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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD10 bisexual

89 replies

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 13:56

Not sure if this is an AIBU, but want some advice. DD10 has just started at a new school, she has gone through a huge amount of change in the last few months. S has also decided she is bisexual, we were very supportive and relaxed about the whole thing. It seems as though she announced this on second day at school, it is an all girls school. She also has a crush on a girl and I think may have written an anonymous note to her.
DH and I are (between us) a bit taken aback and concerned that she is being so open but I also concerned that it is our own internal prejudice perhaps? Obviously one always wants to protect one's child as much as possible. Should we talk to her about being more reserved about her feelings? I suppose I want her to make friends and have the space to decide what she is without boxing herself? Why am I worrying about her so much?
I should add she moved schools because we moved cities.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 14:40

thanks everyone for taking the time. We want to guide her in the best way we can etc.

OP posts:

saraclara · 20/09/2021 14:45

@namechangedcozabitouting

thanks everyone for taking the time. We want to guide her in the best way we can etc.

You really don't need to 'guide' her. She's ten. Has she even gone through full puberty yet?

I would simply say that it will take time for her sexuality to settle, so there's no need for her to make decisions about who or what she is just yet. But that you will love and be there for her, whatever her prefernces turn out to be when they're established.

Then just carry on with life as normal.

Hvergelmir · 20/09/2021 14:45

@1forAll74

I don't really think she will know what bi sexual means at this age. In this day and age, children are hearing about, and seeing things on TV and social media all the time, about all sorts of male and female issues, and then some may decide to kind of follow trends that are always talked about everywhere now.

If she attracted to another girl or boy at this age, it is quite normal for school children to be like this, as in the growing up process.. All their views will most likely change as time goes by.

Of course a 10yo can know what bisexual means, it's not rocket science.

user1745 · 20/09/2021 14:49

At that age kids are very unlikely to be feeling physical attraction but there's pressure from other children and the Internet to declare an orientation, so instead they can end up confusing sexual orientation with who they would like to be very good friends with, or who they find cute, or who they would like to be with in a non-intimate way, which may align with who they will later be physically attracted to but it may not. It seems extremely common for preteens to identify as bisexual or pansexual nowadays and this makes me suspect that these are mostly children who having not felt sexual attraction yet, have no way of distinguishing whether they're physically attracted to boys or girls, to them they're the same, and so they think that's bisexual.

WorraLiberty · 20/09/2021 14:52

I'd just tell her to stop sending love notes and point out they can make people feel really uncomfortable, regardless of their sex.

Theoscargoesto · 20/09/2021 14:54

Can I suggest the Childline website for both your daughter and for you? There are sections which talk about sexuality and about it being ok to take time to discover who you are and who you fancy, as well as helpful friendships pages. But foremost is the fact that she felt able to talk to you and that you want to support her and those things bode well for your relationship with your DD whatever her sexuality.

trumpisagit · 20/09/2021 14:56

DS2 and his (male) friend used to send each other "love" notes when they were a little younger than this.
I don't think either of them are bi or gay, they just loved their friend.

My only concern would be if your daughter is making the other child uncomfortable, in which case she needs to stop.

Notsandwiches · 20/09/2021 14:56

My daughter made the same declaration at the same age and was very open about the fact. She lost her best friend over it because her parents (a pair of GPs who should know better) didn't want my daughter influencing their child.

I have been 100% accepting of my daughter's choice. However, we have also discussed the fact that others may not be so accepting.

I am also mindful that she is pre puberty and all this may change.

skybluee · 20/09/2021 14:59

I think the love notes are sweet (as long as it's a one off and not something repeated).

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2021 15:08

DD's (10) friend is a lesbian. No issues at school whatsoever, as is right!

However, anonymous love notes? I'd be having a word. Could be nice. Could be really creepy. And the receiver can't do anything because it's not clear who sent it.

Macncheeseballs · 20/09/2021 15:13

Craftygin, contact the school? to say what exactly! Op, I doubt your dd is the only one 'putting it out there', all very normal and nothing to worry about, it's great she has strong opinions about these things at her age

HellonHeels · 20/09/2021 15:19

@WorraLiberty

I'd just tell her to stop sending love notes and point out they can make people feel really uncomfortable, regardless of their sex.

This

slashlover · 20/09/2021 15:19

@ZenNudist

It's all the rage but just seems really inappropriate to be defining sexuality at 10. It might be she actually is gay (people know that early on) and this bi phase is her way of dealing with it like a stepping stone.

People can know they are bi early on (as people have posted on this thread) and why is is necessarily a "bi phase" or "stepping stone" instead of what she actually is?

Bi erasure alive and well.

OP, I said I was a lesbian when I was 8 or 9 when it was just a really strong friendship. She may change when she's older, she may not, your main job is to let her know she's accepted and loved no matter what. I ended up as an aromantic asexual btw.

Looubylou · 20/09/2021 15:22

My 10 year old (boy) isn't remotely interested in crushing on girls or boys. Pretty sure he has no idea what bisexual is. Friends mum's think their's are pretty clueless too.

BlueMoons90 · 20/09/2021 15:24

I think I would probably steer her away from the anonymous notes as it may make the other girl feel uncomfortable - I would say the same if your DD was sending notes to a boy as well.

Lots of kids in my DS15 class have come out as bisexual/gay/lesbian/trans etc. It does seem very normal now which I think is great!

ufucoffee · 20/09/2021 15:25

My reaction to her telling me she's bisexual would've been 'are you? Ok' and that would be it. No reason for anything else to happen.

UmpteenthTime · 20/09/2021 15:32

There seems to be such a rush among children and young people to put a label on themselves.
I’d suggest a conversation around exploring feelings and sexuality without labelling it as anything In particular.
It’s part and parcel of growing up and discovering who we are and that can change from one week to the next.
That’s not to diminish the strength or veracity of those feelings at the time.
Also look at consent and boundaries.
ChildLine has some good, clear information and advice on their website.
Sounds like you’re very supportive and keepIng the lines of communication open.

LittleGwyneth · 20/09/2021 15:35

'That's great darling - when you're old enough to date then it'll be exciting to see who you fall for. But right now you're a bit young to date, so it's best to focus on making friends. Try to remember that other people might not know how to react if you tell them you have romantic feelings, because you're all still working it out.'

Cuddlemuffin · 20/09/2021 15:35

I definitely had crushes earlier than 10 so definitely not worried about that lol. I think I would be concerned that she might be bullied because that's probably what would have happened when I was at school but it was the era of 'That's SO gay!' rubbish and I'm sure it's very different now. I would continue to be supportive and just check in with her re making friends. Make sure she has extra curricular activities as opportunities to find her crowd. Show an interest in how her new school mates are reacting to her news of being bisexual so you can keep a check on it and make sure no negativity is coming from her sharing that with them. I am bisexual OP and had a secret relationship with a girl when I was in my teens. We were petrified of being found out so for your daughter to be so open with you and her friends fills me with hope that this generation are so much more accepting and open. I think I would try not to make a big deal out of it and see how it plays out for now. Also keep a check on social media and internet use (but that's a given anyway) x

Cuddlemuffin · 20/09/2021 15:37

And don't contact the school for goodness sake. What a bizarre suggestion.

beigebrownblue · 20/09/2021 15:45

Just tell her/them that they are not allowed to have sex legally until she/he/they are sixteen.

And you just care if she/he/they...are safe.

And that's fine.

I did this.

It was tortuous, but it is a fashion at the moment. Don't panic.

Hate to say they will grow out of it but it is clear to me it is part of what they see as fashionable teenage rebellion. Started early.

The more you say no, the more they will push.

beigebrownblue · 20/09/2021 15:47

Along with in a nice way, not giving a shit how they define themselves if they are safe and happy.

waterrat · 20/09/2021 15:50

How can it be said that it is none if a parents business how her 10 year old behaves and interacts with friends ? Bizarre.

Be open and ask questions op and help her think for herself whether her behaviour is going to help or hinder her. As others have said the bisexuality is not the big issue but stressing about crushes is surely a moment for a supportive parental ear

Bustersword · 20/09/2021 15:57

@beigebrownblue

Just tell her/them that they are not allowed to have sex legally until she/he/they are sixteen.

And you just care if she/he/they...are safe.

And that's fine.

I did this.

It was tortuous, but it is a fashion at the moment. Don't panic.

Hate to say they will grow out of it but it is clear to me it is part of what they see as fashionable teenage rebellion. Started early.

The more you say no, the more they will push.

Having a bisexual child is tortuous?

Cheesepuff1 · 20/09/2021 16:44

@waterrat are you seriously saying if a girl passed a boy a note saying she fancied him, the parents should be told and involved??of course it's none of the parents business at that level and really weird if you think you would need to involve yourself in that.

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