DD10 bisexual

[namechangedcozabitouting]

Not sure if this is an AIBU, but want some advice. DD10 has just started at a new school, she has gone through a huge amount of change in the last few months. S has also decided she is bisexual, we were very supportive and relaxed about the whole thing. It seems as though she announced this on second day at school, it is an all girls school. She also has a crush on a girl and I think may have written an anonymous note to her.
DH and I are (between us) a bit taken aback and concerned that she is being so open but I also concerned that it is our own internal prejudice perhaps? Obviously one always wants to protect one's child as much as possible. Should we talk to her about being more reserved about her feelings? I suppose I want her to make friends and have the space to decide what she is without boxing herself? Why am I worrying about her so much?
I should add she moved schools because we moved cities.

@CecilyP

Oh, and my five year old knows what bisexuality is - he knows that some grown ups like men and and some like women and some (including mummy) like both, and that everyone can love whoever they want as long as everyone is happy. It’s not rocket science!

Except it’s not that, is it! Most of us who are not total hermits actually like people of both sexes. Does he know that it is rather more than that, otherwise it it must all be very confusing?

Of course they understand in the same way I assume that your children understand the difference between the relationship you have with your partner and the relationship you have with them. It’s not confusing in any way whatsoever.

It is (currently) very trendy in the Yr6/yr7 bracket to 'come out' as 'something' and label yourself.

For some of them, it will be real, (plenty of people do know at that age) so it's best to simply nod, smile and tell them its perfectly fine if they, and perfectly fine if they change their minds, too.

Amongst DD's friends we currently have a Lesbian Asexual, a bisexual who 'finds boys pretty to look at but they're all idiots, so has decided they're sticking to girls, thanks', one who has just announced they're non-binary, two who have decided that all the opposite gender partner options have paired up with each so they might as well join in, and a whole host of others with a whole collection of labels.

Oh and one or two who roll their eyes at it all and think its all rubbish, cause dating is rubbish and video games are way cooler.

The only bit of it that bothers me is that they feel they need the labels, rather than just being, and that they do give each other an awful lot of shit if one of them slips up on who's what today!

The reality is that there are two completely plausible but very different scenarios playing out here.

1. Your DD is indeed experiencing early sexual attraction to both boys and girls. Totally possible. I knew I was straight, and had sexual* feelings about boys, from mid-primary age.

• I didn't actually want to have sex at 10 years old. But those feelings were absolutely a precursor to full-blown sexual attraction.

2. Your DD is being indoctrinated into the modern cult of obsessional labelling of sexuality and gender identity, in which to admit to being straight is basically social suicide.

As I said, both are equally possible. Only you can judge what is going on for your DD.

Of course they understand hmm in the same way I assume that your children understand the difference between the relationship you have with your partner and the relationship you have with them. It’s not confusing in any way whatsoever.

I don’t really think you can understand sexuality unless you have some idea of sexual attraction. And I don’t think a 5 year old can.

I am not overly happy with the labelling so young.

I know some kids know very early on, but for others it a part of growing up, trying on different identities.

It does worry me that the big “coming out” announcements and defining their sexuality so young may commit them to something that they subsequently discover they aren’t, and if you’ve made a big deal of it it can be difficult to then “come out” again as straight, lesbian, or whatever.

I’ve always told my kids I don’t care. When they bring home someone they have feelings for they don’t need to announce their sexuality, just “this is x”. Whatever x’s sex.

@CraftyGin

what information would they be unable to process?

I am not going to read this full thread as it'll send my blood pressure through the roof and I have to get DD to bed - so, sorry if I'm repeating things. But:

1. You say your DD 'decided' she was bisexual. I get what you mean - you mean she decided to use that term - but in general, people don't get to 'decide' their sexuality. And using terms like 'decide' or 'choose' makes it sound as if they've deliberately done down a certain path, and could have decided differently. I wouldn't use this phrase if I could avoid it, just so as to keep away from the homophobic connotations. It makes it sound as if you've already made up your mind she couldn't possibly just be bisexual; she must have 'decided' to be.

2. It is totally normal for teens/pre-teens to have crushes/feelings that don't predict adult sexual orientation. As a society, we tend to tell these children that their crushes and feelings are mistakes: that they are likely to grow up to be straight and so should ignore any passing same-sex attractions. We also tend, as a society, to assume sexual orientation is all about sex, and therefore, that young teens/pre-teens can't possibly have any inkling about their sexual orientation.

But sexual orientation is about so much more than sex. And a ten-year-old is learning social customs, and learning about themselves, all the time. They need those experiences of giggling over a crush or telling mum about who they fancy. It's important. A presumptively 'straight' ten year old could confide in mum that she thinks Jacob's in her class is very nice, without needing to provide much context - because mum will likely fill in the blanks and assume she has the very innocent beginnings of a crush. A ten year old who is aware she thinks Jacob is nice but so is Eve, might feel the need to use a label just so that her mum understands that, when she is all excited that Eve held her hand at movie night, it's a bit special.

If you force them to silence those experiences, you damage gay and bisexual children. You're robbing them of the important experience of exploring their identities in an innocent, gradual way.

You know this thread is 2 years old right @SarahAndQuack ?

Damn! Thanks Clymene. I am so tired of zombie threads.

Exactly. Plus ‘gay and bi children’? Children do not have sexualities. They may be gaining an understanding of themselves, they may have an inkling that they will not be heterosexual once they start maturing, but this idea that children have a sexuality or any other adult identity needs to stop. You can be supportive of your children whilst still recognising that it takes far more than sociological aspects to develop a well rounded sense of self - you can put the building blocks in place before puberty without using sexuality itself as a label to show support.

I'd still like to know.

That’s very young to be ‘dating’. I wouldn’t be encouraging that with my DC. Depressing to think of kids deeming themselves non-binary. It’s a load of nonsense.

Lots of kids start to think about boyfriends/girlfriends at that age. Although she'll be 12 by now.

I remember having massive crushes at 10/11 so the posters saying it is unusual it definitely isn’t. Most of my friends did at that age too. Girls start puberty quite a bit earlier than boys so it’s not uncommon. I had my first proper kiss at 11 and an intense crush on a boy at the same age to the point I thought I was in love 🥰 clearly it was the raging hormones 🤣