Where have I gone wrong?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like I’m just not a good mum - my eldest has bizarre behaviours (at school mainly) and I thought we had turned a corner but he showed his penis to a girl in his class (he’s yr4) and a friend of his. I’m mortified. He couldn’t remember why he had done it, then said he did it to be funny. On and on it goes, constant strange behaviour and I really try so hard to be the best mum I can. Very stable home, very stable relationship with husband. We give him lots of experiences, we have always done things together, encouraged his interests and spend lots of quality time together. I don’t know what I’m not doing that all other parents must be doing. He can’t stand still, he can’t concentrate, he’s volatile and immature.

His little brother has just turned 4 and started reception but doesn’t speak properly and is misbehaving too (normal 4 year old stuff but feel so bad about his speech and this is probably a factor in him getting frustrated) are other people’s children so full on?

I have to monitor their behaviour constantly. I’m exhausted and think with two not behaving it must be my parenting as I am the common denominator here.

We have boundaries, we focus on manners, we praise good behaviour, all that. They just aren’t like other kids. I’m feeling at a loss. What am I doing wrong? Why do other children stand quietly and nicely and my two never do. I’m terrified to take eldest to people’s houses to play with their children because he always does SOMETHING to make them not want to invite him back. I feel so sad.

The kids I work with who have ADHD are infuriating at times but also funny and amazing. When they finally get the right medication they are just as funny and interesting but it curves the impetuous behaviour.
No one ever blames parents! This has nothing to do with parenting.

Thank you all again - I cycle between being totally exasperated by his behaviour and in awe of how well he masks things. He’s not ‘bad’ enough to be labelled as different and I think that’s why his behaviour is seen as ‘naughty’. He’s very clever (though unmotivated in class) so some parents are willing to overlook to have their child be friends with him (I get the idea it’s because he helps them with their work) I will move forward with the senco and hope this all blows over soon. I really needed to hear some kind things and I feel better now. You’re all amazing.

I agree he shows sjgns of Asd, from what you describe, I would arrange for your son to be tested. My son was the same, odd behaviour and he has Aspergers and ADHD. Your not a bad parent OP, quite the opposite, you obviously want the best for your son

ADHD jumped out at me reading this post. Acting on impulse, no forward thinking to the consequences of thier behaviour. The fact that you said he didn't want to be the bad boy, indicates he really isn't aware of his behaviour and the impact. You need to fight his corner and really push with the school and GP. I have a son with ASD and daughter with suspected ASD/ADHD so i can totally understand

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run. This is not your fault and you are not a bad parent. You need to take him to a paediatrician. You may have to seek a private referral as the services are so rubbish and backlogged.

I constantly blamed myself and DH for our DD's difficulties but she has ADHD and ASD/PDA. She's also year 4.

The Explosive Child is a good book.

Hope it goes well. Come back for help if your Senco isn't particularly helpful - looks like plenty of us on this thread have been through the Sen recognition to assessment process

I recognise some aspects of this in DS2. He got upset at parties if other boys picked on him but fortunately other boys’ parents were kind and told off the other boys. I would not have taken it well if an angry parent told off my son for swearing with fingers if her son and others had squirted him and wouldn’t stop when he couldn’t take it anymore. I can’t stand the ‘my Dc can do no wrong’ type of attitude.
If you know your child has not been exposed to any risk of abuse then the showing his penis is more likely to be a delayed silly thing that is usually more common in preschool and infant school boys.