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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD10 bisexual

89 replies

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 13:56

Not sure if this is an AIBU, but want some advice. DD10 has just started at a new school, she has gone through a huge amount of change in the last few months. S has also decided she is bisexual, we were very supportive and relaxed about the whole thing. It seems as though she announced this on second day at school, it is an all girls school. She also has a crush on a girl and I think may have written an anonymous note to her.
DH and I are (between us) a bit taken aback and concerned that she is being so open but I also concerned that it is our own internal prejudice perhaps? Obviously one always wants to protect one's child as much as possible. Should we talk to her about being more reserved about her feelings? I suppose I want her to make friends and have the space to decide what she is without boxing herself? Why am I worrying about her so much?
I should add she moved schools because we moved cities.

OP posts:

Gorl · 20/09/2021 14:00

I wouldn’t worry too much - it’s quite normal for kids to pass notes to a crush at that age, and the fact that she’s bisexual doesn’t really change that. You’ve done absolutely the right thing by being supportive and letting her express herself.

She may need the usual parental guidance on navigating friendships / crushes / relationships etc so just keep feelers out for that, but mostly this sounds like normal & innocent development to me.

NuffSaidSam · 20/09/2021 14:00

I think being bisexual at ten is irrelevant really because she's not going to be acting on her crushes/feelings at this point.

So just be supportive, don't make an issue of it and see what happens once puberty hits.

As regards her sharing all this at school, I would maybe just talk about her being a bit young at the moment for a relationship and encourage her to focus on school, hobbies and making friends.

I'd also have a look into/think about what she's watching/doing online and whether it's age appropriate.

Tal45 · 20/09/2021 14:01

I guess the question is would you have a problem if it was a note to a boy? She's only10 so it's all going to be very innocent. I would just tell her you're always there if she wants to talk and then let her get on with it. It's great that she feels comfortable enough to be so open.

Cheesepuff1 · 20/09/2021 14:02

without wanting to sound too arsey .. it's none of your business . if she wants to say bisexual right now then so be it. who she fancies is irrelevant to anyone else. if she told u she fancied boys would you be as concerned?

tenredthings · 20/09/2021 14:04

I would be more concerned that she's wearing her heart on her sleeve so early into her arrival at a new school. I'd think this regardless of her sexual preferences.

Original poster

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 14:05

Thanks all, great perspective. Not worried about her sexuality, more worried about her putting herself out there. But I do think that is a function of my own upbringing. Great insight, helpful words. Thank you

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 20/09/2021 14:06

It's all the rage but just seems really inappropriate to be defining sexuality at 10. It might be she actually is gay (people know that early on) and this bi phase is her way of dealing with it like a stepping stone.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 14:07

I had crushes on boys and girls at 10. I'm bisexual now.

Some people will have had the same feelings at 10 and not identify as bisexual as adults.

I wouldn't make this a bigger issue than it needs to be right now.

As someone else said, she's not acting on it and is just figuring out her feelings. I think it's good she spoke to you about it and feels able to do so.

Keep that lovely line of communication with her open.

PieMistee · 20/09/2021 14:08

Well done OP I've think youve narrowed down the issue. I have an 11 year old and would want her to focus on new friends not faffing about with love notes. I think many many people are a little bit bisexual. Just about all of my friends who are splitting up with their 30 year marriages are having a bit of girlie action and finding their bisexual side!

Beamur · 20/09/2021 14:09

It's not unusual for children to start thinking about their sexuality even though actually having relationships and sex is a long way off.
I would talk to her about relationships, sexual health and permission/boundaries in an age appropriate way.
If your DD's peer group are anything like my daughter's, curiousity about being bi or lesbian is not going to cause her any issues.
Be mindful of what she is looking at online though. Normal though these feelings might be, looking for information on the internet for these topics can quickly lead to material that she might find upsetting. Monitor her use for her own benefit..

CraftyGin · 20/09/2021 14:09

@namechangedcozabitouting

Not sure if this is an AIBU, but want some advice. DD10 has just started at a new school, she has gone through a huge amount of change in the last few months. S has also decided she is bisexual, we were very supportive and relaxed about the whole thing. It seems as though she announced this on second day at school, it is an all girls school. She also has a crush on a girl and I think may have written an anonymous note to her. DH and I are (between us) a bit taken aback and concerned that she is being so open but I also concerned that it is our own internal prejudice perhaps? Obviously one always wants to protect one's child as much as possible. Should we talk to her about being more reserved about her feelings? I suppose I want her to make friends and have the space to decide what she is without boxing herself? Why am I worrying about her so much? I should add she moved schools because we moved cities.

I think that many of her peers will not be able to process this information. I would speak to the school.

A girl crush at age 10 does not mean she is bisexual.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 20/09/2021 14:09

I have an 11yo, just about everyone in her class has come out as something or other so its really not unusual.

Just tell her it's fine to love who she wants, and its common for feelings to change one way or the other as she gets older and that's OK too.

I would also be aware about not being too heteronormative. Change your language around relationships to become neutral, and make sure she has access to books and programmes with a wide variety of characters in them.

I didnt realise how heteronormative books and programmes were until my older child came out, and it really made me think and change my ways.

LifesNotDoneYet · 20/09/2021 14:12

It seems incredibly young to have a crush on anyone, I don't remember that at all from that age! Think I'd be a bit taken aback as the parent of the classmate as well (male or female). Maybe I have a shock coming to me in a few years time...

FunnysInLaJardin · 20/09/2021 14:13

My 11 yo DS2 has been variously gay, straight and bi in the last year of primary as have most of his male and female friends

He tells me he is straight now.

Its a moveable feast at this age, so just go with it and don't worry too much. Doubtless they are all very similar.

ditalini · 20/09/2021 14:14

Crushes in all girls schools are crazy normal (in mixed sex and all boys schools as well obv).

Nothing wrong, as you know, with anyone having a crush on a boy or a girl and nothing wrong with sending a note as long as it stopped there if crush was not fine with it (again, would be same if boy or girl).

If your dd received negative attention for expressing her feelings to a same sex recipient where she wouldn't if it was a recipient of the opposite sex then I'd expect the school to be on top of any sign of homophobic bullying.

Original poster

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 14:16

Well I had a massive crush on Philip Schofield at 10 so I don't think crushing on someone is weird. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Johnbowlby · 20/09/2021 14:16

I think it is more acceptable for girls to say they are bi-sexual, than it is for them to say they are a lesbian. Bisexuality has become a hit of a precursor to non-binary in the young girls that I know

SuperStarRose · 20/09/2021 14:17

They're much more open and accepting these days and proud of who they are.

TrampolineForMrKite · 20/09/2021 14:21

I definitely had crushes at 10.... I don’t think that’s really an issue. I would be more worried that she’s wearing her heart on her sleeve and might end up getting made fun of as a result, so maybe have a conversation about that? Otherwise I think it’s all fine.

Caramellatteplease · 20/09/2021 14:22

That's nice dear you're too young for dating (either boys or girls!!) yet!!

spicedappledonuts · 20/09/2021 14:22

The dc in my tween classes, including my dc have cycled through bi, gay, straight and several other iterations.
It is very much part of growing up at present.

I would be gently supportive and encourage her to focus on building friendships if she has just moved to a new school.

SirenSays · 20/09/2021 14:24

I knew I was bisexual before I even knew there was a word for it and I definitely had crushes at that age. Just keep supporting and guiding her.

saraclara · 20/09/2021 14:28

I had crushes on older girls/women up until my late teens. But I didn't have sexual feelings for them. I think it was more a reflection of a difficult home background, in hindsight.

I think it must be increasingly difficult for late primary/younger secondary age kids to separate out crushes from sexual responses to their own sex.

1forAll74 · 20/09/2021 14:30

I don't really think she will know what bi sexual means at this age. In this day and age, children are hearing about, and seeing things on TV and social media all the time, about all sorts of male and female issues, and then some may decide to kind of follow trends that are always talked about everywhere now.

If she attracted to another girl or boy at this age, it is quite normal for school children to be like this, as in the growing up process.. All their views will most likely change as time goes by.

Spudina · 20/09/2021 14:31

Times have changed OP. My god daughter (12) has just come out as bisexual also. She is dating a girl who is non binary. There are apparently a big group of children who have come out recently. At my colleague’s sons school, four children have gone back this year as a different gender.
I don’t imagine your DD will have any trouble.

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