Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she on another planet?

125 replies

CookieDough2017 · 21/09/2021 00:03

A bit of background info before I begin, I have a DD who has recently turned 4 and she goes to nursery 2 days a week.

My OH’s mum (a retired primary school teacher) is always telling me things like you should be booking swimming lessons for her, my boys knew how to swim at this age or about her booking piano lessons or just making comments how she is worried my DD is falling behind because so and so can do this and that blah, blah, blah!

The other day she offered to buy my daughter learning another language lessons as she is worried DD’s nursery are not providing this and should be doing so as it is the LAW!

My DD absolutely idolises her but I think keep going on like this and you will push her away in tears to come.

Am I the only one who thinks she is putting too much pressure not only on my DD and me and my OH?

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 21/09/2021 07:44

I'm surprised she isn't already having swimming lessons. She's going to be behind her peers in that, and that ends up being embarrassing, apart from the safety issue.

I promise you that at 4, she won’t be behind. My little bronze ribbon didn’t start till 5, and when the school began their own lessons in yeah 4 (only one term) he was in the top group of swimmers while there were still several non swimmers. It’s not something everyone priorities or can afford…

SisterAgatha · 21/09/2021 07:44

Which is why you should bite her hand off!!!

Greygreenblue · 21/09/2021 07:46

I would be terrified of going near a pool or beach with a 4 year old with no water safety skills. I am a bit biased as I nearly drowned myself as a toddler. But why would you say no to swimming lessons?!

TheWonderCat · 21/09/2021 07:55

I agree about the swimming lessons, that’s a life skill.

CaptainMerica · 21/09/2021 08:00

My 4yo does French at nursery (once per week) and really enjoys it.

We don't do swimming lessons yet, but he has been on the waiting list for 2 years.

My DC1 started piano at 6, and I don't think there was any point any earlier (we only did it because it was the only thing available over Zoom in lockdown). It is his favourite activity now though, and I've been amazed at how much he has learned in short lessons.

So basically, I think all these activities are good, with clear benefits if your child is keen.

Obviously, they wouldn't suit everyone, and I wouldn't enjoy my MIL pushing it either. But I think it is good to let kids try things they show in interest in.

Does you MIL do childcare on your non-nursery days?

MitheringMytryl · 21/09/2021 08:01

I am surprised she can't swim. Over here we usually start lessons from about 3 months old. At 4 I would expect her to be confident in a pool and have some safety knowledge.

But it isn't your MIL's business and she sounds pushy and irritating.

Make it clear to her that it is not her decision what lessons your daughter does or doesn't have.

UniversalAunt · 21/09/2021 08:02

Swimming lessons is a great idea.

An opportunity for Grandmother to take her for lessons, spend some time with her & them both have fun together. Be prepared for DD to come home speaking another language 😉.

Anything OH’s mum suggests that requires you to do more work or spend more money, redirect that goodwill so that she does it for your DD.

Be smart about this, do not look a GiftGrandma in the mouth...

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/09/2021 08:05

This would get on my nerves but I'd take her up on the paid language lessons. We should all speak a second language and we start learning one far too late in this country for most children to feel comfortable.

ravenmum · 21/09/2021 08:06

If you wanted her to be bilingual, an au pair who just talks to her in the other language all the time would be more effective and probably not cost much more. Children that age can soak up a second language like a sponge, picking up the grammar, vocab and pronunciation without any "lessons" being required, and without the effort they would require at a later age (some people believe there is a critical period before puberty). So if anyone is interested in helping their child learn really effectively, it's not a bad idea at all to start early.

But if like 99% of people you are not bothered about whether she learns a second language like a native speaker, you can just tell your MIL where to go! Teachers can be a PITA with the lecturing Grin and it is well worth nipping that in the bud from your ILs.

Lalliella · 21/09/2021 08:08

Why not let granny take her to swimming lessons? It would be a nice thing for them to do together, give you a break, and DD gets to learn an important life skill.

I also actually think another language is a good idea too. We’re terrible at languages in this country. It would be good for future travel, and the younger you learn the better. Only if it’s fun though and DD enjoys it.

IntermittentParps · 21/09/2021 08:08

I hate being pushed around, so my response would be 'Stop telling me I should be doing things.'

Underamour · 21/09/2021 08:09

She values education and achievement. You are right if she doesn’t love you DD for who she is and just try to force her ideas on her- she will push her away. That said, where I live a lot of parents do arrange multiple activities for their children (not at four years old). You can see the benefits when they are 11 and grade 6 piano or swimming for the county. Several schools have achievement based admissions.

UndertheCedartree · 21/09/2021 08:10

She is being way over the top!
My eldest learnt to swim without swimming lessons, my youngest has learnt at school. My DD does keyboard lessons at school for the past 2 years - she started at 7 and loves it and is making progress - no need to start at 4! My DD's nursery taught them French but I can't say she's massively ahead of the other Y5s at French!

drpet49 · 21/09/2021 08:10

I agree with her about swimming. 4 seems late to not even have started lessons.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 08:12

Does she actually think it’s the law op?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/09/2021 08:13

She's right about swimming. That's an essential life skill and should be taught as early as possible. The rest, meh. 🤷‍♀️

I'd love to know what law she's on about. You should ask her

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 08:14

Re swimming

I’m surprised you haven’t wanted her to do swimming lessons

Safety, yes

But also… so much fun on holidays etc

wizzywig · 21/09/2021 08:16

As a mum of 3 I'd say "go fir it, can you take her there and back and pick up a takeaway for us too while you're there "

Lotusmonster · 21/09/2021 08:17

I wonder how much of these suggestions are really grating with you because they’re coming from your MIL? …….

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 21/09/2021 08:17

What's with all the hoo hah and waiting list stuff with swimming lessons, can you not just take them to the pool yourself?

SarahDippity · 21/09/2021 08:17

Thank her and tell her you’ll think about it again after Christmas.

ravenmum · 21/09/2021 08:19

Maybe she meant that children have to learn another language by law in school (which is true), so the nursery should be preparing them for that?

OP, do you think your not wanting to give her swimming lessons might be partly because your MIL is being so pushy?! Even if that isn't the reason, it might be something your dh could suggest...

Lalliella · 21/09/2021 08:32

Don’t cut off your nose to spite for face OP. Are you resisting these activities because MIL is suggesting them? You need to get DD swimming at least.

Lalliella · 21/09/2021 08:32

*your not for

SisterAgatha · 21/09/2021 08:34

Ihopeyourcakeisshit

No, I am over the ratio if I take my own kids. Mad but true! We are only allowed 2 children per adult.