Where have I gone wrong?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like I’m just not a good mum - my eldest has bizarre behaviours (at school mainly) and I thought we had turned a corner but he showed his penis to a girl in his class (he’s yr4) and a friend of his. I’m mortified. He couldn’t remember why he had done it, then said he did it to be funny. On and on it goes, constant strange behaviour and I really try so hard to be the best mum I can. Very stable home, very stable relationship with husband. We give him lots of experiences, we have always done things together, encouraged his interests and spend lots of quality time together. I don’t know what I’m not doing that all other parents must be doing. He can’t stand still, he can’t concentrate, he’s volatile and immature.

His little brother has just turned 4 and started reception but doesn’t speak properly and is misbehaving too (normal 4 year old stuff but feel so bad about his speech and this is probably a factor in him getting frustrated) are other people’s children so full on?

I have to monitor their behaviour constantly. I’m exhausted and think with two not behaving it must be my parenting as I am the common denominator here.

We have boundaries, we focus on manners, we praise good behaviour, all that. They just aren’t like other kids. I’m feeling at a loss. What am I doing wrong? Why do other children stand quietly and nicely and my two never do. I’m terrified to take eldest to people’s houses to play with their children because he always does SOMETHING to make them not want to invite him back. I feel so sad.

Have you considered ADHD? I'm seeing a lot of the signs in your description. You're not doing anything wrong but it's worth exploring.

Yes, he's showing signs of being neuro diverse and I think your GP should be the first port of call

Does the school have a good SENCO? I would be asking for there input and I would also be contacting the GP as it does sound as though there is definitely something there.

Yes to what others have said, and it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all. Perhaps of you find out your son is for example neuro-diverse then it would take the weight of the pressure you are feeling off in some way (the pressure that you feel when he acts differently from other kids)? I think if you had an explanation other than that you must be a bad mother, you would feel better about it and maybe learn some different coping strategies from other mums?

I’ve considered it but infant school seemed to think it was behaviour. Juniors are better but there are still things happening. GP said to let him settle into trouble 3 then covid hit. Just had a very unhappy message from the only mum friend I have saying that she will be staying away as her son is really embarrassed and she doesn’t want him mixing with my child which I totally understand. We never get invited to parties and it’s so isolating. I know they think it’s because of our parenting.

You poor thing, it's exhausting.

My 2nd never stopped, all go, full of energy and no sense of danger.
My nerves were shot trying to keep him safe.

You have my full sympathy.
I couldn't have done enough.
The penis thing can happen.
He is very young.

Go see your GP, as suggested up.

Stay firm with him and keep reinforcing good behaviour.

Be kind to yourself too.

My boy grew out of the madness thank goodness and is a wonderful young man.

Ask Senco to refer for screening for ADHD. And ask them to link you onto additional support. Sounds like you are doing everything you can by the way.

YABU in that I'm sure you haven't done anything wrong - this does sound like neurodiversity to me. If you didn't give a toss about their behaviour or developkent that might indicate it was your parenting but clearly you do care and are trying so it's something beyond your control.

I'm sorry it's so exhausting, but do speak about getting a referall to a specialists, probably educational psychologist in the first instance.

Thankyou for the kind words - he doesn’t have lots of energy. Just weird body movements and head movements but not really at hone unless he’s tired. The classroom seems a very challenging place for him. He talks about wishing he wasn’t born and hating himself and it breaks my heart. I don’t know whether to punish him or not because of his self esteem. I used to shout and punish but it didn’t do anything and probably made him so anxious. I don’t know what’s right to do? I second guess everything I say and every action. Senco hasn’t even spoken to me in juniors. We have approached the school about his behaviour (which had been better but is still strange) to ensure it isn’t dealt with just as being naughty as he seems mortified at the idea of being a ‘bad boy’.

I just need someone to talk to. I feel so alone and like everyone is judging me.

showing his penis to others is potentially a form of precocious sexual/ised behaviour and might possibly indicate he has been exposed to sexual content or sexual abuse in some way

You sound like a brilliant mum, don't be too hard on yourself. I personally think it's a boy thing. You're doing everything right. Speak to the school about your worries, they can support you. Also contact your local children's centre they can support also

The classroom can be a very challenging place, what’s he like at the end of the school day? Any signs that he’s been holding his behaviour all day and collapsing/exploding when he gets out? His self esteem will be massively affected if he feels pressure to behave in a way which is hard for him, if his friendships are affected etc.

Given he’s exposed himself at school, I’d expect school to follow their safeguarding procedure both to establish whether he’s been exposed to anything inappropriate and to put a plan/support in place for him and the other kids. That might be an opportunity for you to follow up on any additional support needs he might have.

In any event I’d arrange to meet with his class teacher and SENCO to establish how he is in school (and outside of school) and start an assessment process for him. You’re not a bad mum at all, you sound overwhelmed.

Year 4 is all about curiosity and dc do show each other their bits (then adults act horrified when it’s pretty normal behaviour). Speak to the teachers about the behaviour as they will have more of an idea as to the variations of expected behaviours.

Are the head and body movements involuntary? Could they be tics? Mine had tics around this age, he was later diagnosed with asd.

Some of the behaviours could fit with Tourette’s. It’s more common than you think and most children grow out of it. It often occurs alongside ADHD or other neurodivergences. Might be worth reading up on.

It just seems like everyone is waiting to blame me - I suspect anything he has he got from me. During lockdown my mum told me it was because I spoiled him and my husband has just basically blamed me because I’m ‘odd’ and antisocial and that’s why we don’t have playdates. This is the first time he’s had to deal with a situation that directly effects him. It’s always me dealing with teachers or standing on my doorstep being told by a parent who has bought him home that they don’t want their child exposed to mine (when my child swore with fingers because the other children wouldn’t stop squirting him) I feel broken, I never should have become a parent.

My 6 year old ds has autism and can be what other people might describe as 'odd' to me he's just my ds. He can have erratic body movements etc, say really innapropriate things and sometimes I dread what he's going to come out with ! Don't blame yourself !! As others have said speak to the senco. My nephew has adhd and used to say things about wanting to die etc too as he felt he didn't fit in and struggled to keep up at school, he would fight and act before he thought about things.

Where has he learned swearing with fingers?

Lots of how he is behaving would be normal at 4-5 (even showing another child their penis - I remember 3 kids doing this when I was in reception!) but would be expected to have calmed down by 8.

I would talk to the SENCO & also the class teacher to start with.

You need to be proactive OP and seek help now

I’ve no idea where he learnt it, and the other children recognised it well enough so I doubt they hadn’t been ‘exposed’ to it before - he probably saw someone do it at school. But the accusations are always that he learnt it from home and that he is parented poorly. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

I will ask talk to the senco and see if we can get him assessed. They assessed him in infants and nothing came of it so I assumed they didn’t find anything but I will try again.

It sounds like there may be a theme occurring of neurodiversity, in both you and your sons. None of you are ‘odd’ but you may be able to access some support. First port of call for me would be the GP. Ignore the school writing everything off as behaviour.

@suspiria777

showing his penis to others is potentially a form of precocious sexual/ised behaviour and might possibly indicate he has been exposed to sexual content or sexual abuse in some way

This absolutely. It can be a sign of sexual abuse.

You sound like a very loving and caring mum by the way.

I don’t think it is sexual abuse. He is never alone with another adult, not even family babysitting. He’s either at school or with me. He’s always been a bit of a prude but has discovered his penis lately in a silly way so I’m hoping it’s that rather than anything sinister.