Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD10 bisexual

89 replies

namechangedcozabitouting · 20/09/2021 13:56

Not sure if this is an AIBU, but want some advice. DD10 has just started at a new school, she has gone through a huge amount of change in the last few months. S has also decided she is bisexual, we were very supportive and relaxed about the whole thing. It seems as though she announced this on second day at school, it is an all girls school. She also has a crush on a girl and I think may have written an anonymous note to her.
DH and I are (between us) a bit taken aback and concerned that she is being so open but I also concerned that it is our own internal prejudice perhaps? Obviously one always wants to protect one's child as much as possible. Should we talk to her about being more reserved about her feelings? I suppose I want her to make friends and have the space to decide what she is without boxing herself? Why am I worrying about her so much?
I should add she moved schools because we moved cities.

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 20/09/2021 17:26

I think it's normal to worry about this sort thing, especially when many of us have or at least know someone who dealt with bullying at school from being out(ed) and aware of the news. I know a lot of people say it's the in thing now, but it hasn't really stopped the abuse that some kids and adults deal with. There have been a few threads on bisexual kids in the last monthish if you want to have a search for further discussions on it.

blissfulllife · 20/09/2021 17:34

My daughter was out of education for a couple of years. Went back this year age 11 and one of the first things about her that the other pupils asked was her sexuality. She was a bit taken aback about it all. Like she then had to choose. She felt a bit pressured so told them she was bi. Cover all bases she said lol.

Life was much easier in my day when I started at my new school all anyone wanted to know was so you like wham or Duran Duran

gogohm · 20/09/2021 17:43

It's very fashionable to be bi (or pan apparently) she'll be in good company. Try not to worry, it's a very different world now

ExtraOnions · 20/09/2021 17:54

When my daughter was that age she said she didn’t know if she was going to marry a man or a woman.

At 15, it’s definitely boys …. In particular, any member of BTS

toconclude · 20/09/2021 18:22

@ZenNudist

It's all the rage but just seems really inappropriate to be defining sexuality at 10. It might be she actually is gay (people know that early on) and this bi phase is her way of dealing with it like a stepping stone.
Yeah, let's pretend bisexuality is just a phase. That's not dismissive at allHmm If you can know that you're gay at an early age, you can know that you're bi.
KnitFastDieWarm · 20/09/2021 18:32

OP, you sound like a great mum Smile the most important things are to teach her respect for herself and others - that’s the bottom line, after all, regardless of the gender of the people she goes on to have relationships with as she gets older.

For the naysayers in this thread, I knew I was bisexual at the age of eight and I definitely had crushes (in an age-appropriate and very innocent way). Fortunately, my parents didn’t care what gender I liked as long as they treated me right and I was happy and safe.
Funny how no one ever assumes a ten year old doesn’t know they’re straight - no one says to a ten year old girl who says she fancies boys ‘ooh, it’s just a phase, you’ll probably like girls later! why define yourself?’ Hmm

KnitFastDieWarm · 20/09/2021 18:35

Oh, and my five year old knows what bisexuality is - he knows that some grown ups like men and and some like women and some (including mummy) like both, and that everyone can love whoever they want as long as everyone is happy. It’s not rocket science!

Flapjak · 20/09/2021 18:47

Its a shame she feels she needs to label herself. Yes children do have crushes but generally kids dont make a big proclamation about being heterosexual at primary age as children really dont know their sexual orientation in the same way that young adults / adults do.

MsTSwift · 20/09/2021 18:53

Hope I don’t get jumped on as trying to erase people or anything but it is “the thing” atm to say you are pan or bi or something else deemed interesting. Dd said this at a similar age but seems to have forgotten about it now. We have quite enough drama and upset in her non sexual friendships as it is! 13 is not easy…!

KnitFastDieWarm · 20/09/2021 20:48

@Flapjak

Its a shame she feels she needs to label herself. Yes children do have crushes but generally kids dont make a big proclamation about being heterosexual at primary age as children really dont know their sexual orientation in the same way that young adults / adults do.
This lack of proclamation is arguably because heterosexuality is seen as ‘standard’ - no one ever needs to ‘come out as straight’
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2021 20:52

no one ever needs to ‘come out as straight’

I'm not sure any more. I live somewhere very right on and an 18 yo was telling me that she's considered weird and wrong for being straight and 'cis' (I don't use that word generally). I would dismiss that as nonsense except a lesbian teenager I know says she gets shit for not being a transman, rather a bog standard lesbian.

I think in most places it's as heteronormative as ever but not everywhere.

LifesNotDoneYet · 21/09/2021 08:02

It's perfectly normal to teach children that couples and families come in all shapes and sizes, people can love who they love etc. Even my preschooler knows this.

What I'm less comfortable with is primary aged children feeling they should label themselves (in any particular way) in relation to sexual attraction. I'd probably bring it back to relationships more generally.

Flapjak · 21/09/2021 11:34

Lifes not done yet - i agree. Defining your sexual orientation at primary school seems a bit off to me. Whether that is het, bi, gay or lesbian. It feels like children are feeling pressured into adult ways of thinking earlier and earlier. Its one thing knowing about different sex/same sex relationships to enable children to later on love who they want to love without fear of shame or stigma but i i feel concern that 'children' are giving themselves adult labels. Given the issues with womens rights and safeguarding being under threat, it is even more reason to ensure children arent being groomed to believe the age of consent should be lower

Twobirdsinatree · 21/09/2021 14:51

I knew i was bisexual at 10 and its great you are being so relzxed with your daughter because my family were not relaxed.. so it was very hard for me as i couldnt tell them and they to this day do not know.

I think at 10 many kids start doing things like having their first kiss.. passing notes.. holding hands... just the start of thinking about romantic relationships. Thats very normal. Just because for your daughter it has invloved another girl instead of a boy doesnt make it any less innocent or normal.

Twobirdsinatree · 21/09/2021 14:58

And to all the people saying its a ohase and it she shouldnt use that label etc... what does it matter? If it is something she grows out of then theres no harm done is there? But like many gay and bisexual people you may hear from on thsi thread i certainly knew my sexuality when i was 10.. i didnt know all the language and terms but i knew i was romantically attracted to girls as well as boys. And that hasnt been a phase.. i did go on to jave relationships with both men and women in myadult life.
Please dont be so dismissive of bisexuality. Yes sexuality can be fluid and change over time.. this girl may not end up labelling herself as bisexual when she is older but thats irrelevant. She should be treated the same as any child of 10 passing note and having crushes on boys... if she wants to use the word bisexual you should let her because what message does it give about what your view of bisexuality is if you dont? Shes going to think its a big deal.. a strange hush hush thing soso different to being straight which is normal and just assumed... can you see how toxic that is? I actually think its great that kids now days use the words gay and bisexual without any shame at all and quite casually

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/09/2021 15:13

Just nod along in the knowledge that it's bullshit.

She isnt bisexual, she isnt old enough to be any kind of sexual. She's likely just trying to fit in. Just support her and let her know that it's fine to be whatever she grows up to be.

I don't think its good to teach her to be more reserved with her feelings.

My mum raised me like that and at 30, I've never had any kind of relationship, my only experience of sex is being abused when I was 9 and I've never talked about that with anyone, including her, until I started therapy last year.

If I hadn't been made to feel so ashamed of very normal feelings I may have opened up to her at some point. Don't make your daughter feel bad for being open about her feelings, it isn't a bad thing at all. All you will achieve is that she will become much more reserved. With you.

MacNougat · 21/09/2021 15:16

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Just nod along in the knowledge that it's bullshit.

She isnt bisexual, she isnt old enough to be any kind of sexual. She's likely just trying to fit in. Just support her and let her know that it's fine to be whatever she grows up to be.

I don't think its good to teach her to be more reserved with her feelings.

My mum raised me like that and at 30, I've never had any kind of relationship, my only experience of sex is being abused when I was 9 and I've never talked about that with anyone, including her, until I started therapy last year.

If I hadn't been made to feel so ashamed of very normal feelings I may have opened up to her at some point. Don't make your daughter feel bad for being open about her feelings, it isn't a bad thing at all. All you will achieve is that she will become much more reserved. With you.

So all the people saying the knew at that age are just making it up?
rocklamp · 21/09/2021 15:18

Blimey, I was still playing with dolls at that age Confused

They grow up quick now don't they?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 16:11

DD still plays. She also turns a fetching shade of puce when a certain Avenger appears on screen. Just like I did with Indiana Jones. Totally normal.

KnitFastDieWarm · 21/09/2021 16:24

@MrsTerryPratchett

DD still plays. She also turns a fetching shade of puce when a certain Avenger appears on screen. Just like I did with Indiana Jones. Totally normal.
One of my (many) bisexual awakenings was indiana jones AND elsa schneider in the last crusade Grin

I think I was about ten at the time. I knew I felt something more towards certain people (male and female) than I felt towards my friends. I don’t understand why some posters are having trouble grasping this.

Please don’t deny the lived experiences of bisexual people on this thread.

KnitFastDieWarm · 21/09/2021 16:26

@rocklamp

Blimey, I was still playing with dolls at that age Confused

They grow up quick now don't they?

I was still playing with dolls while also having crushes Hmm Having an age-appropriate crush on someone (male or female) doesn’t negate the state of being a child.
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 16:27

One of my (many) bisexual awakenings was indiana jones AND elsa schneider in the last crusade

Not Karen Allen? I mean it takes all sorts I suppose Grin

CecilyP · 21/09/2021 16:27

Oh, and my five year old knows what bisexuality is - he knows that some grown ups like men and and some like women and some (including mummy) like both, and that everyone can love whoever they want as long as everyone is happy. It’s not rocket science!

Except it’s not that, is it! Most of us who are not total hermits actually like people of both sexes. Does he know that it is rather more than that, otherwise it it must all be very confusing?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 16:30

For DD it was 'marry' but much banging on by me turned the mantra to, "when I marry a boy, or a girl, or no one' with an eye roll.

CecilyP · 21/09/2021 16:30

Funny how no one ever assumes a ten year old doesn’t know they’re straight - no one says to a ten year old girl who says she fancies boys ‘ooh, it’s just a phase, you’ll probably like girls later! why define yourself?’

No they probably wouldn’t say anything but it is always wise to take nothing for granted and keep an open mind.

Swipe left for the next trending thread