Where have I gone wrong?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like I’m just not a good mum - my eldest has bizarre behaviours (at school mainly) and I thought we had turned a corner but he showed his penis to a girl in his class (he’s yr4) and a friend of his. I’m mortified. He couldn’t remember why he had done it, then said he did it to be funny. On and on it goes, constant strange behaviour and I really try so hard to be the best mum I can. Very stable home, very stable relationship with husband. We give him lots of experiences, we have always done things together, encouraged his interests and spend lots of quality time together. I don’t know what I’m not doing that all other parents must be doing. He can’t stand still, he can’t concentrate, he’s volatile and immature.

His little brother has just turned 4 and started reception but doesn’t speak properly and is misbehaving too (normal 4 year old stuff but feel so bad about his speech and this is probably a factor in him getting frustrated) are other people’s children so full on?

I have to monitor their behaviour constantly. I’m exhausted and think with two not behaving it must be my parenting as I am the common denominator here.

We have boundaries, we focus on manners, we praise good behaviour, all that. They just aren’t like other kids. I’m feeling at a loss. What am I doing wrong? Why do other children stand quietly and nicely and my two never do. I’m terrified to take eldest to people’s houses to play with their children because he always does SOMETHING to make them not want to invite him back. I feel so sad.

There are just so many things this could be that jump out at me but the first thing I thought was definitely not “shit parenting.” It was autism, followed by Tourette’s, then ADHD. All as possibilities. You mention the “weird movements.” Could definitely be either autism stimming, or Tourette’s tics. Especially when you mention the swearing, makes me think of Tourette’s. I’m surprised all the other parents are judging you; they must all have 0% experience with neurodiversity in their lives with friends or family?!?

I’m sorry OP as it must be so painful and isolating but yes, do push very hard for intervention. Maybe first port of call a GP before SENCO in case it’s Tourette’s and not autism or ADHD, or even if it is autism or ADHD, as this needs urgent intervention - he’s getting to the age where the “showing down his pants” incident you mention might be more problematic than at a younger age (he may not view it as sexual but it could be treated like it by the school). With Tourette’s, he could need a neurologist and medication and I’ve no idea what the wait is like right now for a first referral. And perhaps look up a checklist for Tourette’s in children?

Good luck. You might actually find if he’s neurodiverse that you’ll be able to access the support of other parents in your situation and it will provide a network you really need.

I dont think you're doing anything wrong.
My oldest ds had issues in school which worsened when he got to secondary. Fingers were forever pointed at me. So much so that I researched and researched, observed and obsessed on finding out the answers.
It became clear to me that the structure of the school was too overwhelming for him. The way instructions were given were overwhelming. I changed this at home to a way that worked, but they wouldn't believe me that things were better at home than they were at school. I was in meetings that often at the school I had my own chair that they knew I liked to sit in 😂

He got so bad at school, and in the end refused to go. It took 18 months of him not attending school and me pushing for a special needs school for things to change.
That simple change completely turned him around. He is now in college and fully focused on building on his career path, along with a job on the side!

So don't be disheartened. I had a hell of a battle, and it was hard going getting there, but it was one change that changed the whole course of things.

Keep pushing the senco. You're his mother, you know if something isn't right. Don't let them tell you it's just down to your parenting when you strongly believe it's not. Push, push and push.

@thegreenlight

It just seems like everyone is waiting to blame me - I suspect anything he has he got from me. During lockdown my mum told me it was because I spoiled him and my husband has just basically blamed me because I’m ‘odd’ and antisocial and that’s why we don’t have playdates. This is the first time he’s had to deal with a situation that directly effects him. It’s always me dealing with teachers or standing on my doorstep being told by a parent who has bought him home that they don’t want their child exposed to mine (when my child swore with fingers because the other children wouldn’t stop squirting him) I feel broken, I never should have become a parent.

Everyone needs their big girl/boy pants.

You need to claim some power. It might not be your 'fault' but you have responsibilities to advocate and parent effectively. Not feel bad, you understand. Just work hard.

If this is the first time he's ever had natural consequences of his actions, it's a good start. But he need more. With my neurodiverse DD it's very quick, quite sharp natural consequences which are done and over quickly as well.

Read widely about parenting and bear in mind some things don't work if it's ADHD or Tourette's.

You are not alone OP. If only there was a manual
and everything was black & white.

I struggle too with my DD, I feel every day there's some new challenge I have to deal with.

She is an angel and a devil and can switch between the two incredibly quickly. There is no in between.

I feel like an utter failure some days and not equipped or enough to adequately parent. I frequently feel out of my depth.

Possibly she has ADHD but no formal diagnosis. STBEXH who deserted me and DD (who was then 3 months and now 9 years) believes it's my parenting (or lack of) that allows her to be the way she is. I try so hard but it's exhausting (especially on my own!!).

Anyway cutting the waffle, you are enough, nothing you can say or do has much bearing on how they sometimes choose to behave. Shout / don't shout ...it has no real impact. All you can do is reinforce positive messages about the correct way to behave and hope one day it sinks in.

Don't blame yourself.

This isn’t the first time he has had consequences. He just doesn’t seem to notice when he’s no longer invited to parties or no longer allowed to play with certain friends. I arranged a meeting with his head teacher to advocate for him because he doesn’t seem in control of these behaviours. It hurts because I get the brunt of it. I can’t do confrontation and just crumble and apologise. I’m a teacher too and I know I get judged more harshly because of it. I have to carefully stage manage everything we do, every interaction, everything I say in the hope of controlling his behaviours. My husband doesn’t see how different DS is from other children of his age. There’s always been something off - I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.

Neuro diversity jumped to me too.

Lack of impulse control and understanding of age appropriate behaviours and personal boundaries.

Just remember it's very likely he genuinely doesn't remember why he did it. The more you ask the more he'll give different answers because he'll think the original and last one were wrong - hence you asking again.

Boys do find their penises funny at a certain age and it isnt uncommon to be showing each other in the school toilets in infants. If he's delayed he's just still there whilst his peers have moved on. He probably does still think it's funny and maybe doesn't understand why it's not.

Social stories can be very good for explaining things to children who need clear explanations.

This could be my ds. His school is a very large, town school and I am so glad. He has been assessed, diagnosed asd and his school are brilliant with him and strategies to help. I’m sure a smaller school would still be labelling him naughty.

So you think the strange body movements could be tics? It could be a reaction to an over stimulating environment for him.

And if one of my friends described ds as embarrassing we would not be seeing them again. Ever.

His behaviour is really good at home - always has been on the whole (apart from a particularly difficult period when he was 5) I think no one believes me when I say this. He loves museums and behaves impeccably in them but school classrooms and parties have always been difficult for him. We didn’t even know he had anxious behaviours until we saw him in the reception nativity! Social situations are tricky too and he invariably does something or says something he shouldn’t.

Shame your ds hasn’t learnt to swear with his hands at your husband. I’m really cross at what I’m reading and you sound so beaten down. Your husband should be supporting you, not berating you. You’re not odd. He’s just being nasty. I hope you get some answers from the senco

Haggisfish3 His friend was embarrassed about having to tell the teacher. He didn’t describe DS as embarrassing.

ASD or ADHD you need to push both Senco and GPs.

Mummyoflittledragon DH is so good at arguing - I’m hiding upstairs avoiding him because I’m so upset. I’m the one googling behaviours and how to deal with things, if he shouts that’s ok but if I shout I’m over reacting. I said he probably did it because he was thinking that it was the worst thing he could do so he did it (in an impulse control sort of way) and he said that I’m mean and think that he’s a monster which isn’t true at all.

I don’t think he realises how critical he is. In some way he always blames me, I don’t think he even knows that he does it. I’m too hard, not hard enough etc. And then he gets annoyed when I take things personally. I do blame myself, even down to the fact DS was an assisted birth and that can cause issues though I would never say this out loud. I just carry it in my chest.

They sound like typical boys to me. I’ve been teaching primary aged children for over 20 years and I’ve seen it all.
Speech delay problems are so common at that age-I always have a handful with speech and language issues/therapists. He’ll be fine.
Your ds in year 4 sounds immature-most boys are. It’s not pc you say, but it’s true. Parents who think they’re children are not are deluded. Teachers don’t tell parents 99% of what happens in the classroom. Teach your ds it’s wrong to show his penis, the school and you should punish accordingly so he knows that right from wrong etc -I’m sure he does already.
Don’t blame yourself, you sound like you’re doing a good job with lively and cheeky boys!

Your DH needs to recognize this is a joint problem for you to solve together and stop fighting with you.

Tbh I just think you've got a boy. A boy who is young and does stupid things.

We expect our kids to be perfect and frankly it's fucking ridiculous. Kids do stupid things. You'll look back on this in 15 years together and laugh.

Sounds neurodiverse to me. Please be aware that primary school SENCOs are very variable from brilliant to someone who has no knowledge but is dumped with the job. Most wont have access to ADHD screeners and again, you need a clinical psychologist. Ask the school to refer him to CAHMs and ask them to stress the sexual nature as that might shove him up the wait list which will be lengthy. Your gp can also refer. If you have a spare thousand then get him externally assessed by a private clinical psych (or some private health insurance will pay). It sounds like he has ADHD impulsive/hyperactive type. The jerky movements could be ASD and or Dyspraxia. They are all linked. He is neurodiverse and not badly parented.

You sound like your doing a great job as a mum but have you thought about talking to the GP to get some support for you maybe some talking therapy or there might be other things they could suggest to help while your trying to get a plan in place with school make sure your looking after yourself as well.

Please don’t feel you have done anything wrong. When my 31 year old DS1 was about your son’s age I could have written very similar, including exposing himself at school. Nearly every evening from Reception onwards I was called over by the teacher for her “to have a word” about his behaviour. Only one school even considered ADHD and they came back to me and said he was just a very naughty boy. He was never invited to birthday parties because of his behaviour 🙁 that is very hard for a little boy to understand.

My daughter’s behaviour was better, but she was described as “strong willed, antisocial and not working well in a team”

My DS2 totally different to either of them was diagnosed with ADD and ASD at 15, and then I realised that all the things I had been blamed and judged as a parent for with the older two really weren’t my fault. DS2 had really floppy muscles, ran in a peculiar way and struggled with handwriting and was still not referred for assessment when he should have been.

There is no excuse for the school to ignore obvious signs that a child is neurodiverse in this day and age.

What I want to say is that you must push for an assessment, we know better now than to think behaviour like this is due to bad parenting and actually that label only makes things worse as you feel so depressed and inadequate. My DH also blamed me and I wish I had pushed back as nobody is to blame, in fact I recognise know that I did a good job under the circumstances and with very little support. My MIL thought that taking them to stately homes and museums would improve their behaviour!

Please take heart that despite all their difficulties all three of my children have good jobs, friends and good lives.

I think I need to look at getting an assessment - can I refer and then pay private? GP is not interested and to be fair 1:1 he would probably have very few signs as it is in social situations that he struggles. His infant school were terrible and I feel this had had the major impact on self esteem - he takes a long time to get dressed so they would make him finish getting dressed in another classroom in front of another class, he distracted others so they sat him facing a wall for 6 months (I found out from DS and put a stop to it) he’s VERY bright but unmotivated unless it is a personal interest and then he becomes obsessed and cant think if anything else to the point of not functioning.

Hello OP,
The most direct , although costly, way to address this for your DC would be to have him assessed privately by either a child psychologist if the issues are both at school and home or if at school primarily then a educational psychologist . From the sounds of it the school will not be on board with referring him for a assessment and it will take time anyway. If you have the financial means it will really help your understanding of your DC, they will give you and the school a plan of support for him and likely a diagnosis that will help others understanding of his needs in a more compassionate way xxx💐

I have a boy who was so like yours at that age. Eventually diagnosed with adhd. Is now much less hyper and impulsive but still struggles with attention.

Some folk don't like labels but it helped us. Helped him get support in school and helped other parents be a bit more understanding. Not sure why they couldn't have been more understanding without the label but there you go.

Take care op. Parenting is never easy

thegreenlight

Come here for a Cwtch my lovely!
Swear with your fingers at your H, cheeky bastard that he is!

Why are you taking all the 'blame', not that there should be blame.

Your boys are just that, your boys.
You can help them to be the best they can even if that doesn't fit in with what people see as 'normal'.

My grandsons have all been obsessed with their willies at some point. As have all the pre-school children I looked after, girls and boys.
I say, very nice, put it away now, let's wash your hands and do something else.

Obviously as your son is older school will need to safeguard but he won't be the first or the last.

So, stop hiding, tell that H if he can't contribute to sorting things out don't bother speaking and make yourself a cuppa/drink/whatever.

Go to/phone the GP, start the ball rolling.
Contact the school and ask to meet with the SENCO to discuss what will happen.

Tell them you get very emotional because you love your son very much but you are a fellow professional. Say you will make notes and might not always be able to decide immediately but will get back to them the next day.

If your are in Wales contact SNAPCymru.

(I am sorry I don't know the English, Welsh or Irish equivalent, I am sure someone on here will.)

Please don't despair, your children sound lovely. One of my grandchildren is autistic and the others have traits. They are all amazing. The mum of the autistic child has worked with professionals and advocated for him.
You will too.

Find some groups for parents locally and Nationally, you won't feel so alone.

Sending another big Cwtch for you and your boys.

I'm sorry, it sounds really hard

Just to say that it reads like the judgement of other people is really getting to you, and thought one bit of my perspective might help: I am currently keeping my DS apart from a boy in his class who he's always been friends with but who has no impulse control, because my DS kept getting punched and it's my job to keep him safe. But I really don't blame his parents. I think they're having a hard time with a still-young child who can't control himself and who may have some additional needs that aren't being met and are difficult to address. I'm annoyed at the situation of course and I can't let my child be around theirs right now, but I don't think they're terrible people or poor parents. So it may be that far fewer people are judging you than it feels like (your DM and DH aside, who sound like they're blaming you to avoid looking any deeper at the issue?)