Where have I gone wrong?

[thegreenlight]

I feel like I’m just not a good mum - my eldest has bizarre behaviours (at school mainly) and I thought we had turned a corner but he showed his penis to a girl in his class (he’s yr4) and a friend of his. I’m mortified. He couldn’t remember why he had done it, then said he did it to be funny. On and on it goes, constant strange behaviour and I really try so hard to be the best mum I can. Very stable home, very stable relationship with husband. We give him lots of experiences, we have always done things together, encouraged his interests and spend lots of quality time together. I don’t know what I’m not doing that all other parents must be doing. He can’t stand still, he can’t concentrate, he’s volatile and immature.

His little brother has just turned 4 and started reception but doesn’t speak properly and is misbehaving too (normal 4 year old stuff but feel so bad about his speech and this is probably a factor in him getting frustrated) are other people’s children so full on?

I have to monitor their behaviour constantly. I’m exhausted and think with two not behaving it must be my parenting as I am the common denominator here.

We have boundaries, we focus on manners, we praise good behaviour, all that. They just aren’t like other kids. I’m feeling at a loss. What am I doing wrong? Why do other children stand quietly and nicely and my two never do. I’m terrified to take eldest to people’s houses to play with their children because he always does SOMETHING to make them not want to invite him back. I feel so sad.

Sadly parents (i.e. mothers) are always blamed for so called bad behaviour. It sounds like your son is neuro diverse. He's not badly behaved, he's just different. As the mammy of two very different kids, I have had to develop a very thick skin over the years. My heart goes out to you because it's awful when no-one wants to play with your kid. Get a diagnosis asap. And please - stop blaming yourself. You are your son's champion and are doing an awesome job.

I have two wonderful (now young adult) DC with clinically diagnosed neuro-diversities. Years back, I spent many hours, days, weeks blaming and feeling sorry for myself. I’d take the dog out for walks and cry behind my sunglasses, asking myself ‘how could I be sooo bad at parenting’. Eventually I realised that these extensive ruminations help zilch….I’ve certainly made some bad parenting mistakes, you have probably made a few mistakes. Nobody is perfect. But the past is done and dusted. What you must do now is everything in your power to help your DC. Make appointments and referrals to an educational psychologist, ask for recommendations. Read up, research, try to understand. Recognising your adversary in mental health is vital to moving forward. Your DH is being a prat, throwing you on the fire so to speak achieves nothing. You need to try and support each other. Good luck!

Yes you can - refer and go private. Owning a difficulty can be so valuable for you, family, him. Be aware, most specialists are really booked up but you need to do something. The experience he had at infants sounds really damaging.

@thegreenlight

I think I need to look at getting an assessment - can I refer and then pay private? GP is not interested and to be fair 1:1 he would probably have very few signs as it is in social situations that he struggles. His infant school were terrible and I feel this had had the major impact on self esteem - he takes a long time to get dressed so they would make him finish getting dressed in another classroom in front of another class, he distracted others so they sat him facing a wall for 6 months (I found out from DS and put a stop to it) he’s VERY bright but unmotivated unless it is a personal interest and then he becomes obsessed and cant think if anything else to the point of not functioning.

The more you say, the more it sounds like he is neurodiverse.

You say your husband also said you were odd. Neurodiverse women often slip through the net for diagnosis due to the way we are socialised and learn to behave versus the way assessment and support is geared towards male symptomatic behaviour and presentation. Have a bit of a look at female ASC or ADHD and see if it rings any bells.

‘Volatile’ ‘immature’ and ‘exhausting’ sound very much like DD who now has a diagnosis of ADHD. She has some funny ticks and her behaviour is really hard to deal with on a daily basis, when other parents seem to manage so well and their kids behave so beautifully.

She found it really hard to manage emotions and her behaviour, and she was becoming very negative about herself. Our relationship was becoming a very negative cycle of me becoming frustrated and angry at her, and her anxiety and poor behaviour escalating. So we started a kind of ‘love-bombing’ campaign at home with loads of hugs and positive affirmations. This was as well as the usual boundaries and rules about being rude, hurting people etc so it wasn’t about pandering to her, but about building her self esteem and helping her to have positive experiences in interacting with people. Play dates with classmates were short and structured so she could have fun with a bit of guidance from parents.

She is now doing so much better. School have been really supportive and she loves going in now. Our relationship has improved hugely, and even though I am always watching her when we are out as she can still be quite explosive, I am not walking on eggshells quite as much as I was.

I suppose what I am saying is that I understand your exhaustion. DD’s diagnosis has really helped me to understand what she is struggling with, and it is definitely worth looking into the possibility of neurodiversity for your DS. You sound like a great parent so please try and keep your relationship with him positive, as his awareness of his social difficulties and being told off for bad behaviour can really eat away at his self-esteem.

The more I see DS’s behaviours, the more I realise I probably have ADHD. I remember wondering why I never got invited to people’s houses or parties. I got obsessed with things and was happy in my own world most of the time. I put on a very good act of being normal but it is very much an act. I think maybe I find it hard to deal with DS’s behaviours because they remind me of myself. DH finds it easier - he says he chose me and so loves DS for being like me. It does give me hope because I turned out ok (ish!)

katplva you sound like you did some really great work with your DD, she certainly sounds a lot like my DS. I reached crisis point over lockdown and was screaming and shouting pretty much every day. I got some therapy and turned things around and our relationship is amazing now but I am always second guessing what I say - is it too harsh? Too soft?

How did you get a diagnosis for your DD?

Please stop being so hard on yourself!
It does sound like elements of the spectrum are in play - blissfully unaware of social conventions, inappropriately trying to be funny, bright but disinterested, obsessions.
Join some forums, look for a local support group, meet some parents with neurodiverse kids.
Definitely push for assessment. Speak to your own senco too.
Enjoy him as he is and don't feel guilty - it's nothing you have or haven't done and deep down you know that.

We are not in the UK and we ended up going privately to a child psychiatrist for a diagnosis. The waiting list for public CAMHS assessments were so long and it was very hard to even be referred to them.

Well done on recognising the issue and working on it yourself already. We are always second guessing ourselves as parents and we can never get it right 100% of the time! I still am probably not gentle or consistent enough with DD but I am trying

I really can’t thank people enough for taking time to give such brilliant advice and kind words. I was feeling pretty rock-bottom when I posted and feeling much stronger now. I will meet with the senco ASAP and try to get a referral, though I will look into private referrals too if they are quicker. Thankyou again. He really is the most amazing boy - he is just a bit of a square peg in a round hole, a bit like me!

Best of luck with the SENCO and looking for a referral. We have to remember that square pegs are also fabulous and cherished people who can have lovely successful lives too. Even if they do make their parents’ lives tough going at times

You cant keep saying you're a bad parent, you suspect he got it from you...allowing your husband to speak to you badly and grinding you down saying youre odd etc.

You need to dig deep and get support. Perhaps your GP for any depression you have and counselling/cbt to come up with a plan to take charge of your life.

Neurodiversity jumped out to me too.

We had similar, issues followed by private diagnosis.

Be prepared for a bumpy ride with your school if they haven't seen the behaviour - or sometimes even if they have; primary schools fund the first £6k for Sen interventions, it creates systematic gas lighting of parents. I'm not trying to be bleak and you've got plenty of time to sort support for your son but please save yourself time and don't think those in thr system will always have your son's best interests at heart.

Facebook, is an excellent source of Sen support groups, I'm more genned up on ASD than ADHD but 'Not Fine In School', Sunshine Support and Send Family Instincts are good groups and organisations to start with on there.

One last point, a common trope rolled out is that an LA can reject a private diagnosis - no, they can't legally (if done by appropriate professional) but that doesn't mean they won't try. I have little time for Education Psychologists in the system, the quality sadly is variable. I personally would go for a Child Psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD (you'll find recommendations on ADHD support groups, again Facebook).

Finally, as a parent, you know your children. Believe your experience and 'gut feel' that there's something underlying.

Good luck x

Autism is my guess, in him and you. I didn't realise I was autistic until I had my autistic DS. I thought I was useless and rubbish at everything.

Do not accept the GP not wanting to know. It's their fucking job to know. This list might ring true with you:

•	Emotional Sensitivity
•	Fixation on Particular Subjects or Ideas
•	Linguistic Oddities
•	Social Difficulties
•	Problems Processing Physical Sensations
•	Devotion to Routines
•	Development of Repetitive or Restrictive Habits
•	Dislike of Change
•	Focus on Self
•	Unusual Movement Patterns

The bottom one is important, tics are very very common in children with autism. The playing with himself, even exposing himself, could be a tic. My son makes repetitive popping noises, especially when he is stressed, it's his brain getting overloaded. He also tics more when he is tired.

You're going to have to strap your fighting gloves on for a few years, mum, because that's the only way to get anything done. Start by refusing to take no for an answer from the GP. Demand a referral to a multidisciplinary assessment team. Make very clear in writing to SENCO, class teacher and headteacher that your son requires more support in school. That you are seeking professional help regarding x, y and z behaviours and need the school to be on board too.

Fight, fight, fight. You can do it.

@thegreenlight

I really can’t thank people enough for taking time to give such brilliant advice and kind words. I was feeling pretty rock-bottom when I posted and feeling much stronger now. I will meet with the senco ASAP and try to get a referral, though I will look into private referrals too if they are quicker. Thankyou again. He really is the most amazing boy - he is just a bit of a square peg in a round hole, a bit like me!

SENCO AND headteacher. Request in writing. If they call you ask them to put their reply in writing too.

Get everything in writing.

Give yourself some live, OP.
You sound like a super caring mum. Your DH sounds a bit insensitive.

*love!!!

Nothing in your post was written by a bad mum, completely the opposite, he’s lucky to have you as a mum. I agree with the others, investigate getting an assessment, probably privately the way things are at the moment then take it from there.
You’re saying people are blaming you, apart from your husband (who’s probably secretly blaming himself but projecting on to you as it’s easier for him) has anyone actually said anything to you? I’m only asking because it’s often your own internal voice doing the blaming, although in your case there is simply no blame that needs going anywhere. My dds haven’t been invited anywhere but I assume it’s because of COVID, general busyness but I don’t think about it, they’re not bothered so neither am I. Good luck with everything, you sound like a really lovely person.

Do t be hard on yourself. Others have given good advice about speaking to school and having him assessed. I just want to tell you that I have been exactly where you are and it has got a lot better since DS got an ADHD diagnosis. He also got his willy out in class and I was dropped by a mum friend as a result (even though it was her little angel who told him to do it…). School actually spoke to social services about it because they were worried it may be sexualised behaviour but SS didn’t feel it needed investigated, he hasn’t done it since and is very modest about his bits now!
for you

Have a look at this comic OP, it's by Emma, she's the same lady that did The Mental Load.
See if you recognise any similarities (understatement)
english.emmaclit.com/2021/03/18/lucine-and-enzo/

And this one by Rebecca Burgess the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Then make a list of all the behaviours your son has which are different to his peers and take it on your own to your GP and ask them for a referral for a multi disciplinary assessment for neurodiversity.
They can advise on NHS and private teams, if you go private, choose one that also works for the NHS then there will be no quibble about the veracity of the diagnosis.

Whilst you're waiting for that, search parenting techniques for neurodiverse children and start using them, you can't make a child have a neurodiverse condition by parenting them in a different way, but you can certainly make everyone's life much easier by using different parenting strategies.

@m0therofdragons

Year 4 is all about curiosity and dc do show each other their bits (then adults act horrified when it’s pretty normal behaviour). Speak to the teachers about the behaviour as they will have more of an idea as to the variations of expected behaviours.

This absolutely, anywhere between the ages of around 5-7 children seem to get very curious about what differences there are between them. Some adults do overreact to this in quite ridiculous ways but definitely do talk to the school for reassurance and a plan on how to deal with it appropriately.

Just wanted to add that I did this as a child about 5YO (female) and no one shouted child abuse or potential pedo about me which is interesting isn't it @thegreenlight

I was however made to feel very ashamed about this behaviour by adults who equated it to some sort of sexualised behaviour. It did have a large effect on me but that was partly because in addition to the overreaction to the situations by the adults who found us I did not come from a body positive family who talked to me about it. I was just made to feel that I had done an awful, awful thing and should be ashamed of my body.

I am sorry sounds difficult - please also google primitive reflexes not going dormant and see if that applies to him

I wanted to write a message although I don't have any brilliant advice for you, but you have received a good deal of that already. Your boy sounds like such a sweet soul, I'm so sorry he is struggling. And you are struggling. You both sound so ready to give up in some of your replies. Please feel free to ignore this advice, but I read an old book some months ago which completely changed my outlook on life. I don't say that lightly as I am an academic and really rarely say such things. The power of positive thinking - Norman Peale. It's a religious book (I have always been agnostic) but the ideas work regardless of your beliefs. It just might give you some strength on top of all the great advice you've been given too. My heart goes out to you, you sound like an absolutely wonderful mum.

Louis Theroux did a podcast where he interviewed his cousin Justin Theroux who has ADHD. There was this section where they talk any something that happened when they were kids. Justin threw a rock at another child and it hit them. He said ADHD was like you see the rock, you pick it up, you throw it then it hits the child - and then when the child is on the floor bleeding - you think you shouldn't have done that.
I work with a lot of children with ADHD - and your son sounds a lot like them.