boundaries between your mil and your family. Some people are delighted to have grandparents involved, making suggestions, even funding activities at this level. Others are not. And be aware, if she pays, she gets a say. It is only her business if you and your oh decide you would like her to be involved. Personally she sounds a bit interfering, so my response would be "no thanks"
And then I would look into whichever activity myself and oh decided on. Swimming lessons at 4 are fine, but so is just going for a splash in the pool and being water aware once a week. All of these decisions are up to you and oh, not mil.

@Magicalwoodlands it's so hard to tell isn't it? I mix a LOT with 'go with the flow' / unschooling families and I don't agree with all of it but then most of their kids are turning out really eloquent, interesting etc so maybe there is method in the madness so to speak!

Why wouldn’t you want your daughter to start these activities?

Four is a great age to start all of them in terms of adaptability and helping the brain develop.

Don’t deny your daughter opportunities just because your MIL annoys you..

@Margotshypotheticaldog

I think the worthiness of each particular activity is a red herring. This is really about boundaries between your mil and your family. Some people are delighted to have grandparents involved, making suggestions, even funding activities at this level. Others are not. And be aware, if she pays, she gets a say. It is only her business if you and your oh decide you would like her to be involved. Personally she sounds a bit interfering, so my response would be "no thanks" And then I would look into whichever activity myself and oh decided on. Swimming lessons at 4 are fine, but so is just going for a splash in the pool and being water aware once a week. All of these decisions are up to you and oh, not mil.

100% agree with this. And I would pull her up on comments about DD 'falling behind' also.

exposure to language is important.

It is if your mother tongue isn’t English - as to get on in the world of work internationally, you need English first and foremost. Unless you want to be a UN translator, foreign languages are nice to have but not essential, in my opinion. Your specific academic credentials are the most important for any role.

Of course, languages are valuable for far more than just this, but sending pre-schoolers to foreign language classes is probably overkill!

The proper age to learn piano is 8 and not before as children cannot sit down and concentrate that long.

Learning an instrument and swimming lessons is a good idea. If she’s paying, then I would be very pleased.

She seems a little overbearing but the swimming is definitely something you should start at this age. The younger the better. It's a vital life skill.

She's a little bit over enthusiastic. All these clubs take time and money .
She may come in handy when the homework starts ! Ds is in year 3 and it's like a part time job in itself

Just because the Op doesn’t like her mother in law doesn’t mean the child doesn’t love her nan.

Sounds like you would prefer the op to ensure her child is impacted negatively and not have a relationship with her nan.

Parents who do that to their kids because of who they don’t like, more fool then, it’s only the kid that’s punished.

I couldn’t agree more. Unless the second language is already fluently spoken by other family members I really do not see the point of sending a young child to lessons one hour a week.

Whilst she has a point about swimming the other activities are pure projection on MiL’s part.

Has your daughter expressed any interest in music or other sports? Does she want to dance? Once she starts school you might find rainbows/brownies, mini-gym classes, dancing, paddle-tennis become attractive because other classmates do them. There will be ample time to see what your DD actually wants to do herself or indeed because her pals do them. What your MiL wants to happen should not be the overriding concern here.

I’d bite her hand off for swimming lessons. All mine started at 5 (they don’t start them at 4 here) and with 3 to pay for it’s bloody expensive!

She sounds a bit annoying, but mildly so compared to many of the MILs you read about on here! Try to remember it'a coming from a good place OP. She wants her grandchild to have a good start in life and is prepared to pay if necessary.

Her suggestions are all useful.

You should be taking her to swimming lessons as early as possible yourself anyway.

Let her pay for the piano and the lessons. Also it's the least excruciating instrument to hear a learner play.

Languages I'm not so sure about. I personally think that immersion is a good way to learn, which is no good if there's no one at home to assist. Are you willing to learn together?

Your DD is too young for piano. But I'm surprised she isn't already having swimming lessons. She's going to be behind her peers in that, and that ends up being embarrassing, apart from the safety issue.

Swimming plus one other extra activity like dance or gymnastics, or a kids language group seems beneficial to me. I didn't overdo it with activities, but my kids liked doing them, and the social/learning combo.

I'm not sure why you're not taking her up on the financial help.

I agree that swimming lessons are a good idea, they start at 4 here.

She makes a good point about swimming but the rest of it is ott